california :: a place called home.

I love Pasadena.

So I ran out of steam after writing way more than I thought was in me when I set out to write a post that was going to be mostly pictures. I'll pick up again tomorrow, I'm out of emotional and physical energy which is how I usually am once I've gotten home from the day, I usually don't have anything left to post or re-hash it all. But I must post something.

My city, my new, current and other home, Pasadena. City Hall looked so beautiful tonight. I feel grateful and blessed to get to live in this beautiful place however long or short we're here. Have a good night!

dec. 28 :: a beautiful day

Unfinished post from Sat. Dec. 28. I fell asleep before writing the rest of this as my body was exhausted from a full and busy day. Hopefully I will finish it later ;)

--
Today was just a beautiful day. Refreshing for my heart, body, and soul. I'm finding more and more that even though we've been in Pasadena almost six months, I'm still struggling to find a way to keep up. Life continues to move faster than I'm able to keep up and I find that at the end of the day, despite taking millions of pictures on my camera or phone or experiencing things I was planning to write about or share, I'm all out of physical and emotional energy by the time it's all said and done.

So, for a time being I relieved myself of the pressure to try and document (publicly) the things happening in a day. A lot has been happening. But a lot of it is I'm just simply living and enjoying my life. It's been freeing in many ways to be able to just live in and enjoy the moment and not have to worry about what I'm going to say, what photos I'm going to post here and there, but to just take photos and enjoy the moment whether anyone else sees them or not. I've found that for me, the joy in taking pictures is in exactly that: taking pictures. I'm perfectly content snapping away till my fingers are about to go numb or my battery dies, and savoring the moment by getting to capture and look back on my camera or computer later.

But, I'm coming to a point where I am needing to push myself to try and find new ways to live and share my life in this new season and place. What I did before is no longer working for where I am now. It's been good for me to take a step back as I was able to focus and invest all my energy into being fully here, building relationships, and the start of several new journeys, but there is another part of me that was slowly dying. A part of me that needs to be writing, taking and posting some of the pics that share parts of my new world, a part of me that needs to continue to wrestle with the things that have brought me to take a step back from facebook and instagram much of the last three and a half months, wrestle with the issues, face insecurities and fears.

I'm pushing myself to write/post again because I know it's good for my heart. It's been good to allow my heart time and space and the protection it needed in the midst of our transition and it's also been good to wrestle with the barriers and things that have prevented me from posting and be obedient to the nudges and pushes from my Father about trusting Him with all I cannot control.

So, alas, I am trying again. Sharing the things from time to time that are some of what I'm experiencing out here on this new journey since we moved to California. Even just writing that last sentence it hit me anew how crazy it is that I'm even living in California right now, how crazy it is that we are even here. For as long as I can remember, I dreamed of living in Southern California. Crazy, long, funny story for later on how we ended up here, but every time I leave the house for a walk or am driving through downtown, or walk outside a store and see the gorgeousness all around me I am reminded that okay, THIS is why I feel this was a place that was on my heart for a reason. I feel totally at home here.

There are so many things about Pasadena and about California that feel like are ways God is directly communicating and speaking to me. Little things as well as large that serve as reminders of His presence, faithfulness, and love. Beauty that speaks to my heart in ways He knows would matter to me most; a multitude of things that make me want to enjoy every single moment of our short time here while Ben's in graduate school. I'm not even a student but started a new job a week after the quarter began and if our time here goes as fast as the last 10 weeks, I know the time we're picking up and moving again will be here before we know it.

So I am continuing to do what living with a chronic illness the last three and a half years has forced me to do: take things one day at a time. I'm savoring each and every moment that we have here in Pasadena. Being here for this short season is a blessing, a gift that I do not want to take for granted.

Today was a gift on many levels. I got up with the intention of making it to a thrift store before their early bird special ran out, and Ben ended up joining me...

Like I said, I ended up falling asleep before finishing this, it was two days ago but I have no idea what I was going to say after this, so I'm leaving this post unfinished for now ;) to be continued lol

- unedited photos I took from part of our day

life of the beloved

I ran into a series of things the other day, a series of old emails, photos, things I’d written a while back that were like getting glimpses into another life.

What happened next was entirely unexpected but something only God knew I needed. I was reminded of parts of me I had forgotten. It was incredibly healing and refreshing to get glimpses into another time and season in my life six years where much was changing, my life was in transition, and I was at the beginning of a new journey and season with God. A time much like the one I find myself in now.

One of the things I stumbled upon was something that pierced my heart just as much as it did the first time I read it years ago. A section from one of my favorite books, by one of my favorite authors, Henri Nouwen’s Life of the Beloved.

“…From the moment we claim the truth of being the Beloved, we are faced with the call to become who we are. Becoming the Beloved is the great spiritual journey we have to make.”

If there are was one concept, a few words or phrases that have impacted me the most and come to embody the journey God has had me on the last several years, they would be the journey of discovering and living out of the truth of my identity as the Beloved. Wholly and dearly loved. Abba’s Child.

--

"Dear friend,

Being the Beloved is the origin and the fulfillment of the life of the Spirit. I say this because, as soon as we catch a glimpse of this truth, we are put on a journey in search of the fullness of that truth and we will not rest until we can rest in that truth… From the moment we claim the truth of being the Beloved, we are faced with the call to become who we are. Becoming the Beloved is the great spiritual journey we have to make. Augustine’s words: 'My soul is restless until it rests in you, O God,' capture well this journey. I know that the fact that I am always searching for God, always struggling to discover the fullness of Love, always yearning for the complete truth, tells me that I have already been given a taste of God, of Love and of Truth. I can only look for something that I have, to some degree, already found. How can I search for beauty and truth unless that beauty and truth are already known to me in the depth of my heart? It seems that all of us human beings have deep inner memories of the paradise we have lost. Maybe the word 'innocence' is better than the word 'paradise.' We were innocent before we started feeling guilty; we were in the light before we entered into the darkness; we were at home before we started to search for a home. Deep in the recesses of our minds and hearts there lies hidden the treasure we seek. We know its preciousness, and we know that it holds the gift we most desire: a life stronger than death.”

:: Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved
:: Original photo without words courtesy of Pinterest

Adventures in Pasadena :: Day 118

glimpses of my new world, one day at a time
monday october 28, 2013 {day 118}

:: heritage walk townhomes near north madison and walnut

Moving to Southern California has been one non-stop adventure. We've been here exactly five months as of today and I really don't know how. In some ways it feels like we just got here, in other ways it feels like we have been here for years. So much life, change, and transition has occurred during that short time period, the time and the days keep slipping like sand between my fingers, I keep waiting for time and life to slow down, but I'm finding that perhaps this is also a part of the new normal.

And for that reason, one of the ways I'm going to continue to process and share what I've been seeing, feeling, and experiencing is through pictures. Glimpses of life here in Pasadena one moment, one day at a time. I started collecting all the photos I've taken since we got here in a folder on my computer where each day has it's own folder. I started numbering them, starting with Day 1, Wednesday July 3rd, the day we arrived in Pasadena.

I haven't uploaded all the millions of photos I've taken into their little folders yet, and some days I didn't take any pics, but for the ones I have and the days that have been experiences that were memorable and I'd like to remember and share, I'm going to begin posting peeks from my new world on here.

Starting with one of my favorite places and views here in Pasadena, one just a few steps away from our apartment. When we first moved here, we didn't have a car. So for two months, we walked everywhere and/or relied entirely on public transportation. This little stroll near El Molino Ave quickly became one of my favorites and still is. I walk near these apartments almost every day on my daily walks, I'm always surprised at how this view never gets old and the beauty takes my breath away every time.

First on deck, the beautiful apartments on El Molino Ave right near Fuller! Oh, one more thing. Architecture. Didn't know I was a fan, but I am. I have discovered a love and appreciated I never knew I had for architecture and Pasadena has no shortage of sights and architectural treasures that will take your breath away.

One of the things I love about these and other apartments near these ones is the Spanish-style architecture, old and modern elements. (Just did a little research, the style is called "Spanish Mission" architecture.) We got to see inside the courtyards to some other apartments like these one of the days we went on a Craigslist spree and went to pick up a bed and couch from a girl moving out of one of them and ohmylanta, I wish I'd had my phone or camera with me, it was out of control.

Here's a stroll down the street and around my new neighborhood on two gorgeous Pasadena days, days that were healing and refreshing for me in many ways as I went for a walk and took pics of my this spot I love while processing, Day 75: Sunday Sept. 14, the last day of Invisible Illness Awareness Week, and Day 118: Monday Oct. 28. I'm starting with just the few I took on Day 118, Day 75 will be coming soon!

I just can't get over this view. I'm always taken aback, one of the prettiest parts of our street.

It's also crazy to see this much green this time of year. I took more pics of these flowers my first time around, will be posting those as well soon.

Found an apartment listing for these, here's what they've got to say about them:

"This beautiful Heritage Walk town home is two flights of stairs above street level, so you are far removed from street level for privacy and serenity. This Spanish Mission architecture is Old Pasadena and Theater District adjacent for urban living at its best. This unit boasts many custom upgrades and features including a main bedroom suite and a shared patio off of the formal dining room. There is custom carpeting and hardwood flooring, built-in cabinetry, high ceilings, and spacious laundry room. The kitchen has wood cabinets & stainless steel appliances. Attached tandem garage for two autos and direct access to the entry hall. Heritage Walk is conveniently located between the South Lake shopping district, Paseo Colorado and Old Pasadena. It is walking distance to the Pasadena Playhouse district with Laemmle's Theater and Vromans Bookstore. Entertainment in town is cool with many near by restaurants and theaters."

This might seem normal, but I had to stop and take a picture of these leaves, the MOST fall colored leaves and the most I've ever seen all at one time here in SoCal! There really are no "seasons" here, so seeing leaves change color is a rarity. More trees started browning or turning into reds as November went on, but still this is a rare and beautiful sight. So gorgeous too on these sidewalks. Also whipped out my boots for the first time that day, totally fall all around!

Such a beautiful and refreshing day. Posting more days soon!

He knows that we are dust.

 

i don't know why but those words just brought so much comfort to my heart.
he knows that we are dust.

amen.

a new song [letters to _______, no. 06]

he has put a new song in my heart.
my god who has spoken and who has seen.

the one who whispers to my heart, words he has promised me,
words of what he has done.

"behold, my dear child,
i will restore what the locusts have eaten."

i am fighting for you.
i love you.
i see you.
i know you.
and i am never going to leave you.

i am for you.
i am with you.
i am here.

i will restore you.

and she gave a new name to her god.
"yes, you are my god who sees me,
you have restored what the locusts have eaten.
you are my god who has not forgot.
my god of great faithfulness, mercy, and grace,
my god of unfailing, everlasting love."

be glorified.
for you are my healer.
the one who will never abandon israel even in her long and tireless walk through the desert.

you are my sustainer.

my god whose love touches, heals, restores.
my god who restores what the locusts have eaten.
from out of death comes new life.
life in abundance, more fuller and richer than ever before.

i sing a new song to my king.
our god has not forgot.
________, he has not forgotten us.
we are seen. we are known. we are held.

held by a power greater than anything on this earth.
held by the hands of the one who holds it all, holds us together.
our god whose love never fails.

there will be pain in the night.
but His joy comes in the morning.

he will restore you [letters to _______, no. 05]

"I will restore what the locusts have eaten."

Dear ________,

It's been a busy day. I have so much I have to tell you. I am blown away yet again at the countless ways our God sees and knows our hearts, our every need, how He longs to provide.

He has done that in ways in which only He can.

Encouraged and restored and lifted my heart in ways that only He knew would speak to me the most. I am amazed. He heals the brokenhearted. He saves those who are crushed in spirit and I can tell you last night I was in the pit of despair. The most heartbroken, disillusioned, and crushed I have felt in a long time.

But, I have to tell you something. Before I even get to tell you more about the last 24 hours, I've been wanting to write all day but it's bee a busy day and I'm finally getting a chance to sit at my computer for more than a few seconds and I've got a busy day ahead of me tomorrow so I'll have to share more later, but these words all day have been on my heart:

These eight words that encompass more than I can find words to express right now, words that speak to that which He has been doing the last three to four weeks and really since we moved out here, through now and what He will continue to do. This God who plots for our joy. Who does not bring us a cup of suffering without also bringing with it an offering and over-abundance of joy. Life as we've never seen nor lived it before, life in the fullness of Him whether in the eye of the storm or in times of supposed safety. He is there and He is plotting for YOUR joy.

I realized I need to start talking.

Something happened within me today when I realized, as the fog and the heaviness began to lift and I slowly felt like I wasn't walking through a daze anymore that has shrouded the last few days, it was as if the breakthrough happened instanesouly, and suddenly my eyes were opened.

I had these words enter my mind as the breakthrough began to happen. It was when I realized I have been silenced by my Enemy. The One who does not want this or the story God is telling through the various circumstances and experiences God is bringing me through right now.

I made a promise. I made a vow.

No longer. No longer, not one more day am I going to allow the Enemy to STEAL how the Lord has restored what the locusts have eaten.

Not one more day, will I let him silence me. Keep me from sharing the wonders of your love, who you are, and how you fight for your children.

We are never out of your sight.
There are no lengths to which you won't go to have us.
When one of us is lost, you stop everything, abandon the 99 to find the 1.
We're that important to you.

We matter.
You see your precious children.
You fight for them all day long.
You love them more than they could ever imagine.
And you've given up everything for them. Just to be with them.

In hopes, in desires that we would just simple turn, simply look to You, walk with and trust You.

You who is our Hope.
You who is our Strength.

You who is our everything.
Jehovah Jireh.
Our God is a God who provides.

You love us.
You love me.

You have seen and heard of my misery.
You lifted me from the pit of despair.

And reminded me, restored me, encouraged me, and healed me. Reminded me of who You are and who I am as a result.

I am deeply and dearly loved.
You love me more than I could ever imagine.
And your joy comes in the morning.

His joy may not come right away. It may not come the next morning. Or the next day, or the next.

But, hold on. Take heart. For your victory is coming.

God is plotting for your joy.
His joy comes in the morning.

He has not forgotten us, dear friend.
He is especially, especially near.

And there is so much more to this battle, so much more going on than you and others can even now yet see.

Hold on, I promise you, there is more.
Our suffering is NOT in vain.

He is my peace. He comforts me with songs of joy.
I don't have words to explain all that has happened, all that I do know is that He can heal and restore even our deepest of heartaches, but the times of despair, the times of devastation, frustration, disppointment after disappointment are not bad.

In fact, admitting them is necessary. For we cannot move on until we do. We can't gloss over those feelings in hopes of them just going away. As one of my favorite authors says, there is a cry of the soul that demands to be heard.

This is what my letters are to you. My raw, unedited cries of the soul. Cries of the soul that demand expression, that need a place, and a home.

Our feelings at any given moment aren't threatening to Him.
He knows that working through, admitting and acknowledging them is the first step.

We must bring our full selves to Him. The parts that hurt as well as the parts that rejoice.

There are going to be nights like last night where it feels like it there will never be light again. The times the darkness is so real and so heavy you can't see past or believe there will be dawn.

But then there are also going to be times when joy truly does come in the morning. When He heals us in ways only He can.

God is plotting for your joy. For you and for me.
I promise, it will get better.

The darkness will, when we least expect it, again turn to dawn.

letters to _______, no. 04

Dear _________,

Do you ever feel like life is passing you by? That everyone else is getting to live and do the things you wish you could?

Me too.

letters to _______, no. 03

Dear _________,

Do you ever feel so alone you feel invisible? I don't understand why you and I have to suffer. I don't understand why there are millions of people in this world, many people in my life, and as the prayer requests went around at my women's small group the other night, many people in each of lives living with physical ailments.

I don't understand why there has to be pain. Disease. Sickness and death in this world.

It's something I know theologically and in my head, but an issue I struggle to reconcile with all that is within my heart.

I don't know why you and I have to suffer. Why we have to live with ongoing health conditions that despite our ever living hour and fight to place this thing in its cage and not let it rule or control our lives, its burden is like hiking uphill with lead in our boots and bowling balls in our backpacks.

Our lives and our bodies breaking beneath its weight.

I wish I could take your pain away. And you mine. I wish prayers and the advancement of medicine, and the love and support of friends and people who long to see us made well could make it all better, take our suffering away.

I dream of waking up and everything being normal. I found myself waking up to that dream even yet again just this evening. A dream that came crashing down as I reconginzed that first piercing pain in my legs.

Reminding me this is far from over, I am not yet home.

Tonight, I'm praying for you and for me. For though we feel invisible, helpless and utterly alone at times, our suffering and our pain is not invisible to God. He sees and knows and grieves with us. Even though just writing that last sentence I am reminded of a question that resurfaced Thursday in some of the greatest physical pain I've been in in a long time. If He can do something, why won't He. Why hasn't He. If He can take it away, why hasn't He yet.

These were questions I wasn't even entirely sure I wanted answers to, yet questions that surfaced and just needed to be admitted for what they were. Cries from a heart that is broken, a pain emanating from a place deep within.

A place that knows in her heart as well as her head that she is loved, that she has done nothing to deserve this, yet a place that still wonders even still, but am I, but what have I done to deserve this.

I don't know why you and I have to suffer.

I don't know why life as we knew it got ripped out from underneath us like this, I don't understand or know why it has to be like this.

But as much as I don't want to say this, I know it will all make sense one day.
Hold on.

And don't be afraid to ask the questions on your heart.
For they are there for a reason and often the questions themselves become the answers we're longing for. Oftentimes, those questions begin to be the very thing that lifts, heals our broken hearts.

Hold on.

Our victory, our help, our relief is coming.
One day, one question, one heartbreak, one victory at a time.

letters to _______, no. 02

{the pain we hold inside}

Dear _______,

Do you ever fear that people don't believe you? I'm not just talking doctors, I mean friends, family, co-workers, people around you?

Making new friends, I find I want to keep this buried down within like a secret.

I don't want to let it out for fear of how it will be received.

After the other night when it came spilling out, I found myself facing that as I was talking with girls after small group. The dynamics changed, some of them seemed to be looking at me differently.

I had to wrestle with this very real reality in the coming days: I fear they don't believe me. Which later became, what if they don't.

It's crazy meeting me now at this time and stage of the game. If you didn't know me before, my life and my capacity looks normal. Even to people who did know me before, my life looks back to normal.

Am I being fake, am I wanting/trying to fool people? No, I'm just trying to live my life. Make the most and the best out of everyday I'm given.

I live till it hurts.

There is no amount of physical activity, big or small that doesn't cost.

But, what's the alternative.

I'm going to be tired and in pain if I sit at home all day just as I am if I choose to go out with friends.

It's going to cost me physically, but fill me up emotionally and spiritually.

Living with a chronic illness, especially one that has not been probably properly diagnosed brings a level of shame and scrutiny far too much for any one person to bear. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

But then again, we all know there are days when we do. Days when we wish others knew the hell we were daily living in. The hell in which we have had to make and look functionable, when it feels like everyone else just gets to live their life. Free of this battle, free from these chains and the myriad of ways this thing rears its ugly head into every nook and cranny of our everyday lives and very existence.

Life's not fair.

Somehow that's strangely comforting as it is disparaging. We wish it was. If it was, we wouldn't hurt so bad.

It hurts when you realize others may not only not believe you, but think you're being a baby/just not able to handle or tolerate pain.

The world of chronic pain is a world I wish nobody had to live in. It's a harsh, cruel place. One that affects not only those afflicted with the pain personally, but those closest in its midst, in its wake. The caregivers in the forms of husbands, spouses, family members, close friends.

It's something that colors everything it touches.

And you find yourself wondering, longing for what normal even was or felt like.
Something that only feels like a dream. 

letters to _______, no. 01

I never thought I'd be a person with a chronic illness. Yet here I am. The term "chronic" illness is one that seemed somewhat of an oxy moron to me before. It baffles logic and begets ridicule.

Don't you just somehow get better? Eventually? Sometime?

How can you really be "chronically" ill?

Living with the daily challenges of a chronic illness is a world I wish I never had to live in. It's one of those things you hear about and can somewhat imagine, but one that can't be fully understood till you're living there.

I wish I wasn't sick. I have been laying in bed most of the afternoon, my body is completely deplete of iron as my supplements from my pharmacy in Missouri have run out and I've been trying to find something remotely close here in California but because of how even something as small as an iron supplement, the wrong mix of this and that can interact with all of my other medications, I just gave up looking. Now I've been paying for it. Ben didn't even know till last night when I brought him something at the library. I've been more and more tired and low on energy the last few days. Today, I couldn't wait to get home from church and lunch with friends just to sleep.

The only thing that got me out of bed a bit ago was needing to go to the bathroom and then after I tried laying back down, the all too familiar most often reason why I have to get out of bed mid-sleep got me again, I needed to take my meds.

It's almost like this game I like to play with myself. It had been more than 8 hours since my last dose (I'm supposed to take my regular meds three times a day or roughly every 4 hours), and as I was becoming more and more conscious and awake, I could feel all the things my body knew but my brain wasn't attuned to while I was sleeping.

I could feel the pins and needles in my legs. I could feel the tiny pricks of burning sensations grow stronger and stronger in my arms and legs, like getting pricked and poked with a sharp needle over and over again, but feeling like its coming from internally. I could feel the muscle spasms. The tightness in all of my muscles that I knew would only get worse the longer I lay there trying to act like it wasn't that bad. Can I make it till morning? What if I just don't take anything, if I'm laying down, won't it be okay.

Life and each day is filled with a million of these questions. I am exhausted. Exhausted from this battle and this journey, I'm more than ready for this nightmare to be over, yet we're only at the beginning of another long stretch of several new treatment plans, new doctors, new dentists, new hopes, new possible solutions, new disappointments, heartaches, dreams.

I never thought I could be sick this long. Living in this alternate-reality that looks normal from the outside, but everything is far from it. I never knew it was possible to live like this, with pain, physical challenges, and symptoms being a part of my everyday daily existence. Life is a blur of activity, meetings, work, relationships, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, crafting, groups, meeting people, managing my illness, and over again, repeat.

I long for a day it almost hurts to much to hope for.

A day when my body is completely healed and restored.
A day when I will suffer no more.

speechless. humbled. and amazed.

I. have. no. words.

Take advantage of this rare and precious moments, folks, because for a girl who can talk a mile a minute till next Tuesday, this gem is one to be appreciated.

I have no words. I am simply in awe. Amazed by my God.

I feel energized and alive like never before.

I don't have to words to describe all that I am feeling right now and all that is happening within my heart. I feel like my head and my heart are gonna explode. And I'm so excited. I have been on cloud nine, giddy like a school girl since I left the office this morning of a job that I am still humbled by all the ways and things God orchestrated. The Lord is doing so much. I am blown away and grateful and simply in awe of Him.

His love never fails.

a grateful heart

Today, I am feeling excited, energized, enthusiastic, alive, valued, seen, known, treasured, loved. Encouraged, determined, grateful, full of hope and peace. Thankful for the God who gives and takes away. Is the Healer and Restorer of all things. Jesus, thank you for your grace and tender mercies. The way you love and take care of your children. The way you never leave their side.

-- it is well --

he refreshes, he restores my soul {psalm 23}

- one of the photos i took during my first time seeing the pacific ocean a few weeks ago, fell absolutely in love. going to be beach is a religious experience. felt baptized by the water. surrounded and reminded of how beautiful and big is our god.

He has restored me.

I feel rested. I feel renewed. I feel restored, healed, made whole. I do not understand all the ways the Lord provides, all the ways in which He truly meets His children wherever they're at, comforts them, lets them be angry and throw a fit when they need to and love them all the same, but He does. He isn't afraid of my anger, frustration, questioning, disappointment in Him, He longs for me to just come to Him, with my hurting and broken heart, just as I am. I still find it odd and strangely puzzling, yet so totally God that the feelings and things we're often most afraid to voice, admit and bring to Him, are often the very vehicle that leads us to the pathway of healing and peace. "Our wounds have to be shared to be healed," He sees and knows our broken hearts. He longs for us to quit trying to be strong, act like we have it all together, constantly profess unbroken faith and hope in Him and simply admit when we are weary. He has restored me. In more ways than one. "Yes, You are my God of great faithfulness, my Jehovah Jireh, my God of unfailing, everlasting love." Father, Jesus, I thank you. Thank you for saving a wretch like me. Again and again and again. I don't know where I'd be without your grace.

-- our wounds have to be shared to be healed --

Ironically enough, getting out of the feelings, all the yuck and hard within my heart that I can sometimes feel ashamed to feel, or ashamed to let others see, doing so led to being healed. I was reminded of this as I was chatting with Ben and realized I already felt lighter. I already felt this heaviness and weight lifted, and again as I was washing dishes and doing a few other things and being able to engage with the world again, feel like myself again, the smolten anger no longer burning like a raging fire within. I realized in that, something I deeply value and believe, but somehow had forgotten. How important it is to acknowledge and deal with all we are feeling, how the feelings we're afraid will overcome us if we let ourselves feel them fully, are the very vehicle that leads to our souls being free, of us moving past those emotions to where we can come to a new place and encounter god in the midst. While I do process and acknowledge my emotions alone and with my husband and friends, there was something about me posting it more publicly that I needed to do. I don't know why and I can't explain it. Part of me facing and choosing to no longer let these fears and insecurities control me. I found that as I shared, as I acknowledged and typed out all I feel I couldn't share, in the process, I was healed, restored, made whole again. My heart is still tender, my emotions still raw, yet He is healing and has healed me. "Our wounds [truly do] need to be shared to be healed."

how long, o lord

this is how i feel right now. i feel tricked, i feel betrayed, i feel disillusioned, angry, and depressed. i don't understand. for the life of me i cannot understand. it feels so unfair. i just want out of this nightmare. i want to wake up and have this all be over. i'm damned if i do, damned if i don't. i don't care anymore. i don't know why i even try. people can't understand. or why i don't write on here or email or post health updates anymore, people are going to misunderstand you anyway, so what does it even matter. i don't care anymore. i'm just going to let it out. i can't believe where i was two weeks ago. the darkest and most devastating setback physically we've endured in years. it catapulted me into what it was like the first six months to a year i was sick. then breakthroughs. recoveries, victories. the week after that was a different story. then this week. all up until yesterday was fine. all up until yesterday afternoon. i just don't understand. i don't want to be in this anymore. get me out of this hellhole. i would give anything to wake up and have a normal life again like everybody else. my heart can't take it anymore. i'm tired of it. my patience and hope has worn thin.

yesterday was the first time i felt it. the morning treatments had me in good spirits. i felt like i could see light at the end of the tunnel. i still knew it was going to be a long however more month, year process, but that quickly evaporated by the afternoon. for the first time i realized something i have felt/fear/entertained from time to time but a reality that became far too real as i sat there again in the dentist chair with a millions eyes looking at me. there may never be an end to this.


i feel wounded, i feel hurt, i feel defeated, i feel crushed, i feel disappointed, i feel discouraged, i feel disillusioned, i feel furious, i feel vengeful, hateful, humiliated, betrayed, disgusted, offended, infantialized, controlled, vulnerable, bewildered, and trapped.

and i usually don't write on here, but i don't care anymore. people don't get it or understand anyway so what's the harm in being even more judged, looked down upon, dismissed, and misunderstood. i say people, but that doesn't mean everyone. i have a handful of friends who are supportive and do get it and understand. but all of us know no one can really fully know and understand what we are going through unless they are going through it. no one who really knows, gets it and sees like god. this isn't just our situation, this is everyone. all of us have hard and painful things in our lives that bring about this loneliness because it is a road only we full know and understand. this is my friends, this is my family, my acquaintences, the people i envy. i know none of us on this earth feel completely understood in all our circumstances.

sidenote, but that just needed to be said. continuing where i was going.

up until now, god has given me patience. but that patience wore thin at my third appointment at USC dental, a four hour long mind-numbing session with a student dentist i'm switching from and going to go with the guy i worked with yesterday, then things were okay, but now i've lost it again. i found myself as i came back to our apartment, already fragile when i was out there trying to have a conversation with them,

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okay, so i got interrupted. ironically, after writing all of this, i am feeling better. maybe i should give this blogging thing a try again. i came back to my old blog because i realized i needed something familiar. so much is changing, new and different in my life right now and my heart needed a familar place where it could be raw, real, unedited, come undone.

maybe i will blog again, maybe it is good for my heart. so much of what has held me back from posting on here or my other blog or health updates in emails or facebook save the handful of friends i email regularly with health updates/prayer requests and other things in the midst of our transition, is my fear of what people will think of me. this sound juvenile, but we all know it isn't. i want to be free. i want to stop caring about what people may or may not be thinking of me. being in a situation with living with an undiagnosed illness only heightens this insecurity. it brings a level of shame i cannot describe.

a level of shame i was painfully reminded of yesterday as i was met by stares and silence when i was grilled on why i was on all this medication, as if i want to be taking all this prescription medication at my age, and when they asked what the diagnosis was, what the test results said, and i had to say, every test has come back "normal," have you seen a neurologist, have you seen a this, that, the other, yes yes yes, i told them. and what did they say? what have they been able to figure out, and i had to hold it together even though i was seconds away from tears and tell them, they haven't been able to figure out what is wrong yet. then i nearly lost it when i was grilled on dental work in the past. as if i want to be here.

as if i enjoy going to the dentist all the time. i just want my life back i told them. i don't want to be here and have to have all these procedures done all the time, we just want to fix everything as fast as we can, we don't know what got us here, but we are fighting and want to get it all done. i'll probably regret posting this later. i'll probably do what i always do and take it down, make it private. but for now, i'm letting it out. i'm choosing to not be shackled by my fear of others' opinions of me. i am choosing to do what is good for the sake of my heart, wherever I'm at, regardless of my fears of what may or may not happen. i just want to be free.

news for my blog peeps!

Hello friends!

So, I've kinda abandoned this lil ole blog here. For the last year or so, Twitter has replaced my need for blogging, as I can get out and process things in short little tidbits that satisfy the external processor in me, and then recently, since entering the smartphone age in February, Instagram has become my new and most favorite current form of blogging. I can process my life in pictures and words in short and sometimes long tidbits and slices of my day from the ease of my phone. I love it.

But, I've been wanting to start a NEW blog about my upcoming adventures and as my hubby and I are entering a new season of life. I haven't had a chance to make it yet, or figure out if I'm going to use this one for that yet, but I was planning on catching up on blogging/starting my new blog when we get out there, when life will finally slow down for me, but after the last post that I'd originally posted on fb before getting a request for me to move it to my blog (oh, the joys with living with three very private people lol,) I realized I hadn't updated those of you I know through just on here, it feels surreal and real all at the same time, but in just two and a half weeks, my husband and I are moving to California, he was recently accepted to Fuller Theological Seminary!!!

We're in the midst of round 2 of goodbyes, as the last few weeks of school we had goodbyes with our students from the campus church I work for that would be leaving for the summer in May, and now we're in our last three weeks here in Columbia, saying goodbye to people and places we love! There are so many mixed emotions, I plan to write more about it here or on the new blog, but we could not be more excited for the opportunity to move into this new season and all this move and him getting into Fuller means and represents to us!

.:blessings:.

{blessings, gifts of his grace} If you would have told me that moving back into my parent's house for the first time in 11 years was going to be like this, I wouldn't have believed you. We've only been here a week and a half, but it has seriously been amazing.

My brother is also living at home temporarily right now too and a few weeks ago graciously offered to move from his mini apartment downstairs to his old bedroom upstairs so Ben and I could live in the basement for a month. I have never been more grateful for my parent's home, their and my brother's generosity.

It is such a blessing being able to have a home in the midst of our transition, a place to lay our heads, put all our stuff as we continue to sort out what's staying, what we want to get rid of, and what we want to take to California. It's also been a gift and a blessing getting time with family before we leave.

This morning my heart has been struck by how good and faithful the Lord is and how He provides. And how He, to steal words from one of my faves, Dan Allender, "surprises us with His gracious love, no matter what our circumstances."

:: photo by tec petaja photography