[... rising again from these ashes-- raw, unedited, uncut-- the journey and the battle the last few days. again, i have come undone... empty-handed yet alive in his hands...]::
... It took hours later of ruminating on all the emotions and the multiple layers of disappointment I faced in calling the neurologist for results from the last few exams, then trying to get this appointment moved up, or wondering why this one is scheduled for December, or calling and wondering why every single piece of this has had to be an uphill battle.
I feel much more peace today and I feel once again that Ben and I are a team. United again and both fully on board with our mission. It was just as hard for him to see and understand why this recent turn of events came on so suddenly, as it was equally hard for me to articulate and cope with how quickly things had gone downhill but now the rest of the day, we have been sharing the load and tackling this together, splitting up the phone calls we need to make and working towards a plan. God is with us. Through it all.
A new plan. As it seems every week of this with my condition changing, the plan has to change. But I feel united and on board with Ben and most importantly with God, I feel peace about the new direction we are heading and these doors that have been closed does not mean the final answer and is actually confirming that we need to now move down another avenue.
Why have you forgotten me? I cried out to the Lord yesterday, as it was an emotional day, I broke down crying three separate times, and I realized this morning, I am grieving, again. Grieving that the life I have finally grown used to the last couple of months is now changing again. You would think it gets easier, but it doesn't. Even just the shift from being able to do things out of the house for 4-6 hours a day, while still dealing with the symptoms, is something I'd trade now in a heartbeat. I didn't realize how good I had it. I know I will adjust to the "new normal" again, but it's hard to know when being out of the house more than an hour or driving again will be in the picture.
But, the truth is, He has not forgotten me. He has never left my side.
Even when it FEELS like God is silent, in my heart, I choose to believe, He is not.
The lyrics from a Casting Crown song popped in my mind Monday night as I was wondering how long it would be this way. I didn't feel like making the choice to trust God, I was waiting to feel that peace and for all the feelings to match up and say, joyfully, yes, Lord, I am choosing to trust you today...
But that song put it perfectly,
“Even though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm.”
Wow. I felt free. That other people go through this too. Sure, I had made the choice many times to trust Him even when maybe I didn't feel all the way there yet, but the stakes seem higher now.
And to be reminded of that lyric reminded me that,
"Trust," as Brennan Manning says, “is an utterly ruthless act... oftentimes requiring a courage that borders on the heroic.”
Man, he could not be more true.
The tears shed in the last few days have given voice to the ruthlessness of choosing to trust.
More was being stripped away. Again. I felt naked. Cold, alone. Wandering in this dense shadowland, not knowing where to even take my next step. I felt the shadows and the darkness closing in on me more and more. As I frantically looked around, searching for something, anything that would show me the way.
But now, even though my heart is torn, I can and I will praise you, Father. For you are so incredibly faithful. Yes, you are so incredibly good. I read recently that God's goodness goes deeper than joy or pain. It includes them both. That also couldn't be more true.
For if there is anything I have learned in the last several months, it is that faith and doubt can co-exist, the same heart that says, yes, Lord I trust you, is also the same doubting heart that wonders and questions the way. That joy and sorrow can co-exist, hope and despair, victory and defeat, it is not always either/or, but sometimes both. As I tell people it is crazy, in this season I have never loved God more or been more in love with Him, yet I have also never struggled to trust Him more, never had more doubts.
I used to think the two were separate, but they are actually one in the same. One leads to the other and back and forth again. He loves me. Nothing can or ever will change that, and in that love, we are called to a wide open space... we are finally... free. Moving forward with more of God than we once had. Our souls being drawn more and more to Him each day, in the weakness and in the pain, we find strength, hope, life again. Life within His hands.
Making that choice to trust requires a death, another dying, another grief. A death that leads to new and resurrection life, yet one that is not made without calculating the risk.
But just as the Lord pleaded again and again with Israel and reminded them that He was the God, the one who chose them, who called them by name and loved them. Simply loved them more than they would ever know. All he wanted was their trust, and for them to learn to live life another way.
In Him.
That yesterday, my heart was torn and I didn't feel completely like I could trust Him, or praise Him.
But I was reminded that the God of the Israelites, is the same God with me today, here and now. He could provide for them, He could deliver them, He parted the waters and He laid the foundations of the earth. He could also move in my life. In this situation. He is sovereign, and sees and knows all the intricacies of the rising hope and crashing disappointment we've been experiencing daily.
He is ENOUGH.
He is Israel's and my only Savior...
“But now, this is what the Lord says-
he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name;
you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give nations in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you."
- isaiah 43:1-5
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