a season of ruthless trust

The call is the same…

There has been a continued season of inner separation and a deeper call to trust him with every area of my life.

This season has continued to be one of ruthless trust, even more so with a series of ever-changing circumstances, new and uncharted territory.

“So I’ll trust you, when I cannot see…"

The same journey the lord had me on when I was support raising, a season of leading me alone with him into the wilderness, further into the desert of my own soul, where he alone can give me peace and rest.

"Yet I will trust in Him..."

There is a necessity to this inner loneliness. Something deeply profound takes place that converts our hearts from trusting in broken cisterns that never satisfy to turning toward and looking to him alone who is worthy. To him alone who longs to satisfy our every need, who longs to give us life everlasting. And a fullness of life right now, here in the midst of these set of circumstances, this set of people, this particular job, this place in which we are living, the specific realties and tensions of which we live in. He longs to give us life. A life stronger than death.

I feel like this inner separation and dependence on the things around me, being completely stripped away from all I longed to cling to in the support raising journey, were vital experiences that God was using not only to deepen my dependence on him in that time, but it was also preparing my heart for this next season. He knew that I needed that inner reliance on Him in order to handle the challenges, joys and ever shifting sands of moving, saying goodbye to four best friends/roommates, entering a new house, finishing support raising, jumping into the craziness of campus ministry in the fall, starting a new relationship, adjusting to a new job/schedule, grieving and accepting, letting go of the changes, all that was lost, all that was gained, coming to terms with a new identity and a new image, being on staff and being in a relationship, getting used to the ways others relate to me now with my new roles, embracing all of these changes, running a million miles an hour, yet desiring just to be still in His presence.

I would not have been able to make it this semester if it were not for the reality of His grace in my life and His daily sustenance and walking with me every step of the way.

There is a tremendous vulnerability required to leave all that was once familiar and step into something new.

The most difficult of which has been being in a relationship. While I enjoyed being with Ben, one of the most challenging parts of dating was realizing how much of my identity had been formed on an image or perception of me being a strong, independent older girl in ministry, who was in love with the Lord and had a slew of community and friends, but did not need a man. Realizing the grieving that had to take place of missing being single revealed how much value I found in the identity and image I had created.

We’ve had a joke that I was more of the “guy” in the relationship in terms of me grieving and missing my singleness and the hard adjustment it was for me to be in a relationship. This was especially confusing because I have always longed for and desired God to provide a relationship and even more than that, a godly man as a life partner. A man to serve, lay down my life for, to cherish, encourage, build up, support, be on team with, do ministry and life together with, a companion and a life partner, someone who together we can continue to love the lord and ask for our lives together to make a stronger impact for the kingdom. These have all been desires for a long time, but the realities of being in a relationship, revealed how much I found incredible value in being single. In raising support as a single woman. In having a ministry as an older girl in the church, as being available to all the girls in the Rock, in having all of my time to devote and give to pouring out my life and empowering women to seek more of God and grow into the fullness of who he created them to be.

So somehow being in a relationship seemed to threaten all of that. But what I found in that was that God was using this relationship with Ben to tear down more of my walls of self-protection, and tear down the fortresses I had built in times of insecurity. He revealed to me that I had placed more trust in those fortress walls than I had in him protecting me, than I did in knowing that God would take care of me. So the more Ben became a part of my life, the more I felt like the lofty fortresses I had spent years constructing and the walls around my heart that had somewhat been demolished over the years, were coming down more and more.

So I have been called further into the wilderness, deeper into the desert and ushered more into His presence as He calls me to have ruthless trust in who He says He is, His character and His unfailing love for me. And for all of this I can say, Amen.

You are faithful.

Everything in our lives is given to allow us to experience the reality of who Jesus is more and the reality of who we are as a result.

This relationship is a gift of His grace. It is a blessing and a gift. Something I do not deserve. Yet, in God bringing Ben into my life, it has just been another reminder of many of his evidences of grace. As He ushers us into this new season of engagement, as we continue to look to Him as our leader and guide and give our relationship over to Him daily, we simply desire for Him to use two broken people like ourselves who are just trying everyday to follow Jesus. To hear his voice and to love Him more, to trust Him more and to from that love, love others. Our engagement and our marriage is a new beginning, yes, but also a continuation, just another step, another place on the journey that God has both of us on individually and together, a journey of continuing down the path to becoming more like Him. This new season of being engaged and preparing to be a wife, is just another stage in the journey. The journey deeper into the heart of God and becoming more like Him. He is faithful.

I feel I have never had to trust God more than the vulnerability and wrestling with the uncertainty of being in this relationship. My heart constantly wanted to go to a place it hasn’t been allowed to go until now. I had to fiercely guard my heart while still holding tightly to the hope and trusting that God knows what He’s doing, even though so many times I just wanted him to reveal the plan to me.

While our hope and desire was that God would lead us to engagement and marriage, Ben and I spent the last four months on a rigorous journey of intense evaluation and processing on whether we are God’s best for one another. This took place in a series of conversations about our visions and values, assessing our compatibility: emotionally, spiritually, physically :)), looking at both of our dreams and where God is taking us, our hearts for ministry, how we handle conflict and fights, how we handle stress, how we handle struggles spiritually, we have experienced a LOT of life together, and there’s been plenty of good things like little adventures to small towns and serving in ministry together, and having fun no matter what we’re doing… yet through it all, while marriage was a HOPE, Ben was strongly convicted that he should not promise anything unless he is putting a ring on my finger. This was a source of MUCH frustration and conflict, as the closer our hearts grew together, the more I wanted to know where he was really at and if this was it. It FELT like it and it SEEMED like it from the peace I had with God about marrying him throughout our entire relationship, how we interacted with one another in good and hard times, and through little glimpses of God providing things within him that were always things I prayed for and hoped the man I’d marry would have…

But I had to trust God for my everything. Ben could not promise or ensure a security that I so desperately wanted. Much to my frustration, this in turn ended up being a blessing because if we had discovered that we were not in fact supposed to be married, while both of us knew it would be a painful decision, we knew we would be able to have peace about looking back at our dating with no regrets, that ultimately we had honored one another and we had honored God and our community. We went about our relationship holding everything “open-handed” and hopeful, but not close-fisted and saying marriage was for sure the outcome.

Even now in engagement, I am grateful for the wrestling God did in my heart especially in the last month with placing my security entirely in Him. Even when we are married, I look to God as my Lord and Savior, my all in all. My security and trust has to still fully be in Him. He has called my heart to ruthless trust, as a single, engaged, married woman, because my identity has not changed, I still have the joy and the blessing of being Abba’s child, wholly and dearly loved. Though He ahs now blessed me with a man who reflects Christ’s heart and character to me daily, these are just glimpses and reminders of His grace and His great love for me.

I will trust in You.

You alone who lead and guide me. You alone who has walked with me every step of the way, I will trust You, for you are worthy to be praised and You are so incredibly faithful. Let my heart beat to praise You...