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... TREASURES WITHIN
One of the coolest things happened yesterday in the middle of all of my despair and feeling I was sinking deeper and deeper into a depression. There was nothing in our house I felt like doing, everything would trigger some sort of pain or discomfort and I couldn't leave the house. Usually, as I find it absolutely and totally the grace of God that I have never, for one day in the last months been bored and not known what to do with myself, mostly being at home, but yesterday, when you're depressed, you don't feel like doing anything. Things that were once fun or crafting which has become a good outlet for me, no longer sounded fun.
I remember sitting there on the recliner after calling a couple of friends wondering what would come next or what to do with myself.
And then I was given a gift.
A gift I felt I didn't even want. I didn't want to turn to God yesterday.
I wasn't sure how I felt about Him at the moment.
And the thought of spending the early parts of my day communing with Him and allowing Him to speak to me through His word and through my journaling and processing felt like the last thing I wanted to do.
Yesterday I felt reading His word and reading about trusting God and believing him now for what will only make sense in reverse, as Yancey shares, was just too painful for me.
I felt rejected. Not good enough. Sure that's easy for you to say, but at least you knew what your wife had, at least you had doctors that were on her side, that knew what was going on, how do I know that I don't have three more months to live, or have a disease with no cure and will die before I'm 40 or that there will never be answers, that I will just have to suffer?
Easy for you to say that, yes, trust in God, believe Him, but this is urgent. I can't just sit here and wait. I am getting more and more sick each day and God, where did you go? You've been walking so intimately with me in this and now I can't see you. I can't find you, feel you near. Where are you and why have you left us wandering out here again in the dark?
I sunk deeper into my depression and it felt scary to not feel like God was safe again. I so desperately wanted to sink into the arms of my Father, but suddenly was questioning him again and wondering if His deliverance would be delayed, like it was before, in that time in my childhood into my adult life, where I wondered where God was, why didn't He rescue me sooner?
Then I heard this so loud it was nearly audible. This simple question alone shook me out of my despondence.
“But do you not remember, that I am the Lord?”
It stopped me dead in my tracks.
You see, it is funny how the Lord works.
For the last couple of months, I have had a deeper need and God has given me a deeper desire to be in His Word. God has been making scripture come alive to me, as I've been going through the One year Bible, where basically you read an old testament reading, a new testament reading, a section of a psalm, and a proverb each day. I've been loving it.
Now, I have never been able to keep up with reading plans and things like that so I usually don't try. And I've started and restarted this book but always felt discouraged because my reading would be segmented and vary. For instance, since it is broken up by dates, I would miss five chapters of Exodus, if I missed a couple days, then would want to follow and jump in the next day but then I'm missing part of the story.
Well, in the midst of my searching my heart and God's heart on what is really up with pain and suffering, I was led again to the book of Job. Let's take a deeper look at what was really going on in this man's life. And I wanted to, like Job, say, even though he slay me, I will trust in Him. I wanted that kind of faith, that kind of trust. A trust that begs him to ask the question when his wife was tempting him to curse God for all the calamity they were experiencing, he had me from the beginning when he asked her,
“Shall we except good from God and not trouble?” (Job 2:10)
So I started there, even though the date didn't match up to what date it really was, and from there have just been doing the next day's reading day after day. I've been really enjoying having the time to be in the Word more and see more of the Story God is telling unfold.
He has been meeting me there in His word, revealing so much of His heart towards me, freeing me in His truth and allowing me to gain a new perspective and fall more in love with this God who is crazy in love with His people and will stop at nothing to have our hearts.
Usually studying the word and memorizing scripture is hard for me, mostly because I come from a church background growing up that was very legalistic in nature, filled with Bible quizzes and being able to have the right answer to say, but the power of the Word didn't really penetrate our hearts.
I've had this huge disdain for anything that comes remotely close to my legalistic past, such as reading plans. So over the years, I've had other ways of reading the word and holding his truth close to my heart.
But for some reason, this time it has been different. Each day I've felt God giving me my daily bread, the rich promises He displays lavishly in His Word. Words that have given me life and renewed my heart and mind, revived my hope and given me strength to trust Him with another day.
Lately, for the old testament reading, (always the larger chunk, several chapters), we are now in the book of Isaiah, my FAVORITE book.
I grew a love for this book even more when I went through Beth Moore's “Breaking Free” Bible study one year by myself as I was looking for a way to stay more consistently in His word, and that study was nothing short of amazing. This was before the days where she puts her DVD lessons online, so I never got to see the video portions of it, but still felt God met me in powerful ways through that study.
But, for being my favorite book of the Bible, I realized, as I started reading this time, that somehow I always have skipped over the first oh, 30 or so chapters, where God is sharing His judgment for His people, His wayward nation of Israel and speaking of all that He will do to them. For they have put their trust in other gods and have not followed His ways. His wrath consumes the first 35-40 chapters, to the point where I'm like, when are we gonna get to the GOOD stuff, you know, the verses in Isaiah 40-45 including some of my favorite words:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine... or do not be afraid, for I am with you, I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you... when you pass through the fire, you will not be burned... I have chosen you, I will give nations and people in exchange for you, because I love you... I will delight in you... you are precious and honored in my sight...” and on and on.
But, when we start at the beginning, we begin to understand the true weight of those words. For in the chapters leading up to it, it is almost overwhelming. Time after time, God is pronouncing judgment on Israel, and prophecy about this people and that nation, prophecy of his judgment and how he will withhold his compassion... and Israel keeps going back to their other lovers, the ones who cannot save them. But they don't know the danger of their folly, so God pronounces judgment, prophecy about what is to come if things continue the way they are going:
.:: “See now, the Lord, the Lord Almighty, is about to take from Jerusalem and Judah both supply and support...” (isaiah 3:1)
.:: “Jerusalem staggers, Judah is falling; their words and deeds are against the Lord, defying his glorious presence. The look on their faces testifies against them; they parade their sin like Sodom; they do not hide it. Woe to them! They have brought disaster on themselves.” (isa. 3:8-9)
.:: “The fortified city stands desolate, and abandoned settlement, forsaken like the wilderness; there the calves graze, there they lie down; they strip its branches bare.
When its twigs are dry, they are broken off and women come and make fires with them. For this is a people without understanding; so their Maker has no compassion on them, and their Creator shows no favor.” (isa. 27:10-11)
.:: “You turn things upside down, as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, 'You did not make me?' Can the pot say to the potter, 'You don't know what you're doing?' (isa. 29: 16)
.:: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.” (isa. 30:15)
All throughout this first third of the book of Isaiah, I couldn't wait to get to the parts where the Lord changes the tune, and gives compassion to his people, gives them another chance, announce that he has chosen and redeemed them. But all of this time in those chapters was worth it, especially today.
The last few weeks in these chapters, I could hear the pleas of a God desperately desiring the love and the trust of His people, but Israel, in her idolatrous, adulterous and fickle heart, would not listen.
Would constantly look and search for other gods.
Gods that could not save them.
Broken cisterns that always ran dry.
And you just want to go, listen to HIM, He knows what's best for you, He knows what is right, you can trust him, you don't have to go to those other places, I know you think you know the way, but trust that HE does. Can't you see how much He loves you, can't you see that He is the LORD, who is high and above all things? That He created you and created the world all around you...
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My favorite questions are the numerous times these questions are presented, as if to say, who are you to question the Lord?
.:: “Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?
Who can fathom the Spirit of the Lord, or instruct the Lord as his counselor? Whom did they Lord consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way?” (isa. 40:12-14)
.:: “… Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow weary or tired and his understanding no one can fathom...” (isa. 40:28)
.:: “I am the Lord, who has made all things, who alone stretched out the heavens, who spread out the earth by myself...
I am the Lord and there is no other...
I am the first and I am the last; apart from me there is no savior. Who then is like me? Let them proclaim it.” (isa. 44)
And on and on it goes. And in these passages, as I've looked in and been struck by how many times the Lord has to assert himself, remind them of who He is, tell them that He is God, remind them of who created them, and that he is sovereign, above all, that there is no one is like him, I've been struck at why God had to repeat himself so many times.
Because like Israel, I am also fickle and broken. I lose my way sometimes. I need reminded. I forget that it is He, and that He is the Lord, that He has a plan, that He loves me so much he would give peoples and nations in exchange for me, that He is higher and above all things, that He sees and knows all that is going on, and He has not forgotten me. He is here. Ready to help me. Quick to remind me that I am not alone.
What the Lord told me yesterday I still need reminded of today. That like Israel, I can so easily forget that He is THE Lord.
So yesterday, as I struggled to want to turn to Him or His word, His word began speaking to me... as first the phrase came into my mind, as I was at a total loss for words...
I am the Lord.
Wow. There is really nothing more You needed to say.
So, THAT'S why I needed it repeated so many times. So that now, in my moments yesterday, I could hear His voice rising above all the ashes...
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