Prelude to today's posts and why I love Dan Allender.

"I WISH THINGS WERE SIMPLE. I wish that difficult problems could all be easily resolved through sincere determination to obey God, regular time in His word, and fervent prayer.

In a sense, they can. The heart that is single-minded in its commitment to follow Christ will learn to unself-consciously love, to be so consumed with the wonder of God and promoting joy in others that personal concerns retreat to a well-deserved lower priority.

But our hearts are deceitful.

A simple decision to surrender everything to Jesus may start a good process, but there are a host of hard, ugly things to deal with that we prefer to overlook as we keep on surrendering.

We sometimes manage to persuade ourselves that God is as pleased as we are with our developing maturity, while in fact His Spirit is gently pushing open doors into the darker regions of our hearts that we pretend don’t exist.

Christians who have the courage to follow the Spirit into the unfriendly parts of their souls have a harder time pretending that the maturing process is coming along nicely. They face the fact that living in a fallen world sometimes exposes people to experiences that no bearer of God’s image was ever meant to endure and that our reactions to those experiences are deeply stained with our own fallenness.

When people—through absolutely no fault of their own—are subjected to terrible crimes against God and against their souls… powerful forces are set in motion within them that make it especially frightening to give themselves to others. Exhorting them to “just trust God” tends to generate frustration and provoke angry questions about the reality of Christian truth.

One of the great needs in the church today is to replace a model for simplistic sanctification with an understanding of the gospel that is both simple and penetrating, reaching with power into the realities of sinful, damaged souls.

That shift requires pioneer work in thinking hard about tough problems that we don’t like to talk about. Problems that, because they do not yield easily to our current ideas about victory in Christ, tend to be ignored.

If that pioneering effort is to be biblical, it must insist that the image of God is central to developing a solid view of personality; that our sinfulness, not how we’ve been sinned against, is our biggest problem; that forgiveness, not wholeness, is our greatest need; that repentance, not insight, is the dynamic in all real change."

- Dr. Dan Allender

To be alive is to be broken...

"To be alive is to be broken; and to be broken is to stand in need of grace."

Strange how it is when I feel the most broken, I feel the most alive.
Most in touch with the God who is with me in my brokenness, the One who calls me by name and whispers,

You are mine.

Strange how when I am most broken, I am most aware of my neediness and humanness. Most in touch with my need for God. Most keenly aware of my need for a Savior who gives me grace.

“Mystery is spoiled in a word.”

To try and describe God’s love and how I’ve experienced his amazing grace and healing and restoration in my life in the last few days would only cheapen it.

All I can say is I’m grateful.

Tearing down my walls, brick by brick.

The walls I built up, the fortress I constructed in times of insecurity.
The walls I trust in more than I trust in the God I claim I love.
The walls that have stolen my idolatrous trust, for in them I have found security. In them I have found safety and protection. In them I have found my identity. In them I have found the life I thought I so desired.

But He is tearing them down, brick by brick.
Through my circumstances, through every change in my life in the last year, He is tearing down

So my life can be rebuilt.
It is terrifying. Yet it is beautiful.

Last night my heart could say, Lord you are good. You are so good. You are breaking me, you are demolishing the fortress, tearing down the walls, so that I may truly live.

So all I once found comfort in and a false sense of self, a false sense of security may come tumbling down, that I would turn to the One true God, not only surrendering parts of me, but all of me.

"I lay myself at your feet
Asking you
Won’t you need me

So here I am
Tonight
With my arms
Open wide

Won’t you come, inside?"
- Shawn McDonald

Those words were a song written on my heart, a song my soul recognized when I heard that song come up the other day listenting to music.

Words so close to my the true cry of my heart.
Words of surrender

And reckless abandon.
And words that remind me that I am never alone, for you are with me.
Through the storms and sorrows and through the joys and wonders of your grace.
You are here and you’re breaking me down, with everything in my life, to draw me deeper into your heart, to draw me deeper into the life you have for me, not the life I have constructed and need freed from. You rescue me because you delight in me. My worth comes from you.

"To be alive is to be broken and to be broken is to be in need of grace."
Amen.

True hope

"TRUE HOPE NEVER MINIMIZES A PROBLEM in order to make it more palatable and easily managed. For the Christian, hope begins by recognizing the utter hopelessness of our condition and the necessity of divine intervention, if we are to experience true joy. Any personal change that can be achieved solely through human, in contrast to supernatural, intervention will neither satisfy nor change our heart. A proper focus on the deep would is therefore neither negative nor does it promote despair. Rather, it sets the stage for the dramatic work of God.”

- Dr. Dan Allender

.::vision of reality::.

Every change in a person’s life grows out of a change of their vision of reality. [ Brennan Manning ]

Yesterday my vision of reality was drastically altered. It was as if I have had a broken bone for the last few weeks but couldn’t really name the pain or where the ache was coming from, but seeing it and figuring out how it got there and the path moving forward, changed everything. It was a moment that had been in the making for weeks now, slowly, bit by bit, until finally I could see.

I felt freed. I felt loved. I felt held. Known. Received.

Someone is setting my soul free.

Home is where we belong... Something life-giving and true.

Jonalyn Grace Fincher has been described to me as one of those women who is breaking ground for the church's understanding of women today and is a part of a very small circle of women who are trailblazing this issue today. Women such as Dr. Sarah Sumner formally of Asuza Pacific Seminary in California, the first female to earn a phD in divinity, author of books such as Men and Women in the Church. Or Ruth Haley Barton, author/speaker/innovator, who has written books such as Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership and Sacred Rhythms. Or what about women like Nancy Beach, teaching pastor at Willow Creek and creative arts director there, who wrote a groundbreaking book all women in leadership in the church have been waiting for - Gifted to Lead, discussing the art of leading as a woman in the church, lifting the glass ceiling for women and empowering them to lead and know their full potential.

Usually this discussion of the role of women is something that is studied and understood by those who have a seminary education and solid theological training, but the rest of us, the ordinary women, have been left out of that conversation. Finally there are women like Fincher who have that seminary training, but are now putting it into language we as everyday women can understand, wrestle with, and be empowered with, as her book Ruby Slippers: How the soul of a woman brings her home has been dubbed a theological slant on Captivating. But it is much more than that. Jonalyn has something incredibly important to say to us -- men and women, about the unique gift deep within - the gift of the feminine soul. She has something life-giving and true to say. Something we desperately need to hear.

--

"Our femininity shouldn’t be like Cinderella’s golden slippers—we shouldn’t have to contort ourselves to fit someone else’s understanding of what it means to be feminine.

(In the previous section of the book, she expounds upon the original version of Cinderella, in Grimm’s Fairy Tales, where the familiar glass slipper is actually a golden pair that is, of course, very small, pinching shoes that don’t really fit, much like how many of us women can really, as we’ve all tried to force ourselves into a brand of femininity that just doesn’t fit.)

Could there be a kind of femininity that is life-giving, not juveniles or overly idealistic, something not constricting, but freeing to our souls? Something Christ might be able to help us find.

Think about one more pair of fairy-tale shoes: the witch’s ruby slippers that Dorothy wears in MGM’s movie, The Wizard of Oz. These slippers are like our femininity, something we’ve been given that we’re not always sure we want. When Dorothy puts them on, Glinda says, “There they are and there they’ll stay.” These shoes weren’t what Dorothy was expecting—they are the main source of her continual problems. The Wicked Witch of the West will stop at nothing to claim them because they’re powerful. This is where the magic comes in; the ruby slippers cannot be removed unless Dorothy is killed. Dorothy is unaware of her ruby slippers’ potential; she has no clue that they’re the answer to her deepest problem and her life’s quest.

Dorothy’s story is like our own.

After all Dorothy’s efforts are spent, after she’s played an unintentional part in murdering the evil witch, after her friends are disillusioned and traumatized by their unsuccessful journey, Dorothy learns she’s always had what she needed to get safely home.

She learns that she didn’t need to work so hard, that her to-do list was way too long. Getting home is surprising simple and close.

In our journey for Christian womanhood, how many girlfriends have we seen give up? How many women drop off along the way, disillusioned with the fake Emerald City and the empty powers of the wizard? For all we’ve seen and experienced, femininity seems a beautiful glitzy present, full of sparkle and attraction, but a sparkle that attracts more trouble than its worth. we don’t know the gift of our ruby slippers; we’d rather keep marching the yellow brick road, find companions to help along the way, and disregard the particular gift we were given upon entry into this world.

We still own a gift nearer than any task we complete or family we build up. We own a gift within, a gift we’ve carried since conception, and yet a gift few of us have plumbed to tap its potential. It is our feminine soul. the corsets we wear—the constricting stories about womanhood that many of us have been told since our earliest days—are neither life-giving nor true. What is our true femininity might be able to free rather than imprison us? What if our femininity pointed us back home?

Home is where we belong.

We really can be freer than we are; our souls tell us there is something to reclaim, something Christ must redeem in us. Home means acceptance. Henri Nouwen, a Catholic monk and mystic, wrote that home is where he can hear the voice of God saying, “You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests.”

Home is where we are safe and therefore most alive. Home is where we are free from the Wicked Witches of the East and West and North and South. Home is where we are released from our own ego condemning us in what we have done. Home is where we relax with the gift we have been given, glad to know and accept and use it. Home is where we return to the God we alienated, the God who still, surprising, wants us, the God who made us, the God whose image we bear. Home is when we discover how to fit into his kingdom.

We need to find what lies in these ruby slippers. We don’t have to earn it or march along the winding yellow brick road to find it.

We have it now.

Femininity is something we get to grow, not gain. Author Rob Bell said it well in Velvet Elvis: “We achieve and we push and we perform and we shop and we work out and we accomplish great things, longing to repair the image. Longing to find an identity that feels right. Longing to be comfortable in our own skin. But the thing we are searching for is not somewhere else. It is right here."

Femininity is embedded in us, just like masculinity is embedded in men. Our femininity is like a seed in us waiting to be watered; we get to find out what we are and watch Christ redeem and grow our femininity into a green sprout, then a slender sapling, and finally a mighty oak. The work, if you could call it that, is to enjoy owning and growing what you already have: the gift of these ruby slippers."

- Jonalyn Grace Fincher, Ruby Slippers

One month! (okay, a little late :)

Alright so life is going by a little way too fast these days jumping into a new full-time job and entering a new stage of life in vocational ministry, a lot of other changes like moving, goodbyes, new roommates, and oh yeah, a new relationship!

So now it's a little over a month - yesterday was 6 weeks to be exact, I wanted to post my favorite pics from the first month/6 weeks of our relationship, but I ain't got time for all of that right now -- so how about the last couple of weeks?! But here is most of my favs.

Ben is an incredibly amazing man I am blessed to be with and one who cherishes me, treats me like a princess, and reminds me every day that I am a gift to him and how blessed he also feels. CRAZY! We are enjoying dating and excited to be in this season. Ben is a man who truly loves the Lord and desires to follow Him in everything that He does, I am so blessed by his friendship and the times we share!

One month anniversary dinner at Addison's!

At my good friend's Justin and Morgan Rio's Wedding in North Carolina Labor Day Weekend.

Vogue. We were matchy matchy at church last night. Black and White day. Oh wait, everyday is black and white day :)



"The Great Escape(s)" We took a few out of town adventures, mini day trips during the crazy busyness of the first month of school, both Ben and I serve on staff at a campus church (he is transitioning from working overseas with Samaritan's Purse and is on associate staff, I just finished support raising to be full-time) and we knew the first month of our relationship would look pretty different and would mean less time together as our first priority and focus was on ministry, but we found time to get away from campus even if just for a few hours! It was worth it.

Today at our good friends, Ryan and Kate's house in St. Louis. More pics of our visit with them to come, we had a blast with the Kromanns!

You have provided.

A fresh revelation of these three words reverberated a truth in my soul that signaled a flood of emotions that caught me totally unaware.

Realizing the power of their truth my mind suddenly raced to how different life looked just a couple months ago, a month ago, a year ago.

You have provided.

I wrote earlier in my journal tonight...

When I look at all you’ve done. I don’t even have words.

I feel like underneath it all is an undercurrent of swirling activity in my life lately.

You have provided.

Above and beyond.

So much in my life is different… from what once was.

Just a few months, a month, a year ago.

Everything is in a new color.

You have blessed me beyond words. In the last couple of months I’ve seen many things come to life. there has been a swirl of activity. God you are doing something in my life right now that I can definitely feel, but know I cannot even completely know or see. You are changing my life. you are doing things within me to allow me to become all you created me to be. You are providing and have provided opportunities I never would have dreamed of having right now. You are leading and opening doors. You are placing people in my life and environments that are releasing me to be more fully who you created me to be. You are awakening my heart again and providing all that I need to be fully alive. Just in the last couple of months - You have blessed me with seeing me through to the end of my support raising journey. You have released me into full-time ministry with a campus church. You have provided opportunities to grow and train and develop several of my passions. You have launched a recovery ministry I have been dreaming about. You have blessed me with an amazing man, partner, and friend who loves you and is following and honoring you in his daily life and given me the joy of being his girlfriend. You have blessed me with the joy of being on this journey with Ben and this relationship.

You have blessed me with providing older women in my life. you have blessed me with providing amazing best girlfriends – across the country, across the ocean, two hours away or here. You have blessed me with starting a new job, transitioning into a new stage of life in vocational ministry. You have blessed me with awesome roommates and a place that now feels like home. You have blessed me with men in my life who love me as a daughter, men I feel loved, cared for and protected for as a father would. You have blessed me with many friends who are moms, women I love being around and seeing their stage of life. you have blessed me by placing me in many families. I could go on. You are blessing me. Growing me and stretching me. You are giving me life and giving me strength to face each day.

You are calling me to more. To do more, yet more importantly to be more.
You alone make it possible.

You give me grace and ask me to rely upon it each day. To receive it.

All I know is to put my trust in you. All I know to do is surrender each day to you. But I can't even take credit for that, it is you who enables me to trust, it is you who enables me to surrender.

You never fail. And you are always with me. Loving. Giving. Guiding. Protecting. Speaking. Caring. Shepherding. Leading. Healing. Delighting in me.

Everything is in a new color. Yet it is good.

You have provided.

You have heard me and you have answered me.

You are the God who first spoke these things into my heart.
You are the God who led me tenderly by the hand as you took me down crooked paths, through arid deserts, and through many mountains and valleys.
You are the God who never left my side.
My Father and Protector, my strength and my love.

You are the God who held me when it felt like the world was falling apart.
You are the God who believed in me when I didn’t even have the strength to believe in myself.
You are the God who speaks to me tenderly and passionately, who reminds me of what I worth, of who I am and whose I am.

You are the God who rejoices over me.
Who delights in me, whose verse I heard tonight – you are my beloved, with whom I am very well pleased.

You are the God who comforts me in any storm, who meets me in the deepest and darkest places of my fears and insecurities and longings, in my failings and in my sins.

You are the God who pursues me with an unrelenting tenderness and affection.
Who speaks to the deepest places of my heart, who awakens me with your love, time and time again.

You are the God who has provided.
Everything and all that I need.

I look to you.

You have never let me down. You have never failed me. You have never forgotten.

You are the Lord.

The one true God.
In whom I place my trust.

It is you who gives me life and joy, so that I may too experience that life and joy. It is you who has transformed my heart and who continues to transform my heart more and more each day.

It is you who has spoken these promises to me. Words that will never fail.

You have provided.

You told me I could trust in you.

You alone are God.

You are more captivating and more beautiful and amazing, yet more

“because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.”

Amen.

the joy of ruthless trust

True faith lies not only in believing what God has said about Himself is true but also what he has said about us.
{ A.W. Tozer }

The essence of biblical faith lies in simply trusting God.
{ Brennan Manning }

To know You and be found in You

To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love, scorned indeed by the too-easily-satisfied religionist, but justified in happy experience by the children of the burning heart.

:: A.W. Tozer

the power of truth

“Truth is a glorious but hard mistress. She never consults, bargains or compromises."
- A.W. Tozer

The glorious freedom of honesty, grace and trust.

Joy

You give me joy that’s unspeakable.
You surround me with your love.
You sustain me with your grace.

You lead me with your unfailing love.
You teach me that in your word I can place my trust.
For your promises are true, and your mercies everlasting.

For you alone are God and you alone are good.

You give me joy that’s unspeakable.
A life full of adventure and wonder.
As I am captured by your love
And found amazed again by your faithfulness.
Your care
Your tender mercies
Captivated again by your beauty
And your undying love.

You give me joy that’s unspeakable.
And a life more precious than I could have ever imagined.