I’m not who you think I am

(so don’t read this if you haven’t read The Shack, this contains some spoilers.)

So, I officially have a love/hate relationship with The Shack and all it’s digging up in the lost regions of my heart.

My head is spinning. Partially from the lack of sleep the night before, partially from the months worth of emotions I experienced today. good but hard. part of me is sick of going back and doesn't want to buy the fact that all of the work through my past and years of christian counseling still doesn't mean i will not be working on this, but part of me knows it is reality and that recovery is a lifelong process. and knows the value of this process and what it is accomplishing here and in the future, and ultimately what it is restoring that is broken in my relationship with God, as that is the point of recovery.

recovery is an onion, one of my mentors recently said.

god peels different layers at different times.

Not only am I wrestling with a core insecurity with my identity as a woman right now, the “too much, not enough” idea from Captivating, but I am also dealing with the root of this insecurity from my past. This has been something I knew was coming, especially in planning a women’s retreat for our church that is focused on the reality that as women, regardless of age, we all have some insecurity with our identity… whenever God calls you to teach something, you end up preaching to yourself, which is what is happening with the retreat… I was feeling the most secure I’ve ever felt in my identity the last 8 months, and bam, weeks before the retreat… broken again.

Sweetly broken.

And it’s a hard, but the best place to be.

I am encountering god in a way like never before.

Jesus has never been more real.

It is almost as if we are talking trips back to my past and healing the wounds, where they were inflicted.

I have decided I am writing a personal story that I may show a few folks on my “shack” experience with God in the midst of my pain, a few events I have never told anyone about in relation to how God specifically met me and became real in the midst of my “Great Sadness.” I don't know what I'm going to call it yet or how it will take shape, but I think this will be good for me to do. I hope to do that in the next few months.

Today I wrestled with God through some deeply rooted issues leaving me with a flood of emotions I didn’t know what to do with. I was reading The Shack while getting my car inspected and could feel the emotions rising within me.

I tried everything I could to hold some sort of semblance till I got in the car.

I’m not going there, I told God. Not now.

I wasn’t more than three minutes when...

“He could feel the warmth of tears beginning to gather behind his eyes, as if they were knocking on the door of his heart….”

“it’s okay honey, you can let it all out…”

…

“I’m not who you think I am"

...today, without going into detail, I was able to see how current struggles were really more intense by the things the Lord has been revealing to me about the extent of the damage done to my heart because of my past. Because of that, it is like uncovering a wound and leaving me more vulnerable than ever.

Any little word

Has seemed like a direct blow

A direct attack

Leaving me feeling rejected

Unwanted

Unloved

Like there is something fundamentally wrong with me

With who I am…

And I was able to let myself feel anger for the first time in a long time.

Anger is a really scary emotion.

Especially as I’m seeing how it relates to my past. And it is an emotion that always evoked fear in me, so when I see it in myself I automatically think, bad.

But anger is good.

Allowing ourselves to feel anger helps us move on tot he other emotions that are really at play, because anger is a primary emotion.

I felt anger for the first time and just spilled it all out to God.

I cannot put into words what happened.

But I’ll probably write about how it took me back to some of the hauntings of my past.

“Let it all out…

“I feel totally lost,” Mack said.

“Then lets’ see if we can find you in this mess.”

Almost as is on cue, a blue jay landed on the kitchen windowsill and began strutting back and forth. Papa (God) reached into a tin can on the counter and, sliding the window open, offered Mr. Jay a mixture of grains she must have kept just for that purpose. Without any hesitation, and with a seeming air of humility and thankfulness, the bird walked straight to her hand and began feeding.

“Consider our little friend here, “ she began. “Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around.” She paused to let Mack think about her statement, “You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around.”

“Living unloved is like clipping a bird’s wings and removing its ability to fly. Not something I want for you…”

"Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings an d keeping us from being able to fly." She waited for a moment, allowing her words to settle. "And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

so I had all this breakdown/breakthrough an hour before I was going to meet with Garrett. I think it’s funny that whenever we schedule to meet I’m doing great, last week, and the day of I’m falling apart lol.

We had a really great conversation and were talking about a lot of these issues as he shared how he sees his wife and younger girls in our church wrestling with things with our identity and how we’ve been wounded.

I shared with him the premise for what I’ll be writing, what it means to grow up not BEING unloved but BELIEVING you’re unloved. they are two very different things, the later i didn't come to until the last few years in my recovery process.

This section of the book completely exposed my biggest struggle, the grieving and mourning and effects of living the majority of my life unloved. or believing i was.

Today as I was walking through the hurt with God, current and past and how much I didn’t want to take any more risks with people, how it was all bringing up my core fears and struggles with not believing I am truly loved (by ppl) it really is a reflection of

Whether I am loved/accepted by God.

I think that is what is underlying a lot of our identity struggles as women.

Because that is exactly what Shame destroys.

“I’m not who you think I am”

I am meeting and encountering a God through my past who is so much different from the God I knew in my past.

it's coming from lots of different places as i'm getting ready to take/apprentice a recovery class at another church dealing with issues in my past and from what i've been warned numerous times this week, is an intense study, so i'm bracing myself for that, just holding the workbook the other night at orientation i wanted to throw it in the back seat of my car and pretend this never happened. then i'm reading wounded heart and god is doing a work in my life through that. so i am more aware of my issues and vulnerabilities than ever, yet more open to the working of the spirit and the dramatic work of God.

it is powerful, beautiful, painful, and amazing.

not enough, too much...

"I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman.

Every woman I’ve ever met feels it—something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is.

I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time.

Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy.

The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone. After all, if we were better women—whatever that means—life wouldn’t be so hard. Right? We wouldn’t have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful relationships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands?

We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us.
We feel unsought—that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside.
And we feel uncertain—uncertain what it means even to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us—whether from a driven culture or a driven church—is try harder..."

the peasant princess

Mark Driscoll preaches a series from the Song of Songs/Solomon and cuts no corners. If you want sound theological teaching on God's intent for marriage, family, children, divorce, sex, serving, etc. this teaching is the best I have found. This is a must listen or watch for teenagers, singles, and those who are married.

So this series has been spreading like wildfire among Christian culture, but well deservedly. I know everyone has their opinions about Mark, but I am a firm believer in listening or reading to what one has to say before passing judgment. The Driscoll I have heard about and the one I have met in this teaching are pretty different. Sure, you may not agree with all his views or all he has to say, but he preaches a much needed teaching on these issues.

I have passed it along to married and single friends because it has so many great things to say about what relationships and marriage and intimacy were intended to be. A friend told me this fall not to listen to it, it was something only for those who are engaged or married, which of course made me all the more interested in it. (I know I am stubborn.) I wouldn't have listened to it a year ago, so use your own discretion. But I actually didn't start listening to it until December when I heard a lot of great feedback from older single women in my life about how it was ministering to them and allowing them to minister and have a voice in the lives of engaged/married friends. I listen to the talks every now and then, the last one I listened to was a kick in the butt on selfishness and very applicable to nearly any relationship. Check it out!

love

Oswald Chambers said, “No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first.”

I can’t really describe what is happening.

A relationship between two people is living and active, it breathes, it moves, is constantly changing and growing.

That’s how it is with me and God.

There is this invisible thing between the two of us that shows itself outwardly at times but is most beautiful what is intimate and real and felt and experienced between us.

Kind of like two lovers. There is almost an unseen thing going on there between them. Little jokes, little mannerisms, that only the two of them know and understand.

That is what is going on.

I am experiencing and hearing the voice of my Abba like never before. There’s a calm reassurance that I am not alone.

A strange peace I cannot explain.

The security of being in a relationship bigger than anything else around me and one that touches and colors my life in ways I cannot explain.

- photo courtesy of my friend, stephanie (engagement photos)

Ruthless trust

"This book started writing itself with a remark from my spiritual director. 'Brennan, you don’t need any more insights into the faith,” he observed. “You’ve got enough insights to last you three hundred years. The urgent need in your life is to trust what you have received.'

“I can state unequivocally that childlike surrender in trust is the defining spirit of authentic discipleship. And I would add that the supreme need in most of our lives is often the most overlooked—namely, the need for an uncompromising trust in the love of God."

- Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust

So there are a lot of things going on and going well, but I am learning how to wait when things are going slower than I’d like. Like support raising for example. This is an area of my life that is requiring ruthless trust. One of my guy friends just bought the book today and it reminded me of the treasure it was to me my first time reading it.

It’s one I often frequent on my bookshelf.

But I decided to look at the first chapter as I realized, huh, I need some pretty ruthless trust when it comes to the rest of the support coming in. trust is my deepest need in this area. Trusting when you don’t see immediate results. The first part of my support raising process I was staying pretty busy, enjoying the people and new relationships that were forming and results were there. Now, it’s been two months of really slow. And hardly any results. And doing some new things as well as doing the same thing to be faithful, and still seeing very little.

This is where perseverance comes in. and patience. As I’ve been reading in Hebrews, without patience, perseverance is impossible. Will I have the patience to believe even when I don’t see how it’s going to happen? And that belief allowing me to keep going, knowing he who promised is faithful? I have no doubt that God will raise the rest of the support, but I want to know when. And from where. Things I cannot know, but still try to figure out.

I have never doubted this was what I’m supposed to do or that God will raise the team, but my biggest battle is the illusion of control and wanting to believe that what I put in equals what happens plus a little bit of faith and hoila. But that’s not how it works. Faith is more complicated than that and more simple at the same time. Faith is simply believing God. But also God is more concerned about the process, not the result. He is not holding out on me. Lead me to the team.

a blessing or a curse?

I see things differently. I cannot explain it. I do not know why. When you have had a rescue years ago from so near to the pit of hell and god has walked you through that fire, everyday life never looks the same again, you know the powers of darkness are real, for you have touched them, then once held you captive and have been on your heels since you broke free… you see things in the spiritual realm that others cannot, yet because you see them you have the responsible to fight when others are confused on what is even happening or what you are doing. You know how to stand your ground in even the most severe of storms and testings. You know what is an attack and what is from God. And when to trust and believe God is in this, when everything around you and the people around you doubt it.

This weekend, something happened with a group i'm a part of that I saw coming on Thursday. I sent an email to the girls to pray for Saturday. I didn’t go into to details. It wasn’t a vision or anything like that, but a warning I had from God. To be prepared. To stand alert, so as not to be fooled by the devil’s schemes. Unfortunately, I am all too aware of the enemy’s potential and his ways to deceive… kill, steal, and destroy…

God is using this blessing or a curse to also weed out my approval addiction. There have been decisions I have made in the last year, last six months and last week that have been unpopular but have been what God has called me to do.

I recently heard a preaching on Luke 9 that I cannot wait to write about because it talked about this same thing. Following Christ will cause you to leave the comforts and security of many things, including the love of man. The test was passed. Something was released in the spiritual realm once a decision was made, and a heart resolved to trust not what I was FEELING, but the TRUTH and REALITY of the situation and the implications long-term

You believed me.
You TRUSTED me, my child.
Were my Father’s precious words.

It was an experience I still am kinda creeped out about. But is the mystery and the power of the Holy Spirit sent to always be with us.

A spirit that gives us eyes to see and ears to hear this invsible, inaudible voice and presence of God. Sometimes more real than the actions and circumstances around us.

We are called to walk by faith, not sight. Even in the seemingly small things, in a few conversations where I could clearly see what was not there now, but what would be, others struggled to believe.

This sight is only born in darkness. And walking with God in the dark and sadness in trials in Nov. and Dec. have given me new eyes.

Day by day I’m seeing things differently.

Walk with God on a path strewn with blood, sweat, and tears and you will never look at the world the same again.

My life as…

A wedding coordinator

A women’s retreat director
A full-time ministry team developer/support raiser
A bridesmaid/local unofficial maid of honor
Recovery ministry participant/apprentice
Victim’s Advocate for victims of sexual assault and domestic violence
Friend
Sister
Roommate
Mentor
Child of God

… Equals life is crazy/good/fast/furious between December 28 (when I laid out all the timelines and meetings and showers and things that needed to happen) and March 7. After March 7, we will be two weddings, three showers, one retreat down, and back to the normal mix of just support appts and bible studies, recovery ministry, and my relationships.

But the thing is God knows what He’s doing and what I need because I wouldn’t have it any other way, I’ve always done a million things at once but this time I am learning how to rest and how to go, and learning this is just how I’m wired. The days I stop, it all comes to a screeching halt and is wonderful. Like yesterday when I got to sit and read in a coffee shop for 5 hours. Heaven. and then get to dance. And write. And not allow myself to think or do any work till the work week started up again. I’m experiencing what it means to rely on God and to work out of who I am and who He has created me to be and not what I do. it is freeing and beautiful. His grace is enough!

Brotherly love

I have guys in my life I just truly enjoy. In a purely friend, non-romantic way. Guys who are truly friends. Who value and appreciate me for me. Guys who I can count on. Guys who apologize when they make mistakes. Guys who pick on me and joke around with me like my own brother would. Guys who I truly appreciate and am glad they are in my life.

God has brought me a long way in even my willingness to let these relationships happen. But I am so grateful. These guys remind me how beautiful it is to have balance in my life. to have guys who are peers. Guys who are father figures. Guys who are like older brothers. Guys who are like younger brothers... in my life, who all remind me that I am valued in their lives. That my presence is a gift to them and is needed and wanted. I am really grateful.

currently reading

So, these books are totally rocking my world and causing a lot of reflection, mostly in my written journal until I finish them. Especially The Shack. God is using them in a huge way to push and pull me deeper into the depths of His heart and mine. They are helping me understand myself, the world around me, God, and my own brokenness and how it plays out in relationships with men and women, but how to overcome it with God's grace. I would highly recommend any of them.

These three books are all phenomenal and bring to the surface the depths of the human heart, the pains and the joys and the emotions normally tucked away...

“...sequestering his emotions securely in the padlocked basement of his own heart.”

But once released and acknowledged, bring us to new horizons.


The Shack – I think nearly everyone has heard about this in the last year, but great work of fiction… where fact meets fiction, and pushes our view of God and what spirituality really is about. I held out on reading this book for a long time because I'm leery of books that get a lot of hype but I am glad I caved. The hype is earned. But I was right in my feeling that this book would mess with me. (Which, I admit, is why I avoided it for so long.) And a friend told me today about what the author went through that inspired the book. More I cannot wait to write about when I'm finished. I kinda don't want to keep reading, but I can't put it down.


TrueFaced – Trust God and others with who you really are.

Great book for Christians desiring to live an authentic and genuine faith in general; excellent resource for recovery ministry and ministry in general.

The Wounded Heart - excellent resource for recovery ministry and or those who have been or work with survivors of abuse. and my cover looks better than this picture, they obviously did a good thing in revamping their cover cause i totally would've judged this book by its cover. jk

woah

Planning this women’s retreat has been a total god-thing.

Probably nothing has gotten any of us more excited than planning this in a long time.

I told my friend, it’s because we’re doing it not out of what we do, but who we are.

God has brought all these forces together to make something beautiful. Turned dreams into reality. and carried a vision and let it catch wind.

And it was hilarious, my friend, Jessica and I were talking about how this started on her dorm room bed.

Her dorm room bed.

And now it's like a professional looking retreat lol, she said as I showed her the rundown today.

That's what God does. It isn't anything we can claim. But He aligned His forces and brought them together with the perfect chemistry and something was birthed that was beautiful and alive. And we were commenting on how funny it is but how nice it is to work with women... everyone gets their task done when they say they're gonna do it lol, not to slam guys or anything but each of us has worked with guy equippers and it's usually pulling teeth to get details or plans out of them, this is like, woah, everyone remembers every little thing said at the meetings and everyone does their part, and 10% more. And we're learning how to fight for one another and how to let each other shine.

It is incredible.

And he gets all the glory.

Tonight, my friend said… nothing about this has been a strain. Ppl are begging to help. People are so excited to be there… this is how the body is supposed to work… every one of us is serving in the exact areas we need to be serving.

I like being in motion. I feel I've taken off running again and it feels great to feel and know my purpose, even in the smallest of every day things. Last few days have been non-stop. But I would have it no other way. I am caught in something much bigger than me. A reality more real than what I can see.

God is amazing. Today was an incredible day. I skipped something this morning cause I just needed to process everything that God has been teaching me the last few days. He is teaching me so much by what He's bringing and doing in my life. I can't even keep up and stopped trying to, but this morning I just spent talking with Him and getting filled up by Him. He's teaching me so many things that are changing how I see things. He is bringing people in my life who do not know or have any desire to know God who want to be my friend. He's teaching me how to love them even when I feel like a fish out of water in their "world." He is teaching me how to rely on Him for how to love and accept them for who they are but also how to be an influence on their lives. He is the only one I can look to when I feel completely and utterly inadequate.

To God be the glory.

He is sovereign and the God of peace even in the midst of constant motion. He promises we can experience stillness and be given the hope and strength we need to face another day.

The best day of my life

So that's a pretty bold and dramatic claim, but Saturday was definitely one of the best days of my life. I don’t even know where to begin putting it on paper but got to talk about it with my roommates, pastor, and some close friends last night. I have written my raw thoughts in my written journal and am glad I did that yesterday because now it doesn’t even feel real.

I still feel like it I dreamt it up or something. Too good to be true.

I was invited to attend a leadership retreat at Woodcrest and in the afternoon was a recovery leaders retreat. Our church has a beautiful partnership with them and we are currently developing a partnership with their recovery ministry. They are training and mentoring myself and 1-3 other staff members from our church to help us get recovery ministries, for issues surrounding emotional health and addictions, off the ground. Right now, while I am support raising still, we are seeing this as time for me to soak up training and get mentored by some of their key leaders. Our hope is to develop our groups modeled after their system in the fall, after observing and participating in some of their groups this semester.

There was so much that happened and was said that gave voice to some of the deepest dreams I’ve had within yet have never reached the surface or been expressed.

I still cannot believe it. It was so amazing.

Yesterday was like God saying, "yes" to a million questions and unspoken dreams and desires of my heart.

I was so overwhelmed with emotion but so excited at the same time, that as I was leaving the church (we got a break from 4-6 before dinner), I got in the car. My head was spinning.

I turned up the radio really loud.

What was I trying to drown out?

Well, it didn’t work.

I got about two blocks away from the church when tears started rolling down my cheeks.

Why are you crying?

I’m not sad.

What is going on.

The tears just kept coming.

I finally gave up fighting with God and resolved to go to our secret spot. Obviously we were going to process this NOW. lol. I just think it's funny that we think we know what we need better than God. I was hoping to go chill at Starbucks for a couple hours and finish The Shack, go home and change then go to dinner for the final session.

Oh no, this obviously couldn’t wait.

I get to the place where I drive to go and have some of the best times with God and by that time I am full out crying.

About what I still do not know.

All of a sudden, something Garrett had told me this summer as I was sharing my excitement for some of the ministries I was discovering in support raising, things in the inner-city and counseling things and recovery ministry of different types and how I desired to bring that to the campus church, he said, the more I think about it, the more that [recovery] is who you are.

We talked about his role and my role in launching recovery ministries at the Rock, as it was once on his heart, and is still something there, but not in the capacity of getting it up and running, but participating and leading in it…

He said, the more I think about it, this is who you ARE…

That was it. That’s what clicked as I was in the car, tears of who knows what flowing.

The things discussed and said today were things so deep inside of me…

They were some of the deepest parts of me…

I realized, recovery isn’t something that God has put ON my heart…

It IS my heart…

Everything they were saying just broke me because it wasn’t something I could separate from myself…

It was that overwhelming feeling of knowing this was the work you were created to do…

I got this overwhelming sense of calling that recovery is something I am called to for a lifetime, but it will look different in different seasons of my life.

The lady who leads the recovery ministry, as she was up there talking, I was floored she is someone in my life as a mentor and a guide.

As she was talking, I was floored… in 25 years, I want to be like her.

That was my prayer.

That I would have be a fully devoted disciple of Christ and have a tender and compassionate heart. That I would be more in love with Jesus then than I am now. That my life would be a reflection of His glory and His unfailing love.

She started on this same path 25 years ago. As she’s been in ministry since the year I was born.

I look at her, and even how her husband described her at the meeting, recovery is something she lives and breathes… it it how God has fashioned her heart…

And I got so excited about the role of recovery within a church. How effective churches are catching on to this necessary and vital component of heart care.

It is an element that will look very different for a campus church, but one that is needed none the less. The more I am in community churches, especially in this support raising period, the more I know for this season, I was created for the campus church. Everything we were talking about yesterday, I was just dreaming about what it would do in our church, what it would do for our campus and how we go about influencing this next generation for Christ...

It just got me more fired up for the opportunity we have on campus to intersect people's lives at such a critical time, to be there to embrace the mess and help them walk out of it God's way.

Yesterday was one of those days where I got a glimpse into 5, 10, 25 years down the road.

I’m really not married to what recovery or my job looks like at a campus church, or at a women’s shelter, or in an African country, or in the inner-city, all of those things could happen, they could not (or other things God has in my future that I have no idea about), but what I am even more excited about is the power of the local church and the transforming power of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

That is my hope.

That’s the only thing I can place my life in. Jesus is the only thing I’m really sure about when it comes to my future. And because of that security, I can trust Him to lead this journey wherever it takes me. It really doesn't matter to me where it is, or who it's with or what it looks like. Yesterday was the confirmation of a calling I did not choose or sign up for, but one I was brought here to live out for the glory of God.

Yesterday doesn’t even seem real.

It was just so amazing to be around people who speak the same language and are like-minded in helping create a safe place for people – the churched and de-churched to enter into the reality of Jesus Christ.

One of the vehicles to that is recovery.

The reality is people in and out of our churches are more broken than ever.

They are broken and they are hurting. And in need of healing.

An inner healing that can come only from the Power of God. A power that will revolutionize this world.

More on all of this soon.

TrueFaced

No more lying then. Everyone must tell the truth to his fellow believers because we are all members together in the body of Christ. Ephesians 4:25

So a couple months ago, after talking with recovery ministry leaders at Woodcrest, another church in town, one of them spoke highly of these daily devotionals from the National Assocation for Christian Recovery (NACR). They are phenomenal and I always want to post them but forget to. Today's is great and highlights a core principle for recovery: honesty.

From NACR:

"Honesty is essential to recovery. Honesty is essential to intimacy. But honesty is not easy.

We were not created to be isolated, independent creatures. We were created
to be interdependent. We need each other. And in order for us to be helped
by others and to be helpful to others, we need to practice honesty. That
means we must learn how to talk to each other about our thoughts and our
feelings and our needs. We must learn to talk about our struggles and failures,
about our dreams and our successes.

Honesty is the soil in which intimate relationships grow. It creates the
possibility of being known and loved for who we really are. But it is also
full of risks. If we tell the truth about ourselves, people may not listen.
They may not want to know. They may not understand. They may judge and reject.
They may dislike us. They may give us simple answers to unanswerable questions.
They may repeat what we have said to others.

We hesitate to be honest because we have experienced these things in the
past. Our feelings may have been minimized. Our thoughts may have been devalued.
Our reality may have been denied. But in order to grow healthy relationships,
in order to heal and recover, we need to begin to take risks. Learning honesty
will be a process for us. It will not come quickly. But as we practice the
disciplines of honesty we gradually become more secure in telling the truth.

I am tired of lying, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
But I am afraid of honesty, Lord.
It's not as easy as it sounds.
Help me to pursue honesty today.
Help me to be honest with you.
Help me to be honest with myself.
Help me to build a community of faith
where honesty is the norm.
Build in me a capacity for truth.
Amen."

- NACR daily meditation

Shelter From The Storm

God is delivering me and bringing me to shelter from the storm. This devotional really spoke to me and has captured how I'd describe the recent trials in my life, something I can write about only as things have calmed down and He's bringing me into a clearing... He is faithful and He saves us just when we think we're gonna break...

Another beautiful Stream in the Desert:

A furious squall came up. (Mark 4:37)

"Some of life’s storms—a great sorrow, a bitter disappointment, a crushing defeat—suddenly come upon us. Others may come slowly, appearing on the uneven edge of the horizon no larger than a person’s hand. But trouble that seems so insignificant spreads until it covers the sky and overwhelms us.

Yet it is in the storm that God equips us for service. When God wants an oak tree, He plants it where the storms will shake it and the rains will beat down upon it. It is in the midnight battle with the elements that the oak develops its rugged fiber and becomes the king of the forest.

When God wants to make a person, He puts him into some storm. The history of humankind has always been rough and rugged. No one is complete until he has been out into the surge of the storm and has found the glorious fulfillment of the prayer “O God, take me, break me, make me.”

A Frenchman painted a picture of universal genius. In his painting stand famous orators, philosophers, and martyrs, all of whom have achieved preeminence in various aspects of life. The remarkable fact about the picture is this: every person who is preeminent for his ability was first preeminent for suffering. In the foreground stands the figure of the man who was denied the Promised Land: Moses. Beside him, feeling his way, is blind Homer. Milton is there, blind and heartbroken. Then there is the form of One who towers above them all. What is His characteristic? His face is marred more than any other. The artist might have titled that great picture The Storm.

The beauties of nature come after the storm. The rugged beauty of the mountain is born in a storm, and the heroes of life are the storm-swept and battle-scarred.

You have been in the storms and swept by the raging winds. Have they left you broken, weary, and beaten in the valley, or have they lifted you to the sunlit summits of a richer, deeper, more abiding manhood or womanhood? Have they left you with more sympathy for the storm-swept and the battle-scarred?"

- Streams in the Desert

mags goes halle

cause every woman needs an emotional haircut...

chillin' at our bachelorette pad.

it's all gone!

Me and my girl/roomie, Jenni!

A lot on my mind…

God is doing something in my brother’s life. I am trying my hardest not to mess it up lol but to cooperate with God on whatever he is doing.

But He is awakening his heart.

I’m learning how to relate to my brother as an adult. As a boy becoming a man. I am learning more about his personality and who he has become.

He has been calling me recently. A lot. Which is huge for the person who only communicates in text.

Something’s going on there.

He’s called twice in the last couple weeks just to say hi and see how I’m doing. The second time on Sunday caught me off guard because he wasn’t calling for a reason but just to check in, hadn’t talked to me in a while (even though we had talked maybe mid-last week.) it was kinda interesting to not be in the pursuer role with me, and instead of me playing the big sister/mom role and checking to see how he’s doing, I’m transitioning over the last few years to just being the sister.

He visited The Crossing, a church here in town, on Sunday. He’s been asking stuff about wanting to find some Christian roommates from the team. He picked the Crossing because the team chaplain is on staff there and a lot of his teammates go there.

He is searching. I'm seeing God all over this.

He is hungry. And God is awakening his heart. We went out to dinner tonight and it was great. I gave him To Own a Dragon as one of his Christmas presents and he might join me at a coffee shop tomorrow to read it while I work. This is so weird but exciting for me at the same time because it has been years, at least since he was in high school of me trying to initiate this kind of relationship with him and now he is responding and truly wanting this friendship and is intrigued by my life. We've always been close, but our relationship changed a lot when he went away to college and even more so since he transferred back here to Mizzou.

He’s lonely and wanting something more. Two of his roommates are moving out to join a frat and he got invited be turned them down. He said he was debating over the last week since all of his friends that are not on the team will now be in it.

Something’s going on there. I can’t see all of what. But I am excited. I’ve been praying for a while that Jesus would totally meet Him. Once one encounters the Lord, there is no turning back. I don’t want it to be me or the chaplain’s influence, or anything else, but the living God that affects Him. I want to play my part and let God do His. I am praying God would melt His heart. He is slowly awakening it, bringing Him to desire and question if there is more to life than the life He is already living. God, I pray you’d bring solid Christian guys in His life that can help Him find God and that you would be an undeniable presence in His life.

I pray this year would be the year my brother would begin a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. The greatest moment of his life. I pray that Jesus would be real to Him and He'd encounter Him in a way He cannot deny was God. I pray you'd bring him home.

grace:::unrestricted love

I'm experiencing the Father's grace in my life.

Tonight, was another case where I was given gifts I do not deserve. Generosity blows me away I think because it unmasks our world for everything that it is and has become and reminds me of the Father's goodness. I was given a free computer a few weeks ago.

Tonight, I was given a ton of free stuff... and stuff that I really need. I am so grateful. I have seen the Father's grace in my life so many times in this last week.

"Grace is the freely given unmerited favor and love of God. Grace is also the influence of the Spirit of God operating in us to regenerate (that is to renew, restore) and strengthen us. It is also the unconditional love and acceptance of God."

i’ve been in a fight to love myself.

So, I was looking for this picture of female soldier on my old blog, cause it's one of my favs and we all know I love camo and princess warriors. Then, I read the post. I am reposting most of it. Huh, funny how something written September 24, 2006 echoes my heart right now. nearly. again. I'm in a different place in the fight than when this was written because my heart is no longer discouraged and I am able to see what's going on around me, but the parts that relate to now I kept. This captures a lot of my desire for what God is doing in my life through this, for me, for Him, for our relationship, for others... He came to set the captives free...

From Sept. 24, 2006:

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

“The way you see your life shapes your life.”

“Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days.”

Sometimes when God starts shedding light on something in my life, my knee-jerk reaction is to not want to see it for all that it is, yet that very thing will not let me go until I face it head-on and set out to conquer it… He disciplines the ones He loves, He reveals things in us we’re disgusted to see but it is all fueled by His desire to continue to bring me to Himself. He sees me at the core of who I am and wants me to know His freedom… knowing that once I’m unhindered, I can be a fragrance, a reflection of His glory to this broken world.

I want to start living in the reality of who He is and who I am.

Let this be my redemption song, I am my Beloved’s and He is mine.

Nothing worth fighting for comes easy.

This is the lesson I am learning and have picked back up my sword and gotten the courage to keep fighting in this battle. On so many fronts.

fight for your dreams. fight for your heart. fight for the things god's created you to do. fight for yourself. fight for others around you. fight and throw yourself in enemy territory, and how did i expect to not be constantly dodging, sometimes taking bullets...

When the bullets are flying so fast and furious around you, those are the days you wonder if you’re on the winning side. Those are the days you wonder when the fight will be over, so you know how long you’ve got to keep on truckin’.

I had an older lady I’ve started meeting with pour into me yesterday. Like, pour in. Love. Wisdom. Truth. Someone believing in me and seeing me for who I really am and wanting to enter in and fight for me.

I had forgotten what that feels like. I tried talking about her or asking how she was but then realized, oh yeah... we were there for me. It's so different when you have gotten so used to being on the other side of the table. It was like I didn't know how to operate in that type of relationship with an older woman again, but I am so grateful.

She helped me see so many things that were going on, and as someone who has been in ministry for 17 years, she told me the bullets will continue flying “so fast and furious” and there will be days you’re hearing so many lies, you won’t even know what is the truth. These were words from someone whose been in the battle … a long time.

Who could relate and say, everything you are experiencing is real… you will be attacked… you will have everything you’ve put on the line tested… you will have to fight extra hard to see what is a lie you are believing and what is truth. And this wasn't from someone who has just had a success story, she shared how to Satan completely took her out when she was my age, with all these lies as she was entering ministry. (took a 5 yr. departure and now is back in bi-vocationally but saw a lot of her dreams get snatched.

"Satan won. And I don't want Him to win now. You are not imagining it."

I realized there are several lies that have crept in undetected over the last two months. Some of them devastating. And have had long-lasting effects. They have been an attack on my confidence, my self-worth, fear and feeling of failure, where my value comes from, and trust.

Satan knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t tell you the same lies over and over again. They get sneakier. Well, I know how to decipher lies from truth, that’s like the first thing you learn in counseling…

But my have they gotten more stealthy… and more deceptive…

She’s helping me create a safety net. She told me leaders need a net of protection.

Last week I began making steps of how to have some of the key people in my life know what has been going on and let them know who and how I’d be walking through this.

I am not alone.

God has provided… abundantly. I look back at how I’ve been praying for the last 2 and a half years for older women in my life again. I waited. And prayed. And knew it would be a necessity if I was going to be on an all male staff team (at that point I didn’t know two other girls who are coming on staff were going to).

Now, in support-raising, God has provided all of these women who are desiring to build into me, to invite me into their lives to be a part of their families, to pour into me, to be listening ear, or to talk ministry with and impart wisdom and advice… It is unbelievable. I’m like where did they come from. God said, go and meet people in all these other places to find a support team, and look what He did/is doing along the way. Giving me more than I could've ever asked for or imagined. And finding ways to build my career in ministry with people who will help sustain it and be a support to me as I pour into others.

And the biggest blessing has been in women who are walking with me now through a situation that occurred a couple months ago that has been very intense and has long-term effects.

I have never had a Christian woman in my life who has walked this road. I cannot even describe the amount of vulnerability and understanding and connection that is already there because of that shared experience. There are things my friends and my pastor will never fully be able to grasp simple because they have never walked that road. There are things she said and mentioned on the phone last week that I have felt for years but never knew were real or how to voice. It is incredible. And I made a plan last week and got my friends and mentors involved so they know what’s going on and the next steps and for accountability to be faithful in getting the help needed.

I don’t feel alone. I have people walking with me in a way I never knew was possible.

God is faithful.
He is faithful and he is so good to us.
He never forgets us.
He is always working for our good. In joy or pain.

His love is the same.
He never changes.
His promises are always true.
We can count on His character.
We can depend upon His word.

He comforts my soul, and whispers, hush, my child, do not let your heart me troubled… Trust in the Father, Jesus whispers, and trust also in Me.

I am deeply loved.
By the one true God.
Held, safe, and secure in the Father's arms as this soldier picks up her sword again and keeps on marching.

Alive

"Feels like lightening running through my veins..."

You have restored me…

The moth that never took flight.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18)

"I once kept a bottle-shaped cocoon of an emperor moth for nearly one year. The cocoon was very strange in its construction. The neck of the “bottle” had a narrow opening through which the mature insect forces its way. Therefore the abandoned cocoon is as perfect as one still inhabited, with no tearing of the interwoven fibers having taken place. The great disparity between the size of the opening and the size of the imprisoned insect makes a person wonder how the moth ever exits at all. Of course it is never accomplished without great labor and difficulty. It is believed the pressure to which the moth’s body is subjected when passing through such a narrow opening is nature’s way of forcing fluids into the wings, since they are less developed at the time of emerging from the cocoon than in other insects.

I happened to witness the first efforts of my imprisoned moth to escape from its long confinement. All morning I watched it patiently striving and struggling to be free.

It never seemed to get beyond a certain point, and at last my patience was exhausted. The confining fibers were probably drier and less elastic than if the cocoon had been left all winter in its native habitat, as nature meant it to be. In any case, I thought I was wiser and more compassionate than its Maker, so I resolved to give it a helping hand. With the point of my scissors, I snipped the confining threads to make the exist just a little easier. Immediately and with perfect ease, my moth crawled out, dragging a huge swollen body and little shriveled wings!

I watched in vain to see the marvelous process of expansion in which these wings would silently and swiftly develop before my eyes. As I examined the delicately beautiful spots and markings of various colors that were all there in miniature, I longed to see them assume their full size. I looked for my mouth, one of the loveliest of its kind, to appear in all its perfect beauty. But I looked in vain. My misplaced tenderness had proved to be its ruin.

The moth suffered an aborted life, crawling painfully through its brief existence instead of flying through the air on rainbow wings.

I have thought of my moth often, especially when watching with tearful eyes those who were struggling with sorrow, suffering, and distress. My tendency would be to quickly alleviate the discipline and bring deliverance. O shortsighted person that I am! How do I know that one of these pains or groans should be relieved? The farsighted, perfect love that seeks the perfection of its object does not shrink away from present, momentary suffering. Our Father’s love is too steadfast to be weak. Because He loves His children, He “disciplines us… that we may share in his holiness” (Heb. 12:10). With this glorious purpose in sight, He does not relieve our crying. Made perfect through suffering, as our Elder Brother was, we children of God are disciplined to make us obedient, and brought to glory through much tribulation."

- Streams in the Desert

A Grief Observed

"Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape . . . not every bend does. Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are present with exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isn't a circular trench. But it isn't. There are partial recurrences, but the sequence doesn't repeat."

C.S. Lewis

The darkness beneath her light.

For Mother Teresa, that darkness was the dominant character of her spiritual life.

"If I ever become a saint, I will surely be one of 'darkness'," she wrote. "I will continually be absent from heaven -- to light the light of those in darkness on Earth."

Does doubt belong to faith?

I found the article above very interesting as scholars and theologians wrestle with the inner darkness in the souls of some of the greatest saints and if that calls into question the existence of God. Come Be My Light reveals more of Mother Teresa’s true inner dialogue with Her Savior, a picture of intimacy that didn’t happen overnight, but was produced through a lifetime of “yes’s” to God, moment-by-moment and decision by decision.

I also see a lot of truth in the place of doubt and darkness in one living by faith. I look at all of the people I know who live incredible lives for GOD, all of them have always wrestled and still live with an incredible amount of darkness. The more I am following Christ into enemy territory for lost souls, the more I am seeing this is just a reality to be embraced.

Every great soul possesses a darkness beneath a great light.

The heart: wounded::ransomed::redeemed

“I sought the LORD, and he answered me
he delivered me from all my fears.”

psalm 34:4

“True hope never minimizes a problem in order to make it more palatable and easily managed. For the Christian, hope begins by recognizing the utter hopelessness of our condition and the necessity of divine intervention, if we are to experience true joy… A proper focus on the deep wound is therefore neither negative nor does it promote despair. Rather, it sets the stage for the dramatic work of God.”

The Wounded Heart

walk with God

"Don't just marry someone who believes in God, marry someone who walks with Him... who worships Him..."
- Mark Driscoll

the sad thing is the true spiritual condition in the hearts of most christians, it's not something new, but as mark driscoll pointed out in a sermon i just listened to today, many christians do not walk with god.

what is happening?

“Walk with God as Noah did; when the flood came, Noah was saved amidst the scorn and rejection of his neighbors.

Walk with God as Moses did in the solitude of the desert; when the hour of judgment fell upon Egypt, Moses was prepared to lead his people to victory.

Walk with God as David did as a shepherd boy; when he was called to rule his people he was prepared for the task of kingship.

Walk with God as Daniel and his three young friends did in the palace of Babylon’s king; when the fiery furnace and the lion’s den came, God was beside them and delivered them.

No, God didn’t always deliver His saints from adversity or even death, nor does He today. But because they had learned to trust Him in the light, they were prepared to follow Him in the darkness.

God has not promised to deliver us from trouble, but He has promised to go with us through the trouble. “Yea, though I walk in through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you are with me.” (Psalm 23:4)”

- Billy Graham

the prolonged "Yes"

“This my new vocation has been one prolonged “Yes” to God… my conviction that “the work is His”—is more than the reality… I know for certain He asked—“Will you do this for Me” Everything was His—Today His work has grown because it is He not I that do it through me.

Of this I am so convinced—that I would give my life gladly to prove it.”
– Mother Teresa, Come Be My Light

Part of why I love this book is it makes Mother Teresa human. It places her on the same page of every other Christ follower living day by day in the normal pains and joys of everyday life seeking to do His will. One of her secrets that set her apart was her resolve to please God, no matter what. In her private writings, I see a heart raw and real and fully surrendered to the Lord and His will. She lived her life for Jesus and therefore lived her life for others to know Him. She is a beautiful example of the true nature of what it means to follow Christ and to die daily. She burned with a passionate burden for others. A burden placed there by the Lord that only He could fulfill.

"Advocate mode"

I don’t know why but I know that somehow God created me to pursue social justice for the sake of the gospel. I am very passionate about the two coming together. The two go hand in hand in more ways than modern day American Christianity makes a reality, but it has to start and end with the gospel.

Somehow in his grand scheme of redemption, my part in His story involves using the areas where I’ve been deeply wounded and the life I’ve found in Him since that to speak to others in the midst of that darkness.

A friend came over to me yesterday in one my coffee shops/offices and tried saying hi, I didn’t respond right away, you look so intense she said.

"I’m talking with a client," I mouthed. Most of my friends who have been around when I get phone calls like this know by those five words what that means.

Little did she know the client was a friend.

Very few of my friends have seen me go into “advocate mode,” but it is like a switch is flipped on.

“How would you define rape?”

Were the first words out of her mouth, there was no hello, no nothing.

I didn’t skip a beat in asking the first question we’d ask if someone were to call the hotline, "are you safe right now, are you okay?"

My answers came as I tried to figure out the situation and what she was really asking. I defined the difference to her between rape and sexual assault and every question she asked was a common misconception we work to debunk.

But something is unleashed within that I cannot explain. It is a part of God’s plan.

I’m seeing how the worlds of social work and social justice are intricately connected to the church in ways I cannot express most days. But I knew when I made my decision to work in vocational ministry full-time with a church versus with a women’s shelter as my place of ministry, that I would still need to stay connected at the Shelter. It was always be a part of my role in the Kingdom of God and will probably change from season to season.

It is a part of who God’s made me to be.

Last night reminded me of that.

The first thing we learn at Shelter staff training is that an advocate literally means to “add voice.”

We give voice to those unable to speak and defend themselves.

It is the same with those laboring for the gospel.

We give voice and fight on their behalf and cooperate with God’s plan to bring them back to Him.

We serve as an advocate, for our ultimate advocate, Jesus, who still speaks and acts and works on our behalf before the Father.

Another thing that has floored me was how much God has intersected the two worlds in the last two years I had been bi-vocational.

Girls at church that I either know extremely well or that I have never had a conversation with approach me if this is an issue in their lives simply in either knowing my story or someone told them I work at a Shelter. God has impressed upon my heart that it is part of my place within the body, to shed light on these issues and bring hurting men and women to the reality and redemption of Christ whose lives have been severely injured by this devastating sin.

It is no different from those on our staff team or within our church who have dealt with other issues personally. They automatically become a safe place for others and God uses them mightily to reach others in bondage.

He came to set the captives free.

And he uses former captives to do it.

It scared me but put me to rest that I wasn’t surprised that my friend was dealing with this. When I give presentations with this lady who is like my hero at The Shelter, Kelley, she always starts it off (this is to high school girls) with, if you don’t think you need to pay attention to this because you think this doesn’t affect you or have anything to do with your life, I want you to look around the room.

(at this point we have numbered off every fourth person and have every fourth person stand up, in a room of 100 girls, 25 would have been sexually abused or assaulted in her lifetime).

Take a look, she will say as she lets it sink in, this could be your mom, your best friend, your sister, your daughter…

If you think this issue doesn’t pertain to you, you are mistaken.

Witnessing the inner workings of a non-profit that is not faith-based, I think I see how much everything they stand for is really the same things the church stands for, but it’s a different cause.

To pursue social justice for the sake of social justice is one thing.

But as Christians, how we can really be a part of revolutionizing the world around us is pursuing social justice for the sake of the gospel.

It has to start and end with the gospel.

I’ve described this to a lot of friends, but the work I do at the Shelter is just as spiritual. The principles and the concepts are Jesus. We just call it two different things and those working have two different motivations. One without a faith in Jesus is working to restore others back to themselves. One with a living faith in Jesus is working to restore others back to God.

I've also seen this play out the other way, where I end up doing way more domestic violence and sexual assault crisis work outside of the Shelter and on campus. Some of these girls go to our church, some just girls in the dorm who are friends of a friend who goes to The Rock.

I didn’t even realize that I was in that mode until my friend came up, but the way I was asking questions and the look on my view and the intensity in my demeanor, she said it was a whole other side of her she hasn’t seen. I explained to her later I guess I didn’t know I was in “advocate mode” as she described it.

I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I don’t have to know how God intends it to be worked out, I just know God is putting burdens on people’s hearts and moving them to action, for me it is the form of restoring beauty that was once devastated by victimization, whatever form that looks, on a college campus, in the streets of where I live, in the inner city, in a foreign country. It doesn’t matter. People are people. And sin is devastating the land. But we are not without hope.

We have a Savior who has come back for His people.

One broken mess at a time.