But God did something huge in my life through it all. Something was unleashed in the moments driving out of the parking lot and heading who knows where as I went for a drive and then went to be with God. Here’s what I wrote as God and I processed right after the retreat:
That just happened.
I think it’s so ironic that as all the cars drove away, Jessica and I were left in the parking lot. The two of us is where it all began. We were crazy enough to run with the vision and dream you planted in our hearts. And we got to cry and share and go over what just happened and we both kept repeating those words, “that just happened.” There is no reason why we should have been able to pull something like that off we laughed. And then were more in awe of what God did. He’s the only explanation.
Look what you’ve done…
“We won’t know how far that hit until Home.” Jessica said to me.
Yeah.
Lord, you are FAITHFUL. You are faithful and you are true.
You are so good.
It was all worth it. I feel you are calling me out. You’re bringing little Mazvita out of the closet and more and more in the light.
Lord, I thank you.
You far surpassed our wildest dreams.
I just walked out of my dream.
And wasn’t it crazy that all of a sudden.
The last car drove away and Jessica and I were left in the parking lot.
Where it all began.
Lord, you are AMAZING. I don’t even know where to go.
Thank you.
Part of me is freaked out because I know I’ve been given gifts and a calling I cannot deny, they only come from you.
And now I am finally free enough to fly.
I am freaked out because for the first time
I am hearing and believing
That I am special.
That I matter.
That you love me.
That this is my mission I was created for.
That I am not an accident.
That I am loved.
That I am made for a mission.
That I am not junk.
That I am not worthless.
That you rescued me.
That you saved me.
That you redeemed me.
For the first item I am feeling fully alive.
Fully myself.
“In my element” as Miss said.
Right where you want me to be and you never let me down God.
You always know.
You always come through.
You have never failed me.
You are so good.
It freaks me out because I know you will provide (the rest of my support so I can do this full-time).
You have already provided
So much
So much and I didn’t even deserve it.
Father.
You totally blew me away.
You know what this has been for you and me.
Part of me was hoping it would fail. So then I could agree with the lies
That say I am no good. That say I have nothing to offer.
But I can’t.
And it’s almost scary.
When you’ve lived your whole life hearing you suck
Or you’ll never be good enough
To hear
I’m so proud of you
To hear
A new voice that says
You are my child.
I love you. And I will never leave you.
You’ve empowered me and given me new strength.
You’ve come and taken this shaking little girl
Out of the closet
And showed her it’s okay.
She’s safe now.
It’s scary because it’s real. And there were probably 90 decisions I had to make along the way from first dreaming of this retreat until now, to trust you…
That resulted in what happened. This has renewed my faith, in the year and a half of dreaming and trusting you with this and then to see what happened, I am even more excited for other things that you will bring, like how I can trust you to far surpass my dreams with the guy you will choose for me to spend the rest of my life with, or the things you will call me to do. I have tasted and I have seen... even the days when it seemed this fight is getting to ugly... you knew how amazing this moment would feel and it makes me hopeful and wanting to trust you more. I am excited for who you will bring in my life. I am excited for the things you will lead me to. For if it's anything like this...
I trusted you when I couldn’t see.
You came through even when others doubted.
You reassured me to lean on your voice and not the approval of others.
I have learned to rely on my God and His voice when the voices of others failed me.
Lord, you are so good.
You have my heart.
I’m yours.
I am sold out
To you.
Have my life.
I trust you with your plan.
Yours have been so much better than my own.
You are so good to me.
Jesus, I thank you.
I wish the girls only knew each time they see me up there how much different this looks from where I’ve been and how I once felt.
You have come and set me free.
Given me a life better than I ever could have imagined.
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