A Grief Observed

“To be alive is to be broken…”

I wrote this on grief a couple months ago and decided to now post it after sharing it with several close friends and mentors as I was in the midst of the hardest part of the pain when I shared it with them to better help them understand. Tonight, another Tuesday night at recovery and driving around afterwards trying to process and cry out to God, I'm finding there are depths of our pain and parts of our souls only He can see, know, and touch. Yet, I’m tired of being broken. I’m reminded of one of my friends who noted that being human means being broken. So to say we’re tired of being broken is to say we’re tired of being human. But that’s exactly what I’m saying. Sometimes the vastness of the pain, the 9/10ths that others cannot see is so real you wonder how they can’t see it. you wish you could just get past it. but the only way is through it. you long to feel whole, okay again. or maybe you never were, it was only an illusion, yet now the reconstructive process will allow you to become whole. Of being who He has already made us to be. And realize you can only get to wholeness step by step. As more grief has to be observed and endured.

written Feb. 16, 2009:

So, it seems this usually happens where everyone around you is going through something difficult including yourself, or you are doing good and everyone around you is falling apart. But I’m finding with this recent experience where a few good friends and I have been walking through different challenges together, there is incredible power in knowing that brokenness is something we all share, it comes in seasons, it comes in varying degrees, but none of us are immune to pain.

Aren’t all of our deepest heartaches attached to someone?

Recently those close to me have been grieving a breakup, a death in the family, loss of how things could have been or should have been, their childhood…

Grieving reminds us that something or someone very important has been lost… that something very real and close to our hearts has been taken away. It has a way of disrupting normal life.

Coming undone…

But many of us fear what comes up in our grieving, but really the reality of our weight and emotions is simply coming to the surface.

I know for me, grieving something personal I’m not writing about on here has been weighty. And incredibly frustrating.

I knew the value in it, I knew the ending would be coming soon, I knew I wouldn’t feel like this forever, but there is something within us that just wants life to stop unraveling…

I had a conversation with a little girl this week, who taught me more than she will ever know in just a few words. “I am sad,” she said.

Her honesty struck me. Part of me was struck by the simplicity of her words and how easily they rolled off her tongue and the other part of me was envious. As adults, we fear being that honest with our feelings, yet it is so healing. We have so much to learn from children. They are not afraid to be who they really are. We fear people cannot handle us, on our good days or our bad days. But we all just need safe people who can handle the full weight of all we are.

As I’ve been processing and talking about my grieving process with close friends and mentors, I’ve found a lot of encouragement lately and experienced God in a way like never before. Grace takes on a new meaning. The difference between a grace you know is out there, to a grace you learn to rely upon each day, each moment.

A few things I’m learning about grief and grace:

Grief is uninvited.

It has a way of entering in and disrupts the life we once had… or “the life that masquerades as life…”

Grief is sudden. It simply brings reality to the surface and the difference between what we thought and reality leaves us caught in the void.

Grief has to be endured.

There is no way to speed it up, or to stop it or to make it go away, which is so frustrating when all you just want to feel better again…

The mourning lasts for the night, but His joy comes in the morning,

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Isaiah 40:29

“Grief is exhausting. Physically we are fatigued. Mentally we are spent. Emotionally we are drained. Spiritually we are crushed. Weariness seems to cast a shadow over all of life. We drag through the days. We are without strength and without power…

God comes to us in the weariness and weakness of grief with gifts of strength and power. God does not shame us for our weakness. God does not reject us for being too weary to function. We may be tempted to refuse God's gifts either because we want to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps, or because we don't believe we are entitled to receive good gifts. But, nevertheless, God offers us good gifts in seasons of grief. God offers strength and power. When we can admit our need and are ready to be honored by the Giver of these gifts, they can be ours.”

Grief allows us to meet God as Comforter.

“There are times when there is no consolation for grief. There is no comfort. In these times we feel that those who try to comfort us do not understand the vastness of our pain. All we know, all we see, is the terrible loss we have suffered. The world feels as if it should stop. Nothing matters but our loss.

We weep and rage and long for the return of what we have lost.

There are times in our lives for weeping without comfort, for weeping with anguish and rage. God has come before into times like this. God comes as well into our times of anguish and rage. Because God comes there will eventually be a time to be comforted. And a time to heal. And a time to go on.

But there is a time to weep. It cannot be rushed, or bypassed. There is a time for weeping.”

Grief has to be shared.

One of our deepest needs is to be understood… sometimes, actually, the majority of the time not everyone will fully understand or be able to relate to all you are feeling, but there is incredible power in sharing our wounds with others. Pain is pain, and I’ve been learning in the last few years, the best people who can relate to me when I’m hurting as others who I know have had God walk them through situations where they were hurting. I experienced this recently as I witnessed something incredible beautiful take place where tears were shared and met with love and understanding… I left feeling a little bit more whole.

God never calls us to walk these valleys alone. Our brokenness keeps us connected to our Healer and reminds us of the grace he freely offers, a grace we step into each step of the way.

“But, I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

A friend and I recently had a conversation about this passage and noted how the Apostle Paul didn’t just ask God to take away his “thorn in his flesh” he implored him three times, begged, asked with all he had for it to be removed… how many times have we also cried in our torment… God, if you would please just take away ______ or if you would just do ______ …

But His loving reply to Paul is the same to us… He says, My grace is sufficient for you…

One translation of one of the beatitudes says, you’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. Jesus knew the end of ourselves was the beginning of truly living a life in Him that He offers.

Also, grace gives us eyes to see beyond our situation.

We know that the only way we will endure is by His provision and walking by Him each step of the way. Grace allows us to see and know the only way we will get through it is by His grace and that rejoices in how the situation will give glory to God, now and once it is over.

When we walk through hardship and trials and grieve, we don’t know where the strength is coming from to face the next day, let alone the strength to step into the next moment.

But in those times, a new grace is revealed to us. The grace I think God was talking to Paul about in this passage…

A grace that sustains, a grace that carries. Not grace in the overall sense that we supposedly know and understand, but a grace that has been provided for us, each day, that we have to go out and receive. A grace that is not there until we take that next step. A grace experienced when we learn to live in ruthless trust.

“Wholeness is brokenness owned and thereby healed.”

“Therefore we do not lose heart.”