Nothing worth fighting for comes easy.

This is the lesson I am learning and have picked back up my sword and gotten the courage to keep fighting in this battle. On so many fronts.

fight for your dreams. fight for your heart. fight for the things god's created you to do. fight for yourself. fight for others around you. fight and throw yourself in enemy territory, and how did i expect to not be constantly dodging, sometimes taking bullets...

When the bullets are flying so fast and furious around you, those are the days you wonder if you’re on the winning side. Those are the days you wonder when the fight will be over, so you know how long you’ve got to keep on truckin’.

I had an older lady I’ve started meeting with pour into me yesterday. Like, pour in. Love. Wisdom. Truth. Someone believing in me and seeing me for who I really am and wanting to enter in and fight for me.

I had forgotten what that feels like. I tried talking about her or asking how she was but then realized, oh yeah... we were there for me. It's so different when you have gotten so used to being on the other side of the table. It was like I didn't know how to operate in that type of relationship with an older woman again, but I am so grateful.

She helped me see so many things that were going on, and as someone who has been in ministry for 17 years, she told me the bullets will continue flying “so fast and furious” and there will be days you’re hearing so many lies, you won’t even know what is the truth. These were words from someone whose been in the battle … a long time.

Who could relate and say, everything you are experiencing is real… you will be attacked… you will have everything you’ve put on the line tested… you will have to fight extra hard to see what is a lie you are believing and what is truth. And this wasn't from someone who has just had a success story, she shared how to Satan completely took her out when she was my age, with all these lies as she was entering ministry. (took a 5 yr. departure and now is back in bi-vocationally but saw a lot of her dreams get snatched.

"Satan won. And I don't want Him to win now. You are not imagining it."

I realized there are several lies that have crept in undetected over the last two months. Some of them devastating. And have had long-lasting effects. They have been an attack on my confidence, my self-worth, fear and feeling of failure, where my value comes from, and trust.

Satan knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t tell you the same lies over and over again. They get sneakier. Well, I know how to decipher lies from truth, that’s like the first thing you learn in counseling…

But my have they gotten more stealthy… and more deceptive…

She’s helping me create a safety net. She told me leaders need a net of protection.

Last week I began making steps of how to have some of the key people in my life know what has been going on and let them know who and how I’d be walking through this.

I am not alone.

God has provided… abundantly. I look back at how I’ve been praying for the last 2 and a half years for older women in my life again. I waited. And prayed. And knew it would be a necessity if I was going to be on an all male staff team (at that point I didn’t know two other girls who are coming on staff were going to).

Now, in support-raising, God has provided all of these women who are desiring to build into me, to invite me into their lives to be a part of their families, to pour into me, to be listening ear, or to talk ministry with and impart wisdom and advice… It is unbelievable. I’m like where did they come from. God said, go and meet people in all these other places to find a support team, and look what He did/is doing along the way. Giving me more than I could've ever asked for or imagined. And finding ways to build my career in ministry with people who will help sustain it and be a support to me as I pour into others.

And the biggest blessing has been in women who are walking with me now through a situation that occurred a couple months ago that has been very intense and has long-term effects.

I have never had a Christian woman in my life who has walked this road. I cannot even describe the amount of vulnerability and understanding and connection that is already there because of that shared experience. There are things my friends and my pastor will never fully be able to grasp simple because they have never walked that road. There are things she said and mentioned on the phone last week that I have felt for years but never knew were real or how to voice. It is incredible. And I made a plan last week and got my friends and mentors involved so they know what’s going on and the next steps and for accountability to be faithful in getting the help needed.

I don’t feel alone. I have people walking with me in a way I never knew was possible.

God is faithful.
He is faithful and he is so good to us.
He never forgets us.
He is always working for our good. In joy or pain.

His love is the same.
He never changes.
His promises are always true.
We can count on His character.
We can depend upon His word.

He comforts my soul, and whispers, hush, my child, do not let your heart me troubled… Trust in the Father, Jesus whispers, and trust also in Me.

I am deeply loved.
By the one true God.
Held, safe, and secure in the Father's arms as this soldier picks up her sword again and keeps on marching.