.:: songs rich with promise, treasures hidden in the darkness and more precious streams in the desert; treasures that have been like water to my soul... here are my songs of deliverance, my songs of peace ::.
They cried to the Lord in their trouble and he delivered them from their distress.
[psalm 107:6]
The Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing I lack... I have everything I need. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside still waters; He restores my soul.
:: psalm 23:1-3
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth, you will again bring me up.
You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.
[psalm 71:20-21]
I called out to the Lord and he answered me. He has heard my prayers.
:: psalm 3:4
Look to the Lord and his strength, seek his face always.
[psalm 105:4]
The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.
:: psalm 147:11
I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry...
Blessed are those who make the Lord their trust.
[psalm 40:14]
How priceless is your unfailing love, For with you is the fountain of life; for in your light we see light.
:: psalm 36:7-9
In your unfailing love, you will lead the people you have redeemed, in your strength, you will guide them.
[exodus 15:13]
He sent out his word and healed them.
:: psalm 107:20
He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains.
Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love.
[psalm 107:14-15]
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.
"Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name..."
Deliver me... out of the sadness Deliver me..... from all the madness Deliver me......... courage to guide me Deliver me.......... Your strength inside me
I know that You're the One to pull me through
Deliver me... this cross that I'm bearing
Oh, Deliver me Deliver me
Come and pull me through...
[ "Deliver Me" by David Crowder, song posted below ]
CRAZY HOW JUST ONE PHONE CALL can totally change the course of your day even as hard as you fight to not let it affect you. It was three phone calls to be exact. Each one I fought and I pleaded and I asked for a ton of options, only to no avail.
I think helpless and NOT in control are two ways I'd describe it.
After the second time I called trying to clear up a discrepancy for why I am not on the books for an appointment to see the internal medicine doctor we are now planning on seeing, I just said to myself, as I was waiting for her to call me back to check on the questions I asked her, where there is a will, there's a way.
We WILL get an appointment. Whatever it takes.
Basically, with the last of my test results and my condition worsening in the last week to two weeks, we have felt confident that it's time to close the door on neurology. Several doctors my mom works with and we have felt that the reigning opinion that something that started off neurological could now, after eight months evolved into something else.
But, with my condition changing so quickly and trying to adjust again to learning my capacity day to day, what my body can and cannot do, there is again, a heightened sense of urgency for being seen, since right now the only thing that has worked to get my body back in a stable condition that last week and a half has been being mostly home bound again, the less I move, the less I drive or am on my feet, the better.
But, this is obviously not a long-term solution, and it just seems time and time again, no matter HOW hard I try not to put my hope in an appointment or this highly esteemed doctor or this one, I am still always crushed when things like this happen.
Even as I told Ben, I told him I wasn't upset and didn't want to go back down the road of discouragement, I was having a good day. You know the days when you're feeling good and encouraging and having a good day, you just don't want anything to ruin it. Yesterday and today both have been really encouraging, then for whatever reason, it can all change in a moment.
I realized I was denying my feelings when I told Ben, not because I didn't want to be honest with him, but I was trying to protect MYSELF. I didn't want to go there. So I held onto the last little shred of control and said, we will get an appointment.
There was a lack of communication somewhere along the way, basically when things got worse last week, I called my mom to let her know the new direction we're thinking of heading in, as she works as a researcher for the University's department of internal medicine and works with several doctors.
She had been suggesting a lot lately that going back the internal medicine route, as we had originally set out in the beginning, could be helpful because internal medicine will give us a more holistic look at what is going on with my body since my symptoms are all over the map and no longer strictly neurological. We had been transferred to the neurology clinic in March once those symptoms grew worse after seeing internal medicine doctors in the beginning...
She and several of her fellow doctors believe it could now be something auto-immune or various other diseases where something is attacking my nervous and now muscular system, yet we do not know where the problem is originating, and that something can be attacking it, but the nerves still show up as “normal” as they have been in the tests.
After a frustrating and draining and emotional few days last week, I finally felt peace again and finally felt we at least had the next step in the “plan.”
I think that word is funny really. I want to say there is a “plan,” but plans fail. And are always changing. It is inevitable. I had to let go of finding any security in a “plan” long ago. This beast marches to its own beat, anytime we make a “plan” it seems to have a mind of its own and do as it wishes. But it is totally natural to feel better with a plan. This is part of how we are wired.
But I realized as I sat there after Ben left about an hour ago, that I WAS sad. I WAS disappointed... I WAS discouraged.
God, where do we go from here?
Now there is no longer a plan, or even a mere semblance of one. I have nothing to report to people. Once again, we are told to wait.
Basically, we asked my mom who was the best internal medicine doctor in the department and if she could get us an appointment with them. She called back a bit later that day and said *Dr. Kramer I'll call him, (not his real name), is one of the best in the state and in Columbia, he can meet with me next Wednesday, his office should be calling to schedule the appointment.
Great! I thought. But I didn't hear from them last week and didn't really worry about it and honestly didn't feel like dealing with it come Thursday and Friday. Then I call today to confirm the time, I'm not scheduled. I'm not on the books.
He's all booked up till January. Only his residents will be in clinic tomorrow, he won't even be here.
I explain to the receptionist that my mom works with him, he said he could meet, they were supposed to contact me with an appointment time... etc.
Nothing. I ask all the questions I know now to ask, could he overbook me, could I go wherever he is on call, can I get on a waiting list in case someone cancels, can you let me know what days he is attending (and just go to the hospital), and on and on. She hadn't gotten some of those questions before so said she would call me back.
That was the second phone call. In the first one, the lady saw I wasn't' scheduled, but asked if there was anyone else I would want to see, we go through three of the doctors or residents I saw in the beginning, *Dr. Smith is now at a different clinic (she was the best, my mom got us in with her when this all started, but because she is so good, she was elected to start a new clinic outside of Columbia but within the University system.) She was the first person who really listened to me and cared about figuring out how to get me felling better. Same with the residents we saw, they were all amazing. But since my symptoms became more neurological, they suggested the move, even though we had a great experience with them.
So the receptionist said, the other two residents I had seen before wouldn't be back in rotation till December, as they are now on their rural rotation. Great.
Are you wanting an appointment this week or next.
This week. Yes, by the end of the week. And I explain again the symptoms I'm experiencing and convey a sense of urgency.
Do you mind seeing someone else? I can get you in with *Dr. Moore today at 3:15, he is a resident for *Dr. Cole. Sure, I said. Planning to call my mom and see what she knows about Dr. Moore and then cancel the appointment if he's not good.
Well, at least I got something. I call mom, no, you don't want to see him. It's just going to be like in the beginning when we bounced around from doctor to doctor, but since it is a resident clinic, oftentimes we would only see their residents and not even the attending doctor.
Unfortunately, just getting an appointment with ANYONE is not enough. There are different good doctors and definitely bad doctors. The first few primary care people we saw were HORRIBLE. Just any doctor will not do, we didn't want to waste more time with re-telling the story to doctors who aren't good and/or see mostly residents, especially at this stage in the game.
So I called back and canceled and that's when I made a few more pleas and told them why I needed to get in with *Dr. Kramer... well unfortunately, because he is so popular, he can't even take new patients till after the new year, I can go ahead and set you up for then. I'm really sorry I'm not able to help more.
I try to be nice and understanding to the lady but tell her we can't wait till then, that I would talk to my mom and see if there are others she'd recommend and then call and try to schedule something.
Then I come and tell Ben. He had just woken up from a nap and I was getting off the phone with a close friend and he asked if I had talked to the clinic about the appointment.
Well, I start... then tell him. I could see the disappointment written all over his face. He wasn't mad at me, he was just frustrated, as I am, that EVERYTHING has to be so difficult. I mean, REALLY!?
Then I call my mom to see if *Dr. Kramer wrote back, (earlier when I talked to her she said she'd email him to remind him, he may have forgotten to have his nurse get me on the books). And then I told her about the residents only being there tomorrow and that I felt like I couldn't get anywhere with the secretaries on the phone because YES it is TRUE that he is booked till January, but only he has the power to overbook me.
This has been the only way we've gotten in to see many doctors, someone somewhere pulls a favor. And since he knows my mom and has worked with her for years, he was willing to overbook himself and make an exception and see me. But somewhere along the way, between his busyness or maybe his nurse's, the appointment never made it to the books, even though there was a verbal agreement made to my mom.
SO frustrating. I think that is what really got me. I was reading psalm 71 today, after all of this and trying to still, settle my soul again and have my mind renewed. Re-center. Re-group. I wasn't too excited about reading it to be honest and then these words hit me:
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.
:: psalm 71:20
Everything within me cried, YES. That is what I am feeling. That is where I am at.
It was as if, in my 20 minutes of slowly coming out of denial and allowing myself to feel those hard emotions I just wanted to stuff down or rationalize away, that God led me to that passage, to that verse just in the time I needed it. I was planning on reading a few chapters earlier in the day, and so the timing and not reading it until this afternoon was certainly not coincidence.
It was as if God was showing me, telling me, it is OKAY to feel this, I care about your HEART, I want to go there with you...
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again...
I broke into tears. How long will the grief persist. I began to think about the troubles we've seen and the troubles many of our beloved friends are facing. The circumstances and the seasons of grief that we know we are not alone in.
Why, Lord? Is a question I always come back to. Why do they have to suffer? Or our other friends? Or that woman? Or that guy? Why?
In those moments, everything I've read about God's purposes in suffering and God's provision in suffering fade away and I cannot answer the question sometimes.
But I don't HAVE to know why.
All I DO know is that God is with us and is with them, loving us and loving them, through it all. Giving strength for the next moment and just enough grace to take the next step.
Yet you will restore our lives again, from the depths, you will again bring us up.
You know it is funny how after reading those chapters, I just had to do the next thing. One moment has no bearing on the next, and while I had been having a good day and felt encouraged, now was an entirely different story.
I decided to wash dishes and turned on one of my favorite songs I recently remembered, David Crowder's, “Deliver Me.”
As it has been on repeat the last hour or so, as I was processing and listening to those words as I was washing dishes by hand just because I knew it would be relaxing for me and finishing a couple loads of laundry, then I had to lay down to ice my neck and rest my muscles and was reminded of a verse I've been chewing on since counseling yesterday.
As we were discussing the stages of grief and how difficult this last adjustment with my health has been in the last week and how I spent many days last week crying out to God, and crying out for Him to lead us to doctors that can help, doctors that can be our advocate, when I felt I was getting door after door slammed in my face.
Psalm 142 depicts someone who can relate.
David starts out talking to God, words I can resonate deeply with,
“I cry aloud to the Lord, I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy... I pour out before him my complaint, before him I tell my trouble.”
And then she talked about how in trials, when we are crying out to God with everything in us and feeling, so much how I felt last week, that no one could hear my cries for help or none of the doctors are showing even a hint of concern for me, they are just basing everything on what they see in the records or the test results.
I am not a number on a blood test. I am not a result, I am a person who is sick and who is hurting. Who has not been able to function as I'm used to for the last eight months. Just because all the tests are “normal” doesn't mean it is. I'm getting worse, God, who will you send to come to our aide.... and on and on it went.
Interestingly enough, David faced the same thing!
Just a few verses later he says to the Lord, so similar to the things I talked with God about last week and once again today,
“Look and see there is no one at my right hand, No one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge. No one cares for my life!”
Then he acknowledges, as I did, that I knew that wasn't TRUE, even though that was how it FELT. I knew God was and is my refuge, I knew that He has graciously provided a strong support systems of my friends, family and church community, I knew people did care for me, I felt all alone with the doctors though.
So he, as I did, changes the tune a bit.
“I cry to you Lord, I say: You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.”
Like David, I thanked God, for all that He is and all He has done and is doing. I acknowledged that yes, Lord, you are ENOUGH.
I don't know what is going to happen but I know you are all I need, I know you will pull me through.
Then we come to a phrase I don't think I've ever seen before, one that caught her by surprise to as she was reading this psalm yesterday morning...
David ends by saying,
“Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name...”
Another version says,
“Set my soul free from this prison, that I may worship you...”
:: psalm 142:7
Wow.
And that word “prison” really jumped out at her. But as she was thinking more about it, she began to identify what David was crying out here about... about how there are different prisons we all find ourselves in at different times.
Sometimes it is the prison of control.
Or the prison of fear.
Or the prison of physical ailment.
Or the prison of pain and suffering...
Or for me today, as I was washing dishes and listening to this song over and over, the words, deliver me, were the cry of my heart.
Lord, DELIVER me, from this prison of grief.
It is like sometimes we get to escape it, but it is this undercurrent that is always there. Sometimes lighter or heavier. Some days and moments there is relief, or as my friend described it today, in a pressure-filled season of grief, sometimes there are little punctures here and there, that bring relief. The pressure or the weight is not lifted, but there is a little, ahhh, moment, where something or someone or something happening brings relief.
I wanted out. Today, I said Lord, deliver me from this prison of grief. I don't want to be here anymore. Even though it is not like I am always “grieving,” I still feel the prison walls closing in on us, any time we get a no on an appointment or leave with more questions, less answers, I feel trapped. Helpless. Stuck. Not in control.
Like today, there was nothing I could do to change things. And it brought up all the intense and hard emotions we both have been experiencing back to the surface again.
Deliver me, became my cry out to God today and my prayer.
So, there are many different prisons, those circumstances or situations we can't just get out of. They have been the journey we have been called to walk even though some days, many days, we're walking with a limp. Bloodied and beaten from the ruthlessness and unrelenting terrain of the path. Wondering when things would ever be easier, “normal” again, yet continuing to walk hand in hand with the One we know loves and cares for us in this moment, in this present brokenness, in these prisons.
David cries out to God, as I am, saying, Lord, deliver me...
Set me FREE from this prison... that I may praise your name...
Set my soul free... that I may worship YOU.
I think this looks different depending on the day. Where I was at when I was pondering and started writing a post about that verse is different from where I'm at today.
Today, my cries for deliverance and my soul being set free, is my worship.
My choice to say, even though it feels like all is lost, I will trust in You.
Even when I feel like there is no way and I cannot SEE the way, I am choosing to believe You know the way and You will continue to lead and guide us.
Choosing to believe that You've been faithful before, you'll be faithful again. Choosing to say, even when it feels things are moving at the rate of a snail, Your timing is perfect.
Your plans are not thwarted.
I'm reminded of a song that ministered to me deeply this morning, as it has so many other times, these beautiful words:
In the chaos, in confusion I know You're Sovereign still In the moment of my weakness You give me grace to do Your will
[ Hillsong, “None but Jesus” ]
::
So even though there is not resolution. A plan. Or even a semblance of one. Other than trying to get in by Friday to see *Dr. Kramer or at least within the week, the offices are closed now and there is nothing more I can do for today.
It isn't fair. My heart cried again today as the injustice rose within me as I shared with one of my best friends how ridiculous it has been to just SEE a doctor, I feel like I'm applying to law school all over again, I mean come on! I'm really not asking for much.
But I was stopped dead in my tracks, after the last disappointing phone call with the doctor's office this afternoon, when I felt defeated and upset that there was nothing more I could do. Then upset that I WAS upset, I'm having a good day for crying out loud.
I was reminded of this truth, a truth that I've been chewing and meditating on that has become something I can honestly say I believe with all of my mind and all of my heart:
That God is not life.
Allow me to explain. In Disappointment with God, Philip Yancey shares the story of a “modern-day” Job and asked him what he learned that might help someone going through a difficult time. Douglas' words are profound:
“He responds by explaining, 'I learned first through my wife's illness and then especially through the accident not to confuse God with life.
We tend to think that life should be fair because God is fair. But God is not life. And if I confuse God with the physical reality of life—by expecting constant good health, for example—then I set myself up for a crushing disappointment.
Through his time of trials, Douglas learned a new meaning of faith: 'Faith means believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse.'”
[ Philip Yancey, Disappointment with God ]
::
We dare not confuse God with life. Because God IS fair, life is not.
His goodness goes far deeper than both pleasure or pain, it embraces them both.
My challenge each day, when I'm tempted to give way to discouragement that what if things don't change for a while or if this is how life is going to be, no answers, no solutions, but that I will just have to suffer with this, forever.
Douglas' last words struck me and have challenged me in the last month. That as I look back and see the things God has brought me through, the pain and the hardships, some that went on for most of my life, 17 years before any relief... that just as THOSE things now make sense and I can see how God was with me and was working in those times even though I always felt He couldn't be further away... and though I could not see all the good that has come of it... I know have the gift of hindsight. I can look back and see how it all made sense.
But now, it doesn't all entirely make sense. Some days more than others it does. But the battle of my heart right now, is to continue to believe NOW for what will only make sense in reverse.
Because my God can be trusted. Because I know my Father loves me deeply. I know He will always take care of me. That I am never forgotten by Him or abandoned.
That I am seen and I am known and I am loved. He is my hope, my strength and my salvation. My refuge, my deliverer, an ever-present help in times of trouble.
He Himself is my peace. And while I cannot see, You can. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name...
Paul's parting words to the Ephesians, God's words to me. It amazes me how God designed this. I mean that in this book, this Book of Life, He would, from cover to cover, fill the pages with this incredible love story between a God and His people and within that understanding of that love and relationship, He would provide a way to lead us and instruct and counsel our hearts, send the Spirit that brings revelation, that in these words, in this book of life, we would find everything we need to live. Wow.
As I was reading this today, it just struck me. I love when things that we "know" hit us in a way we've never known. A newer angle or a deeper depth. That wow, He is laying out what we need to do in order to fight the battles raging in all our lives. He is showing us how we can fight, how to walk through those times, how to stand firm and be rooted only in the power of God. He trains our fingers for battle and reminds us daily of our need for Him and of our need to not go out into the battle unprotected.
He lays out all the tactics of the enemy here, and what we will use to fight. Not just any weapons will do. But as we learn in 2 Corinthians, these weapons have divine power to demolish strongholds, footholds, the devil may have laid stake in our lives.
God doesn't say there will not be battle, but shares here how to engage battle. By first acknowledging that there IS one and that we are not fighting mere flesh and blood, but powers and forces of the evil. Yet, our God is greater. He shows us here how that power and protection is available to us ALWAYS, by daily acknowledging our need for and putting on the FULL armor of God, not just one part, not just the belt or the sword, but the the FULL armor and also acknowledging that it is HE who fights our battles. We are told we only need to be still and see the deliverance that the LORD will bring as we stand firm in Him,
“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14
::
--THE ARMOR OF GOD--
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness (or against the powers of this dark world) and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and having done all, to stand firm.
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled (or fastened) around your waist, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts (or arrows) of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people.
Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it boldly (or fearlessly), as I should.
Grace to all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with an undying love.”
:: Ephesians 6:10-20, 24
(a combination of Today's New International Version, TNIV, and the English Standard Version, ESV)
neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
:: Isaiah 55:8-9
::
"In explaining the growth of his faith, psychiatrist Gerald May writes, 'I know that God is loving and that God's loving is trustworthy. I know this directly, through the experience of my life.
There have been plenty of times of doubt, especially when I used to believe that trusting God's goodness meant I would not be hurt.
But having been hurt quite a bit, I know God's goodness goes deeper than all pleasure and pain—it embraces then both.' "
::
I LOVE that.
What I love about it most is when I read it recently in Ruthless Trust, it was one of few sentences on the page I had not feverishly underlined the first time I read the book. I go back to this book from time to time, and reading that sentence the other day, I just felt this sense of peace.
It spoke to that which I have struggled to give voice to.
That even though I am going through a difficult season, I feel, no I AM blessed.
As my counselor also reiterated, there is a nearness we experience in trials, a nearness of God carrying us, provision for us moment to moment, when we are in a place where moment to moment reliance is what is getting us through, it is difficult to put into words how God has ministered to me in this trial. He has been so, so good to me. To experience His goodness and His love in ways that I cannot even begin to describe. To feel Him near, to know He is holding me, and holding us and saying to us day after day, I will carry you.
I will give you and I will be all that you need.
To be in that place of poverty and need for Him, is not, as we hear countless of times, to be without or to have less, but more. That even going through something hard does not mean that that suffering is bad or that God is not being good to us, it is much deeper than that, all of which I cannot explain save to say that is part of the beauty and the mystery of God.
So we find that we have not less, but more. Treasures that can only be found in the darkness. Where we are called to a wide open space, encountering a God we never knew, a God we've never seen before like this, a God who is loving and loves us and is good, whose love goes far deeper... whose ways and whose thoughts are far deeper. Higher. Greater.
::
Our God is greater, our God is stronger God You are higher than any other Our God is Healer, awesome in power Our God, Our God…
- Chris Tomlin, "Our God"
::
“Joy is not an absence of struggle or sorrow, but the taste of the presence of God as he surprises us with his gracious love, whatever our circumstances.”
Photos 1-3, 5 courtesy of The Columbia Daily Tribune; Photo 4 courtesy of Olivia Vitale, an old Rock pic, our friends Tyler Shields and Brian Bowe gearing up for the Nebraska game in Fall 2007; Photo 6 courtesy of Brandon Hoops, from this weekend's homecoming shenanigans. More pics below.
Some people have Bieber fever, but in these parts, Mizzou madness has hit.
I'm going to go ahead and just get it out there, let's just say this has been a weekend of firsts.
First timeI started a small group, let alone a conversation with, “Oh my gosh, can you believe the game last night?!”
As I'm flipping pancakes and serving up hot tea, and asking each girl that comes in.
And the girls in my small group are all pretty girly as I am, I'm not exactly what you'd call the "sports type,” so they were able to know where I was coming and were equally as shocked as I told them a few more firsts...
First timeI have watched a football game on TV, from start to finish, I mean I was glued to the TV as much as Ben was.
First timeI watched a football game and actually KNEW all that was going on!! As I told the girls this morning, watching football for me usually is like watching a bunch of guys running around on the field, no rhyme or reason, just running around, and occasionally someone scores.
That was about the depth of my football knowledge.
Well, that's exaggerating a bit, but still, it has taken years for me to come to the place here I could not only know what was going on, could see that we were playing smart, MIZZOU, was playing smart football, I could see the strategy and was biting my nails along with everyone else that OU could have caught up or beat us, I didn't let myself finally breathe a sigh of relief and taste the victory until about a few seconds left, when OU tried desperately to make something happen, but the more than 71 thousand fans had already started rushing the field.
It was a sea of yellow, it was incredible.
Not only that, but it was thefirst timeI have actually been emotionally invested in whether we won or not. (With Mizzou or any team other than the soccer and football teams my brother was on.) But, as I told Ben of the countless times in my years growing up here in Columbia, that us kids were get all decked out in our black and gold, and it would be some combination of my brother and I, some of our friends and their dads and our dad, heading to the Mizzou game.
Everything is going great, we get a touch down here and there, (but I was always watching the cheerleaders, as a former cheerleader this should come as no surprise) then all of a sudden would start to lose control of the game. It wasn't too long before we, like many other fans, would start trickling out of the stadium, dejected and also cold, from weathering the elements in hopes of a Tiger victory warming our hearts... and making the long trek of defeat back to our cars... ALLL the way down Providence.... and hearing our dads rant and complain about the team, the defense, the coaches, the fumbles, and on and on it went. We wondered why we even went sometimes.
“I feel like you've got some wounds with the Tigers, babe,” Ben teased me as I told him after we scored a touchdown in the first 10 seconds of the game, that I couldn't get my hopes up.
But, I finally let myself say it. I really wanted the tigers to win.
I told Ben about what it has been like the last few years to see our team actually WINNING when growing up as a kid going to all the games, the times we actually won, it was like by some fluke. But we were there, the faithful, even starting at every Black and Gold scrimmage before the season officially started, we supported our Tigers.
The last few days have been the times I miss working in the journalism world the most.
Oh what I would have GIVEN to have a press pass this weekend, the journalism bug still has me, something within me wanted to see and tell and be a part of the story going on, the biggest home game and homecoming weekend Mizzou has ever seen, and let me tell you the place has been hoppin since Thursday night when the first of the fans and alumni started invaded Columbia.
I flew the nest on Friday even though I'm not supposed to be driving right now, I was going to lose it. I had a girl who could run me around town to do some errands around 4, but I just HAD to get out. Traffic was congested nearly EVERYWHERE in Columbia, it was only 2 p.m. On Friday. The game wasn't until the Saturday at 7, but fans were not about to miss out.
ESPN's GameDay was making an appearance, as we were the hottest game in College football all week. They go to a different campus each week to broadcast their Saturday morning show, College GameDay, from whichever is said to be THE biggest game of the week. (I'm only explaining it because until this week I didn't know what GameDay was, so for the few like me, there ya go.)
I bet they had no idea Missouri would turn out like this, I mean it felt like the entire STATE was here! All I keep hearing from the students who went or got to work with the ESPN crew, my journalism friends or the paper this morning, is that they have never seen a crowd like this, the energy and enthusiasm coupled with the picturesque setting of the Quad was a GameDay that will go down in history.
Several of the students in our campus church, The Rock, were camping out on the Quad Friday night in hopes of being some of the first let in the gate to to be on national television cheering on their team, as ESPN was opening the gates at 3:30 am.
Well, another first,are you ready for it? We beat Nebraska already at least ONCE this fall and we have yet to play them. We travel to Cornhusker country next Saturday, but ESPN's GameDay said in the Columbia Daily Tribune today, we were their most impressive crowd yet. A record-breaking attendance for their show, Mizzou came decked out in black and gold, the young and the old, 18,000 strong!!
Nebraska held the previous attendance record at a mere 15,808. EM-barrassin'.
Not to mention the sold out crowd of 71,004 at Faurot Field yesterday.
And let me tell you I have NEVER seen this place, in my 26 years of living in Columbia, have more school spirit. You walk outside and you could literally feel the buzz everywhere.
I mean, another example. We are a part of a campus church, we meet on Saturday nights. Usually, we have a pretty good crowd. It works especially well cause many young'uns don't want to get up early on a Sunday morning, so we moved to Saturday nights about 10 years ago.
I've been going to the Rock for about 8 years now, since my freshman year of college and you know, we'd have a night game here and there on a Saturday, but it wouldn't really make a difference for church that night, maybe 15-20 people were gone. But in a church of about 2-250 people, you couldn't' really tell.
Well, the last couple years since we've been getting good again and especially this semester, where night games would be announced the week of, a 6 pm start and we would still have church, but now if there's a night game, we're short nearly half of our crowd.
So much so, that I was SO sad I wasn't feeling good enough to make it to the staff meeting this week. I knew the hot topic and big decision would be made about what to do about this Saturday.
I mean, it's homecoming. Which is a big deal enough.
ESPN is coming. We're going to be on GameDay. The town and the students and especially all the journalism folk we've got here, will be going nuts.
Oklahoma's undefeated. (Or shall I say, WAS undefeated) But all week, the story has been: They're undefeated. We were undefeated. This is a big game.
They're ranked #1.
We have not beat them in 20 years.
And in Coach Gary Pinkel's 10 years here at Mizzou he has not beat them. (I love Pinkel by the way, from my old days of working the KOMU sports show and helping him get mic'ed up and ready for his on set interviews, he really is so down to earth and a really nice guy, I've been hoping he'd get this type of victory, he deserves it and has always believed in his players, even when we, and yes, I'm including myself in the skeptics, doubted the program.)
AKA, this is going to be EPIC!
And, I mean yesterday I was super bummed I had to miss the homecoming parade, my favorite homecoming tradition, but when I was able to leave the house for a bit, when a friend came over and hung out then we left for a Starbucks run, my jaw dropped as we rounded the intersection.
I grew up on the south side of town and now moved back this summer to the southside, and I could not believe my eyes.
Okay, so usually on game days, Providence is lined with cars near the stadium. Pretty normal.
But the last home game, when I dared venture out in the traffic, I was shocked that on my way out to the mall, going west on Stadium, cars were lined all the way past the intersection of Stadium and Forum. People were walking (even with their KIDS) on what was left of the shoulder on the road, trekking it up to a tailgate or the stadium. I could not believe it and had never seen people park that far out.
But, yesterday, cars were lined up all the way to the Panera on Nifong, I kid you not, I have NEVER seen anything like it. I wanted a camera so bad to document it all. Or even just to be able to capture all the sights and sounds of the weekend.
And I was just thinking of all the memories our students will have. I mean nearly everyone goes to the games now, back in the day, football fans went. Now everyone goes. It has been really cool to hear all their excitement when any of the girls came over or gave me rides this week, let me just tell you, as my small group girls can attest to, there was not an ounce of schoolwork done Thursday through now, it has been a full and exciting weekend for them from start to finish.
How cool is that, for our generation lol I'm not that old so I don't know why I just said that, but for my friends who were in college with me, beating Nebraska and everyone marching with the goal posts all the way from the field to downtown, either the Berg or Harpo's, was the big deal game we had. I have friends that still have pieces of that goal post, others sold theirs for a pretty penny on Ebay.
But, our students, like especially last year's freshman class, they live and BLEED black and gold. It's just so different because we are actually GOOD. Lol
We've never had to seriously consider do we move church to Sunday when we have night games? Friday night was an option a couple years back, that bombed. Our best solution lately has been to still have church Saturday, but put all of our energy in making our Thursday mid-week service, like a full production Rock.
But, I mean, we didn't stand a chance for this week. The decision was made to cancel The Rock this week and have a watch party in lieu of a service, in Middlebush Auditorium where we always meet.
Oh, and before I forget to mention theREAL firsts...
We beat OU! In front of a national audience.
It was Missouri's first win over Oklahoma since 1998 ... Missouri's first 7-0 start since 1960... and Missouri's first victory over the top-ranked team in the BCS standings, according to the Tribune.
The headline on the Trib's sport page reads, “Oh no OU didn't!” WOW. Gotta love it.
(But yes, it's getting cut out and going on the fridge as soon as my hubby has read through all the sports section.)
“The big one had gotten away from Missouri’s Gary Pinkel for almost 10 years.
Until now.
Winless against Oklahoma during his decade coaching the Tigers — one of the very few lingering knocks on the coach’s record at MU — Pinkel finally achieved Saturday night what some wondered if he ever would.
Missouri 36, Oklahoma 27
The swarm of gold covering Faurot Field told the story of a fan base starved for a signature victory over a superpower program. It told the story of a perfect football day in Columbia that began with a three-hour infomercial for Pinkel’s program and ended with a prime-time beating of the bullies who for years had been taking the Tigers’ lunch money.
But this time, the bully trudged home to Norman bloodied and beaten.”
Bloodied and beaten they returned that is true. All Friday and Saturday I kept seeing OU fans dare to venture out in public, in OUR town, proudly donning their crimson red. Well let's just say, as this morning I ran to Panera to get a bagel since I was up way earlier than the girls would be coming over, there was not a HINT of red even in sight. Especially that Millard kid, who I found out from Ben during the game, was a Rock Bridge (my alma mater) standout, but totally snuffed Mizzou when they offered him a scholarship. Must have been an awkward coming home moment for him, especially seeing some of his old high school buds sporting the black and gold on the field.
As the announcers kept saying yesterday, this Missouri team is a different team. Pinkel has been laying the building blocks piece by piece since he came and he is finally reaping the benefits these last few years.
Oh, another first, as we're talking about how exciting the game was and how nervous we were at certain points and this play and that, the girls are thumbing through the first section and the sports section as we're getting our pancakes and tea situated. It was great. (We did get on to talking other things, but you know, first things first).
It was the first game a lot of us have ever watched from start to finish, it was fun getting to talk with the girls and hear how all the other homecoming festivities were. Again, what I would've given to have a video camera strapped to my shoulder again and been able to be in the center of the action! Those are the times I miss working in the journalism world, but even just being around it and hearing about it from our students, AND watching the game with Ben last night, was amazing!
Gotta love all my J school buddies, many of which, from KOMU or those who work for the athletic department, including my brother's girlfriend, Kat, have posted some awesome pics of some of the sights and sounds and behind the scenes look at the big homecoming weekend, ENJOY!
ESPN'S College GameDay hits the quad, from fellow Rock staff member, Brandon Hoops:
One of the ESPN anchors gettin' ready to sport his black and gold!
Former Rock Bridge standout and Tiger standout, Chase Patton makes an appearance as a Mizzou football alumni!
One of the signature GameDay things to do is to make the most outrageous signs so they'll end up on TV, Mizzou did not disappoint. The article I linked above has more of the ones ESPN and the Trib got a kick out of the most.
Casey Batezel, one of the Rock kids and also an awesome photographer, got to be an official photog for the weekend!
Too cute!
From the Columbia Daily Tribune:
There's Cayla Troyer, her family goes to the same church I grew up in and she and my brother are the same age and graduated from Rock Bridge together, look at her go! Trib caption: The Golden Girls perform in front of the crowd of fans that gathered early yesterday before the live broadcast of ESPN’s “College GameDay” from Missouri’s Francis Quadrangle.
From Jen Reeves, one of my beloved broadcast professors,her and her husband Randy, are AWESOME. Some of my favorite people. One thing I loved about Mizzou journalism is that it really does live up to the hype of being the #1 J-school, mostly in the fact that your professors and your fellow classmates become family. I got to babysit for Jen and Randy several times and still feel a part of the fam, journalism and their fam! Here's the family now:
There's little Cameron and Jordan. Cam is so big now, I remember when she was pregnant with him, crazy!! And then Jen, and Randy, being totally Randy, peeking through the top!
More fun old Rock pics:
Super cute! The now married, at the time of this picture dating, Chris and Aimee Swift, also fellow Rock staffers!
Haha, this pic still cracks me up, Tyler Shields, showing how loyal of a Mizzou fan he is, before the Nebraska game in 2007,all of these photos courtesy of Olivia Vitale.
From former co-worker, KOMU TV's Scott Schaefer, resident videographer (and great still photog too!). Scott shoots just about anything now, but got his start in the sports department and still has the press pass advantage for all these memories, love it! Here's some of his shots:
Look at all the equipment they need for a show on the road!?!
Here's my brother, Muki's girlfriend, Kat, on the ESPN set! Kat is also a broadcast journalism alumni and now works for the athletic department as one of their PR reps and communication guru, Kat works specifically for the football team, travels to all their games and is responsible for the website.Doesn't she look great?!
MORE equipment!
Fans storming the field!
ESPN's Erin Andrews reporting live from Faurot Field.
Just had to include at least ONE OU shot. Okay, I just like their uniforms way better than Mizzou's this year.
And, last but not least, students not only tore down the goalposts and rushed the field (several within the mosh pit that became the field got arrested) but the rest took the traditional trek from the stadium all the way to Harpo's marching with the posts to continue celebrating! Last time I remember this happening was the Nebraska game when I was in college, can't remember, maybe sophomore or junior year.
And finally, a collection of the some of the J-school's official photogs' shots, in an album I saw a lot of j-school friends tagged in for different shots they took:
Haha, this is great! It's always fun to see what anchors REALLY wear other than their jackets. Many sports guys, on ESPN and our little KOMU wear the jacket and shirt and tie on top, but many times shorts on the bottom, cause sitting at home, you'd never know!
ESPN's Erin Andrews shows the cheerleaders she's got spirit too.
And this kid was too cute to pass up, a future Marching Mizzou member!!
Oh, and I just dedicated an entire POST to football.... what?! A weekend of firsts, that is for sure :)
