On death and dying

Pain.
Heartache.
I don’t want to go back there again.
I told some friends the last couple days, I felt like I was trying to break up with someone I’m not even dating. But he wouldn't let me.

Maybe if I hadn't experienced what it means to be truly loved by the One, or shown an earthly example of what it means for a godly man to treat me how I finally deserve to be treated, I wouldn't have recognized it so quickly or be so quick to severe ties and know this is not something I will let come between me and God.

There is a death, to each new beginning.

There is a separation, before wholeness can begin.
Only broken hearts can be made whole.
Pain.
My insides are colliding. I feel upside down. The anger within me is rising.

I feel I am losing control.
I don’t want the enemy to win.
It’s not about me doing it right.

It is right that I am repulsed.

Then, with the guy I want to pursue me, I am starting to not feel good enough.
Now I am starting to feel like he is out of reach.
That she is better.
and i make assumptions again based on what i perceive not necessarily what is reality.
We are no more.

with the current situation and "breakup"

I told him,

If I were dating someone, or if I were married, our relationship would NOT be okay, so it’s not okay now.

And I should have known that he didn’t understand then, he wouldn’t understand now.

TAINTED LOVE

Tonight the lies seemed to scream louder than the truth.
I cried, God help me.
Satan is screaming the lies to me. I could hear them so loudly I put my hands over my ears and cried and cried for you to come for me.

You are no good.
You will never be free.
This is where you belong.
This is all you will ever get.
He is all you deserve.
You deserve dysfunction.
I felt the enemy’s snare strongly around my ankle, trying to pull me in.
I have never felt so strong a pull, trying ot pull me into this pit.
And I didn’t want to go in.

That’s probably my biggest frustration.
I saw the hole and am screaming, hey, I don’t want us to fall in again.
I want to be friends.
I don’t want to go back to what we were.

But you cannot see it.

I’m standing over here on the other side of the street.
Looking at the hole.
I see how large it is.

He doesn’t see the hole though.

So he lives there. Telling me I’m overreacting.
Everything is say is immediately dismissed.
But you are wrong.

But I know what it’s like to be free.

I’ve been over here for a while now.
I’m healthy now.
I’m better.
I like it over here.
God is taking care of me.
Giving me a new heart.
I don’t want to go back there.
I don’t want this with you anymore.

It’s different from all the other times.

Before I still liked you.
I wanted to hold on to one last bit of what we were.

Now it repulses me.
I feel sick to my stomach.
I’ve been made well. Washed clean.
And now just the sight of it makes me feel turned upside down.

A part of me is dying.

All day I have felt covered in shame. It has been the worst day in the longest I can remember.

i was free. i was living in the father's affection, daily.

i can count the bad days in the last three months on one hand. i don't remember when the last one was. you're not going to ruin me.

Our relationship only reminds me of the “old” me and you cannot see the new me or what God has done in my heart.

You refuse. and you try to keep me in that box of who I once was and how we once interacted.

You don’t appreciate it.
You don’t respect me.
You don’t treat me like a woman of God.

You treat me like who I once was.
You desire control over me.

The scariest thing with overcoming co-dependency is realizing I no longer need you but you desperately still need me.

And that’s why it’s so hard to walk away. But this is what tough love means. To do what is best for not only my heart but yours too.

You don’t know what it means to guard my heart.
Or why guys and girls can’t be emotionally connected like this.

I’m letting go.
I’m letting go and trusting God will take care of you.
Each death brings a new beginning.

A time to die.
A time for new life.