Reign of Love

RUN
I want to run from the very feelings pulling me deeper
To what is real

A life I thirst for
A life I know I was made for and will someday live.

I gotta long way to run.

LONGING
This longing only points to the fact that something is missing.

Something maybe not once had
But something you always...
knew

:::

Tonite I emceed a fashion show at The Intersection, a local nonprofit serving at-risk youth. I had a blast and the kids did such a great job. Yet once again I felt that longing, that tug.

It didn’t come till hours later.

It was a joyous occasion. We had a blast at the event. And a bunch of the organizers and I hung out late into the night.

Till I came home.

That nagging persisted.
Until moments ago when the tears came.

That familiar sense of longing
That agonizing pain of loss

Why is it that the peace that washes over me when a baby rests upon me and falls asleep or a 9-year-old girl rests her head upon my shoulder

Only points to a deeper longing and confirmation of a peace within…
For a moment nothing else exists, the world seems to stand still, a feeling of this is all that matters overcomes me...

That those things are pointing to the larger mission of what I was created for.

A part of me was created for the inner city
A part of me was created to empower women and awaken them to a better life, whether nine years old, 18 or 43 years old
A part of me was created to mother
A part of me was created to love, to nurture, cherish, to hold, to comfort

There is no separating the longing from who I am
In the depths

And so it lingers-

An all too familiar feeling
The moments when you feel most alive.

I found myself just now berating myself for getting attached.
Yet I cannot deny that those kids are uniquely tied to the core of my being
And part of the larger mission God has placed over my life.

I was so proud of those girls tonite.
One of the classes at The Intersection, The Ladies of Elegance, put on the show tonite. The Ladies of Elegance is a class teaching young teenage girls in the “inner-city” or “underprivileged” areas of Columbia what it means to be a lady, that they are ladies, and how to see themselves and treat themselves as such.

It is so central to the core of my being.

And to see these young girls lives and get a glimpse of what they could become. It kills me, yet in the same breath inspires me.

What will you give you life to?
Is the question that haunts me again and again.

As I’m reminded my life is not my own.
And that my story is a part of a much larger and grander and more beautiful story.
The Story of God and that while I’m struggling and pushing Him for the title, He is reminding me gently, He has barely even finished taking me through the page we're currently on. A page that has already been written, but not yet traveled. I try to rush ahead but His wisdom and His sovereignty brings me back to where we are in the book.

I don’t know what the story looks like.
I don’t know how it ends.
I don’t know what role they have in it.
I just know I have to pay attention...

to the things that make my heart leap.

I feel most at home and most at peace and alive, that sense, that feeling of this is what I was created for, in moments like tonite being with those kids. The kids that no one cares to love. The kids hungry for love and attention. Who want to know that they matter and that they too have a place in this world.

:::

The longing persists, but it is about much more than that.
The longing is accompanied by a whole host of questions. Questions I wish not to entertain. Again.

Fearful that they only point more to the depth of the longing, of which I’d forgotten the ache or managed to dull it, or fearful of what facing those questions might mean.

Will I ever be loved? Be a priority to someone?
Be pursued?
Be a mother? A wife? A bride?
When will I live in the inner-city?
Will I live in LA?
Am I called there?

When will I have a romance all my own?
Who is the man you are calling to be in this great adventure with me?
What is he like? And when will our lives cross paths?
Will I have kids all my own to parent?
What does that look like? And when?
Will I live overseas?

I find it utterly absurd yet it makes perfect sense that there could be things and places I long for and haven’t yet known that seem more real to me and more natural than some of the places and things I have even experienced.

It’s like how I felt when I got to Honduras.
The minute I stepped off the plane, it felt like home.

It felt like Africa.
But I have never been to Africa, how could I know…

It was exactly what I know it will feel and be like.
Something in my heart saw home.
Recognized, felt and sensed it deep within.

I long to be loved. To be pursued, sought after. Enough.
I long to be the object of one’s affection. The one that makes their heart stop.
The one they are willing to do anything for. Drop anything for. Lay down their life.

I long to do the same.

But I long to dismiss the thoughts because they could be utterly fiction. It could not be the life I am called to.

I know that is not where true life is found.
I know that is not my source of identity, worth or value.

So why the nagging sense of longing once again?

:::

In the last year, the most dramatic work has taken place as far as the Lord stripping me away of all my false comforts and bringing me into deeper communion with Him.

Where He alone could speak to me about my beauty, worth and value.
Where He alone could show me and allow me to experience what it means to be loved, what it means to be seen, known, pursued, sought after, delighted in, cherished, the object of one’s affection, chosen, held, wanted, desired and adored.

They have been powerful lessons. Lessons continuing to deepen and lessons that will forever stick with me.

At the same time the Lord has undergone a major reconstruction and restoration process in my view of marriage and relationships and of men in general, especially Christian men.

I have more hope than ever for God’s purposes for marriage. I am filled with more hope in the anticipation of one day being called to be a lover, a servant, a life-giver, a wife, an encourager, a life partner, a best friend, and soul mate with the man who most beautifully will reflect the Father’s love to me and I to Him.

Someone to be on an adventure with. Someone to do life with and to serve alongside. Someone to change the world with, one person at a time. Someone who will strengthen and challenge me. Someone who will cause me the greatest joy yet also the deepest hurts. A relationship forged in grace, trust, forgiveness and love. A continual process of repentance and acceptance. A mirror, of which my own sin and brokenness is only further illuminated, yet brought into the light so it can be healed. Someone who God will use in a way no other person will have had access to my life, someone who will deepen my walk with the Lord and allow me to fall more in love with Him as a result, and prayerfully I the same in their life.

I get more excited about the thought of how much he will be worth the wait.
Because now I know the “real”… now that I know what those type of men actually look like, I cannot settle, I am finding myself even more quickly saying no to the counterfeits that come along because they are so much easier to pick out now.

Once you have seen the real, a substitute will never satisfy.
They are no longer illusions.

For that guy, the one who will be worth the wait, is chosen by the Lord. Chosen by One who knows me better than I know myself. Who knows my innermost being. Who knows the type of person and the man He has created for me to more beautifully reflect the Gospel with to this broken world.

My vision of marriage has never been more exciting and alluring to me.

It’s crazy that in this period of the Lord speaking to me so clearly and powerfully about my identity and worth in ways I was never able to hear before, that He has brought along men to show me a new picture of what godly men truly look like, that they do in fact exist, and how I should be treated.

I remember the first example more than a year ago, I told Kate as she picked me up from the airport…

It was more how I felt around him…

I have never felt like that in the presence of a man before.

Woah, I’ve never heard you say that before, I remember her commenting.

I continued..

There was a security in his presence. An overwhelming sense of admiration, acceptance and sheer delight.

I felt free. I felt enough.

For the first time I had the thought, by just the way he looked at me, that I was going to be worth the wait to someone... that not only were they a gift to me, that I would be the one his friends would talk about, that I was a gift in his life...

He had a gentleness that commanded respect.
A strength that was characterized by tenderness.

It was as I was describing him to her I realized, no man has more accurately portrayed Jesus to me.

I recognized it the minute I was around him. And knew that was what I was looking for.

Not necessarily this guy, but a guy who reflects and relates to me in the exact reflection of the way Jesus relates to me in our unique relationship.

There have been several people and several men who I have seen the reflection of God in, but this was different.

This was strangely familiar.

When I experienced that and knew it was real, I began to understand what some of my married friends have explained. Something I thought was cool but probably not something I would be fortunate to experience myself.

That feeling of, this person is the closest reflection of Jesus to me. He relates to me in the exact ways I need to be loved. It directly mirrors the ways in which the Lord loves me and speaks to me. That I will be able to say, "No he’s not perfect, but he is so obviously chosen and hand picked by my Creator, to be my husband."

I cannot wait for this! It's going to be so amazing.
But at the same time I’m know I'm not living for this. I know this isn't all I'm living for.

That's not what my life is about. I've already found that. I know what my life is about. Yet these longings do exist and persist and are real, maybe even desires planted by Him.
Part of me wrestles with the men that have shown me glimpses of the type of man I feel God would choose for me. It only seems to awaken something within I wish would lie dormant.

Or not exist at all.

But that is not the answer either.

I long to be fully alive.

I’m reminded of those wise words, “to be alive is to be broken.”

I’m also comforted by Tozer’s remarks, "Thirsty hearts are those whose longings have been wakened by the touch of God within them."

These longings remind me of my need for my one true source of love. These longings that I hate and despise in one breath, yet am grateful for in the same vein, point me to Him again and again.

Even tonight, the journey traveling these longings took me was unexpected, leading to hope not sorrow. A reality found in facing life and all it’s fullness, not running and shying away from that which we fear.

:::

I don’t have answers to all my questions.
I don’t know why those I wish would pursue me have not.
I don’t know why yet I am most sure my worth coming from Him that in the same breath I am tempted to link my value with their acceptance or rejection of me, I don’t know when that fight will end or if I will ever stop fighting it.

I don’t know why I know I was made for other lands yet am not living there now.
I don’t know when or how.
I don’t know if I will ever live or serve in the inner-city.

I don’t know if the children will come.
I don’t know if I will ever mother kids all my own, or if I will be a mother to many of different walks of life, different nations, tribes and tongues.

I don’t know if the longing for companionship will ever go away, some days felt, some days not, or if it will itself become a lifelong companion.

I don’t know what others are thinking or what I even think about them, if I’m really honest.
I long to be known and to know. To love and be loved, this is what I was created for.

Holy longings, only to be filled by you.
My daily, desperate prayer for the last year, has been a variation of these words,

Come and fill Come and fill Father come and fill me up with you Come and fill Lord Jesus Come and fill Come and fill me with joy Love Peace In your presence I need you now more than never Be near

So this emptiness, once despised, has become a blessing.
If I wasn’t so aware of my need for You, I probably wouldn’t talk to You as much
I probably wouldn’t have to rely on You so much, moment to moment

For each next step of every day

:::

I’m reminded and find a strange sense in being able to relate to her words here though I am far from living the life or having the relationship she had with Jesus,

But Mother Teresa starts No Greater Love with these powerful words and these words were her secret, the life she had was because she knew God’s love and simply lived and relied upon it… day by day, moment by moment. That was it,

“I don’t think there is anyone who needs God’s help and grace as much as I do. Sometimes I feel so helpless and weak. I think that is why God uses me. Because I cannot depend on my own strength, I rely on Him twenty-four hours a day. if the day had more hours, then I would need His help and grace during those hours as well. All of us must cling to God in prayer.

My secret is very simple: I pray. Through prayer I become one in love with Christ. I realized that praying to Him is loving Him.”

Amen.

*Photo by Keith Montgomery of two of my friends, Chris and Aimee Swift, recently married. This is one of my favorite photos and struck me as a beautiful portrayal as I was contemplating the longing for a romance within the Greater Romance and Story we are being invited into.