Everlasting

Something happened to me in the last week that I can only describe as traumatic. I've tried minimizing it a number of different ways, but it is what it is. It was a traumatic experience for me. It's okay to be honest, things aren't always okay. I’ve learned more in the last week through this experience than I will ever be able to express, lessons that betray human reason or logic but lessons of the heart. It was something that shook. I’m still experiencing the tremors in my soul… As it shook me at the core of my being. I’ve filled about half of a written journal since then and today had more revelations. I'm finding something profound shifted. A shift seen and known by My Lord. I can share facts of the experience with others, but the extent of how it affected me are matters of the heart that must be carefully disclosed. He has been holding me close. Met in a way others will never be able to. For he alone sees and knows the depths of my heart. He sees and understands the most subtle to the most earth-shattering tremors of my soul, a place where no one else can follow but my Maker. As no part of my soul is immune from His touch...

God is still speaking.
God is still good.
He is beautiful.
He is true.
I'm astounded by the graciousness of my Father.
His light will shine will all else fades.

While I was driving home, I caught this song, one of my favorites on the radio, but it was like I was hearing it for the first time. These words resonated so deeply with me and what was going on.

"EVERLASTING ... Your light will shine when all else fades, NEVER-ENDING ... Your glory goes beyond all things...”

He has captured me once again.
With His love.

no other

“With all that I am
With all that I have

I will worship you,
Jesus my lord
There’s no other god...
No other one...

Whose love I can depend upon…”

- Jason Morant

Dust

The cost of being a disciple.

You will get beat up.
You will be spit on.
You will be scorned.
You will face worse rejection than you ever feared.
All will turn against you.
You will face betrayal.
You will be misunderstood.
People will think you’re crazy.
You will be mocked.
People will laugh at you for taking Him seriously.
They will look on with contempt.
You will be judged.
You will be questioned.
You will be disliked.
You will disappoint others.

What it really means to follow Jesus.

This is the reality of being a disciple of Jesus Christ.
Who suffered yet was obedient… obedient to the point of death.
Who died so that we may live.

These aren’t just cute words we hear in church.
This is the reality of the context of the life in which we live.

Once we start understanding this
...things begin to start making sense.

“May you be covered by the dust of your Rabbi.”
:: Rob Bell

“You did not choose me, I chose you.”
:: Jesus in the book of John

What it really means to be a disciple.

May you know that the one who chose you is with you. And that he believes in you.

In his video "Dust," Rob Bell points out that, we’re always told to believe in God, but did you ever consider the fact that He believes in you? When a rabbi would be looking for a disciple, he was looking for someone who passed a pretty high bar, who was well-educated and thought had what it took to be one that he taught. Well, Jesus was no ordinary rabbi. You see, when he came, and with a lot of the disciples he found, they were the ones who DIDN’T pass the bar with the ordinary rabbi. They were not already following a rabbi because they were working ordinary jobs when he found them. Ultimately, they were the ones the other rabbi didn't want. He could have overlooked them too. But he didn’t stop at what society had rejected. He saw something deeper. He wasn’t going on mere skill or talent or knowledge.

He saw something that he believed in. When Jesus called his disciples, he placed all his stock in them and staked his kingdom on them/us thinking that, you know, I think that kid has what it takes.

I think they can do what I do.

When the Rabbi called the disciples back them, they had a firm understanding of all this would mean... they knew they were entering into a new way of life. It means he wants you not only to go where he goes, or to do what he does, but to become like the Rabbi.

That took time.

And it wasn’t learned in a vacuum. The disciples were up close and personal students of his life. not just his theology or his doctrine or the things he did. They followed his LIFE and answered the call to become their rabbi. They didn't just want to do what he did, they wanted to be like their Rabbi.

It is no different for me or you. Back in those days, it was a popular blessing to tell a disciple of any rabbi, may you be covered by the dust... of your rabbi. A sign that you were really following him, everything he went through, you’re going through, you're in his footsteps, caked in the mud... covered in dust.

So may we be covered by the dust of our Rabbi...

Mark Driscoll

i'm a driscoll fan. i'm pretty out of the closet on that one. love him. he's one of those people you either love or cannot stand.

still working through the peasant princess series when i get some time on my hands, just listened to part eight, which he calls his most practical message, and i love what he says to men about how to love your wives (in previous weeks he talks to the women, don't worry.) but the end was really touching.



he addresses this has lots of practical stuff for those who are single for when they are in a marriage, and for the engaged and marrieds, practical stuff on how to nurture and honor "marital sabbath.'

probably the biggest thing about going through this series from my perspective as a single who desires to be married later in life, is that through this series, the way driscoll teaches on marriage and intimacy and sex and love and serving one another, is so biblically sound and so points us to jesus. it gives me hope for this relationship and shows me that each marriage will look different, but jesus walks with each of us in a marriage in unique ways.

as a friend recently put it, he doesn't mince his words. i love how he says over and over, the only problem with this marriage is these two people: this man and this woman. they are two sinners. this man will sin against this woman, this woman will sin against this man... they need christ. he doesn't mince his words and spends the middle part of the series dealing with our sin and our selfishness and not what if conflict happens but how to plan for sin. and conflict. because conflict is inevitable in any relationship because we are sinful, broken people who are daily in need of a savior.

strangely familiar

There’s something about longing for a place or a thing you’ve never experienced. But it seems so real. Feels less distant than it is. A place you once visited in a dream perhaps or a place you only recognize as a dream once you see it.

“If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”
-- C.S. Lewis

Beauty is transcendent

So, my girl, Kate Kromann, posted a link to this really amazing dance instructor and choreographer and I just got a chance to watch it now. SO glad. Kate Jablonski is a 22-year-old college student at the U of I at Chicago. The feeling that I get watching her choreography reminded me of something I recently read in The Prodigal God, which was a quotation of C.S. Lewis...





Beauty is transcendent, it points towards home.

I look at her work, I look at these dancers and I am in awe of their Creator, who gave them the capacity to do and create.

Longing for home…

“There is a German word – Sehnsucht – that gets at this concept. Dictionaries will tell you that there is no simple English synonym. It denotes profound homesickness or longing, but with transcendent overtones. The writer who spoke most of this “spiritual homesickness” was C.S. Lewis, in his famous sermon, “The Weight of Glory.” He refers to many similar experiences like those described by Steinbeck and Knowles and then he says:

‘Our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that settled the matter. Wordsworth’s expedient was to identify it with certain moments in his own past. But all this was a cheat. If Wordsworth had gone back to those moments in the past, he would not have found the thing itself, but only the reminder of it; what he remembered would turn out to be itself a remembering. The books or the music in which we though the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself. . . . Now we wake to find . . . [w]e have been mere spectators. Beauty has smiled, but not to welcome us; her face was turned in our direction, but not to see us. We have not been accepted, welcomed, or taken in. . . .

Our life-long nostalgia, our longing to be reunited with something in the universe from which we feel cut off, to be on the inside of some door we have always seen from the outside, is no mere neurotic fancy, but the truest index of our real situation.'"

- excerpt from The Prodigal God, Keller

The Prodigal God

This book just made itself into the top three most influential books on my life so far. Someone looking for some good spring break reading asked me to send them my top three last week and it was hard to come up with that list, I felt I could've give them ten lol. (Mostly because I'm a dork and I love to read. A lot.)

I read all but one chapter chillin' in a coffee shop yesterday and was challenged, refreshed and filled with hope. I finished the last chapter this morning. It challenged me from the inside out and I'm praying for change from the inside out, as certain parts captured a rumbling and a massive deconstruction God been doing with my life and my theology in the last four months.

I have tons of thoughts I've been processing and writing about, and will share some when time permits, but it's been calling for a lot of private reflection and revelation.

In the meantime, it is a must-read and a treasure, (beware of tiny books, they pack a lot of punch) come get to know the prodigal God, one who is recklessly extravagant in his love towards us, each moment, each breath, each day.

rise

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

-- Nelson Mandela

approval addiction

Am I now trying to win human approval or God’s approval?

Or am I trying to please people?

If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

- Galatians 1:10

Letters from a dear friend

Tonight, an encounter with the apostle Paul.

A personal visit that was unreal. He had some things he had to speak to me about. A message sent from my heavenly Father. An encounter divine and a mystery too much so to be rational, but true.

The battle just got unreal. After calling a lady who has come to be a dear friend to me, I knew what I needed to do to resolve the situation, but we both commented on how intense the battle is getting for both of us as we work towards healing. Satan knows that once we work through this stuff we will be empowered and effective for the gospel and he is doing everything he can to thwart those efforts, even by re injuring us in the very place of the wound.

Things just got real. There is nowhere else to turn but God and the word of God. I left the house to work through parts of the workbook and then went to go to my secret spot to talk to God.

Paul was sent to me tonight.
Sent to remind and encourage me,
After flipping through the psalms and Isaiah and Jeremiah, I was like still not yet…

I decided to go to Romans, then kept going when some underlined words jumped out at me:

…. to demolish strongholds…

that’s what this is… that’s what this particular incident recently is triggering, a deeply entrenched stronghold. I knew this was about em and God and more about me learning to stand up for myself than anything…

but as I continued to read the verse, I was reminded that a stronghold is something that has to be demolished, why? Because it along with every pretension, anything false that we can really upon or lean up against for support, that sets itself up against the knowledge of God has to be torn down.

Demolished.

We do not fight with the weapons of this world, on the contrary, they have the divine power to demolish strongholds; we demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:4-5

then I got to Ephesians, where the personal encounter with Paul occurred.

I left empowered.
Enlightened.
Ready to fight.

Finally, something that made sense.

:::

Dear Mazvita,

This is Paul writing to you, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God,
To God's holy people in Ephesus, [a] the faithful in Christ Jesus:

2 Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

--- Praise for Spiritual Blessings in Christ

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love 5 he [b] predestined us for adoption to sonship [c] through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace 8 that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, 9 he [d] made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, 10 to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.

11 In him we were also chosen, [e] having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12 in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. 13 And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory.

--- Thanksgiving and Prayer

15 For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all his people, 16 I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. 17 I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit [f] of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his people, 19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength 20 he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 21 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that can be invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. 22 And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, 23 which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

--- Made Alive in Christ

1 As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature [g] and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

--- Jew and Gentile Reconciled Through Christ

11 Therefore, remember that formerly you who are Gentiles by birth and called "uncircumcised" by those who call themselves "the circumcision" (which is done in the body by human hands)— 12 remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. 13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ.

14 For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, 15 by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, 16 and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. 17 He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. 18 For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.

19 Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God's people and also members of his household, 20 built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. 21 In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. 22 And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.

--- God's Marvelous Plan for the Gentiles

1 For this reason I, Paul, the prisoner of Christ Jesus for the sake of you Gentiles—

2 Surely you have heard about the administration of God's grace that was given to me for you, 3 that is, the mystery made known to me by revelation, as I have already written briefly. 4 In reading this, then, you will be able to understand my insight into the mystery of Christ, 5 which was not made known to people in other generations as it has now been revealed by the Spirit to God's holy apostles and prophets. 6 This mystery is that through the gospel the Gentiles are heirs together with Israel, members together of one body, and sharers together in the promise in Christ Jesus.

7 I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God's grace given me through the working of his power. 8 Although I am less than the least of all the Lord's people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the boundless riches of Christ, 9 and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things. 10 His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, 11 according to his eternal purpose that he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord. 12 In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. 13 I ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory.

--- A Prayer for the Ephesians

14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family [h] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord's people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

--- Unity and Maturity in the Body of Christ

1 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

7 But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. 8 This is why it [i] says:
"When he ascended on high,
he took many captives
and gave gifts to his people." [j]

9 (What does "he ascended" mean except that he also descended to the lower, earthly regions [k]? 10 He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe.) 11 So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, 12 to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up 13 until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

14 Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

--- Instructions for Christian Living

17 So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18 They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19 Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.

20 That, however, is not the way of life you learned 21 when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 "In your anger do not sin" [l]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. 28 Those who have been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.

29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

1 Follow God's example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for the Lord's people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. [m] 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them.

8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. 14 This is why it is said:
"Wake up, sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."

15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

--- Instructions for Christian Households

21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing [n] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, people have never hated their own bodies, but they feed and care for them, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." [o] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 "Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 "so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." [p]

4 Fathers, [q] do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

5 Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. 6 Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. 7 Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, 8 because you know that the Lord will reward each one of you for whatever good you do, whether you are slave or free.

9 And masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Do not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favoritism with him.

--- The Armor of God

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people. 19 Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

--- Final Greetings

21 Tychicus, the dear brother and faithful servant in the Lord, will tell you everything, so that you also may know how I am and what I am doing. 22 I am sending him to you for this very purpose, that you may know how we are, and that he may encourage you.

23 Peace to the brothers and sisters, and love with faith from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. 24 Grace to all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with an undying love. [r]

Love,

Your brother, Paul

Never alone

God is faithful. Loving. True.
The everlasting God.
Maker of heaven and earth.
Surrounds me with his love.
With a loving embrace.
Father.
Spirit.
Son.

Caught in their love.
You rescue me again.
captured in your overwhelming grace.
Wall away my attempts.
Tenderly allure me in the desert
Where you alone can speak to me
Where you alone can be the provider of all I need
Where all my lovers are silent and fail to be my savior.
I run after them, I call their name... they do not hear me.
I come back to you. disappointed.
I find you there waiting.

My one true God.

though the mountains be shaken

This should be of no surprise tonight that tonight was the most powerful and freeing night I've had at recovery and the defeat would begin the minute I get home. I wish I'd never checked my email, this is why I have come to detest the internet, in the span of five minutes, I'm in a tailspin of discouragement. I had to confirm an appt. time. I wish I hadn't had to come on here. I feel so defeated after 13 blows by a two by four. I just long for something safe. This world is so harsh and cruel. Who or what can be trusted. Who or what is really for you.

I'm really glad I recorded all the victory that happened in recovery tonite in my journal in the 20 minutes before meeting up with my roommates. I should not be surprised really. Stones were moved tonight. Chains were loosed. Parts of my soul were set free tonight. The evil one will stop at nothing to bring me back to the lies of shame and unworth.

Part of why recovery is so difficult and such a vulnerable place to be is as our leader said tonight, you are unraveling your soul.

All of the darkest lies about yourself that you've lived with for years are uncovered and coming up to the surface and tonight I realized that's why I've been so sensitive lately, it seems everything and everyone that says anything negative is only affirming those lies.

Jesus, help me to find rest for my soul in you tonight. Be my Protector and my Guide. Lead me under the shelter of your wings. The only place I can find peace, rest and safety from this storm.

From NACR:

Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will
not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed
says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
Isaiah 54:10

"Mountains shake. Hills are removed. That's how it feels sometimes during the process of recovery. Our lives seem to be in constant upheaval as we change and stretch and grow. In the midst of these changes, the Lord has compassion on us. God's love and commitment are reaffirmed. We may feel shaken. We may change. Things may look different. But we can count on God's love. It is unfailing love - love that cannot be shaken.

God's promise of unfailing love for us and God's covenant of peace with us can provide the safety we need today. In the storm of change that recovery brings, God's love provides an anchor of safety and security. God's love can provide a peace and serenity that will not be removed.

Lord, I am shaken.
down to my foundations.
Sometimes I am afraid
of all the changes.
Will anything remain?
Will there be enough left to build on?
I need a foundation for my life, Lord.


For your love, Lord,
love that cannot be shaken,
I give you thanks.
For your covenant of peace, Lord,
peace that will not be removed,
I give you thanks.
Help me to build on the foundation
of your love and peace
Amen."

presence

The Lord is with me.
He is mighty to save.

Rob Bell and Mother Teresa, pt. I

You did not choose me, I chose you.
What it really means to be a disciple.




So I’m trying to process at least one thing from my day on here again cause I’ve been writing a lot in my real journal and then want to transfer like 5 posts at a time and that never happens with time. So, I’m posting the videos we watched in my No Greater Love Bible study today.

Rob Bell and Mother Teresa have a lot in common. It’s crazy. Our leader shows a Nooma video at the start of each session that ties in with the chapter in Mother Teresa’s book and it’s crazy the overlaps that are found in the material. I hope to post soon my reflections from this chapter and how it ties in with what I learned in the video today, but for now, experience it for yourself. It will make you think.

To be a kid again

Today was such an amazing day.

Women's ministry at Woodcrest in the morning was amazing. Today’s speaker was speaking straight to me. Our bible study discussion was unreal. The rob bell video. Coming home to eat lunch and eating outside. Precious moments of silence and time with God.

Support raising work.
Then taking a break meeting Korrin and the kids at the park. I’ve been in mom world for a now while and my biggest regret going to the park with the moms after bible study last semester was all the moms sit on the outside in a little clump while the kids run off and play in the playground.

Today, when I got up, I was looking forward to taking the kids to the park. To play. Not to watch. Paige runs up to me when I got there, ready to go play? Yeah I say, and she jumps in my arms. The other moms and korrin were like, we wish we had your energy. And I was, well you guys have them 24/7, if that was me, I wouldn’t have this energy either lol.

We had such a blast. It was like I was in another world. I didn’t have my phone or my anything, I was just in the moment, not even worrying about anything. It was so great and such a beautiful day. I don't remember the last time I was running around to the point of breaking a sweat. It was so much fun. And to enter Paige world, the things she thinks of, she comes to life out there in the playground and has so many adventures. It was so good. And a great hour break from the rest of the day.

Lord, I thank you for today and all the other amazing things you did and are doing.

(pic of Paige from today, this girl is hard to catch on camera but i finally got one shot of her being semi-still!)

a grateful heart i give

your love is amazing. steady and unchanging... your love carries me. your love makes me sing.

Today was a great day. God’s been delivering me from my fears more and more as He’s calling me to face them. Last night he reminded me that he would be there with me as I walked through a situation today. That I wasn’t going alone. That we’d get through it together.

I don’t know how or when, but my relationship with God has completely changed. Some of it from reading The Shack and all the things going on in my life during reading that book and things I’m going through now in the recovery process, but it has shifted. It’s more personal. More intimate. His voice is more present. And real. His comfort is amazing. His reassurance and guidance in my life felt. I can’t describe it but it is real. Thank you for an amazing day and for delivering me today as I trusted you. Shaking and scared, but afterwards relieved. You are good.

We are not God

When this devotional popped up in my email a few weeks ago, i saved it to my desktop cause I knew I needed to be reminded of this... daily. These words were just what I needed to hear that day and forever.

Be still, and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10

"We need to be reminded that we are not God.

This seems pretty basic. You wouldn't think it would be hard to remember. But we get so caught up in proving ourselves by performing, achieving and rescuing that we forget that we are humans with real limits. We fill our time so full of frenzied activity that there is no 'stillness'. And when there is no stillness, it is hard to remember who is God and who is not.

Fortunately, God does not forget who is God and who is not. God invites us to quiet ourselves, to slow ourselves down. God invites us to be still long enough to regain perspective. "Be still", God says, "and know that I am God."

In the stillness we can see again that there is a difference between our frenzy and God's kingdom. It is God's work to provide and protect and rescue. It is not our work. We can do our part. But our part needs to be respectful of our human limits. Our part needs to actively acknowledge our dependence on God. God is God, and we are not.


Help me to slow down, Lord.
Help me to be quiet.
Help me to be still long enough to remember that you are God.
Help me to remember who is creature and who is Creator.
Let this truth free me, Lord, to accept my limits,
Amen."

- NACR devotional

Broken dependence

Situations in my life recently, ranging in various degrees, have been shedding light on my trust issues and my willingness to depend on God.

There is a difference between “trusting God” and “actively trusting” Him. Revealed most recently in the ever-present idol of control.
It’s a bitter pill.

He's having to break my dependence on these other gods.

What I found in these recent challenges was the issue was more the anxiety I felt because I was not in control of the situation… I was entering into several uncontrolled environments and that was nearly enough to ensue a panic attack. Nearly. Not quite. But a flood of emotions.

I’ve had to depend on God in a deeper way more and more each day. To the point where it is uncomfortable. I’m finding a lot of comfort in what Mother Teresa shares in the book I’m in a group study for… mostly because I feel I can connect with her not because I'm a saint or anywhere close, but ONLY after reading Come Be My Light before reading this one.

Come Be My Light gave me no room to put her on a pedestal. It reveals the darkness beneath her light. Her struggles to trust God. Her doubts in believing. Her challenges. Her dreams. Her hopes. Her fears. It shows us the real person. Who was great because of one thing, her love for Jesus. And that love was all she had.

It was what she lived on, what gave her life.

So these first few words of No Greater Love are something I have gone back to FREQUENTLY in the last couple of weeks. To remind myself of the secret. Dependence on my God. Moment by moment. Breath by breath. That his grace is the only thing that will carry me.
Where is your hope, really?
Where is your trust, Mags?

The answers to these questions recently has revealed the shift God is trying to produce in my heart, to bring more and more of my heart fully to him. It is a painful surgery, from our trusted idols.

I’m needing to let go.

“I don’t think there is anyone who needs God’s help and grace as much as I do. Sometimes I feel so helpless and weak. I think that is why God uses me. Because I cannot depend on my own strength, I rely on Him twenty-four hours a day. If the day had even more hours, then I would need His help and grace during those hours as well. All of us must cling to God through prayer.

My secret is very simple: I pray. Through prayer I become one in love with Christ. I realize that praying to Him is loving Him."

My delight is in her.

You rescued me again today. From my misery, and from my tide of shame and doubt, insecurity and weakness, I turned to you and you did not fail me. Your word never returns empty.

You reminded me of who I really am.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, [a]

2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

Isaiah 61:1-14

You will called a mighty oak, a planting of the LORD, for the display for his splendor. This is what I was created for and this is who I am, for the display of your splendor.

For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet,
till her righteousness shines out like the dawn,
her salvation like a blazing torch.

2 The nations will see your righteousness,
and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the LORD will bestow.

3 You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD's hand,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

4 No longer will they call you Deserted,
or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah, [a]
and your land Beulah [b] ;
for the LORD will take delight in you,
and your land will be married.

…

12 They will be called the Holy People,
the Redeemed of the LORD;
and you will be called Sought After,
the City No Longer Deserted.


God says something pretty powerful here.

He says, you will called PURSUED or SOUGHT AFTER… no longer deserted. He knew our intense struggle with abandonment and our fears of being alone. He reminds of we are passionately pursued, even when we do not feel like it. he reminds us that we have been given a new name, and Hephzibah literally means, “my delight is in her.”

You have been given a new name…

My child, in whom I greatly delight.

Today I heard these words as if He was right here speaking to me.

“and you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the LORD will bestow.”

I will rescue you, my child, yes I will help you.

You are my precious one, in whom I delight.

loved.

"You belong somewhere you feel free."

I feel loved.

Lord, thank you for placing me in so many families.

For having little sisters who are in high school who want to hang out whenever I’m in town. And share things with me they’ve never talked about with anyone. Who feel safe with me even though we’ve only met a couple times around the whole family.

And then the other family. Thank you for placing me in this couple’s life. for him telling me he views me as a daughter. For the conversations we have and how it has been so natural. For how tonight I felt like they were a cross between my parents and grandparents. For how I realized last week I feel safe around him. For how much you’re teaching me through them. For how good you are.

Thank you.

For extended family. I feel truly loved.

In other news, there is a lot goin on. Too much to write about now. But I have piles upon piles of blogs to be shared in the near future!