So, in the midst of processing The Shack and all the billions ways God was using it to intersect my life, this note caught my attention on a friend's wall. It is brilliant. It captured a lot of my present and recent experiences with God, Brokenness, Pain and Redemption that I have yet found words to express publicly. I bolded the parts that really resonated with me.
From Sam Kruvand:
"Caveat: While I have some remarks to make about this phenomenon which swept the world of popular fiction called “The Shack”, I’d like to delineate some recent thoughts I’ve had on suffering, and wed them with some of the larger themes I found in Wm. Young’s bestseller. I’d only ask for your attention and your input should you choose to “speak”, as we engage this discussion.
By now you have probably realized (if you’ve read any of my past posts) that I’m not much concerned with length. Indeed, if more than 5 minutes of your time in our Attention Deficit generation would be rather spent jumping to the next wall or scanning the newsfeed, by all means carry on. Not everyone enjoys reading my style or content, and for that I am entirely sympathetic.
Secondly, I try to remain as real as possible which means I don’t hold much back. I have found that in community, growth, and communication, the open honesty policy is of chief importance. For this entry, however, I have held some things for reasons “which reason knows not”. If you have questions, I’ll gladly answer them in person.
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“Don’t worry, everything is going to be ok. God only gives us as much as we can handle”
I know I speak for many when I say that I’ve heard this statement before. Whether it be from well meaning church goers or the spiritually superstitious, it seems to be a common thread in the mainstream of modern American Christianity.
When I look at scripture in light of this popular “inference”, however, I simply can’t find the support -At least, not the sort that would make sense of the above wording. I’ll come back to that. For even before scripture, my own experiences have taught me otherwise, which I am thankful for.
In a culture where spirituality has been politicized and politics spiritualized, the garbled messages from media and modern Christian thought must be sifted through a filter, and that filter must be unwavering in the word of God, that which has and will outlast all the ideas of our day. (Isaiah 40:8)
One of the benefits of the historical scholar (which I am not, but which C.S. Lewis praised) is that he or she may gain the perspective of having lived in many places and times, so to speak, and may see with more clarity the duplicity of the imitations we hail as original and brilliant – from the political to the spiritual. But that statement must suffice for now because this reflection will not be concerned primarily with it. (See Lewis’ Weight of Glory, p.58) May we see with that same clarity as we look into the issue of suffering and the “great cataract of nonsense” that pours forth from our present age.
“Bend, not break . . .” You can never be too careful, play it safe, avoid those harmful endeavors, stay away from the emotions and the heart, avoid the vulnerable places, take the safe road, etc. etc. I think we’ve heard it all before. No matter what area of life we are progressing in, there seems to be a common goal of comfort and contentment. Death is the number one evil, and following whatever makes you happy is what’s important. Careful to avoid serious entanglements! Always seek to bend, not break.
These are messages we receive as a whole in this society. They permeate our lives. Kevin Teasley said it well, relating it back to the context of Christianity,
“We want gradual, escalating glory, and diminishing pain”And he was right. What a poignant deduction. I think when we are honest with ourselves, we find these desires at the core, often jousting with our love for God and those desires to be changed and used by Him.
The process of breaking and the events which set my mind thinking down this line of thought have revealed that I am, in many ways, all about that comfort and contentment. I think it is natural that we should want these things. And I’m not saying they are altogether bad. But what I see in statements like the above (that God only gives us what we can bear), and what creeps into our theology I think, are lies from the present age that we are too often deceived by.
In truth, I see a good principle in the thought. That principle lies primarily with the character of God. 1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And the Lord is faithful, He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.”
On the surface it may seem like the first verse from Corinthians supports the original inference, namely, that God never gives us more than we can handle. However, the context (most often from my experience) in which that statement is exhausted, has little to do with temptation and everything to do with those factors that no one can help (except for, presumably, God). To name a few - the accidental death, the unfortunate bankruptcy, the uncanny disease or the poor timing of famines and floods (famines and floods may sound a bit archaic to some of us, but let us be reminded that most of the world’s population hovers in and out of poverty, and still relies heavily upon agriculture and the whims of storm and sea). Even when personal negligence is absent, some of the best and the brightest are crippled by life’s burdens, apart from temptation. All the nice guys finish last . . . well, sometimes they do.
But we run a race that doesn’t end here, and the determining factors of failure and success are simply not of this world.
Philippians 1:6 “…he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
This second reference gives us confidence that we are not merely left wandering after facing great challenges, but being drawn to the completion of something greater.
Jesus Christ himself reminds us that we must pick up our crosses daily and follow Him. He said himself that we will find trouble in this world.
Suffering often viewed in a sacred and positive light by the Word, much in contrast to the way we look at it culturally. If you scan any of the following, I think you may be surprised to see scripture’s take on it.
1 Peter 3:17,4:13,16
Romans 5:2-5, 8:17,18
Acts 5:41
2 Timothy 1:8
Philippians 3:10
These references not only speak of good things that come from our trials or sufferings, but also exhort us in them.
But I bring all these references about suffering forward to put this next thought in perspective.I would suggest that we must be broken completely – a rendering of our whole hearts is necessary before anything else can be achieved. There are times when we must break, not bend. For God does not want our words and our actions even as much as He wants our hearts, partially because from the heart all these things will flow. Also, it is the core of our being, not the outer shell of our existence. Forbid that we make the error of the Pharisees, lest we be like white washed tombs (Matthew 23:27). Isaiah 29:13 in paraphrase, “they honor me with their lips but their hearts are far from me.” It is tragic to think that our cultural appetites might distort our attitude toward the Savior.
One of my favorite artists, founder of the International Arts Movement (IAM) and working from New York City, Makoto Fujimura, says it this way
“In order to find hope, even in the midst of the broken and torn fragments of relationships, in order to begin to journey into the heart of the divide, we must first wrestle with the deeper issues of faith. We must be willing to be broken ourselves into prismatic shards by the Master Artist, God, so that Christ’s light can be refracted in us.”
But we think we’ve pinned God down. We’ve made Him irrelevant; He’s just the cranky old moralist in the sky, waiting to lower the proverbial “boom”- To the modernist, a comic tragedy. Comic because of the ridiculous chaos of life, and tragic because He of course doesn’t exist – and that’s true, this god isn’t real. But in his arrogance, man has suggested that he is the measure of all things, replacing God. He has attempted to climb out of his mortal cage (most likely due to the inklings within all of us that suggest we were made for much more than this) and declare his own greatness. But compared to the Maker, to the one who cannot be confined by a mere poem or a vast planet, whose glory exceeds the sun rising and the deep of space – I daresay we are the comic tragedy -Comic because of our asinine persistence; tragic because we are thus alienated.
Agreeing with some of the sentiments of the Shack, truly, God is not simply another priority. If He’s competing on a list for our attention, then He will never remain on top because of our nature, by definition. But if He is the source from which our priorities flow, if He is the mainstay in our ever-shifting world of needs and desires, a life well lived will be the beautiful evidence. That all things would flow from His life in us; that grace would move us to Him and lead us to look at others before ourselves. Yet the timing of that grace eludes our human understanding, and probably for good reason. But before I get in over my head (probably too late, ha) let me bring the focus back to what’s at stake here – our own security in what we “think” is true. Our human nature is to desire control, an afterthought (or perhaps forethought) of seeking knowledge in the garden from that forbidden tree. To be given what we can handle serves as a measure of comfort to our humanity, because we don’t like the realms of uncertainty. We largely distrust authority as it is, but to be told that our lives rest not in our own hands but in the hands of one much more powerful and elusive than we could even know is downright frightening. It may evoke such a response that we simply can’t handle the truth of it. Ah, we begin to break, even from the implication of the thought. Yet, we forget a powerful truth that functions alongside this one, and that is God’s goodness. Thus the question is not whether we believe God will only give us what we can handle (as I hope you see at this point, is incredibly false) but whether we trust in His goodness in the thick of tragedy and sometimes, despair.
For those who have not read the Shack, let me briefly (ha) fill you in. Mack is an older man whose little girl Missy was abducted and murdered four years before the book takes place. The book is largely about a fantastic meeting with God in which God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are characterized, and has a complex and powerful message about forgiveness. For anyone who has experienced the darker sides of life, it is a journey through some of the ugliest and raw emotions -ugly because of their faithlessness and raw because of their pain. I would be lying if I said I didn’t deal with my own tears in the first seventy pages, and then some. There is this thing called timing, and God’s is perfect. Reading the Shack was the final blow to make me break, and so I did. It was, what I like to call, “more than I bargained for”. And while I have a great love for that book, I have some serious reservations about it as well. And it was a difficult journey for my own heart. But those are conversations for another time. What I’m interested in here is the Brokenness. This is something cherished by the follower of Christ – for it is brokenness that leads us to true repentance; it is in being torn down that we may be rebuilt; it is in dying that we may be reborn.
Paul says this, 2 Corinthians 12:10 “That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
He had his strength taken, that He would rely on the strength of the Living God. That is how I define brokenness; the complete absence of our own strength.
But I think it is brushed under the rug too often when we “play church” sometimes. Brokenness is not a fun process. And since we tend to flee, as already stated, in our society and as humans, from those things which cause us discomfort, we face difficult words from the Gospel. But let us not change the Gospel to mold our own god; we must be molded by Him, if any real work of restoration is to be done.
Ya’ll, this is no easy thing. To say that our hearts are required, and that our center, our timid, selfish, greedy natures are what God is truly after, is a bit frightening. But dying to oneself (as we are called to do by scripture) will of course require a bit of pain and discomfort, perhaps more than just a bit. The way we’ve always been (and we really, really don’t like change (intrinsically) will not be an easy transformation. It is not, most often, the flicking of a switch, or the simple clarification that a single retreat, message, or seminar may bring. I’ve said before and I’ll reiterate – we are in process – thus, all of this takes time - and persistence that we, of ourselves, do not have.
Ergo, the wording in the statement, in my opinion ought to read, rather than God giving us as much as we can handle – that God seems to give us more than we can handle, and in so doing draws us back to himself. When our eyes are locked on ourselves (here I draw from extensive selfishness) it will only be from being overwhelmed that they are turned to God. And one could argue that the breaking either softens your heart to the one who heals, or hardens it to the world and all its madness. This would also explain the polarity of responses that humans have to suffering. But let me cap this with the words of a man far wiser than myself, and I’ll see if I can’t wrap up what I’m trying to say.
“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” – C.S. Lewis
Do I like this? Emphatically, NO. Breaking is a part of that “lost art of living” which I would rather not come to terms with, because it can be terrible. But those things which we are thankful for that we can never see in the “midst of it all” have taught me to reluctantly submit, often tearful and frustrated from the process. I have come to see that the most growth blooms in those deserts, and to be cherished more than the escape of “momentary and light affliction” are those rare glimpses we get of God’s heart when we die to ourselves. The words of Paul are also some comfort (no small measure indeed) as he writes to the Romans 8:18 “I consider our present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in us”. Ah, but to hope in what we can neither see nor entirely understand tries us at times. Yes, it does. But how wonderful hope is, renewed to the weary soul that has been displaced and bewildered by the chaos and sin of life.
Some of you may be thinking, now Sam, “isn’t this all just a bit too technical, I mean, c’mon, chill out, it’s not that big of a deal, just a few minor words”. And in the past, I might have agreed with you, but I have come to learn this principle: Often our gravest errors are in those details. Next time you encounter the child who has just lost his parents to divorce, or the man pondering the gun because he’s gone bankrupt, or the perhaps the Mack whose daughter has been abducted, or maybe the student who can’t make ends meet because she works two jobs and still can’t provide . . . I would gently ask you to count your words carefully, and remember that we serve a God who treats us as we are, in the words of Dr. Ravi Zacharias: Brittle clay in His tender hands. We just may forgive the backstabbers, the liars, the murderers and thieves, (and be forgiven ourselves), but I daresay we must be broken first, for we have stubborn and proud hearts that are too easily hardened. So let us check our attitudes toward suffering and hardship, and let us count with Paul that there is strength in our weakness, lest we forget that clay pots must be broken in order to be reformed.
You know, I suppose that any sort of message that speaks about the importance of suffering or the reality of our own “lostness” and true need for Christ will not be inherently popular. On the surface, I don’t even like it, and I’m the one writing in this case! I also suppose, as stated earlier, that any message outlasting the attention span of its readers will suffer from the same neglect.
But strive with me as we engage in these difficult subjects – let us ask God for the eyes to see and to read of His word, and find what His wisdom has to say. May the flow of His grace not cease to carry us in our many errors."
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thinking with Makoto: Beauty Without Regret
“The layers of azurite pigments, spread over paper as I let the granular pigments cascade. My eyes see much more than what my mind can organize. As the light becomes trapped within pigments, a "grace arena" is created, as the light is broken, and trapped in refraction. Yet, my gestures are limited, contained, and gravity pulls the pigments like a kind friend.Every beauty suffers. A research scientist friend once told me that the autumn leaves are most beautiful on the trees by the roadside because they happen to be distressed by the salt and pollution. Every sunset is a reminder of the impending death of Nature herself. The minerals I use must be pulverized to bring out their beauty. The Japanese were right in associating beauty with death.
Art cannot be divorced from faith, for to do so is to literally close our eyes to that beauty of the dying sun setting all around us. Death spreads all over our lives and therefore faith must be given to see through the darkness, to see through the beauty of "the valley of the shadow of death".
Prayers are given, too, in the layers of broken, pulverized pigments. Beauty is in the brokenness, not in what we can conceive as the perfections, not in the "finished" images but in the incomplete gestures. Now, I await for my paintings to reveal themselves. Perhaps I will find myself rising through the ashes, through the beauty of such broken limitations.”
- Makoto Fujimura
*essay and painting by Makoto Fujimura
idols
you will never satisfy.
you can never give me what I truly want.
you can never give me what I truly want.
let me run to the only one who can.
“an idol promises everything and delivers nothing.” – beth moore
“I keep running after broken cisterns that never satisfy.”
“an idol promises everything and delivers nothing.” – beth moore
“I keep running after broken cisterns that never satisfy.”
Monday, February 23, 2009
God knows our courage is limited.
These words brought so much relief to my soul.From my NACR devotional a few days ago:
Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid. Mark 16:8
"The most reliable early manuscripts of the Gospel of Mark end with this verse. Mark's version of the Good News ends with this very high drama. Just at the point in the story where we might have expected to find rejoicing, we find fear. The women are afraid. Just at the point where we might have expected confidence, we find uncertainty. The women are bewildered. What a remarkable thing that the people chosen by God to be the first messengers of the Good News were too frightened and bewildered to speak! God chose to entrust the future of the Kingdom to people with limited courage.
God knows our courage is limited. He knows that fear can immobilize us. God does not shame us for being afraid. God has trusted people with this kind of limit in the past. God does not need us to have unshakable faith.
The women in this text did eventually speak. Courage was granted to them. Fears faced without shame will lose their power to immobilize us. God knows that fear is part of our human condition. Our fears do not keep God from entrusting us to be message bearers of Good News.
Thank you, Lord,
for entrusting the Kingdom
to the tired and traumatized.
Thank you for accepting me
and my limited courage.
Help me today to accept my limits, Lord.
Help me to give my fears to you. Amen."
Like I said, those words spoke LIFE into me... I mean...
God knows our courage is limited.
That was so powerful for me to realize. It is okay to be weak. I don't have to be strong. He is strong. Therefore, I am allowed to be weak and have Him be my strength.
And the best part about it, He already knows how weak I am. And, I love the part about God not shaming us because we are afraid and that He does not need us to have an unshakable faith. We're called to come as we are...
He already knows...
I have probably lived in more fear and chaos in the last few weeks off and on since I’ve start recovery than in a very long time
And it’s been really hard for me to get out there and raise support when I’ve felt immobilized by my fears and feelings of inadequacy stemming from my past.
It has been a time of deep healing and things have happened that caused me to take a break even from the internet and my blog because they cannot be shared except to those around me who have been a tremendous support in this journey. But I was really starting to feel like a failure in my job because I couldn’t bring myself out of the pit. I felt stuck and I lacked the courage I once had.
God knows our courage is limited.
Me and God have grown especially close in the last few weeks and I’ve been able to ask Him to speak into my situation and my life in ways I never thought I’d need. He did things today that I’ve been praying about for a while, restored my courage so I could get back out there and face the battles ahead. I only have to take it one day at a time.
God knows my courage is limited. I tried to make the most out of it today and took as much opportunity as I could.
He carried me.
The lord provides.
He is never late.
He is never forgetful.
He is more intimately aware of our situations and our needs and our fears and the things that hold us back then we are.
He is on our side.
He fights our fears and fights to give us courage to get back on our feet.
He is my Deliverer.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Best night ever.
This is totally how God works.
I find it funny how the best “witness” to my brother, (even though I hate that term) is someone who is not a Christian...
So, my brother and I have been hanging out more regularly lately, really in these last 4-6 months since he has started calling me.
I’m having the relationship with him I have always wanted with him.
Now instead of me always calling and wanting to do something, if 2-3 weeks go by and we haven’t hung out or talked or texted, he starts asking what’s up.
And he’s been in a period where he’s really wanting to find his place.
Today, I texted to see if he wanted to grab lunch. He doesn’t text back till after 4 or so and says, maybe dinner.
He’s very non-committal. I didn’t really know what that meant and texted back, yeah when/where.
Don’t hear from him so I start considering my other options. Jenni wasn’t going to be back from St. Louis till late. Some of my friends were going to a wheelchair basketball game with Nia and Chris, Thai food before with Leah and Banana. Nothing really grabbed me.
After dance I ended up going to the post office and went to my secret Starbucks to read for a few minutes, just picked up C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves again.
I texted Chip to see if he wanted to grab dinner at The Berg. Then two minutes later my brother calls me back. He wanted to see if I was still free. Of course, yeah. And I was just thinking, I’d go eat with my brother since I knew he’d probably have plans later and then I can catch up with Chip later in the night. Then, I’m thinking, wait, since I overbooked and now have plans with both, let’s just ALL go eat.
My brother was like, are you serious? I don’t want to be the third wheel. And I’m like, dude, he is one of my best guy friends and he’s got a girlfriend, you are NOT gonna be the third wheel!
Keep in mind, I have been wanting the two of them to connect since I first met Chip.
And it just totally happened that they have a lot more in common than I thought, they have mutual friends, nearly the same major and the biggest thing is, Chip totally gets where my brother is at and is able to speak to him from a completely different place, it is beautiful.
Chip brought up how he hadn’t seen Drage in a couple weeks or so and then mentioned to my brother, he doesn’t go to church but hangs out with a few peeps like me and the pastor. And then my brother kinda warms up a little more.
Chip mentions some more about the Tough Questions group that he leads with some other students and John Drage and explains what it is… all of the language he was using, like it’s a place where different people of different views can come and respectfully listen to other people’s views on how the world works, on spirituality, etc.
And my brother starts chiming in.
THEN, we get our food and start talking about something else and inside I’m already glad they got to talk about that stuff and was thinking in the car my brother would think I put chip up to this, but especially Chip not being a Christian, my brother could see I wasn’t trying to get him in some “little club” or trying to convert him or anything, so then he switches subjects and brings it back to Chip.
So when did you stop going to church?
You could tell he was really responding to Chip and wanted to know more.
I could not believe it.
And they have more in common than I thought.
And it was cool to see my brother in that context.
I was the one more uptight than anything on inside secretly worrying my brother wouldn’t connect. He’s not that outgoing, but the minute Chip got in the car I could tell my brother liked him.
Lord, you are amazing.
And my brother was asking from a place of utter curiosity and wanting to know. Little did he know that a lot of Chip’s reasons and frustrations with Christianity and the Church were the same things my brothers has felt for a long time but never had the courage to voice.
It was AWESOME!
I just kinda wished I wasn’t there for a minute so they could just talk, but it was so cool to see my brother really respond to Chip.
I am just still so taken aback.
The person who has probably had the biggest influence and really awakened my brother was a non-Christian.
This should come as no surprise though. And I loved how Chip could explain his journey, there was no bitterness towards the Church or Christians, but he was just simply offering the love and acceptance he offers and allowing my brother permission to feel how he was feeling for once.
I feel like I saw a completely other side of my brother, but in a good way. To see the wheels turning and to hear him interact with one of his peers about real issues, since the only times I’ve been around my brother and guys his age were guys he played soccer or football with over the years.
It was amazing.
All I can do is give thanks to God.
I came home and got to just relay the whole story to Jenni.
A-mazing.
And I’m learning I have a lot to learn about how to be in relationship with people. Like outside of planning coffee dates or meeting up for lunch or dinner or having someone over for tea. Because I am a very structured person and I am always afraid of people getting tired of me, I am very scheduled when it comes to seeing the people I want to see just friends, cause obviously with mentoring relationships or support appts. schedule meetings works best. But I am learning how to just let relationships breathe and evolve and how to just hang out, even with girls I've mentored/mentoring. And my brother was like what are you doing this weekend. And he's really reaching out to mom. He goes to "check" on her about once a week and talks to her. She's so lonely he said... God is really doing something. I still can't see it and don't have to be able to, but it is AWESOME!
My roommates who both grew up in big families are teaching me just from living, what it means to live in community… especially Jenni’s sisters and her, seeing them interact and how they are completely home with one another has really given me a lot of insight to true community.
I’ve been really challenged over the last year or so to learn how to love without an agenda.
The other day in one of my bible studies, we watched a Nooma video on loving people. Rob Bell is amazing, I love what he has to say about loving people and loving Jesus.
I am learning that I have learned so much and have so much to learn about this from my friends who are outside of the Church. They are teaching me how to love regardless and free of agenda. Jesus make me into one who loves freely and loves as you love.
I find it funny how the best “witness” to my brother, (even though I hate that term) is someone who is not a Christian...
So, my brother and I have been hanging out more regularly lately, really in these last 4-6 months since he has started calling me.
I’m having the relationship with him I have always wanted with him.
Now instead of me always calling and wanting to do something, if 2-3 weeks go by and we haven’t hung out or talked or texted, he starts asking what’s up.
And he’s been in a period where he’s really wanting to find his place.
Today, I texted to see if he wanted to grab lunch. He doesn’t text back till after 4 or so and says, maybe dinner.
He’s very non-committal. I didn’t really know what that meant and texted back, yeah when/where.
Don’t hear from him so I start considering my other options. Jenni wasn’t going to be back from St. Louis till late. Some of my friends were going to a wheelchair basketball game with Nia and Chris, Thai food before with Leah and Banana. Nothing really grabbed me.
After dance I ended up going to the post office and went to my secret Starbucks to read for a few minutes, just picked up C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves again.
I texted Chip to see if he wanted to grab dinner at The Berg. Then two minutes later my brother calls me back. He wanted to see if I was still free. Of course, yeah. And I was just thinking, I’d go eat with my brother since I knew he’d probably have plans later and then I can catch up with Chip later in the night. Then, I’m thinking, wait, since I overbooked and now have plans with both, let’s just ALL go eat.
My brother was like, are you serious? I don’t want to be the third wheel. And I’m like, dude, he is one of my best guy friends and he’s got a girlfriend, you are NOT gonna be the third wheel!
Keep in mind, I have been wanting the two of them to connect since I first met Chip.
And it just totally happened that they have a lot more in common than I thought, they have mutual friends, nearly the same major and the biggest thing is, Chip totally gets where my brother is at and is able to speak to him from a completely different place, it is beautiful.
Chip brought up how he hadn’t seen Drage in a couple weeks or so and then mentioned to my brother, he doesn’t go to church but hangs out with a few peeps like me and the pastor. And then my brother kinda warms up a little more.
Chip mentions some more about the Tough Questions group that he leads with some other students and John Drage and explains what it is… all of the language he was using, like it’s a place where different people of different views can come and respectfully listen to other people’s views on how the world works, on spirituality, etc.
And my brother starts chiming in.
THEN, we get our food and start talking about something else and inside I’m already glad they got to talk about that stuff and was thinking in the car my brother would think I put chip up to this, but especially Chip not being a Christian, my brother could see I wasn’t trying to get him in some “little club” or trying to convert him or anything, so then he switches subjects and brings it back to Chip.
So when did you stop going to church?
You could tell he was really responding to Chip and wanted to know more.
I could not believe it.
And they have more in common than I thought.
And it was cool to see my brother in that context.
I was the one more uptight than anything on inside secretly worrying my brother wouldn’t connect. He’s not that outgoing, but the minute Chip got in the car I could tell my brother liked him.
Lord, you are amazing.
And my brother was asking from a place of utter curiosity and wanting to know. Little did he know that a lot of Chip’s reasons and frustrations with Christianity and the Church were the same things my brothers has felt for a long time but never had the courage to voice.
It was AWESOME!
I just kinda wished I wasn’t there for a minute so they could just talk, but it was so cool to see my brother really respond to Chip.
I am just still so taken aback.
The person who has probably had the biggest influence and really awakened my brother was a non-Christian.
This should come as no surprise though. And I loved how Chip could explain his journey, there was no bitterness towards the Church or Christians, but he was just simply offering the love and acceptance he offers and allowing my brother permission to feel how he was feeling for once.
I feel like I saw a completely other side of my brother, but in a good way. To see the wheels turning and to hear him interact with one of his peers about real issues, since the only times I’ve been around my brother and guys his age were guys he played soccer or football with over the years.
It was amazing.
All I can do is give thanks to God.
I came home and got to just relay the whole story to Jenni.
A-mazing.
And I’m learning I have a lot to learn about how to be in relationship with people. Like outside of planning coffee dates or meeting up for lunch or dinner or having someone over for tea. Because I am a very structured person and I am always afraid of people getting tired of me, I am very scheduled when it comes to seeing the people I want to see just friends, cause obviously with mentoring relationships or support appts. schedule meetings works best. But I am learning how to just let relationships breathe and evolve and how to just hang out, even with girls I've mentored/mentoring. And my brother was like what are you doing this weekend. And he's really reaching out to mom. He goes to "check" on her about once a week and talks to her. She's so lonely he said... God is really doing something. I still can't see it and don't have to be able to, but it is AWESOME!
My roommates who both grew up in big families are teaching me just from living, what it means to live in community… especially Jenni’s sisters and her, seeing them interact and how they are completely home with one another has really given me a lot of insight to true community.
I’ve been really challenged over the last year or so to learn how to love without an agenda.
The other day in one of my bible studies, we watched a Nooma video on loving people. Rob Bell is amazing, I love what he has to say about loving people and loving Jesus.
I am learning that I have learned so much and have so much to learn about this from my friends who are outside of the Church. They are teaching me how to love regardless and free of agenda. Jesus make me into one who loves freely and loves as you love.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Valentine's Day
*** So this year was probably my best Valentine's Day to date, more on that later when time permits, but I really liked this, so I'm re-posting Sam's Valentine's day post that he re-posted from last year:
"I decided to re-post this, written one year ago. It's still quite relevant for me, and circumstances are eerily similar. Have a great VDAY!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today is February 14th. The gears of the semester are beginning to grind, as they invariably do. I have just recovered from a week long illness that had me bed ridden for two days, and I am only starting to regain the edge I had forged on my classes and crazy schedule. My life is filled to the brim with meetings and study sessions and the various “recreations” of a second year university student trying to keep up appearances and scholarships.
Fortunately, I have friends here that come take care of me. Fortunately, I have family who send me meds and congratulations. And fortunately, I am not in a state of spiritual and emotional confusion that marked the past semester. But others are not so fortunate. And today is a day when those who, like myself, have never had a significant other to look to on this day – today is a day that those people are tempted to spurn.
It forces this certain insecurity to the surface, and that is, the security of someone else’s arms. It is an insecurity because many people do not have, as I said, that security to run to.
Something that this sickness gave me, a blessing in disguise, was an enormous sense of clarity.
Clarity came for me after exhaustion and confusion. It comes to recharge and refocus.
Sometimes we look at our circumstances in life, and we wonder why we must endure. Whether they are difficult classes, financial question marks, relationship blunders, singleness – you fill this part in with all the ridiculous scenarios we face- and it seems easy to lose heart.
But I say take heart! It is Valentine’s day anyway.
We approach what I will describe as deserts in life, and we are daunted. This semester is in many ways one of those times for me. But I have found balance in understanding two things: 1.It is not for me to decide the unforeseen factors that mark my life. There is purpose that comes from God because He is sovereign, and much of the time, I don’t understand that sovereign purpose. Time is steady and change is certain. The past is not malleable and the future is not entirely in our hands. 2. It is not for me to dwell on all of the above. That is certainly not where peace lies, anyway.
We often talk of the major and minor questions that mark our lives. It seems to me that we live in a state of anticipation for whatever is to come instead of living where we are today. And so we are not fully present. We miss opportunities. We miss smiles, and relationships, and lessons. At times I am swept away by longings and questions and desires and hopes and yes - frustration. And I think that to remain in that sorrowful or pensive state is very selfish of me. It produces a completely “self absorbed” individual. And it hinders us from learning - true - but also from loving.
Here is an excerpt from C.S. Lewis – “Learning in War – Time”
“Never, in peace or war, commit your virtue or your happiness to the future. Happy work is best done by the man who takes his long-term plans somewhat lightly and works from moment to moment “as to the Lord”. It is only our daily bread that we are encouraged to ask for. The present is the only time in which any duty can be done, or any grace received.”
And so it is right now for me. I am crossing my fingers and my t’s – working hard in what I have before me, hoping in what is to come but not staking all on what I do not know. You cannot give yourself to something that has not yet come to pass. Give yourself in this day. Reason bids me to do so. After all, It is not in blind fate or fortune that we hope and trust for whatever is to come, but it is in God!
People probably read about the idea of “seeking God” and getting “clarity” from Him and find it funny or ridiculous. I won’t attempt to explain this mystery, but I will quietly suggest, to those with disbelief, have you ever asked God for clarity? This is what His word says.
Matthew 7:7 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.”
After all, Christ exhorts us to cast our burdens on Him. Matthew 11:29-30 "I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
Perhaps the reason you lack clarity right now is because you have not asked for it? I hadn’t. And it came in an unlikely package. But then, I don’t think I would have slowed down to listen for it.
Best to all of you on this fabulous day."
- photo courtesy of meghan burkett's wedding, friend from high school.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
In the silence of the heart God speaks.
Today was the most amazing day. Mostly because it was spent with several interludes of silence.
Practicing silence is something I’m learning to do, especially in the midst of a busy, noisy world, I’m seeing the quietness and the peace that comes only from God is possible and available in the midst of anything.
This wasn’t a voluntary lesson.
But once again, I am floored by the providence of God. How He always knows what I need more than I do.
Those words don’t even do it justice.
But, it’s the start of a new semester at the women’s ministry I attend at Woodcrest. I absolutely love it and it is feeling like home. I am learning that I live and breathe women’s ministry and just going and being a part of theirs is a highlight in my week. I love what the leaders do, how they talk, how they live. I love the women I’ve been in groups with, how honest they are with where they’re at, how they don’t understand God, yet how they live to seek Him.
Well, for this upcoming semester, one of my mentors from there strongly suggested that when it came to picking which book or bible study I would join in the Thursday morning women’s ministry thing, that I pick the one that has the least amount of homework.
If you know me, you know picking the easy option isn’t something I would want to do.
But she strongly suggested this because of the fact that I would also be taking recovery for the first time and the course I am taking, Shelter from the Storm, has a lot of intense homework assignments she wanted me to focus more on.
So I agreed.
Last week, was the opening for women’s ministry and all the leaders go up and pitch their class. I remembered her advice to be open to where God might be leading me, not necessarily which class I wanted to sign up for.
There’s a new Beth Moore study on Esther that really grabbed my attention. But I did a Beth Moore last time and know that I could go and just watch the videos, but I got so much more out of it when I could be faithful to the daily assignments. So I knew that wasn’t going to work.
Then there was one on The Shack and one on Abba’s Child. Both books I have read or am currently reading and both books I love. That will be great I thought.
Both classes were capped at 10 and for some reason I signed up late.
So, when I heard these two older ladies describe No Greater Love, a book by Mother Teresa and that their class with start with a Nooma video, have very little homework, and would seek Christ in silence and simplicity, I was like nah.
But I put it as my third choice. I got the email later last Thursday saying welcome to the class and was less than thrilled.
Last night, after sorting through some situations going on and feeling my anxiety start to rise, I decided to take a break. And then I decided I’d go out and try to find the book. Got the last copy at Barnes and Noble, had 30 minutes before I had to be somewhere, so sat down and read it.
The first few pages totally nailed me and I knew why I was in this class.
It was exactly what I needed.
My deepest need at that moment was to be confronted with silence so I could hear the voice of God.
Moments before, when I decided I needed a break, I was at my house. Alone. It was quiet. Too quiet.
There’s something about silence that screams the truth.
Yes, I got that from Pink’s new song, but it is a brilliant line.
That is exactly why silence is uncomfortable.
But today was the best day in a really long time.
Mostly because I experienced a peace and power that only comes from sitting in his presence.
And doing nothing.
And learning how to be still.
I realized I make this so complicated. Sure, I have time to be still just about every day and I have a lot of “alone” time.
But silence and solitude, and doing nothing but listening to God speak is an entirely different thing that I don’t make time for all that often.
The sweetest things happened today in my heart and in my life.
There was a peace I cannot describe.
And I love my new group! These women are awesome. I feel like I connected and got to know these women more than the women I was with all last semester in my Beth Moore. Mostly because watching the Beth Moore video takes a lot of the class time and you have 15-30 min. to discuss after the video versus an hour and a half. And I felt like I belonged there. I am still the youngest in the whole ministry, out of 200 women, but in this class I really felt like I had something to offer and I was accepted with the women and could engage. And I am going to learn something from every single woman in there. They are all so dynamic and unique and in different places yet so beautiful.
We were all floored; a few other ladies admitted how this class wasn’t their first choice. But our leader is phenomenal. I can tell she is going to be someone I really like.
And everyone was so real today and talked so freely.
Silence is hard no matter who you are.
But I’m really excited for this because it’s no accident that I’m in there.
Today there were three different crises situations other people were calling me about and I noticed a difference in how I responded to them, when I responded to them, and how I felt about them. It was almost as if I was able to see completely with a bird’s eye view today and see things for a moment how god saw them and not participate in the drama, but be for and about his purposes.
And I kept the radio off driving around most of today, just trying to silence the noise more and more and driving around town to appts. and errands was so peaceful.
Then my cell hone, I kept it on silent after bible study till about 4 pm, I still checked it, but just now hearing noise all the time the phone rang or a text came in was so peaceful. It’s the little things like keeping a phone on silent or keeping the radio off, however it looks for us, that can help keep us connected to God’s presence in our lives.
There’s a lot I learned today that I was chewing on from the chapter last night, the video today and discussion today. Here’s some things I will be sitting on for a while...
“In the silence of the heart God speaks. If you face God in prayer and silence, God will speak to you. Then you will know that you are nothing. It is only when you realize your nothingness, your emptiness, that God can fill you with Himself. Souls of prayer are souls of great silence.”
“Listen in silence, because if your heart is full of other things you cannot hear the voice of God. But when you have listened to the voice of God in the stillness of your heart, then your heart is filled with God. This will need much sacrifice, but if we really mean to pray and want to pray we must be ready to do it now. These are only the first steps toward prayer but if we never make the first step with a determination, we will not reach the last one: the presence of God.”
“Sacrifice and prayer complement one another. There is no prayer without sacrifice, and there is no sacrifice without prayer.”
“My secret is very simple: I pray. Through prayer I become one in love with Christ. I realize that praying to Him is loving Him.”
“Listen in silence, because if your heart is full of other things you cannot hear the voice of God. But when you have listened to the voice of God in the stillness of your heart, then your heart is filled with God. This will need much sacrifice, but if we really mean to pray and want to pray we must be ready to do it now. These are only the first steps toward prayer but if we never make the first step with a determination, we will not reach the last one: the presence of God.”
“Sacrifice and prayer complement one another. There is no prayer without sacrifice, and there is no sacrifice without prayer.”
“My secret is very simple: I pray. Through prayer I become one in love with Christ. I realize that praying to Him is loving Him.”
- Mother Teresa, No Greater Love
I will fight for you.
I am really blessed to have amazing men in my life that I can count on for anything. One of my best guy friends and I were talking about a situation and I love being able to go deeper into the issues in both of our lives and fight for one another.
I think I am used to playing that role, especially with younger girls, but with guys like him who are younger, I have been learning how to play that role. But it is different when they in turn fight for you and fight to affirm and remind you of what you’re worth. It has been great to experience this is such a pure form and in the context of healthy brother/sister like relationships. All the guys I am close to as friends have girlfriends so there is never any question about that being an issue, and it means even more to know they are fighting for me, for me.
Not because they want anything in return. Not because they are hoping for something to happen. Simply because they appreciate and value me and vice versa.
My friend was helping me find truth and fight my fears with a guy showing interest in me.
Overtime I see said guy I want to take off and run. Yesterday I nearly did. I did exactly what I didn’t want to do and that is avoided him. Because I was scared. And after talking to him earlier in the week I had no doubts he would ask if we could hang out next time I saw him.
So I acted like I was too busy. I wasn’t trying to play games and I’ve been becoming increasingly aware of my tendencies around guys through reading Wounded Heart and found the issues are more complex than I ever imagined, but being aware and trying to work on them doesn’t make the insecurities any easier.
But after last night and getting reunited with Jesus and praying in a way I haven’t experienced in a long time, my fears melted away with the situation.
Today I have just really been blown away by the love of God and how real that can be in your life. My leader shared in group today how she can relate to some of what Mother Teresa was saying because what Mother Teresa always had was the love of God.
I cannot explain why but from a very young age, I have always known and had an awareness of God’s love for me through several traumatic years in ways I will never be able to explain. I didn’t realize other people have not lived with this awareness of His presence too. But there is a deep communion that was forged in my life in my formative years that has given me eyes to see God differently. This book once again takes Mother Teresa off her throne and brings her into reality. She was a real person. With real struggles. Who simply possessed the love of God and that permeated everything she did and everything about her life.
I long to be able to cling to God as she did.
To be one with Him in prayer and to love Him more fully and deeply.
I think I am used to playing that role, especially with younger girls, but with guys like him who are younger, I have been learning how to play that role. But it is different when they in turn fight for you and fight to affirm and remind you of what you’re worth. It has been great to experience this is such a pure form and in the context of healthy brother/sister like relationships. All the guys I am close to as friends have girlfriends so there is never any question about that being an issue, and it means even more to know they are fighting for me, for me.
Not because they want anything in return. Not because they are hoping for something to happen. Simply because they appreciate and value me and vice versa.
My friend was helping me find truth and fight my fears with a guy showing interest in me.
Overtime I see said guy I want to take off and run. Yesterday I nearly did. I did exactly what I didn’t want to do and that is avoided him. Because I was scared. And after talking to him earlier in the week I had no doubts he would ask if we could hang out next time I saw him.
So I acted like I was too busy. I wasn’t trying to play games and I’ve been becoming increasingly aware of my tendencies around guys through reading Wounded Heart and found the issues are more complex than I ever imagined, but being aware and trying to work on them doesn’t make the insecurities any easier.
But after last night and getting reunited with Jesus and praying in a way I haven’t experienced in a long time, my fears melted away with the situation.
Today I have just really been blown away by the love of God and how real that can be in your life. My leader shared in group today how she can relate to some of what Mother Teresa was saying because what Mother Teresa always had was the love of God.
I cannot explain why but from a very young age, I have always known and had an awareness of God’s love for me through several traumatic years in ways I will never be able to explain. I didn’t realize other people have not lived with this awareness of His presence too. But there is a deep communion that was forged in my life in my formative years that has given me eyes to see God differently. This book once again takes Mother Teresa off her throne and brings her into reality. She was a real person. With real struggles. Who simply possessed the love of God and that permeated everything she did and everything about her life.
I long to be able to cling to God as she did.
To be one with Him in prayer and to love Him more fully and deeply.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Reflections from the Retreat Pt. II: Breakthrough
But God did something huge in my life through it all. Something was unleashed in the moments driving out of the parking lot and heading who knows where as I went for a drive and then went to be with God. Here’s what I wrote as God and I processed right after the retreat:
That just happened.
I think it’s so ironic that as all the cars drove away, Jessica and I were left in the parking lot. The two of us is where it all began. We were crazy enough to run with the vision and dream you planted in our hearts. And we got to cry and share and go over what just happened and we both kept repeating those words, “that just happened.” There is no reason why we should have been able to pull something like that off we laughed. And then were more in awe of what God did. He’s the only explanation.
Look what you’ve done…
“We won’t know how far that hit until Home.” Jessica said to me.
Yeah.
Lord, you are FAITHFUL. You are faithful and you are true.
You are so good.
It was all worth it. I feel you are calling me out. You’re bringing little Mazvita out of the closet and more and more in the light.
Lord, I thank you.
You far surpassed our wildest dreams.
I just walked out of my dream.
And wasn’t it crazy that all of a sudden.
The last car drove away and Jessica and I were left in the parking lot.
Where it all began.
Lord, you are AMAZING. I don’t even know where to go.
Thank you.
Part of me is freaked out because I know I’ve been given gifts and a calling I cannot deny, they only come from you.
And now I am finally free enough to fly.
I am freaked out because for the first time
I am hearing and believing
That I am special.
That I matter.
That you love me.
That this is my mission I was created for.
That I am not an accident.
That I am loved.
That I am made for a mission.
That I am not junk.
That I am not worthless.
That you rescued me.
That you saved me.
That you redeemed me.
For the first item I am feeling fully alive.
Fully myself.
“In my element” as Miss said.
Right where you want me to be and you never let me down God.
You always know.
You always come through.
You have never failed me.
You are so good.
It freaks me out because I know you will provide (the rest of my support so I can do this full-time).
You have already provided
So much
So much and I didn’t even deserve it.
Father.
You totally blew me away.
You know what this has been for you and me.
Part of me was hoping it would fail. So then I could agree with the lies
That say I am no good. That say I have nothing to offer.
But I can’t.
And it’s almost scary.
When you’ve lived your whole life hearing you suck
Or you’ll never be good enough
To hear
I’m so proud of you
To hear
A new voice that says
You are my child.
I love you. And I will never leave you.
You’ve empowered me and given me new strength.
You’ve come and taken this shaking little girl
Out of the closet
And showed her it’s okay.
She’s safe now.
It’s scary because it’s real. And there were probably 90 decisions I had to make along the way from first dreaming of this retreat until now, to trust you…
That resulted in what happened. This has renewed my faith, in the year and a half of dreaming and trusting you with this and then to see what happened, I am even more excited for other things that you will bring, like how I can trust you to far surpass my dreams with the guy you will choose for me to spend the rest of my life with, or the things you will call me to do. I have tasted and I have seen... even the days when it seemed this fight is getting to ugly... you knew how amazing this moment would feel and it makes me hopeful and wanting to trust you more. I am excited for who you will bring in my life. I am excited for the things you will lead me to. For if it's anything like this...
I trusted you when I couldn’t see.
You came through even when others doubted.
You reassured me to lean on your voice and not the approval of others.
I have learned to rely on my God and His voice when the voices of others failed me.
Lord, you are so good.
You have my heart.
I’m yours.
I am sold out
To you.
Have my life.
I trust you with your plan.
Yours have been so much better than my own.
You are so good to me.
Jesus, I thank you.
I wish the girls only knew each time they see me up there how much different this looks from where I’ve been and how I once felt.
You have come and set me free.
Given me a life better than I ever could have imagined.
That just happened.
I think it’s so ironic that as all the cars drove away, Jessica and I were left in the parking lot. The two of us is where it all began. We were crazy enough to run with the vision and dream you planted in our hearts. And we got to cry and share and go over what just happened and we both kept repeating those words, “that just happened.” There is no reason why we should have been able to pull something like that off we laughed. And then were more in awe of what God did. He’s the only explanation.
Look what you’ve done…
“We won’t know how far that hit until Home.” Jessica said to me.
Yeah.
Lord, you are FAITHFUL. You are faithful and you are true.
You are so good.
It was all worth it. I feel you are calling me out. You’re bringing little Mazvita out of the closet and more and more in the light.
Lord, I thank you.
You far surpassed our wildest dreams.
I just walked out of my dream.
And wasn’t it crazy that all of a sudden.
The last car drove away and Jessica and I were left in the parking lot.
Where it all began.
Lord, you are AMAZING. I don’t even know where to go.
Thank you.
Part of me is freaked out because I know I’ve been given gifts and a calling I cannot deny, they only come from you.
And now I am finally free enough to fly.
I am freaked out because for the first time
I am hearing and believing
That I am special.
That I matter.
That you love me.
That this is my mission I was created for.
That I am not an accident.
That I am loved.
That I am made for a mission.
That I am not junk.
That I am not worthless.
That you rescued me.
That you saved me.
That you redeemed me.
For the first item I am feeling fully alive.
Fully myself.
“In my element” as Miss said.
Right where you want me to be and you never let me down God.
You always know.
You always come through.
You have never failed me.
You are so good.
It freaks me out because I know you will provide (the rest of my support so I can do this full-time).
You have already provided
So much
So much and I didn’t even deserve it.
Father.
You totally blew me away.
You know what this has been for you and me.
Part of me was hoping it would fail. So then I could agree with the lies
That say I am no good. That say I have nothing to offer.
But I can’t.
And it’s almost scary.
When you’ve lived your whole life hearing you suck
Or you’ll never be good enough
To hear
I’m so proud of you
To hear
A new voice that says
You are my child.
I love you. And I will never leave you.
You’ve empowered me and given me new strength.
You’ve come and taken this shaking little girl
Out of the closet
And showed her it’s okay.
She’s safe now.
It’s scary because it’s real. And there were probably 90 decisions I had to make along the way from first dreaming of this retreat until now, to trust you…
That resulted in what happened. This has renewed my faith, in the year and a half of dreaming and trusting you with this and then to see what happened, I am even more excited for other things that you will bring, like how I can trust you to far surpass my dreams with the guy you will choose for me to spend the rest of my life with, or the things you will call me to do. I have tasted and I have seen... even the days when it seemed this fight is getting to ugly... you knew how amazing this moment would feel and it makes me hopeful and wanting to trust you more. I am excited for who you will bring in my life. I am excited for the things you will lead me to. For if it's anything like this...
I trusted you when I couldn’t see.
You came through even when others doubted.
You reassured me to lean on your voice and not the approval of others.
I have learned to rely on my God and His voice when the voices of others failed me.
Lord, you are so good.
You have my heart.
I’m yours.
I am sold out
To you.
Have my life.
I trust you with your plan.
Yours have been so much better than my own.
You are so good to me.
Jesus, I thank you.
I wish the girls only knew each time they see me up there how much different this looks from where I’ve been and how I once felt.
You have come and set me free.
Given me a life better than I ever could have imagined.
Reflections from the Retreat Pt. I: Called out of Hiding
"God went back and got the shaking little girl that was hiding under the bed and convinced her to come out. He unclenched her little fists and took her hand and placed it in his and answered her question. He held her hand and told her it was OK for her not to be tough. He would protect her. She didn’t have to be strong. He told her she wasn’t a rock but a child. An innocent child. His child. He didn’t condemn her for anything but instead understood her and loved her! He told her she was special… like no other and that she had special gifts like no other. She knew his voice and trust him. She could hear the pleasure HE had for her in His voice and felt His delight in her as He talked. He was so gentle and loving she couldn’t help but melt in His arms…"
[Captivating, Eldredge]
“Have you no other daughters?” “No,” said the man. “There is a little stunted kitchen wench which my late wife left behind her, but she cannot be the bride.” The King’s son said he was to send her up to him; but the step-mother answered, “Oh no, she is much too dirty, she cannot show herself!” But he absolutely insisted on it, and Cinderella had to be called. She first washed her hands and face clean, and then went and bowed down before the King’s son, who gave her the golden slipper. Then she seated herself on a stool, drew her foot out of the heavy wooden shoe, and put it into the slipper, which fit like a glove. And when she rose up and the King’s son looked at her face, he recognized the beautiful maiden who had danced with him and cried, “This is the true bride!” The step-mother and two sisters were horrified and became pale with rage; he, however, took Cinderella on his horse and rode away with her.
[Cinderella story in Waking the Dead, Eldredge]
Those two stories are my life stories. Being called out of hiding has been a six year process for me… and in the last six months has taken on an entirely different shape as I’ve been taking another step closer to living the life God has called me to. The support raising process has been a time God has called out and insisted I come further out of hiding into the true glory my Father has bestowed upon my life.[Captivating, Eldredge]
“Have you no other daughters?” “No,” said the man. “There is a little stunted kitchen wench which my late wife left behind her, but she cannot be the bride.” The King’s son said he was to send her up to him; but the step-mother answered, “Oh no, she is much too dirty, she cannot show herself!” But he absolutely insisted on it, and Cinderella had to be called. She first washed her hands and face clean, and then went and bowed down before the King’s son, who gave her the golden slipper. Then she seated herself on a stool, drew her foot out of the heavy wooden shoe, and put it into the slipper, which fit like a glove. And when she rose up and the King’s son looked at her face, he recognized the beautiful maiden who had danced with him and cried, “This is the true bride!” The step-mother and two sisters were horrified and became pale with rage; he, however, took Cinderella on his horse and rode away with her.
[Cinderella story in Waking the Dead, Eldredge]
I have spent the majority of my life in hiding.
I have spent the majority of my life waiting for Him to call me out.
This realization culminated on the Saturday as I was driving home, tears streaming down my face after our women’s retreat.
It was amazing.
God totally showed up and moved and did things I never thought I’d see or experience. It was a dream. It was exactly how I dreamt it and more.
I kept thinking, God…. Is… faithful…. God is so faithful.
Lives were changed. Our speakers were phenomenal. We got so many comments from the girls and staff wives with how professional it looked and felt.
There were so many things that were God. God messed with our girls and our hope and desire happened, girls were called to see themselves for all God intends for them to be. And we have our work cut out for us; we did resourcing after every talk, giving them books and people, places. Groups to go to if the talk struck a chord with them. This retreat allowed me to fully live out of my heart for my desire for women to know who they are and who they can become. They need to see other women to know this. They need to see women speak to know this. They need to be around other godly women to experience and taste this. They need to hear these things from a female perspective. They need to have a time and place all their own to let them know they matter to our church and they matter to God. They have a place here.
But, probably the biggest thing God showed me personally, was how different I felt each time I’d go up on stage to introduce the next speaker. It was as if something was being released, more and more of me was being set free.
I have only dreamed of running a women’s ministry at a church one day and encouraging the ladies from up there, and all of a sudden I saw myself doing it.
One of my friends who recently moved to another church told me how much she loves seeing me in “my element.” Another one of the staff wives told me how encouraged she was every time she saw and heard me talk. God has done a lot in my life in the last few months in support raising. The biggest, getting me around women who I want to be like. More is caught than taught. And I love being around women who are gifted speakers, hearing them speak, hearing them communicate because I had never heard a women speak before until this summer, first I heard Eva and was like I would never be able to do that, and then the more I saw these women this fall, the more I was like, this is powerful and it is needed.
I shared a testimony on trusting god in the midst of uncertainty last fall and was able to put some of these things I’d witnessed to practice and I was excited to feel fully more of myself in speaking in front of a large crowd. That part of who God created me to be was someone who communicated and shared a message with people.
But until you see women do it you don’t think you can. These women have empowered me and shown me the importance of women teaching other women. I dream of running large women’s ministries some day and felt this retreat was the first of many, who knows what shape or form they will take.
But I’m living in a new strength. I’m not even the same person anymore. People have noticed. Not that I am acting like someone else, but I’m more of my true self and the person God created me to be is finally free to come out.
Nothing compares to what I felt on Saturday and even all weekend being able to share with the girls and share these incredible women with the girls...
First night at Recovery
Recovery tonight...
I can’t describe the amount of vulnerability it takes walking into a room like that.
Knowing everyone there is for some kind of support group.
I felt naked.
I was like walking into a room and announcing to the word, I have a problem.
I wanted to hide.
The tables and chairs in the middle of the room seemed too threatening.
I darted to the wall and found some other fellow wallflowers, also trying to hide.
Then I found out they too were in my group.
Unlike the other groups, once you tell someone who asks, what group are you in, they have no mistake in what you’re dealing with.
Others like co-dependency or how we love or making or moving beyond your past is more vague… but shelter from the storm and divorce care immediately exposes you.
I was anxious the whole day. Not even about that, but all day I was struggling with shame.
I went to bed covered in it and woke up with its death grip around my throat.
It covered me like a heavy blanket and made me not want to face the harsh world out there again.
I realized through three situations/interactions Monday night what was causing me to feel so much shame and I was spiraling downwards. From little things like sending an email to a group of people then immediately feeling like an idiot to a harsh word spoken by someone who is hurting that I ran into at a coffee shop.
All day today, I didn’t want to be seen.
I needed to finish typing up my story for my group tonight and I drove around downtown for 20 minutes before finally deciding I needed to go to the Panera south of town cause I couldn’t handle being seen.
Especially not by him.
But I looked in the mirror at panera and was floored.
What I saw on the outside didn’t match what was going on the inside.
Inside I was falling apart.
I was out of control.
I was not okay.
I felt I could not be seen in this condition.
But on the outside, I looked great. I had gotten ready; I had makeup and hair done.
But inside, I was a mess.
Shame is the feeling of wanting to hide.
Not wanting to be seen.
I realized I was feeling shame over things that were a result of me opening up my heart and loving people and sharing my heart.
But as one of my recovery leaders shared tonight, the days after you are vulnerable are like a kick in the gut…
That was today.
I felt on edge. Not myself. No one and nothing felt safe.
I have been seeing shame play out lately as I’ve been more aware of this feeling of dread, this feeling of you are too much, you said too much, you did too much, you were too overbearing, etc.
And I have been fighting to trust God’s truth over my feelings. His love for me over my circumstances.
And last night I was given yet another opportunity to trust.
Shame lies to you about who you are and what you are worth.
Shame says you have nothing good to offer. You are messed up. Everyone is laughing at you.
Shame makes me second-guess myself and what others really think about me. Shame makes me want to run and hide.
Shame is the enemy’s greatest weapon for those who desire to reclaim the life God has for them.
God lives in the light, the enemy breeds on what is hidden.
God is calling me further out of darkness and more into the light and going before me as we rescue lost pieces of my puzzle still hidden in the dark basement of my heart.
Tonight’s meeting actually wasn’t that bad, I survived! Today was actually a harder day leading up to it. But I met a safe place.
I have never been in a support group for sexual abuse and it is going to be a powerful and healing experience. And I really like the women in my group. An instant bond was shared by the pain we’ve experienced. Once again, for like the fourth time in the last six months, I am the youngest person in the group, which is strange when I’m used to be a senior citizen in a college church, but also refreshing. I made a few friends. And I’m connecting with the leaders as this is the fourth time I’ve seen all the other recovery leaders.
I really liked what my leader said tonight, she basically exposed the fear that all of us have in that diving into these painful issues will bring up more pain that will just deaden us, but for her, she said going through this class brought dead areas to life.
I hope this will be my experience as well. There are a number of current issues I am seeing that are effects of my past, particularly with the realm of romantic relationships. Going through The Wounded Heart has been great to allow me to begin to see how my past plays out in my present in little ways that probably would’ve have gone undetected until I got married. But now working through them has dramatically improved my relationships with my roommates and how I relate to people in general as I’m aware of my own tendencies and brokenness.
As I was doing the workbook yesterday and today, I was encouraged that I’ve gone through a lot of this process before, as far as I’m comfortable sharing and do share my story on a daily basis either at The Shelter or in support appts or ministry at church, but this was going to take me to a deeper place of healing.
They’re not messing around, the workbook is INTENSE. It makes Making Peace with Your Past seem like sugar water. But, this will be good.
I am excited but also scared as I start this journey.
Scared because it is like plunging into this dark hole where I don’t know what we will find. Scared because it means I surrender control once again to God and have no idea what to expect. Scared because it’s like going back to the haunted areas of my past to get all the skeletons out of the closest. Scared because it means going down roads I don’t want to go.
Excited because I know that recovery is a lifelong process and God brings different layers up at different times, this is exactly where he wants me. Excited because the main reason I am in full-time ministry and not working solely at a women’s shelter is to bring support groups and counseling for issues of recovery and abuse to the church, so the church is equipped with how to handle these issues and is an agent of healing in life’s hurts. Excited because I’ve been introduced to some amazing people in this field who are mentoring me and allowing me to not only participate in this group for me but also to attend all the leadership meetings to observe their process, as they are helping us develop recovery ministry at my campus church. Excited for going through the fire so I can bring others through this.
It’s gonna be hell for lack of a better description, but it will be worth it. For I am not going alone.
I can’t describe the amount of vulnerability it takes walking into a room like that.
Knowing everyone there is for some kind of support group.
I felt naked.
I was like walking into a room and announcing to the word, I have a problem.
I wanted to hide.
The tables and chairs in the middle of the room seemed too threatening.
I darted to the wall and found some other fellow wallflowers, also trying to hide.
Then I found out they too were in my group.
Unlike the other groups, once you tell someone who asks, what group are you in, they have no mistake in what you’re dealing with.
Others like co-dependency or how we love or making or moving beyond your past is more vague… but shelter from the storm and divorce care immediately exposes you.
I was anxious the whole day. Not even about that, but all day I was struggling with shame.
I went to bed covered in it and woke up with its death grip around my throat.
It covered me like a heavy blanket and made me not want to face the harsh world out there again.
I realized through three situations/interactions Monday night what was causing me to feel so much shame and I was spiraling downwards. From little things like sending an email to a group of people then immediately feeling like an idiot to a harsh word spoken by someone who is hurting that I ran into at a coffee shop.
All day today, I didn’t want to be seen.
I needed to finish typing up my story for my group tonight and I drove around downtown for 20 minutes before finally deciding I needed to go to the Panera south of town cause I couldn’t handle being seen.
Especially not by him.
But I looked in the mirror at panera and was floored.
What I saw on the outside didn’t match what was going on the inside.
Inside I was falling apart.
I was out of control.
I was not okay.
I felt I could not be seen in this condition.
But on the outside, I looked great. I had gotten ready; I had makeup and hair done.
But inside, I was a mess.
Shame is the feeling of wanting to hide.
Not wanting to be seen.
I realized I was feeling shame over things that were a result of me opening up my heart and loving people and sharing my heart.
But as one of my recovery leaders shared tonight, the days after you are vulnerable are like a kick in the gut…
That was today.
I felt on edge. Not myself. No one and nothing felt safe.
I have been seeing shame play out lately as I’ve been more aware of this feeling of dread, this feeling of you are too much, you said too much, you did too much, you were too overbearing, etc.
And I have been fighting to trust God’s truth over my feelings. His love for me over my circumstances.
And last night I was given yet another opportunity to trust.
Shame lies to you about who you are and what you are worth.
Shame says you have nothing good to offer. You are messed up. Everyone is laughing at you.
Shame makes me second-guess myself and what others really think about me. Shame makes me want to run and hide.
Shame is the enemy’s greatest weapon for those who desire to reclaim the life God has for them.
God lives in the light, the enemy breeds on what is hidden.
God is calling me further out of darkness and more into the light and going before me as we rescue lost pieces of my puzzle still hidden in the dark basement of my heart.
Tonight’s meeting actually wasn’t that bad, I survived! Today was actually a harder day leading up to it. But I met a safe place.
I have never been in a support group for sexual abuse and it is going to be a powerful and healing experience. And I really like the women in my group. An instant bond was shared by the pain we’ve experienced. Once again, for like the fourth time in the last six months, I am the youngest person in the group, which is strange when I’m used to be a senior citizen in a college church, but also refreshing. I made a few friends. And I’m connecting with the leaders as this is the fourth time I’ve seen all the other recovery leaders.
I really liked what my leader said tonight, she basically exposed the fear that all of us have in that diving into these painful issues will bring up more pain that will just deaden us, but for her, she said going through this class brought dead areas to life.
I hope this will be my experience as well. There are a number of current issues I am seeing that are effects of my past, particularly with the realm of romantic relationships. Going through The Wounded Heart has been great to allow me to begin to see how my past plays out in my present in little ways that probably would’ve have gone undetected until I got married. But now working through them has dramatically improved my relationships with my roommates and how I relate to people in general as I’m aware of my own tendencies and brokenness.
As I was doing the workbook yesterday and today, I was encouraged that I’ve gone through a lot of this process before, as far as I’m comfortable sharing and do share my story on a daily basis either at The Shelter or in support appts or ministry at church, but this was going to take me to a deeper place of healing.
They’re not messing around, the workbook is INTENSE. It makes Making Peace with Your Past seem like sugar water. But, this will be good.
I am excited but also scared as I start this journey.
Scared because it is like plunging into this dark hole where I don’t know what we will find. Scared because it means I surrender control once again to God and have no idea what to expect. Scared because it’s like going back to the haunted areas of my past to get all the skeletons out of the closest. Scared because it means going down roads I don’t want to go.
Excited because I know that recovery is a lifelong process and God brings different layers up at different times, this is exactly where he wants me. Excited because the main reason I am in full-time ministry and not working solely at a women’s shelter is to bring support groups and counseling for issues of recovery and abuse to the church, so the church is equipped with how to handle these issues and is an agent of healing in life’s hurts. Excited because I’ve been introduced to some amazing people in this field who are mentoring me and allowing me to not only participate in this group for me but also to attend all the leadership meetings to observe their process, as they are helping us develop recovery ministry at my campus church. Excited for going through the fire so I can bring others through this.
It’s gonna be hell for lack of a better description, but it will be worth it. For I am not going alone.
“I will go before you and make the rough places smooth. I will shatter the doors of bronze, and cut through their iron bars. And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth in secret places, in order that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who calls you by name.”
Isaiah 45:2-3
Isaiah 45:2-3
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
You are worthy to be praised.
Lord, I praise you and I thank you. For victory. For fighting for what matters. For your victory, for your promise, for your faithfulness.
You are so good.
I love you and I thank you.
"LET NOW THE WEAK SAY I HAVE STRENGTH, BY THE SPIRIT OF POWER THAT RAISED CHRIST FROM THE DEAD.
LET NOW THE POOR STAND AND CONFESS, THAT MY PORTION IS HIM AND I'M MORE THAN BLESSED.
LET NOW OUR HEARTS BURN WITH A FLAME, A FIRE CONSUMING ALL FOR YOUR SON'S HOLY NAME AND WITH THE HEAVENS WE DECLARE, YOU ARE OUR KING;
WE LOVE YOU LORD, WE WORSHIP YOU. YOU ARE OUR GOD, YOU ALONE ARE GOOD.
I LOVE YOU LORD, I WORSHIP YOU, HOPE WHICH WAS LOST, NOW STANDS RENEWED. I GIVE MY LIFE TO HONOR THIS, THE LOVE OF CHRIST, THE SAVIOR KING."
Monday, February 2, 2009
The garden of the soul
“After all he is a stranger and a pilgrim, and the journey he takes is not on his feet but in his heart. He walks with God in the garden of his own soul - and who but God can walk there with him?” – A.W. Tozer
a beautiful mess.
The words “beautiful” and a “mess” kept resurfacing as Mack was walking through the garden. He finds out at the end of the chapter that the garden Sarayu is having him work on with her is his own soul. Sarayu represents the holy spirit in the book. (The Shack)
That chapter started getting the water works going just a little bit, but I was determined to stay at Starbucks so I kept reading. A couple chapters later was the breaking point and I had to go drive around to be with God at one of our secret spots.
There is a beautiful mess going on at work in my heart right now. I’m a mix of emotions. Yesterday was probably the most fun I’ve had in a long time and a great weekend with one of my best friend’s and her sisters and her fiance’s sisters and all her old friends… and a time of just feeling so free and alive the last couple days. Then today all of a sudden, I’m leaving the second of Jenni's showers in two days and my head was spinning once again. I just needed to be alone. Away from people. At a remote place. There was a lot going on in here and I wasn't even sure what.
Starbucks it is.
“to be alive is to be broken.”
I love whoever said that because I think we can equate tears and brokenness with bad. But who are we to judge. I'm learning to trust my Father in a way that means I get out of the Judge seat and quit trying to determine what of the things he does or has done is good or bad or unfair. Stemming back to my first days on earth and the family He placed me in.
The tears and brokenness are the best thing for me right now, in god’s economy, anyway and are producing things I will never be able to see with my own eyes but are the careful works of the Father in my life and in my heart. I'm seeing and experiencing the fruit however, in my heart and how I perceive things.
I’m liking the fact that a series of circumstances are shedding light on some deeply rooted lies I’ve been believing about God from my earliest conceptions of Him. The things that could have gone undetected for years, but things that were forged in my heart through circumstances I cannot explain.
It is powerful and freeing, yet there is a painful surgery at work here, for divorcing these realities from my heart isn’t going to be a quick or easy process.
But I’m in good hands. Jesus is especially near. If it means I will cry every couple of chapters and then have a good day, I can take it because it is more than worth it.
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