And this is where it all began. Bringin' sexy back way back in the dark ages of '07, a few nights before Jenni moved in. (So I started writing a series of posts to catch up right before I left for Colorado last week, but ended up turning in at, you know the ripe hour of 4:30 am, since I had a full day of travel ahead. So let's continue, my goodbyes to Jenni and celebration of our friendship. This was written as I was in the most difficult part of grieving this goodbye and I wasn't able to post it until now when I was in a much different place. It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that I am largely an external processor and this is a part of my process of "letting go" and saying goodbye while at the same time being incredibly grateful!)
Well, really this is where it all began...
That's right, folks, none other than David's Bridal. I will never forget my first day of work and meeting Jenni.So Jenni and I had a series of goodbyes, the final goodbye neither one of us was expecting to be as hard. But as I pulled a part from the last Jenni hug I would have in a long time and saw her eyes full of tears, I knew I had to get in the car and quick.
Jenni, who will always be Jenni the Fox to me, even though she has officially traded the last name “Fox” for “Rea” as she married a lovely man named Joel Rea, is now in Okinawa, Japan. Her husband, a marine, is now stationed there.
I would say it really began in a series of Chipotle and Starbucks dates (cause we'd always do that combination, I mean how can you resist a white mocha when it's right next door to both of the Chipotles in town)... I will never forget when a deep friendship truly began tho, outside Starbucks in Broadway Bluffs...
That conversation where we both realized we were lonely… but at the same time realized we both had a really good time with each other… we’d just laugh and the next minute be back to the depths of life and close to tears, as this photo above accurately represents our time together as best friends and roommates. This little household saw many laughs, many tears and many bonds of sisterhood...
This was right before I officially broke one of my cardinal rules, you’re NOT supposed to live with a best friend. I was always under the impression this would ruin a friendship. But I think because both of us were fearful of that, we communicated a lot about how to make sure that didn’t happen, and living together only strengthened our friendship.
In fact, as I walked out of her parent’s house last Saturday (June 27) as she walked me to the car to say goodbye, I realized we really were sisters in every sense of the word. And I truly had become, as all the family already called me, but I truly felt it in that moment, the fourth Fox girl.
Jenni was the sister I never had.
I say was because I know our relationship will always look different from this point forward. We were close sisters for these few moments in time, nothing will ever change that, but it won’t always be the reality we live in as it was in these last couple years.
In not only living together, but sharing the master bedroom in the lower level of our duplex, you come to know someone at a deeper level, nothing remains hidden, the good or the bad.
I realized that’s what it was. As I sat there with her, most of the family also in the kitchen, but we were in our own little world.
There was an intimacy between us that was real. That only comes in knowing someone truly and deeply. We did LIFE together, we were a part of the daily ins and outs of each others lives, we cried together, we laughed together. We challenged our walks with the Lord, we asked each other constantly what Jesus was doing in our lives, we spoke love and truth to one another, we reclaimed each other’s chosenness and reminded each other that we mattered, we fought, we made up, we loved on another.
I realized that was one of the most beautiful pictures of intimacy, an intimacy that is experienced and birthed in a series of experiences with each other.
But that’s just it.
That word, “with” kept sticking out to me.
The thing was, our goodbye, had taken place in stages. As the first three months of their marriage (Feb. to May) they spent apart while they both finished school and as Feb. was the only guaranteed time off Joel had before getting stationed overseas… her traveling two weekends a month began the process of her being absent. In our home and in my life.
Then after she graduated in May, she moved to California, where Joel was doing another training, and so we said our goodbyes then, thinking that was the last time I’d see her before she moved to Japan.
Then, the were able to come to St. Louis before being shipped out to the marine base, so we got to see each other a couple weekends ago!
After having only talked on the phone here and there and facebooking/emailing each other, seeing her in person again and picking up where we left off, I realized that was what I would miss the most… being WITH her.
And that’s were the grieving began later that night, and even as I fought away the tears on the 50 minute drive from her house in Imperial to Chesterfield where I was meeting Olivia at her church, and knowing I’d be meeting all of her friends there…
I realized that was the thing, we’d never be “with” each other in that way again. I have never felt more known by anyone, I remember her telling me at one of our first few goodbyes in May.
And I realized, as Joel and his sisters and Jenni’s family just watched us in amazement at the other side of the kitchen in our own little world, that there was something real and beautiful between us. Yet no one, except her husband, will ever know her in that way again, because she will never have roommates again. And that I realized, I desired to be have an intimacy that mirrors and surpasses that with future loved ones.
There was just such a tremendous freedom in our relationship.
We brought out a side of each other that others never truly got to see.
“I miss you guys, I miss all the laughter.”
Her mom said after Jenni and I had been giggling nonstop for the first 10 minutes I was there, yet talking in hushed voices so the rest of the room didn’t know all the secrets we were sharing that couldn’t have been shared over the phone or email in the last month and a half since we last saw each other in person.
I came to church that night and the message totally ripped my heart open… it was nearly everything I had been wrestling with on the drive to Windsor Crossing and I couldn’t believe it.
I realized that “with” that word is so limiting… because what is so hard about goodbyes is knowing you won’t be “with” that person like you once were.
And where does it end.
People are always moving. It doesn’t change the rest of our lives.
People are constantly coming and going from our lives, I found myself not knowing how many more “Jennis” I could stand to lose. But the message talked about a solution to this heartache of one who was once “with” us as well, but it wasn’t good enough. It WAS limiting. He could only be in one place at a time. So He died so that he could live not only “with” us, but “in” us. Forever. No goodbyes. No leaving. He is always with us. I’ll probably write more about the way this guy presented the gospel because it was powerful. But in my heartache that night and the fact I was just lamenting on the limits of the word “with” I couldn’t believe that the sermon was about that same word…
It was a sobering presentation of the gospel message yet deeply moving and comforting. In the response time, I could feel my tears betray me. Any moment and I would lose it. I finally swallowed my pride and even though I was supposed to meet a ton of Olivia’s friends and people in her young professionals home group and didn’t want to have a tear-stained face cause that always makes for a great first impression, I finally was like, you know what it really doesn’t matter.
The Lord had a lot he wanted to speak to me about and it was right then.
I went to the bathroom and just wept. Like cried so hard my chest hurt.
I felt like something inside of me was literally dying. And a part of me was. The part that came to life in that friendship.
I realized I was mourning. Grieving something precious that seemed to have just gotten ripped out of me. I couldn’t believe it was hitting me so hard. It wasn’t hard when she initially left “for real” in May, and I was actually encouraged that this last round of goodbyes with close girlfriends was so different from the last time, a testimony of the Lord bringing me to a deeper security in Him and a more deeply rooted identity in Him. I was surprised that while I had processed my feelings honestly there was still more “feeling” in there. I had known it was coming for months, yet there were greater depths Jesus wanted to take me to. And even as he just wanted to let me cry and get it all out. And knowing part of what made it so hard was both of us knew it was a pretty “final” goodbye. They won’t be able to come back for years.
I realized as I was driving away from her house that day how special that relationship was.
Things like that are only given by the Lord.
It’s one thing to know how much someone means to you and the impact they’ve had on their lives, how they have made you a better person, but to have someone feel irrevocably the same way.
And I realized that I always try to control goodbyes.
It always has to be on my terms. But that's not how life works.
But to see someone deeply affected and someone I know who does not cry very often, in tears when I left, reminded me that to her, I mattered too. and I mattered deeply and will always have a special place in her life and she has in mine. I am so blessed. And so grateful. And to think, it all started from a job we both took “randomly” and disliked several aspects of the work environment, yet we say the only good thing that came out of that seemingly “random” job when both of us were at crossroads in our life was… one of the best friends we’d ever had.
Here are some of my favorite moments and mostly big changes in her life the last couple years:
July 2008: Jenni leaves for Africa! A goodbye we had at Addisons with friends from her church, Christian Fellowship. Jenni spent two years straight outta high school working at an orphanage in Burkina Faso, West Africa. When I met Jenni she was just entering her second year of school even thought we're closer to the same age, but this time in Africa was more than worth it as it is a mission she was created for. It was really exciting to see her have the opportunity to go back last summer for a month to see her babies in Burkina! This experience has radically affected her life and she has a heart that is unreal because of how the Lord pierced her heart and taught her so much in that time.
October 2008: Surprise b-day for Jenni at our casa!
January 2009: Jenni gets engaged in December and prepares for a Valentine's Day wedding! Here's her shower/bachelorette party at our house, thrown by the fabulous Fox sisters!
February 14, 2009: Announcing Mr. and Mrs. Second Lieutenant Joel Rea!
They are super cute. And from the minute I met Joel when he came to visit over winter break, I knew he was perfect for my girl. He is an incredible man of God. AND a lot of fun. I also knew he was the one when we got into the car to go to Chipotle and he was blasting the new T.I. cd, which I had just purchased a couple days before and was in love with. We share a common love for T.I., I knew he was a keeper :)
February 14, 2009: Jenni's sisters and Joel's sisters were bridesmaids, so other close friends like Hope (another roommate) and myself helped out in other ways. I was her wedding coordinator and Hope was in charge of the receptions. Yes, plural.
And these are my beloved roommates, also another perfect representation of our experiences together lol. I LOVE these girls and will miss our times together in the Pimlico house. Hope moved three weeks ago for grad. school.
This is the face we woke up to. And her only bridezilla moment of the day haha.
ATT-T-I-TUDE! Can I just say I love this picture. To the left is Cheryl Fox, Jenni's second to oldest sister and to the right of Jenni is Jeanine Rea, Joel's sister who is my age. These girls are SO much fun, we had a blast the weekends of the showers and the wedding and family get togethers!
May 2009: Last night as roommates, none other than Flat Branch. Come on.
The next day... Jenni graduates! I have learned so much from this incredible woman of God and love and will miss her dearly. I am so blessed to have had the time we had together and to always have her as a part of my life. God is so good and I am so grateful for friendships like these He has given me over the years that are truly reflections of His love and His faithfulness. I know just as I am trusting the Lord to bring new women peer relationships into my life that He will provide for Jenni as she works to build new relationships and a new community within the other military wives and families on the base in Okinawa. The Lord is our Shepherd, He leads, guides and provides for His children."He gives and takes away... my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name..."
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