expectations vs. expectancy

God is a verb.
- Buckminster Fuller

Everything I ever needed to know about God, I learned in The Shack.
Totally kidding, I know that will have everyone up in arms with my theology.

But, seriously, a beloved woman in my life helped me to see the difference between living with expectations versus living with expectancy in a situation in her life a few weeks ago and its just now all catching up with me as there have been several lessons along the same lines in my own life as of late. She said that was the biggest thing God spoke to her about in The Shack (the whole expectations vs. expectancy thing) and I was trying to remember if I even remembered reading that part. Somehow I missed it, as there were lots of other lessons I gained from the book.

Moving from expectations to expectancy is quite the paradigm shift. Thank you, The Shack for reminding me of that beloved phrase. But seriously, over the last week, God has been shifting a lot of my thinking and helping me to see in a lot of areas in my life where I live out of expectations. When those expectations are not met, this turns into disappointment, anger and hurt. And we all know that those turned inward turns into depression. I kept noticing this cycle and was feeling like, I’m just putting my hope in these things and not the Lord, but knew it was much more complex than that. Sure misplaced worship was a factor, yet there was more God wanted to show me underneath it all.

The other day as I was praying about a series of situations where I released I was putting my hope more in them and specifically them working out a certain way, I realized I had missed it. Because really what I was saying in my head and even in my prayers is, I trust God for you to do this and for you to do this in this way. This was related to support raising, to other trust issues in my relationship with God, with relationships, I realized instead of saying God, I trust you… I made it into, somewhere over the course of time, I trust you to meet these expectations.

Ouch.

So then, when those expectations are not met, by the God I think subconsciously I can control, but would never admit or even be aware that that is what I’m really doing, I get angry. And frustrated. And feel confused and have a lot of questions for God. Usually this triggers self-doubt or shame or feelings of failure or inadequacy.

As I was praying and looking to God to break through, I just wanted to hear His voice. I was searching His word and searching for promises I could cling to. I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere. I was more broken than ever. I nearly cried when Garrett asked me how I was doing after I met with one of my new equippers for next fall and held it together while meeting with the student with him, but little did he know I had cried that morning already before I got there. My frustration bringing me to my knees before the only One who could help me make sense of it all. I was glad I didn’t start crying cause as I got into what was bothering me, another student from our church walked up, Garrett’s next appt. but he offered to come find me at my coffee shop we call my office.

I was thankful for the offer, and knew he’d stop by if he had time, but my state of mind alerted me that me and Jesus had some talking to do. (this state birthed my poem "Love Lost and Found" I recently posted.) I went to a place to go pray and was determined to leave hearing from Him. It was a beautiful time of just crying out to Him where God revealed to me several things in our relationship that were breaking His heart. He tenderly brought me to see these things and how they were affecting how I live.

I ended up going to a book back to the beginning of the Tozer book I’m reading when this statement totally captured my attention again,

“What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.”

I was caught off guard by the first thing that came to mind. It was so drastically different from what happened a month ago when I read those words in the middle of a trial that changed to course of many things in my life recently, mostly one that rescued me from myself and saved my faith. Not like not believing in God, but one that saved my faith from what it could have become to something living, breathing, real.

My first few words/thoughts were:

You are good.

I wrote the following in my journal, “woah, that’s a shift.

That’s all I really need to know. I don’t need to understand anything else… but can cling to the freeing realization that the One who is holding my life together, the One who is in charge of all things…

Is good…

So I can rest now. Finally, I can rest. My endless stream of questions is brought to a still peace.

I can rest in that and have all my questions left unanswered (as questioning was the majority of my time there with God and not being satisfied with the way a number of things were)

Because I can rest in your goodness…

That you are good…

I heard the voice of the Lord…

You are always waiting…
To break though. And you’re here.

I can go now…"

It was huge. Because if that was my reality, that I trusted and knew first few thoughts, were of His goodness, there’s a whole lot more God can then speak into my life. But I can’t hear the truth when it’s me against God, when like a month ago, I felt abandoned, alone and confused. So my first few thoughts of Him were of that and much more, we had to spend lots of time starting there to bring me to a place to realize that issue between me and God was the issue.

This was so freeing, to see what God was doing in my heart. And that I didn’t really need to know anything else but could have an expectancy of His goodness…

Versus expectations of Him doing good things or bringing good things into my life…

I’m reminded, as I look back at these last few months of trials and sufferings, of this quote I’ve heard I my mind time and time again, that I wanted to know in reality what these words meant. In fact, when I started support raising and started reading Come Be My Light, I was so struck by this quote that I shared it at training as one of my goals, that I wanted to know and be able to say in my heart when this is all over, this is my heart’s response now to the trials and circumstances God allows in my life…

“Mother Teresa was not afraid to make such a serious commitment, thought his implied renouncing her own will at each moment. She knew that God loved her and she trusted that His will for her would always be an expression of that unfailing love, however difficult or even impossible it might be at times to fathom His designs.” - Come Be My Light

This kills me every time. For whatever reason this quote always pops in my head at the most critical times…

In every situation, in every circumstance, she could rest… Why? Because no matter what was going on, she knew that His will for her in ANY given situation was always an expression of His unfailing love for her.

Wow.

This is where the paradigm shift comes into play… because even when difficult things come our way, if I’m clinging to an expectancy of goodness… I interpret the situation in light of God’s goodness and know, even if it sucks at the moment, that I can rest and be secure in God’s goodness, an element of His character I can cling to as truth in that situation even when reason fails me or my circumstances are tempting me to believe otherwise

Because so often times what happens, is that our circumstances will tempt us to believe all the Accuser’s lies: see, God is holding out on you. See, God is not really good, he can’t really be trusted. Looks like He abandoned you. Now you’re all alone. See, He isn’t really going to provide. No, things are not fair. He doesn’t want to give you good things… and on and on they go…

But here’s the key, they’re fed when I’m living out of expectations. Because my expectations, unmet, are my evidence. My case for why God is not good… because when I expect Him to give me good things or to do good things, when those don’t happen, my list of accusations kicks in, whether they are valid or not…

The shift came as I saw how the expectations mindset was missing it altogether…

When I live in expectancy, it doesn’t matter what He does or provides or doesn’t… I can rest and trust that He is working and that this is the best way He can express His love for me at that moment. That He is loving me with my best interest at heart, not as I think or giving me what I think I need at that moment.

This was huge for me and such a freeing realization.

To rest in His love. His goodness.
I can expect goodness from God and that is a much more secure place than constantly wondering about if good things will come or not…

Goodness sometimes come s in the form of not having what we want most or think we need at the time…

But knowing it is the best thing because I have an expectancy of our relationship that is now made real.

You are good.
I can find security in Your goodness and Your unfailing love.
Amen.