A grateful heart I give

{a season of ruthless trust, continued}


"Let’s say I interviewed ten people, ask each the same question—“Do you trust God?”—and each answered, “Yes, I trust God,” but nine of the ten actually did not trust him. How would I find out which one of the ragamuffins was telling the truth?

I would videotape each of the ten lives for a month and then, after watching the videos, pass judgment using this criterion: the person with an abiding spirit of gratitude is the one who trusts God.

The foremost quality of a trusting disciple is gratefulness. Gratitude arises from the lived perception, evaluation, and acceptance of all of life as grace—as an undeserved and unearned gift from the Father’s hand. Such recognition is itself the work of grace, and acceptance of the gift is implicitly an acknowledgment of the Giver."

:: Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning

a season of ruthless trust

The call is the same…

There has been a continued season of inner separation and a deeper call to trust him with every area of my life.

This season has continued to be one of ruthless trust, even more so with a series of ever-changing circumstances, new and uncharted territory.

“So I’ll trust you, when I cannot see…"

The same journey the lord had me on when I was support raising, a season of leading me alone with him into the wilderness, further into the desert of my own soul, where he alone can give me peace and rest.

"Yet I will trust in Him..."

There is a necessity to this inner loneliness. Something deeply profound takes place that converts our hearts from trusting in broken cisterns that never satisfy to turning toward and looking to him alone who is worthy. To him alone who longs to satisfy our every need, who longs to give us life everlasting. And a fullness of life right now, here in the midst of these set of circumstances, this set of people, this particular job, this place in which we are living, the specific realties and tensions of which we live in. He longs to give us life. A life stronger than death.

I feel like this inner separation and dependence on the things around me, being completely stripped away from all I longed to cling to in the support raising journey, were vital experiences that God was using not only to deepen my dependence on him in that time, but it was also preparing my heart for this next season. He knew that I needed that inner reliance on Him in order to handle the challenges, joys and ever shifting sands of moving, saying goodbye to four best friends/roommates, entering a new house, finishing support raising, jumping into the craziness of campus ministry in the fall, starting a new relationship, adjusting to a new job/schedule, grieving and accepting, letting go of the changes, all that was lost, all that was gained, coming to terms with a new identity and a new image, being on staff and being in a relationship, getting used to the ways others relate to me now with my new roles, embracing all of these changes, running a million miles an hour, yet desiring just to be still in His presence.

I would not have been able to make it this semester if it were not for the reality of His grace in my life and His daily sustenance and walking with me every step of the way.

There is a tremendous vulnerability required to leave all that was once familiar and step into something new.

The most difficult of which has been being in a relationship. While I enjoyed being with Ben, one of the most challenging parts of dating was realizing how much of my identity had been formed on an image or perception of me being a strong, independent older girl in ministry, who was in love with the Lord and had a slew of community and friends, but did not need a man. Realizing the grieving that had to take place of missing being single revealed how much value I found in the identity and image I had created.

We’ve had a joke that I was more of the “guy” in the relationship in terms of me grieving and missing my singleness and the hard adjustment it was for me to be in a relationship. This was especially confusing because I have always longed for and desired God to provide a relationship and even more than that, a godly man as a life partner. A man to serve, lay down my life for, to cherish, encourage, build up, support, be on team with, do ministry and life together with, a companion and a life partner, someone who together we can continue to love the lord and ask for our lives together to make a stronger impact for the kingdom. These have all been desires for a long time, but the realities of being in a relationship, revealed how much I found incredible value in being single. In raising support as a single woman. In having a ministry as an older girl in the church, as being available to all the girls in the Rock, in having all of my time to devote and give to pouring out my life and empowering women to seek more of God and grow into the fullness of who he created them to be.

So somehow being in a relationship seemed to threaten all of that. But what I found in that was that God was using this relationship with Ben to tear down more of my walls of self-protection, and tear down the fortresses I had built in times of insecurity. He revealed to me that I had placed more trust in those fortress walls than I had in him protecting me, than I did in knowing that God would take care of me. So the more Ben became a part of my life, the more I felt like the lofty fortresses I had spent years constructing and the walls around my heart that had somewhat been demolished over the years, were coming down more and more.

So I have been called further into the wilderness, deeper into the desert and ushered more into His presence as He calls me to have ruthless trust in who He says He is, His character and His unfailing love for me. And for all of this I can say, Amen.

You are faithful.

Everything in our lives is given to allow us to experience the reality of who Jesus is more and the reality of who we are as a result.

This relationship is a gift of His grace. It is a blessing and a gift. Something I do not deserve. Yet, in God bringing Ben into my life, it has just been another reminder of many of his evidences of grace. As He ushers us into this new season of engagement, as we continue to look to Him as our leader and guide and give our relationship over to Him daily, we simply desire for Him to use two broken people like ourselves who are just trying everyday to follow Jesus. To hear his voice and to love Him more, to trust Him more and to from that love, love others. Our engagement and our marriage is a new beginning, yes, but also a continuation, just another step, another place on the journey that God has both of us on individually and together, a journey of continuing down the path to becoming more like Him. This new season of being engaged and preparing to be a wife, is just another stage in the journey. The journey deeper into the heart of God and becoming more like Him. He is faithful.

I feel I have never had to trust God more than the vulnerability and wrestling with the uncertainty of being in this relationship. My heart constantly wanted to go to a place it hasn’t been allowed to go until now. I had to fiercely guard my heart while still holding tightly to the hope and trusting that God knows what He’s doing, even though so many times I just wanted him to reveal the plan to me.

While our hope and desire was that God would lead us to engagement and marriage, Ben and I spent the last four months on a rigorous journey of intense evaluation and processing on whether we are God’s best for one another. This took place in a series of conversations about our visions and values, assessing our compatibility: emotionally, spiritually, physically :)), looking at both of our dreams and where God is taking us, our hearts for ministry, how we handle conflict and fights, how we handle stress, how we handle struggles spiritually, we have experienced a LOT of life together, and there’s been plenty of good things like little adventures to small towns and serving in ministry together, and having fun no matter what we’re doing… yet through it all, while marriage was a HOPE, Ben was strongly convicted that he should not promise anything unless he is putting a ring on my finger. This was a source of MUCH frustration and conflict, as the closer our hearts grew together, the more I wanted to know where he was really at and if this was it. It FELT like it and it SEEMED like it from the peace I had with God about marrying him throughout our entire relationship, how we interacted with one another in good and hard times, and through little glimpses of God providing things within him that were always things I prayed for and hoped the man I’d marry would have…

But I had to trust God for my everything. Ben could not promise or ensure a security that I so desperately wanted. Much to my frustration, this in turn ended up being a blessing because if we had discovered that we were not in fact supposed to be married, while both of us knew it would be a painful decision, we knew we would be able to have peace about looking back at our dating with no regrets, that ultimately we had honored one another and we had honored God and our community. We went about our relationship holding everything “open-handed” and hopeful, but not close-fisted and saying marriage was for sure the outcome.

Even now in engagement, I am grateful for the wrestling God did in my heart especially in the last month with placing my security entirely in Him. Even when we are married, I look to God as my Lord and Savior, my all in all. My security and trust has to still fully be in Him. He has called my heart to ruthless trust, as a single, engaged, married woman, because my identity has not changed, I still have the joy and the blessing of being Abba’s child, wholly and dearly loved. Though He ahs now blessed me with a man who reflects Christ’s heart and character to me daily, these are just glimpses and reminders of His grace and His great love for me.

I will trust in You.

You alone who lead and guide me. You alone who has walked with me every step of the way, I will trust You, for you are worthy to be praised and You are so incredibly faithful. Let my heart beat to praise You...

will you marry me?

WE'RE ENGAGED!!!!!

more pics to come!

- photo by Mallory Thomas Taulbee when Ben popped the question Thursday night at church :)

Your love sets me free

Thank you.

Lord, I feel caught up in your love again. When I cried out today, for Your voice to be the only one I heard above the noise. For Your voice to be the only one, to drown out all the shouts and the whispers and the lies in the face of adversity.

I feel caught up in your arms again. Surrounded, captured, captivated by Your love.
I don’t even know how it happens sometimes. But thank you. For reminding me today of who You are, Lord. And for reminding me today therefore of who I am.

For reminding me that You belong to me and I belong to you. For reminding me that You alone determine my worth. For allowing me to remember that you are my Creator and I am simply a creature, broken, dependent and resting, in your arms. Thank you for coming for me today and giving me rest. For allowing me to experience again what is most real. For allowing me to face the harsh realities but find within them a deeper reality and that is the reality of Your presence, and what you are truly doing in the midst of it all. Thank you for reminding me most importantly that what you desire is my trust, to trust that I am loved.

Thank you.

For I am deeply loved.
Set free by a love unconditional, more freeing and more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

Your love sets me free.
Thank you for the gift of your grace, more precious than words can even begin to convey. My heart is filled with gratitude, my love song for you my King.

Your will above all else, my purpose remains

today was a day of surrender. a process of continuing to turning away and a turning towards. turning away from the circumstances and challenges and tornadoes swirling all around me all that can discourage and overwhelm me, crush me and keep me in a chronic state of self-hatred and anxiety, and a turning toward something greater. turning toward the only one whose voice matters, choosing to believe that voice above all the others, a turning away from the things here and a turning toward to the things up above. a turning towards you... and surrendering my all to you, once again. the one who is called my savior. the one who lovingly calls to me in the wilderness, who hears my cry and who delivers me. the one who created me and has never left my side. the one who rescues and redeems. the one who restores and heals and who says to me the only words I need to hear, "You are loved."

--

EVERLASTING...

Your light will shine when all else fades

NEVER ENDING...

Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

precious!

- Photos by Casey Batezel of Cannon Ingalls and his two sons, Zachary and Brennan.

Why We Must Think Rightly About God, pt. II

“What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” [ A.W. TOZER ]

Written Monday, November 30, 2009:

Today I discovered the source of much of my heartache, the fuel of much of my misery and heightened sense of insecurity as of late was rooted in what I, in the deep of my heart conceived God to be like.

These types of revelations are anything comforting.
But jarring. Alarming.

It’s a startling collision between the worlds of reality and that which I imagine things to be like.
But in the end brought me back to God, as He is in Himself, not the God I’ve created.

Because the God who only gives good things to only take them away is not safe.
Cannot be trusted. Even though my mind says, “I trust you” that very declaration betrays that which is the true condition of the heart grasping for straws and clinging to idols of false security.

The God who allows the rug to be ripped out from underneath me just when trust is given and security is found, is not a God, that I, in my true heart of hearts, can actively trust.

Sometimes it’s all about asking the right questions.
I had a conversation with someone today who pushed me to reach this place. Who pushed deeper within the conflicting tensions in my soul to help me, two hours later, after the conversation had taken place, to get to the heart of the matter.

She asked me a question that brought a deep peace within, it was as if the minute her words translated in my mind and filtered into my soul, they were hitting on something only my heart recognized. Its weight was felt. And I knew God was calling me to explore it further later.

How does our heartfelt image of God stray so far away from what we know in our heads and our minds God to be like? How do these things happen? So quickly? How did it happen in the course of the last month? Where the God we believe in becomes so far removed from the God who truly is? How does it happen? That things we normally didn’t find difficult, to trust God, to know Him and believe Him, to trust that He will take care of you, to trust that no matter what He can be trusted, how all of a sudden did this ruthless trust dissipate?

Many of the answers are found in the questions themselves.
Her question seemed to haunt me as I walked away from that conversation, knowing there was something deeper within my soul that was dying to be revealed.

“That our idea of God correspond as nearly as possible to the true being of God is of immense importance to us. … Only after an ordeal of painful self-probing are we likely to discover what we actually believe about God.” - Tozer

It was a process that was excruciatingly painful this afternoon, but a process where He has once again saved me from myself.

These revelations save us. They are at first embarrassing, yet then bring a startling peace.

I was confronted with how seeds of distrust and times of insecurity and betrayal in my past were once again haunting me. Causing me to live in a chronic state of distrust and craving security where it cannot be found. I came to realize an important lesson that I learned this summer in a time when my car broke down on the highway, a crisis that revealed what I in those moments, actually thought about God.

It brought up every fear, every struggle to trust God, every wound, every time of betrayal and abandonment in my past that I was projecting onto God. I was startled then, as I sat there in my friend’s living room during the crisis, waiting to see if my car was actually a goner, that the true crisis had nothing to do with the car, but what I actually thought about God.

That led me to a searing reexamination of everything I claimed to believe. That night I started reading Knowledge of the Holy, by A.W. Tozer, and the words seemed to leap from the page and grip my heart, that the gravest question before me was what I actually believed about God.

Today, that same crisis took shape, different issues, different type of crisis, one that has been unfolding for weeks, from a series of factors.

Yet getting to the bottom of the issue brought astonishing clarity to my situation and to the God who desires more than anything, my heart and my trust. Not the God I’ve created in my imagination, but God, the true God, as He is in Himself. Holy, powerful, full of all glory. The God who is above all things. The God who was leading me through similar lessons, but different streams. The God who I was reminded of took care of me, even when all I’d feared had happened before, as a traumatic event from a few years ago resurfaced in my mind on Saturday. The God who can be trusted, the God who is faithful. The God who is the giver of all things, the God who does not give only to take away. The God who promises and offers me a security that cannot be shaken. The God who does not wait for me to give all of my heart and all of my trust, only to rip the rug out from underneath me.

Those low views worship a view of God that is not God. They worship an idol, a god of my own fancy, whom I can control, whom I can predict and have figured out. Those views worship an image of God that is created, not what God is actually like. Those views betray the God I know true to exist in my heart, but an image my soul hasn’t been able to embrace because of my fears.

Today an incredible transpiring of events took place. I don’t even know how it all happens sometimes, some things are left to the ways of the mystery of God, the mystery far too complex to be entertained with the elements of reason. Some things just cannot be explained.

But He saved me once again. He rescued me because he delights in me. He brought me back to Himself, soul shaken and spirit crushed, to come to once again know Him as He is in Himself, not as I have imagined Him to be like. These are lessons we will always be coming back to. Our journey is not linear and it is a journey deeper into the heart of God where we He desires to grow us and mature us and to allow us to experience the blessing of living loved. The indescribable joy of living in the Father's affection and sensing His delight as we enter His presence. At the end of it all, I felt more than anything, loved. I felt known. Held and loved. Reminded of who He is, reminded of His power and might. Reminded that He is the God who sees me and knows every inch of every area in my life, the One who holds it all together and the One who holds me.

Amen.

Why We Must Think Rightly About God, pt. I

"O Lord God Almighty, not the God of the philosophers and the wise but the God of the prophets and apostles; and better than all, the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, may I express Thee unblamed?

They that know Thee not may call upon Thee as other than Thou art, and so worship not Thee but a creature of their own fancy; therefore enlighten our minds that we may know Thee as Thou art, so that we may perfectly love Thee and worthily praise Thee.

In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."

-- excerpts from Knowledge of the Holy. Readings and revelations in the last few days, familiar and new lessons, new set of circumstances, same amazing Creator and Father.

"What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.

The history of mankind will probably show that no people has ever risen about its religion, and man’s spiritual history will positively demonstrate that no religion has ever been greater than its idea of God. Worship is pure or base as the worshipper entertains high or low thoughts of God.

For this reason the gravest question before the Church is always God Himself, and the most portentous fact about any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like.

We tend by a secret law of the soul to move toward our mental image of God. This is true not only of the individual Christian, but of the company of Christians that composes the Church.

Always the most revealing thing about the Church is her idea of God, just as her most significant message is what she says about Him or leaves unsaid, for her silence is often more eloquent than her speech. She can never escape the self-disclosure of her witness concerning God.

Were we able to extract from any man a complete answer to the question, “What comes into your mind when you think about God?” we might predict with certainty the spiritual future of that man. Were we able to know exactly what our most influential religious leaders think of God today, we might be able to with some precision to foretell where the Church will stand tomorrow.

Without doubt, the mightiest thought the mind can entertain is the thought of God, and the weightiest word in any language is its word for God. Thought and speech are God’s gifts to creates made in His image; these are intimately associated with Him and impossible apart from Him. It is highly significant that the first word was the Word: “And the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” We may speak because God spoke. In Him word and idea are indivisible.

That our idea of God correspond as nearly as possible to the true being of God is of immense importance to us. Compared with our actual thoughts about Him, our creedal statements are of little consequence. Our real idea of God may life buried under the rubbish of conventional religious notions and may require an intelligent and vigorous search before it is finally unearthed and exposed for what it is. Only after an ordeal of painful self-probing are we likely to discover what we actually believe about God.

A right conception of God is basic not only to systematic theology but to practical Christian living as well. It is to worship what the foundation is to the temple; where it is inadequate or out of the plumb the whole structure must sooner or later collapse. I believe there is scarcely an error in doctrine or a failure in applying Christian ethics that cannot be traced finally to imperfect and ignoble thoughts about God.

It is my opinion that the Christian conception of God is so decadent as to be utterly beneath the dignity of the Most High God and actually to constitute for professed believing something amounting to a moral calamity.

All of the problems of heaven and earth, though they were to confront us together and at once, would be nothing compared with the overwhelming problem of God: That He is; what He is like; and what we as moral beings must do about Him.

The man who comes to a right belief about God is relieved of ten thousand temporal problems…"

- Excerpt from Knowledge of the Holy, A.W. Tozer

true joy

True joy is not based on condition. True joy is not merely a feeling, but a welling deep within from being given something precious and rare, like the still peace after a storm.

"Real joy is sorrow accepted and transformed." -- Hannah Hurnard

peace

You, oh Lord, keep in perfect peace, those who keep their purpose firm and place their trust in You.

isaiah 26:3

lead me back to life in you

"True and substantial wisdom principally consists of two parts, the knowledge of God, and the knowledge of ourselves." - John Calvin

I have come to set you free

Free from the patterns and the mindsets that enslave. I think this is the purpose of revelations, to set us free. and with that freedom comes an indescribable peace and rest.

The Healer comes to set us free from the paths that lead us to destruction. He comes to give us life again in the places that were keeping us trapped on the wheel, like a hamster spinning around endlessly, hoping to get free. He comes and sets us free, he allows the spirit to counsel us and teach us all things, to liberate us from our mental slavery and save us from ourselves.

let go

To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do - to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst - is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed.

{ Frederick Buechner }