First night at Recovery

Recovery tonight...

I can’t describe the amount of vulnerability it takes walking into a room like that.

Knowing everyone there is for some kind of support group.

I felt naked.

I was like walking into a room and announcing to the word, I have a problem.

I wanted to hide.

The tables and chairs in the middle of the room seemed too threatening.

I darted to the wall and found some other fellow wallflowers, also trying to hide.

Then I found out they too were in my group.

Unlike the other groups, once you tell someone who asks, what group are you in, they have no mistake in what you’re dealing with.

Others like co-dependency or how we love or making or moving beyond your past is more vague… but shelter from the storm and divorce care immediately exposes you.

I was anxious the whole day. Not even about that, but all day I was struggling with shame.

I went to bed covered in it and woke up with its death grip around my throat.

It covered me like a heavy blanket and made me not want to face the harsh world out there again.

I realized through three situations/interactions Monday night what was causing me to feel so much shame and I was spiraling downwards. From little things like sending an email to a group of people then immediately feeling like an idiot to a harsh word spoken by someone who is hurting that I ran into at a coffee shop.

All day today, I didn’t want to be seen.

I needed to finish typing up my story for my group tonight and I drove around downtown for 20 minutes before finally deciding I needed to go to the Panera south of town cause I couldn’t handle being seen.

Especially not by him.

But I looked in the mirror at panera and was floored.

What I saw on the outside didn’t match what was going on the inside.

Inside I was falling apart.
I was out of control.
I was not okay.
I felt I could not be seen in this condition.

But on the outside, I looked great. I had gotten ready; I had makeup and hair done.

But inside, I was a mess.

Shame is the feeling of wanting to hide.

Not wanting to be seen.

I realized I was feeling shame over things that were a result of me opening up my heart and loving people and sharing my heart.

But as one of my recovery leaders shared tonight, the days after you are vulnerable are like a kick in the gut…

That was today.

I felt on edge. Not myself. No one and nothing felt safe.

I have been seeing shame play out lately as I’ve been more aware of this feeling of dread, this feeling of you are too much, you said too much, you did too much, you were too overbearing, etc.

And I have been fighting to trust God’s truth over my feelings. His love for me over my circumstances.

And last night I was given yet another opportunity to trust.

Shame lies to you about who you are and what you are worth.
Shame says you have nothing good to offer. You are messed up. Everyone is laughing at you.

Shame makes me second-guess myself and what others really think about me. Shame makes me want to run and hide.

Shame is the enemy’s greatest weapon for those who desire to reclaim the life God has for them.

God lives in the light, the enemy breeds on what is hidden.

God is calling me further out of darkness and more into the light and going before me as we rescue lost pieces of my puzzle still hidden in the dark basement of my heart.

Tonight’s meeting actually wasn’t that bad, I survived! Today was actually a harder day leading up to it. But I met a safe place.

I have never been in a support group for sexual abuse and it is going to be a powerful and healing experience. And I really like the women in my group. An instant bond was shared by the pain we’ve experienced. Once again, for like the fourth time in the last six months, I am the youngest person in the group, which is strange when I’m used to be a senior citizen in a college church, but also refreshing. I made a few friends. And I’m connecting with the leaders as this is the fourth time I’ve seen all the other recovery leaders.

I really liked what my leader said tonight, she basically exposed the fear that all of us have in that diving into these painful issues will bring up more pain that will just deaden us, but for her, she said going through this class brought dead areas to life.

I hope this will be my experience as well. There are a number of current issues I am seeing that are effects of my past, particularly with the realm of romantic relationships. Going through The Wounded Heart has been great to allow me to begin to see how my past plays out in my present in little ways that probably would’ve have gone undetected until I got married. But now working through them has dramatically improved my relationships with my roommates and how I relate to people in general as I’m aware of my own tendencies and brokenness.

As I was doing the workbook yesterday and today, I was encouraged that I’ve gone through a lot of this process before, as far as I’m comfortable sharing and do share my story on a daily basis either at The Shelter or in support appts or ministry at church, but this was going to take me to a deeper place of healing.

They’re not messing around, the workbook is INTENSE. It makes Making Peace with Your Past seem like sugar water. But, this will be good.

I am excited but also scared as I start this journey.

Scared because it is like plunging into this dark hole where I don’t know what we will find. Scared because it means I surrender control once again to God and have no idea what to expect. Scared because it’s like going back to the haunted areas of my past to get all the skeletons out of the closest. Scared because it means going down roads I don’t want to go.

Excited because I know that recovery is a lifelong process and God brings different layers up at different times, this is exactly where he wants me. Excited because the main reason I am in full-time ministry and not working solely at a women’s shelter is to bring support groups and counseling for issues of recovery and abuse to the church, so the church is equipped with how to handle these issues and is an agent of healing in life’s hurts. Excited because I’ve been introduced to some amazing people in this field who are mentoring me and allowing me to not only participate in this group for me but also to attend all the leadership meetings to observe their process, as they are helping us develop recovery ministry at my campus church. Excited for going through the fire so I can bring others through this.

It’s gonna be hell for lack of a better description, but it will be worth it. For I am not going alone.

“I will go before you and make the rough places smooth. I will shatter the doors of bronze, and cut through their iron bars. And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth in secret places, in order that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who calls you by name.”

Isaiah 45:2-3