DISCLAIMER ONE: What do I mean by "hand over the gun," a phrase speckled throughout this and the posts above and below? Here's some background.
DISCLAIMER TWO: So, the funny thing is, I wasn't planning on writing anything. But after writing all of this, I am in a different place than I was an hour ago and doing so encouraged my heart, reminded me of truth and the faithfulness of the One who has been with me on this journey as well as others in the past and who has and will carry me through it all.
I was going to post a few quotes and leave it at that, not share any of the personal meaning behind it, but obviously there was more my soul wanted to say.
I think it is ironic that in a post about self-protection I am now adding a disclaimer at the top sharing one of the ways I have become incredibly self-protective as a result of many of the hurts and wounds I have dealt with in this season, by admitting one of many reasons why I have not been sharing much publicly on my blog lately.
But, I have been on a journey with God that has been life-changing and transforming. One of many things that has led to my distance from sharing on here was a realization that came after an experience in a recovery course over the summer, "Conquering Co-dependency," where I learned about several destructive and unhealthy thinking and behavior patterns that have been so deeply engrained in me that I would have never even thought or recognized them as co-dependent tendencies. But I cannot describe the freedom and joy and life that has followed. I cannot describe what it feels like to be free of so much I had no idea was shackling me, and truths and a God who is still setting me free.
Well one of the biggest things that came out of that which has been a huge remedy to my wound and desire to be understood, was the realization that others do not have to understand or know about something in order for it to be real.
I have felt this pressure for years, that my friends or others had to know what was going on as if to somehow validate it, but now, He has led me to a place where just Him knowing is truly enough. I don't have to, nor is it my job, nor am I even able to "make" people understand. We all have and I have a God-given desire to be connected to others and to be known, yet this was critical for me in realizing that something is real and things are happening even if others don't know about it.
They don't have to know in order for it to be real. This has ushered me into a new journey and season and place, though there are days when the wounds still hurts or there are more wounds to be dealt with, I also can let go of having to share or have people know everything. Going through it and living it is enough.
Yet, in these last several months, I have thought many times about shutting down my blog. Or making it private, which I've done from time to time. Or having it but not writing about anything personal, but sharing something that was connected to something personal, which is what I have been doing the last few weeks with sharing verses that have allowed me to process on here a bit, but with not going into detail the situations or circumstances surrounding them.
It is one of the ways I have been protecting myself and set a boundary that has been healthy for me, not all bad because the truth is, while the last 12 months have been spent identifying, addressing and reconciling many of the wounds that have come in this season, I do still struggle with trusting others right now and there are many times the world does not feel safe.
So there are many times it does not feel "safe" to share on here beyond what I have been recently posting, but today as through the breakdown I had earlier, my heart needed to get this out and while there are times I'm not able to nor feel the need to share more on here, today it was a way of me releasing and letting go, and "handing over the gun."
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"All of us develop ways of adjusting and staying safe in the midst of whatever danger or difficulty is present in our environment. We develop these patterns before we are conscious that we are doing so, and they become very normal to us.
Because these patterns are formed unconsciously while we are still young, as adults we have little conscious awareness of these adaptations until they start to hamper our current relationships and no longer serve the journey that God is inviting us to."
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