Flowers from Haiti!

My fiance’ is a stud.

He is seriously amazing and a gift in my life I thank God for everyday.

If anything has happened in the last month we’ve been apart, it is that we have realized through and through we are truly best friends.

God knew what He was doing when He brought us together, and though we have been miles apart and on separate journeys, we’ve traveled several miles together on the journey we’re on together as we are more united than ever and this time has only strengthened our faith, deepened our dependence on our Father and only served to strengthen our bond.

It was a risk worth taking. And the work He has been doing in and through Ben makes me all the more grateful that Ben was able to use the gifts he’s been given to help in the midst of this tragedy in Haiti.

We made a choice to trust and that choice was both a moment and a process. The way of trust is never easy, simple nor free of suffering, but if there is one thing I have learned fresh and anew again, it is the personal experience of the last few weeks of this truth that has been a comfort and a reality to my feeble soul,

The Lord is faithful and He takes such great care of His children.

He has a plan and His way, though it is not always easy, nor can we always fathom His designs, is perfect. Is good. Is the way that leads to life…

The Lord has been tender in leading me through a journey with Him in this last month that could not have happened any other way than the circumstances I’ve faced the last two months. He has been ushering me to greater depths of His heart and allowing me to walk in greater areas of freedom. Leading me to something more life-giving, more free...

He has been doing the same in Ben’s heart and life and stripping us both away from all that was familiar so that we could be found, alive and anew in His arms again.

I’ve been on a spiritual journey through the wilderness of my own soul yet again and in a place where only God could speak to me. This has been incredibly painful at times, yet it has been a journey that has breathed life into me again.

But this post is about this pretty amazing guy in my life right now, who sent me flowers all the way from Haiti for Valentine’s Day!!!

With him being in Haiti, I was not expecting ANYTHING on Feb. 14, even though I was kinda bummed we wouldn’t get to spend our first Valentine’s Day together. We were talking about it a few days before and even leading up to that day, it wasn’t really like I was sad because it wouldn’t be like last year, because I have spent every other Valentine's Day single, so I was used to doing something with friends that day or something!

But, God has blessed me with a man who totally speaks to my heart. I never said anything about being sad we couldn’t be together or alluded to the fact we couldn’t give each other gifts, it was just like anything else in the last month being apart, we knew it was sad not to be together but we were going to get through it, acknowledge reality, yet also accept our circumstances. It's not like I didn't understand, he was in Haiti after all!

Yet, that morning, I woke up and was thinking, you know wouldn’t it be cool if he sent me flowers online or something or coordinated something through his brother? But I immediately dismissed the thought and was like, Mazvita, you are being SO selfish, he is in Haiti, the last thing on his mind would be that and you know that he loves you, he tells you that and so many other amazing things everyday, this year is just a different scenario.

But, I’m so blessed to be with someone who knows all the little things that mean the world to me and make me feel like a million dollars.

We had a skype date planned and he called my phone a little bit before from his skype since I was still doing some things at home and told him I was packing up to leave.

After asking me a few questions about why I’m leaving and where I’m going, I tell him my roommates are all home and so I’m moving to campus to find somewhere quieter…

Then in walks Trotter bearing gifts!!! (Trotter is our friend and Ben’s roommate) Poor Trotter, he has been the delivery boy many a time for Ben when Ben wants to send me over surprises (they live about 1.5 minutes away, just up the street.)

Next thing I know, Trotter interrupts me as I’m finishing to do my hair with, holding out his hand with a dozen red roses and a wrapped gift, saying “Here, these are from Haiti.”

And with that, turns to leave lol.

I could not believe it! With everything that Ben has going on and in the 16 hour work days he’s been working and the intense emotional stress of everything in the environment he’s in, I was absolutely floored. I couldn't believe how he had coordinated with his brother and Trotter to go out and get me stuff for Valentine's Day and send it over during our date, so thoughtful and so sweet. (And I apparently ruined the plan cause he thought I would get on skype at my house and he'd be able to see my reaction when Trotter walked in!)

But it is things like this that he does all the time, small tokens of his love for me, that only communicate a much greater Love and that totally reflect the heart of God to me.

I am blessed to be with a man who loves me as I was created to be loved. In only ways that God knows, the ways that speak to my heart and the heart He created.

I always told girls to wait for a man who recognizes and treats you like the princess you truly are, for the princess God sees and loves, for a man who treats you like the precious jewel that you are and who cherishes you for who you are.

How did I get so blessed?

I’m blessed to be with a man who is not intimidated by my strength, yet encourages and calls me to become more of who I was created to be, who loves seeing me fully alive, who values me for who I am, who tells me I’m beautiful and how much he loves me all the time, who tells me how much better his life is with me in it, and who reminds me everyday as Jonalyn Grace Fincher says, that he needs me as a woman,

“His companionship reminds me of the many ways two can become one, and that I always offer something worth knowing to one man on earth. Through my husband’s eyes, I get daily reminders that a man needs a woman, not as a servant or helpers, not as a cook or a nurturer, not as a princess or a nag, but as a woman.”

I’m blessed to be marrying a man who understands and values marriage as a partnership and a lifelong choice to die for one another daily. That marriage is a choice to love yet strengthened in the daily choices of commitment and sacrifice. Some of which we have been tasting and experiencing in our engagement period and the trials and external situations that have affected us. Yet, He has pulled us through and we are more in love with our Father and have been drawn closer to one another.

We’ve had many a tearful skype date including the one last Sunday, on Valentine’s Day, as we’ve been realized more and more how blessed we are to have each other in our lives and that we truly are stronger together than apart.

God has brought us through. I have never been more in awe of His power and His might. Of the mysterious inner workings of grace and the sheer unrelenting facets of His unfailing love. A love that captures and consumes, a love that pursues, heals, restores. I feel only He will know the roads that have been traveled in my heart in the last month especially and the treasures I’ve found in the darkness. Only God will ever know the value of this time in the wilderness and the beauty in the things unseen. With so many difficult things going on, not only have those put our lives and our wedding in perspective, but these things have stolen my joy and excitement for my wedding. There have been days when planning a wedding or doing things I needed to get done for the wedding seemed simply trivial, I would find it hard to get excited about picking a design for our invitations or work on save the dates when I was surrounded by so much devastation in the lives of those around me - of walking with friends reeling from the effects of the pain of infidelity in their marriages to my own painful processing and how these events have affected me and surrendered my hope for marriage. Or the days when I was reeling from the effects of the pruning taking place in my own heart and the life that has had to be cut away, so there can be new again. Yet God is restoring my joy and my hope. And has been walking with me and reminding me that I am His Beloved and His child, in ways I will never be able to express. He's restored my sense of security in Him and given me a peace that can only come from Him. He is faithful; He is mighty to save. And now, I’m more excited than ever for what God has for our lives, to see Ben again and to spend these next few months with Ben preparing for our new life together and our wedding day!!!

Xoxo,
The soon-to-be-Mrs. Lewton

Seen

“Yes, you are seen…”

A powerful and sacred meeting with Jesus of Nazareth… these always come at the most critical of ventures.

In the last week and a half, I have written more than 28 posts. Most of these will never be published, yet the events of the last two weeks and last two months of my engagement period, I’ve been on a journey that if I had been told a few months ago this is what life was going to look like, I wouldn’t have been able to believe it.

Through the course of these events, I’ve taken many bullets. Life has hit hard and set off a whole host of dynamics within my soul I could have never imagined. Tremors felt deep within. At the core... of who I am and who He says I am. A time where my soul has been shaken. A time of trials and suffering and devastating news to exciting news to change and grief and separation and pain and betrayal and anger. A time of joy and love and intimacy and warmth and excitement yet also a time marred by a deep under current of sadness and a heaviness that when it’s lifted, in moments like this afternoon till now, I remember how few and far between the absence of that heaviness has been. The last time I remember being freed from its grip was Friday. Five days ago. Before that, Tuesday night for a few hours. Before that, I can’t remember.

The most devastating event was receiving news that knocked the wind out of me when I heard it. I am still trying to recover even though it has now been a month. The painful news and devastation of betrayal of someone I greatly respect sent me reeling. I was still in the aftermath of the pain yet life continued to go on as normal, yet things have never been the same. On top of that, the absence of that presence in my life coupled by my fiancé being gone for a month to serve in the aftermath of the earthquake in Haiti. While this was a decision filled with mixed emotion, we were unanimous in our desire for him to go. There is no greater joy than seeing someone you love and care for so deeply being able to serve and do that which makes them fully alive, the type of stuff they were made to do, the things God created them for. Yet the reality of the pain and living life separated for a while has brought a grief beyond imaginable. While we counted the cost, we both never knew being apart could be so difficult. It is as if our hearts are in a faraway place, mine in Haiti, his here with me.

This situation came on the heels of an already emotional intensive two months. Since the second day we were engaged, it has not stopped. The bullets have been flying and today, I realized there was nothing left. This soldier had quit fighting. All I could do today was show up. I fought myself to go to the office this morning, knowing all I could do was show up, though I didn’t even feel present. The last few days I’ve just wanted life to go back to normal. But sadly, in this world of sin and brokenness, the painful residue of the last two months will never leave me.

“It is one thing to feel loved by God when our life is together and all our support systems are in place. Then self-acceptance if relatively easy. we may even claim that we are coming to like ourselves. When we are strong, on top, and in control, a sense of security crystallizes. But what happens when life falls through the cracks?”

Yet, my prayers, father, restore my soul, for I am shaken. Were heard. Even though he has seemed silent for days and I’ve just desperately longed for his touch and there have been days I’ve had to remind myself, okay, God, I know you’re here even though I can’t feel you… today, my Savior broke through. And rescued me yet again. Helped me to see the damage of the wounds at my core. And the things I’ve been believing about myself, the world and others as a result. Told me everything is going to be okay. Gave me hope again. A hope I can believe in anyway. A hope I can cling to. Told me I am not a failure, but beloved. Told me a different story than the one I’ve been hearing. Than the one I’ve been telling myself and the self I have been rejecting.

“Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.”

Wounded. Unseen, unsought, uncertain.

“The lives of those fully engaged in the human struggle will be riddled with bullet holes. Whatever happened in the life of Jesus is in some way going to happen to us. Wounds are necessary. The soul has to be wounded as well as the body. To think that the natural and proper state is to be without wounds is an illusion. Those who wear bulletproof vests protecting themselves from failure, shipwreck, and heartbreak will never know what love is. The unwounded life bears no resemblance to the Rabbi.”

Come, restore me. For my soul is shaken.

“Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the ‘Beloved.’ Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence. We learn to be gentle with ourselves by experiencing the intimate, heartfelt compassion of Jesus.”

“Our skepticism and timidity keep us from belief and acceptance, however, we don’t hate God, but we hate ourselves. Yet the spiritual life begins with the acceptance of our wounded self.” “Faith is the courage to accept acceptance.”

Come to me…

“But God loves who we really are… and He calls us to come out of hiding…” You are in a safe place.”

Held. Received. Accepted.

Yes, you are seen.

“Surrender your poverty and acknowledge your nothingness to the Lord.”

He met me on the strangest of happenings today in such an amazing way. Pursued me and would not let me go on without this meeting today, for He wanted to heal me there in that place. Speaking to the depths of my soul in a way that only He can. Lifting me another few inches out of the depths and entering into the darkness with me, yet again, and reminding me that yes, He is the God who sees me.

I am never alone.

Yes, you are seen.
Yes, you are my Beloved.
You are my daughter, with whom I am well pleased.

Six months!

Written Monday August 8:

"Let's look back to six months ago… Did you have any idea we’d be here? Any idea this is what life would be like?"

I asked him tonight as I sat in a Walmart parking lot in Missouri and he sat in Haiti.

As so much has happened in our relationship in the last two weeks, we’ve been saying to each other, okay 6 months ago… we would have had no idea this is what life would look like.

Let’s just do a quick recap:

- August 8, Ben and I start dating.

- December 10th, Ben asks me to marry him. The next month and a half is one of the most intense 45 day periods either of us have experienced as life hit both of us pretty hard with personal crises involving people close to us and working through life and the aftermath of those crises, dealing intensely with issues important for us to work out before marriage, getting wedding plans in motion, all the while school has started and a the rush and busyness of a new semester. Reeling from the effects of those events, yet finally coming into a clearing and a little bit of peace and working to balance life, work, ministry, preparing for our marriage, planning our wedding, spending time with people, spending time with each other, resting.

- January 22nd, Ben gets a call from an international relief organization he has past experience with, asking if he could be deployed to Haiti to assist with emergency relief due to the earthquake that struck.

- January 25, we make a decision and were both 100% united and for him going to Haiti.

- Feb. 1, Ben and I say goodbye for the next 2-6 weeks as I take him to the airport to fly to Ft. Lauderdale.

- Feb. 2, the next morning, he leaves FL for Haiti and arrives that afternoon.

It has been the most intense last couple of months, wow!

I’ve written more than 20 posts in the last week alone, some of which I will start posting here in the next few days, but God has done and is doing so much right now in both of our lives, through both of our individual and unique circumstances of the last week and together on our journey.

I’ll be sharing more later, but Ben got there safely and is doing great and God is using him to do His work there in Haiti. It has been incredible to see and be a part of.

Last week was rough on both of us, as we went into this with really no expectations on communication, but knew Ben would be able to email at least every couple of days since his organization communicates to the base here in the states primarily through email. He got a satellite connection a couple of times last week, but the only time I either didn’t miss his call or we were able to get a good connection was Wednesday night when we talked for about 30 minutes.

But, praise the Lord! Ben sent me a very joyous email, it was so adorable, but he was really excited because he said they were installing a satellite connection near their compound in the next couple of days and that now we’d be able to talk every night! And praise the Lord, today we got to skype!!!

Both of us have never appreciated technology more.

In this last week, we have both realized so much about our relationship and what God has brought together and is building between us. We could have never expected it to be so difficult to be apart from each other. It’s like our hearts are in a faraway place. Mine in Haiti, his here.

Yet getting to connect and talk on the phone last night and skype today was so amazing!!!

We have been saying how we could have never imagined, 6 months ago, that this is where we’d be and this is what life would look like, and Friday, as it was exactly FOUR months until our wedding day, I was thinking about how different life would look like then too.

God is with us on this journey, He has never left our side. The road never looks how we imagined or envisioned it could be, yet our Leader and our Guide can be trusted.

He has been leading us both to greater areas of freedom, as we’ve both had to face our fears, struggles and insecurities in this in a way we never could have imagined and found that God wanted to meet us there and usher us to deeper depths of His heart. A journey forged in ruthless trust and reckless abandonment to our savior, as we hold our selves, our very lives, our relationship, our future, our souls, open-handed before you, saying they are yours, we belong to you.

It has been an amazing six months!!! There is no sugar-coating it, the time apart sucks. But, it is achieving a purpose and a strength in our relationship together and individually with the Lord that is undeniable real, necessary and valuable. It has strengthened our bond in so many ways, though our hearts long to be reunited.

I thank God every day for who He’s created Ben to be and the gift he is in my life and the gift of this relationship and having a partner. More than anything, this week, we’ve both missed having our best friend around. That person who knows you better than anyone else, to do and share life with, the person you care about and love and cherish more deeply than anyone else, that person you belong to and belongs to you, that person who gets you, can make you laugh even when you’re about to cry, that person who values and desires you the most, who serves and lays down their lives for you, that person with whom you feel the most safe with and who makes anything fun, who loves you in just the way you need to be loved and whom you love more than you knew it was possible to love… I continue to give God Ben and our relationship, it all belongs to Him…

May Your will not ours be done. We trust you with our future and ask for your love and grace to continue the next six months and wherever your path leads. Give us the grace to know you more, give us the strength to follow you each day. May we become more beautifully yours.

Thank you for six incredible months together!