up from the shadowlands: part 1

SO... many of my feelings and my mood overall is now a complete 180 from where I was most of yesterday and the day before, but the journey of the last couple of days has made me realize that even if just for my sake, writing and processing this all has been worth it.

So here I am raw, unedited, uncut. I have once again, come undone.

I wrote this mostly yesterday and finished parts today. Today has been a much different day. There is peace again, light on the path, things have been moving again with the health stuff, Ben and I are truly teammates and reignited in fighting this beast again, I got to talk with one of my best friend's on the phone today, and lastly, the world is now a better place, as I just had one of the girls from church take me to get a Starbucks, and let me tell you, being out of the house for the first time in days was so refreshing. Not to mention the Starbucks!

Needless to say, I am happy camper again and the world is again a wonderful place, man, talk about withdrawal, it's only been a few days without Starbucks... a tall nonfat with whip white mocha never tasted so good! :) I'm also excited that I won't have to miss our weekly girls' night tonight we have at one of my friend's houses watching none other than our beloved show, So You Think You Can Dance, every Wednesday. Yeah, it's not even on right now, only comes on in the summers, but we decided we didn't want our weekly summer tradition to die, so now we gather with a table full of goodies each week for girl talk and watching last fall's season of the show that most of us didn't get to see last year. One of the girls is coming to pick me up and we'll see if I can stay the full two hours!

Okay, now onto what I actually wrote :)

::

I feel like I'm finally come for air. Life pumping through my veins again. I feel more alive, less dead than the last few days have afforded. I feel hope again, have found my way finally out of the darkness of the shadowlands and finally am coming back into the light.

The last few days through this morning, the only way I know how to describe it is to liken it to another been another dark night of the soul that I am finally recovering from. I started writing this yesterday and was bummed. I've had 4-5 things I've wanted to blog about the last few days, much lighter and more encouraging things and other things I enjoy writing about but didn't have the energy or strength to write till now.

I have felt completely drained of emotional (not to mention physical) energy each day the last few days just dealing with all of this and then having company unexpectedly over the weekend, just trying to catch my breath. Didn't know where to start. So once again, all the posts half written in my mind that I've wanted to write the last few days are once again on hold.

But you, know, that's okay. Even though when I started I didn't want to write about this, it has been good for me to fight through putting words in black and white to what is going on.

I've felt this tug and God is wanting me to deal with the here and now and face and begin to articulate this dark night of the soul.

Part of fighting this battle is bringing it into the light. Through conversations with my husband, friends and community. And also by having the strength and courage to write again. So here it goes again, as I look back, it always amazes me that I think I have just a few paragraphs to say, then pages later, I find all this within me I didn't know was there, now coming out. It's been good for my soul, so alas, I shall begin.

::

I've somehow been thrust back into the shadowlands. The darkness and the shadows have been so heavy the last few days, I've struggled, stumbled to find my way.

So much that it seems there is no way, there is no path, somehow, I'm out here all alone. Looking all around me and seeing nothing. Not even a trace of terrain that looks familiar or that can point me in the direction I need to go. I have felt stuck. Left out here. Crying out for help, but being met with silence.

And in that silence the doubts and the questions and the fears find their most fruitful breeding ground.

When hope has flown and God seems no longer near, but far away, no longer leading us, but leaving us to figure it out by our own devices... when even though I know that He loves me, even though I know that He is here, even though I know He will never leave nor forsake us, even though I know He is here and active in our situation even when it doesn't FEEL like it, even though I know that He has a plan for my life, even though I know He sees and knows all that is going on, even though I know that He hears me and I know I can trust Him...

Why is it so hard to admit that sometimes I don't?

Or that I feel abandoned. Much worse, forgotten by God.

Disappointed with God.

Now while I KNOW all of these things are not true, that God is with me, holding me so close sometimes I forget that He is even there, that He IS working in this situation even when it feels nothing is happening, and that He is weeping WITH me, as I have been broken again and at a loss for words.

Rushing through processing these feelings and emotions would be dangerous. If I simply moved to the truth and tried to get myself to believe what I know to be true, I'd be short circuiting the process that I know that He is leading me to, those dark questions, deep within my heart that surface and re-surface in dealing with this illness, of God pushing me to those places I'd rather not go...