[... rising again from these ashes-- raw, unedited, uncut-- the journey and the battle the last few days. again, i have come undone... empty-handed yet alive in his hands...] ::
... TO OWN A DRAGON
I felt like I was living a nightmare.
I have been in a nearly eight month fight with this dragon that each day becomes more and more ruthless in its attempts to take me out.
Some days his strength is contained, and I can still hear him rattling the iron bars within its cage, trying to break free, I can feel the scorching heat of the fire he tries to breathe down my neck, but usually I am far enough away that I won't be burned.
But lately, as in a situation a couple months ago when I ran out of medication and faced a six-hour period where I dealt with this thing, unmedicated... I felt like I had finally felt this dragon's real strength.
It was unbearable.
I remember collapsing to the floor that day, sobbing and sitting with Ben trying to figure out what to do, do we go back to the hospital, do we call this doctor on call or this one, do we go to the ER?
I remember that day as I have been reacquainted with now, how ugly this thing was.
To think that every day I was only experiencing a fraction of the pain and complete havoc this is wreaking on my body blew my mind.
I have never experienced anything like it. That was the day I realized I was fighting this dragon. That day I got to see the strength of his claws, this thing that was more ugly and more nasty than I could have ever realized.
To slay a dragon.
I have often thought of that as my daily activity now. I spend all day, all my energy trying to keep his dragon from getting unleashed. For I know it's brute strength, and even though I experience it day by day, at least I am able to keep him somewhat at a distance. At least I am able to somewhat know how to keep him under control for the day.But I feel more and more defeated by this enemy. This sickness that is attacking my body that we cannot name.
They say the first rule of war is to know your enemy.
Well, I know THAT Enemy, and believe me, Satan has had the time of his life with trying to spew out venom and lies just like the dragon has been attacking me, but we don't know what we're fighting with this illness.
I don't really have to know what it is just to know. I felt I let go of that desire to “just know” a long time ago, in fact, I don't think that has been an issue for quite some time. But I just want to know what I have, so we can know how to treat it. So that we know what we're fighting, so that I know each day that I am either helping or hurting it. It is hard to wonder and feel like each day I am slowly destroying my body.
Did I need to be on bed rest this whole time? Has any activity been causing this? There is no way of knowing.
And while our hope in all of this time as we have learned can ONLY fully be in the Lord, as we would've gone crazy by now if we had placed our hope anywhere else. It cannot be in the doctors, or finding out answers, or this hospital, or this treatment, or this clinic.
Yet, knowing what I have will allow me to be able to function again. Even if I do have a chronic condition, which at this point is most likely the case, at least finding out answers will lead to solutions.
As one of my many cheerleaders, as she calls herself, the mother of a good friend of mine has said to me repeatedly in her encouraging emails... to not give up. She experienced something similar where one of her children was born and struggling with health problems for quote sometime before the doctors found out what it was. She too, grew tired of doctors looking at her and saying, “well, everything looks normal.” as they do when you get test results that indicate they didn't find anything.
It becomes a psychological thing, where you really begin to feel that maybe this is all in your head, why can't the doctors find anything. But I have eight months of evidence and symptoms and a complete overhaul of life as I knew it to attest that no, this is NOT in my head.
The pain and the physical limitations reminds me I am not dreaming. There IS something wrong with my body, they just haven't found out what it is yet, as she has said numerous times in her emails. Words that have given me and Ben strength to continue fighting and pushing and prodding our way through this.
And why would you WANT to be going through this? She asked me, I mean, you get married in less than a month, who would want to spend their engagement period like this, like it doesn't make sense why it would even benefit you to WANT to not be able to work the last few months or wonder if you will even have energy to make it through let alone ENJOY your wedding day.
I will never forget that, and as I have told her countless times, God has used her as such a critical piece in all of this. Many times saying the things God knew I desperately needed to here.
One of the last things she reminded of was, was even if the doctors are not understanding why I'm still experiencing all these symptoms and keep saying we've done every test... she said, no, they have NOT done every test because we haven't figured out what is wrong yet. There ARE answers and there ARE solutions out there, don't give up.
We haven't. Those words have become fighting words, words I remind myself every time me or Ben gear up for another battle on the phone with insurance companies, or trying to get this paperwork process moved up, or trying to see where a referral is at from getting us an appointment somewhere or trying to get an appointment moved up. The truth that there are answers and there are solutions out there, gives me strength to fight. I know I am not going crazy, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, believe you me. Chronic pain and now chronic fatigue as I'm experiencing is no joke. I am blown away by and the utmost respect for the millions of people who have adapted and live the rest of the entire lives with this undercurrent of pain that never goes away.
Once we find out what is going on in my body, I won't have to live my life like this, needing heat or ice on my neck all of my waking hours of the day. Having to plan out my day aground which activities will cause more or less pain. Not being able to do more than one errand at a time. Or having to stay at home, and now, mostly laid up.
Right now we have gone from management to survival mode.
I can learn to live with this, as god has been graciously allowing me to learn, but learning how to live for the long haul with this will only come once we have more adequate treatment.
Cause now it's just a guessing game and I am getting weaker and weaker each day. My time out of the house keeps shrinking. Now instead of a few hours, 30 minutes to an hour is taxing on me. I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take...
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