It's actually funny how many times I have wanted to come on here and write, or half-way wrote blog posts in my mind that just never made their way from my thoughts to the paper, or how many times I have wanted to get back in the habit of blogging. The many times I've wanted to write more or do something with my writing. And I was on the brink of beginning too, and then my best friend died.
Not only that, she was one of the biggest supporters of my writing. Not that my writing or my blog is great, but because she loved and championed my heart and the ways I would express it on here or in our interactions. She had a way of always making me feel valued. Seen in ways like never before.
One of the sad things was she was probably the only person who would still read my blog the two times a year I've probably posted on this thing from the days where I would write multiple blog posts a day. I haven't really kept it up and so whereas people, and when I say people I mean friends who knew I had a blog, would receive an email when a new post was published, she was really the only person I would hear from, I'd get a text or an email the next day telling me how much she couldn't wait to talk, that she loved reading my last blog post.
So, all of this to say, I've been afraid to come on here.
I've been afraid to attempt to put all that is happening into words because to be honest, if there's anything I hate or get frustrated with more in the world is when I would sit down to write and nothing comes out. We've all been there. And we find ourselves stunned that we aren't able to translate all that is going on in our minds and our hearts. It feels so strange, cruel almost. Yet, for many times that has stopped me and then one just popped in my head right now that I had not previously been aware of.
Another reason I haven't wanted to come write on here was that this time I wouldn't be hearing from her.
There are so many times a day (still) when I will have something funny to text her or serious, or have those moments of I'm just going to call Kate, or like today, something I ran into online that only she would get, I think a part of me knew this, but it hasn't fully surfaced till now, I have been afraid to come back on here and write, because I know I won't be hearing from her.
The whole thing is still just bizarre and surreal to me. It has nearly been two months, yet there are still times, sometimes several times a day when I can't really believe she's gone. A part of me when she first passed, felt strangely different from everyone else. As I saw people pouring their hearts out on social media, reeling from the loss as we all were in our different ways, and grieving, and then come to a point where (mostly the weekend of her funeral and the days after) were saying goodbye, I found myself telling my counselor, telling my husband, telling friends that I felt like something was wrong with me.
I realized I hadn't said goodbye. Nor did I feel or want to.
I slowly realized in the days to come that I still felt such a strong connection with her in my spirit. She was still alive in spirit and because we had such a soul connection, even when she had passed and was gone here in a physical body, her spirit still lives on, or now I shall said lived.
Because it has been different these last few weeks. I've been feeling her absence more and more each day and the other night in bed I realized I felt that she just disappeared and is somehow, somewhere going to come back.
"She just never woke up." Those five words will haunt me for a lifetime.
I have thought back to that day and that dreadful afternoon when everything was going great and then we got a call from my best friend's husband that I will never be able to shake the rest of my life.
I have so many questions. And the longer time passes they don't get easier.
Oh my gosh, I can't believe all of this has come out when I came on here to blog about the 40 Days of Purpose my small group is starting today as we are reading through The Purpose-Driven Life the next 40 days.
I was struck my something at the beginning of the book and several things in the first chapter I was going to tweet, then I realized I had so much more to say than the 6-8 quotes I was planning to share.
But you know what, maybe this is where I have to start. Maybe this is why I came on here, maybe there is where this 40-day journey begins.
If there's ever a time I needed direction, in so many ways and for so many reasons, now, this is the time. I'll post just one line, one line that seems to fit with where the direction of this post went, a sentence from the preface of the book I don't remember reading before that highlights the spiritual significance of 40 days:
"Whenever God wanted to prepare someone for his purposes, he took 40 days:
- Noah's life was transformed by 40 days of rain.
- Moses was transformed by 40 days on Mount Sinai.
- The spies were transformed by 40 days in the Promised Land.
- David was transformed by Goliath's 40-day challenge.
- Elijah was transformed when God gave him 40 days of strength from a single meal.
- The entire city of Ninevah was transformed when God gave the people 40 days to change.
- Jesus was empowered by 40 days in the wilderness.
- The disciples were transformed by 40 days with Jesus after his resurrection.
I don't know about you, but I desperately needed to hear that tonight. I am nervous, excited, and scared for what the next 40 days hold. But I know it is no accident that I am embarking upon this journey with God right here and right now.
I am desperate for God to move. Desperate for Him to reveal to me the things that once seemed so crystal clear. Who am I, where am I going, what am I here for, for what purpose was I created for, how do I get to where I am living as the woman of God you have created me to be.
Fully alive, fully functioning, fully immersed in her identity and calling as Abba's Child, fully delighted in, fully in love with her God, fully and confidently living out the calling He has given to me, Oh Lord, I ask you to transform me.
I think it is funny that I thought I was going to say 1-2 lines about Kate and where I am and then was going to be typing up parts of the preface and first chapter that spoke to me tonight
But I am reminded of a quote by one of my favorite authors, Ruth Haley Barton,
That we would be surprised how much our souls have so much more to say.
So for that, for this, for tonight, Lord, I thank you. I thank You because you alone know where you are taking me, what I am here for, the purposes of the pain as well as the joy in my life, how it all fits together and you alone can see what I desperately long for, to see the entire picture.
So I thank you. And I ask you to do more in these 40 days than I could ever ask for or imagine. Heal me, transform me, release me. And thank you for leading me on this unexpected twist and turn of tonight and letting my soul speak. Yes, Father, transform me.
"Set me free from my prison(s), Lord, that I may praise your name."
{psalm 142:7}
Yes, You are my Jehovah Jireh.
My God of great faithfulness;
My God of unfailing, everlasting love.
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