2008: Footprints of the journey

William Faulkner describes the Psalms as footprints,

“These are not monuments, but footprints. A monument only says, ‘At least I got this far,’ while a footprint says, ‘This is where I was when I moved again.’”

He likens the Psalms as the footprints of the early pilgrims’ journeys… each one leaving a mark in the sand, showing where they were before they picked up their feet and took another step.

Mark Darling said this the other night at a conference, “Each of us has a slightly different journey… a God-given journey, that looks different from person to person. But the will of God is the same.”

A year where God did immeasurably more than I could have asked for or imagined. I have been waiting two years for this year, to start moving into my career. A year of taking a step towards seeing dreams become reality, facing my fears, and a year with no turning back. A year where I can see the fingerprints of God and where I can see the scars left from battle wounds of victories and defeats along the way, a year where I can say, look at what God did. You don’t realize you’re living your dream when you’re in it everyday. But looking back at the pages of the last year, I am blown away by the roads that have been traveled, the people and the faces along the way, all of the new worlds that have opened up to me. I first felt the call into vocational ministry summer of my junior year of college but I had no idea in what shape or form. At that point I thought it would be working for a faith-based shelter like Harvest House.

The Lord has slowly unraveled his plans for my life as I know feel called long-term to the inner-city and overseas in Africa. But I also feel equally called right now to teaching others to go and be sent overseas or to mission work here in the states, as I am currently pursuing the call to be in campus ministry full-time with my campus church. The college campus is one of the most strategic places today to make an impact for Christ and to be a part of making more disciples who will go out and revolutionize our world. They are all inter-connected, the call and desire to serve here in a campus church, the call to the inner-city and the call to Africa, as I’m seeing God preparing me and providing opportunities for me to continue fueling my passion for all three.

I don’t know what provoked me to do this, but as I’ve been really in reflection mode as I’ve seen a lot of people recently I haven’t seen in a while, especially in seeing old LT friends who I haven’t seen in years, I’m reminded of how different life looks in a year’s time. So I’m pulling highlights of “footprints” of my journey from my written journals. This is the longest post I will ever write but it is mostly for me to remember this year and thank God for the life He has for me. (Random side note, I recently ordered all the journals on my shelf by date and today as I have the stack of 2008 before me, three are before going to staff training and starting to raise support, eight are after… yikes.) But it is a time of intense personal and spiritual character development and refining your faith.

Here are my footprints.

December:

(This was in the middle of "60 days of Surrender." Something I forgot I did until going back to these journals. As I was wrestling with clarity for my future, I set aside Nov. 1 to Jan. 1 as “60 days of Surrender” to pray and fast about if I would go on staff full-time with GCM and work at The Rock. I remember making my decision before Jan. 1 and didn’t tell anyone for a couple weeks.)

Dec. 18, 2007 – I titled this “the night it all changed”

“The recital was so bad. It looked like a rehearsal, yet I got the wind knocked out of me when she got up there to talk. She was glowing. I can’t even describe it. I was so proud/moved to see her up there.

Then it hit me. Being perfect doesn’t matter.

Doing it does.

It hit me with a ton of bricks and seeing her up there, living her dream, she opened a dance studio, look at all these girls lives she is touching… and she is so proud of them, she is so happy. I fought the tears. I waited and then gave her a hug…

Then there was the encounter at work today, where the janitor lady asked me what I was doing there.

‘You were made for more’, she said to me. ‘You are going places.’

How could she even see that… thank you Lord for confirming broadly in so many ways these last few days, who I am and what you’ve called me to do…

Tonight, I am 100% confident that I’m called to vocational ministry full-time with GCM. You will raise the support. I’m not letting it stop be anymore.

My trust and my hope is in the Lord, who has never failed me…”

December 29, 2007:

At Ignite, David Grotheim (staffer at Texas A&M) you know what Mazvita, everyone told us before we got married the first year is the hardest. It’s so hard, it’s so difficult, etc. when we finally came to a point where we said, you know what, God is always doing a new thing… Mazvita, He’s doing a new thing. God is always doing a new thing. Let’s believe he’s going to do a new thing in your life through this and that you’re experience will be different.

Those words have characterized my experience with support raising so far.

Also at Ignite I started telling people about my decision and began the application process right when I got back after God confirming the call in a couple dramatic personal encounters with Him at Ignite.

“You’re asking me to jump. And not just randomly, but with you.”

“I am sending you. Will you trust me? Do you love me enough to follow me down this path?” – God to me, Ignite

January:

Jan. 1, 2008:

“So 60 days of surrender is over and you are incredible, you are amazing, you have revealed so much to me. I broke down during the Saturday session in worship as I realized the weight of the call and how much I would be giving up. I realized why I am willing to do this. Why I am willing to lay my life down and do what seems crazy.

Not for anyone else, not for campus, not for Africa, not for my pastor, not for my friends, not for the girls, not for The Rock, not for the inner-city, but

Because I love you
Because I love you and I delight in you.

I have never heard your voice more clearly than in these last couple months, leading me on this path, the only thing stopping me was my fears.

February:

Can’t find any journals from that month but I know I wrote, so it’s somewhere in my car or room.

March:

(The grieving process begins for what it will mean saying bye to The Rock, canvas group, the girls during support raising)

March 19, 2008: “take my hand”

“I’m really broken right now… just read three chapters in A New Kind of Christian. My heart broke. This is the hope for which you speak of… the love what will save the word. Lord thank you for awakening me tonight and for an amazing night.

I started crying as I was driving as I realized this means everything.
This changes everything about how I live Lord.
Let me let it.

I started crying because I am scared. I am unsure. I know you’ve called me to be one of those to go and redeem the nations but I freak out about it. But in light of what it means, why do I. Lord, let me be filled with you, let me not be afraid…

It will cost you your life…
I feel like I’m in a forest, weaving through something which I cannot see.
Well you can go back and you know the way, you know what it is…
Or you can take my hand and follow me, go on with me. Just take my hand, He says.

My journey with God is a personal/living and alive, daily pilgrimage.

To live is Christ, to die is gain. I am beginning to feel I have no idea what this really means.”

April:

(The grieving process continues. I grieve things way in advance. March, April, may were probably the hardest months in realizing the reality of how hard it would be to be away from The Rock, but once June came, I was ready for the emotions since I had grieved the majority of what was happening.)

April 7, 2008

“awaken.”

That is one of my favorite words. Awaken me oh lord, awaken my heart. Lord GOD, I need more of you. I want you to awaken my heart to hear your song. I need to hear you. I need to see you. Lord, thank you for carrying me this afternoon… I ask you to be real. I ask you to reveal yourself to me.

April 8, 2008:

Jesus, the kingdom of GOD is here. Thank you for how encouraging these conversations have been. Lord, the kingdom of God is here.

It is at hand.
It is present
I am entering in and advancing it.

I praise you lord for what you have done.
I praise you and I thank you lord.
For giving me an opportunity to be with these people.

I am sad I will miss the fall.

I am sad I won’t be in McDavid for Spotlight anymore. I Love being able to look back at all the works you have done, all the good things you have started and accomplished this year in canvas group.

Because we were simply men and women willing to be used by God.
Lord, thank you for the vision and seeing it fulfilled in small and large ways...
Thank you for your goodness. For your faithfulness. Thank you that I am not the same person I was a year ago.
Jesus, thank you for using me, all my scars, all my failures, all my strengths, all me weaknesses.
Tonight I was like, I led this group?
No, you did. Lord, lead me, continue to lead and love me. I just want to love you back with all I have. I give you my life, Lord. Thank you again.

May:

“a long joyful obedience”

I was reading those words just a few days before in Mother Teresa’s book and decided that needed to be the title of my new journal that wold officially start off my new journey.

May 16, 2008

… Lord, I do not have what it takes, I do not have the skill set
the personality
the package

but you do
you complete me

without you I am nothing.
Lord, I’m desperate for you to move. I need you. Lord, move the mountains before me.
Move my fears. My anxieties. The million things I have to do before 3 pm Sunday when I leave. Move them Lord.

I ask you.

Lord, I ask you to make this time the most beautiful time with you. I want to encounter you and allow ppl to encounter you through me. Guide my journey. Let me be filled with you…

May 17, 2008:

Walking away

“Put your hand in his [Jesus] hand and walk alone with him. Don’t look back because if you look back you will go back.”

Jesus, hold my hand as I go.

Therefore go… I do not know why sometimes your voice is so audible I could have sworn someone was right behind me saying those words… Mazvita, I am sending you… therefore go… As I walked out, I felt I was walking alone now. Walking a path only you will go. I forget that you will also go with me. Before me and with me. Jesus meet me now. I want to know you. Let that be my goal in this time.

I walked out of Middlebush Aud. For the last time and said goodbye tonight. As soon as I walked out of those doors I felt a rushing wind carrying me.

Here begins the new adventure.
I trust you Jesus, but I’m still scared.
Be my vision. Help me keep my eyes on you.
I’m ready. My heart is ready to follow you. I trust you. I need you.

May 19, 2008: I turned 24 and it was my first day of GCM New Staff Training in Orlando, FL!

(training was awesome! It was an intense week as I’d been foretold. But it was probably one of the best weeks of my life. I know I am crazy. I think it was because it was the first real step in a dream becoming reality. I also got to talk with people in the Acts 29 movement who are urban church planters and a guy planting a church in Africa, this was really exciting since inner city and overseas is where I feel called long-term. I met some incredible men and women at training!)

June:

(I can’t find any journals from June or July, but here’s the first week of June in the back of the May journal, also week 2-3 of support raising)

June 3, 2008

Barren

That’s the word that keeps describing how I’ve felt. I feel like a barren woman whose children have been stripped way. I look at pictures of me and the girls or the cg and it seems like years ago. History. I feel empty, not myself without them or my community. Lord, help me. Meet my need for people. This separation and emptiness is more than I can bear.

I’m reaching out and don’t have anything to cling to… Nothing to hold, nothing to hold close….I feel like I have no stability. Everything is changing. Everything is new. It all feels like shifting sands. Things are moving so fast. I just want something that lasts.

August:

(recap on July and August, a time filled with rapid movement as I was working 70 hour work weeks – 40 hours my full-time job with the med. School, then 30 hours support raising in the evenings and weekends. Things were constantly on the move. Support raising was going well. But my heart was all over. I was experiencing heartache after meeting someone I hoped things would work out with and a whole other host of emotions this brings. I was also going through an intense season of God tearing down and rebuilding in the life of my heart).

August 11, 2008

Another dentist visit and its funny how many spiritual lessons I learn there.

"We have to extract the corrupted teeth before they affected the rest, we had to drill and dig and pull them out before we can even begin with any of the work," my dentist said.

Then today, more drilling, pulling out, to start to fill the empty places… That’s how I would describe what God is orchestrating in my life right now. It is messy, it is painful, yet it is needed before more damage takes place.

I’ve started losing steam. 70 hr. work weeks are catching up with me. I feel really burnt out and don’t think I can make it another 3 weeks on this job. I started disengaging long ago. I feel really bad. But I know tand they know my heart isn’t here anymore. That attitude sucks. But I feel the closer sept. 5 comes, the less I want to be here. I want to be full-time support raising. Right now I feel torn between two worlds.

September:

September 6, 2008

Released

I feel so much freedom. I feel released into assignment Lord, released now to raise support full-time so I can be released to do ministry full-time. You are so precious.

It is finished. These were the words I felt as I was walking down the hall I work.

You are released.
As I was walking down those familiar hospital corriders it hit me.

How much I was leaving behind.

How much I was entering into. Being sent.

I felt like I was transporting through
9 months
12 months
2 years

of waiting for this moment

where now my job is ministry.

Its not on the side but now here you rae…

The moments keep running through my mind at top speed as I was walking out of work that day… of all these days I woke upa nd went to david’s bridal even though I hated that job the entire year I worked there… of all the days I worked 2-3 jobs to save money. Or worked 2 jobs in Columbia so I could do associate staff. Or all the days I woke up before all of my roommates to go to a full-time job I got for the sole purpose of saving money to raise support. Of all the times someone would ask what I did and I would have 3 different workplaces I could share with them at any given moment…. It all came flooding back….

God you are faithful. You are so faithful. Man your timing is perfect. This moment was WORTH waiting for.

An ending and a new beginning. You alone are good.

October:

Streams in the Desert

I got a devotional called that and titled my new journal that as well…

October 9, 2008:

Lord, I thank you for today. For walking with me every step of the way. For blessing me with time with Donna today. For a new mentor, an amazing woman who totally speaks my language and is able to challenge and encourage and empower me. See my calling and remind me of the value of that. And call me baby girl. I love it!
Thank you Lord for older women in my life again. It is so great….

(A few days later.)

A new song…

I sing a new song to the Lord.
I love you back.

It is my joy
My honor
To be your beloved.

Come, come my child. Come and be my light.
I will be your light. I thank you for your glory and your presence and your fight over my life.

November:

First week of November began a rocky stretch that ended first week of December. It was a time of intense deep spiritual healing and the Lord taking me to deeper places of my heart and uncharted territory I didn’t feel ready to face.

“How do I get this feeling to go away. I am feeling emotions and experiencing things I haven’t felt in so long. How could one event trigger all of this. I wish I could go back in time. Anything to stop these nightmares from haunting me. What is worse is the nightmares are just reality coming back to surface. Only you can go there with me. But I can’t go alone. I know I am standing on the edge of a place I cannot go… alone.

Psalm 51… Have mercy on me, O Lord…

I sought the Lord and he answered me;
He delivered me from all my fears.

…the angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them…

deliver me…

December:

A new day

Let me put my hope
My trust
My security
My life…

In the Lord

That was the subtitle of this new journal.

“wait for the Lord,
be strong and take heart
wait for the Lord.”

December 20, 2008

Thank you Father for rescuing me.

“But my righteous one will live by faith….

We do not live by the faith in the son of God…

We live by the faith OF the son of God.

We are called to live a life we don’t have the power to live… we learn to live by the power of God…

We have to be completely broken down and stripped of all self-reliance.

Of anything we could rely on that is not you.

To learn how to be filled with the power of the risen Lord….

So do not throw away your confidence, the writer of Hebrews urges us…

He says, my righteous one will live by faith. In living by faith, we live in the reality of God. A reality more real than anything of this world throws before my eyes.