I will fight for you.

I am really blessed to have amazing men in my life that I can count on for anything. One of my best guy friends and I were talking about a situation and I love being able to go deeper into the issues in both of our lives and fight for one another.

I think I am used to playing that role, especially with younger girls, but with guys like him who are younger, I have been learning how to play that role. But it is different when they in turn fight for you and fight to affirm and remind you of what you’re worth. It has been great to experience this is such a pure form and in the context of healthy brother/sister like relationships. All the guys I am close to as friends have girlfriends so there is never any question about that being an issue, and it means even more to know they are fighting for me, for me.

Not because they want anything in return. Not because they are hoping for something to happen. Simply because they appreciate and value me and vice versa.

My friend was helping me find truth and fight my fears with a guy showing interest in me.

Overtime I see said guy I want to take off and run. Yesterday I nearly did. I did exactly what I didn’t want to do and that is avoided him. Because I was scared. And after talking to him earlier in the week I had no doubts he would ask if we could hang out next time I saw him.

So I acted like I was too busy. I wasn’t trying to play games and I’ve been becoming increasingly aware of my tendencies around guys through reading Wounded Heart and found the issues are more complex than I ever imagined, but being aware and trying to work on them doesn’t make the insecurities any easier.

But after last night and getting reunited with Jesus and praying in a way I haven’t experienced in a long time, my fears melted away with the situation.

Today I have just really been blown away by the love of God and how real that can be in your life. My leader shared in group today how she can relate to some of what Mother Teresa was saying because what Mother Teresa always had was the love of God.

I cannot explain why but from a very young age, I have always known and had an awareness of God’s love for me through several traumatic years in ways I will never be able to explain. I didn’t realize other people have not lived with this awareness of His presence too. But there is a deep communion that was forged in my life in my formative years that has given me eyes to see God differently. This book once again takes Mother Teresa off her throne and brings her into reality. She was a real person. With real struggles. Who simply possessed the love of God and that permeated everything she did and everything about her life.

I long to be able to cling to God as she did.
To be one with Him in prayer and to love Him more fully and deeply.

Reflections from the Retreat Pt. II: Breakthrough

But God did something huge in my life through it all. Something was unleashed in the moments driving out of the parking lot and heading who knows where as I went for a drive and then went to be with God. Here’s what I wrote as God and I processed right after the retreat:

That just happened.

I think it’s so ironic that as all the cars drove away, Jessica and I were left in the parking lot. The two of us is where it all began. We were crazy enough to run with the vision and dream you planted in our hearts. And we got to cry and share and go over what just happened and we both kept repeating those words, “that just happened.” There is no reason why we should have been able to pull something like that off we laughed. And then were more in awe of what God did. He’s the only explanation.

Look what you’ve done…


“We won’t know how far that hit until Home.” Jessica said to me.

Yeah.

Lord, you are FAITHFUL. You are faithful and you are true.

You are so good.

It was all worth it. I feel you are calling me out. You’re bringing little Mazvita out of the closet and more and more in the light.
Lord, I thank you.

You far surpassed our wildest dreams.
I just walked out of my dream.

And wasn’t it crazy that all of a sudden.
The last car drove away and Jessica and I were left in the parking lot.
Where it all began.

Lord, you are AMAZING. I don’t even know where to go.
Thank you.

Part of me is freaked out because I know I’ve been given gifts and a calling I cannot deny, they only come from you.

And now I am finally free enough to fly.

I am freaked out because for the first time

I am hearing and believing

That I am special.
That I matter.

That you love me.
That this is my mission I was created for.
That I am not an accident.
That I am loved.
That I am made for a mission.
That I am not junk.

That I am not worthless.
That you rescued me.
That you saved me.
That you redeemed me.

For the first item I am feeling fully alive.
Fully myself.

“In my element” as Miss said.

Right where you want me to be and you never let me down God.

You always know.

You always come through.

You have never failed me.
You are so good.

It freaks me out because I know you will provide (the rest of my support so I can do this full-time).

You have already provided
So much

So much and I didn’t even deserve it.

Father.
You totally blew me away.
You know what this has been for you and me.

Part of me was hoping it would fail. So then I could agree with the lies

That say I am no good. That say I have nothing to offer.

But I can’t.
And it’s almost scary.

When you’ve lived your whole life hearing you suck
Or you’ll never be good enough

To hear

I’m so proud of you

To hear

A new voice that says

You are my child.
I love you. And I will never leave you.

You’ve empowered me and given me new strength.

You’ve come and taken this shaking little girl
Out of the closet
And showed her it’s okay.

She’s safe now.

It’s scary because it’s real. And there were probably 90 decisions I had to make along the way from first dreaming of this retreat until now, to trust you…

That resulted in what happened. This has renewed my faith, in the year and a half of dreaming and trusting you with this and then to see what happened, I am even more excited for other things that you will bring, like how I can trust you to far surpass my dreams with the guy you will choose for me to spend the rest of my life with, or the things you will call me to do. I have tasted and I have seen... even the days when it seemed this fight is getting to ugly... you knew how amazing this moment would feel and it makes me hopeful and wanting to trust you more. I am excited for who you will bring in my life. I am excited for the things you will lead me to. For if it's anything like this...

I trusted you when I couldn’t see.
You came through even when others doubted.
You reassured me to lean on your voice and not the approval of others.

I have learned to rely on my God and His voice when the voices of others failed me.

Lord, you are so good.
You have my heart.
I’m yours.

I am sold out
To you.
Have my life.

I trust you with your plan.

Yours have been so much better than my own.

You are so good to me.
Jesus, I thank you.

I wish the girls only knew each time they see me up there how much different this looks from where I’ve been and how I once felt.

You have come and set me free.
Given me a life better than I ever could have imagined.

Reflections from the Retreat Pt. I: Called out of Hiding

"God went back and got the shaking little girl that was hiding under the bed and convinced her to come out. He unclenched her little fists and took her hand and placed it in his and answered her question. He held her hand and told her it was OK for her not to be tough. He would protect her. She didn’t have to be strong. He told her she wasn’t a rock but a child. An innocent child. His child. He didn’t condemn her for anything but instead understood her and loved her! He told her she was special… like no other and that she had special gifts like no other. She knew his voice and trust him. She could hear the pleasure HE had for her in His voice and felt His delight in her as He talked. He was so gentle and loving she couldn’t help but melt in His arms…"

[Captivating, Eldredge]

“Have you no other daughters?” “No,” said the man. “There is a little stunted kitchen wench which my late wife left behind her, but she cannot be the bride.” The King’s son said he was to send her up to him; but the step-mother answered, “Oh no, she is much too dirty, she cannot show herself!” But he absolutely insisted on it, and Cinderella had to be called. She first washed her hands and face clean, and then went and bowed down before the King’s son, who gave her the golden slipper. Then she seated herself on a stool, drew her foot out of the heavy wooden shoe, and put it into the slipper, which fit like a glove. And when she rose up and the King’s son looked at her face, he recognized the beautiful maiden who had danced with him and cried, “This is the true bride!” The step-mother and two sisters were horrified and became pale with rage; he, however, took Cinderella on his horse and rode away with her.

[Cinderella story in Waking the Dead, Eldredge]

Those two stories are my life stories. Being called out of hiding has been a six year process for me… and in the last six months has taken on an entirely different shape as I’ve been taking another step closer to living the life God has called me to. The support raising process has been a time God has called out and insisted I come further out of hiding into the true glory my Father has bestowed upon my life.

I have spent the majority of my life in hiding.
I have spent the majority of my life waiting for Him to call me out.

This realization culminated on the Saturday as I was driving home, tears streaming down my face after our women’s retreat.

It was amazing.

God totally showed up and moved and did things I never thought I’d see or experience. It was a dream. It was exactly how I dreamt it and more.

I kept thinking, God…. Is… faithful…. God is so faithful.

Lives were changed. Our speakers were phenomenal. We got so many comments from the girls and staff wives with how professional it looked and felt.

There were so many things that were God. God messed with our girls and our hope and desire happened, girls were called to see themselves for all God intends for them to be. And we have our work cut out for us; we did resourcing after every talk, giving them books and people, places. Groups to go to if the talk struck a chord with them. This retreat allowed me to fully live out of my heart for my desire for women to know who they are and who they can become. They need to see other women to know this. They need to see women speak to know this. They need to be around other godly women to experience and taste this. They need to hear these things from a female perspective. They need to have a time and place all their own to let them know they matter to our church and they matter to God. They have a place here.

But, probably the biggest thing God showed me personally, was how different I felt each time I’d go up on stage to introduce the next speaker. It was as if something was being released, more and more of me was being set free.

I have only dreamed of running a women’s ministry at a church one day and encouraging the ladies from up there, and all of a sudden I saw myself doing it.

One of my friends who recently moved to another church told me how much she loves seeing me in “my element.” Another one of the staff wives told me how encouraged she was every time she saw and heard me talk. God has done a lot in my life in the last few months in support raising. The biggest, getting me around women who I want to be like. More is caught than taught. And I love being around women who are gifted speakers, hearing them speak, hearing them communicate because I had never heard a women speak before until this summer, first I heard Eva and was like I would never be able to do that, and then the more I saw these women this fall, the more I was like, this is powerful and it is needed.

I shared a testimony on trusting god in the midst of uncertainty last fall and was able to put some of these things I’d witnessed to practice and I was excited to feel fully more of myself in speaking in front of a large crowd. That part of who God created me to be was someone who communicated and shared a message with people.

But until you see women do it you don’t think you can. These women have empowered me and shown me the importance of women teaching other women. I dream of running large women’s ministries some day and felt this retreat was the first of many, who knows what shape or form they will take.

But I’m living in a new strength. I’m not even the same person anymore. People have noticed. Not that I am acting like someone else, but I’m more of my true self and the person God created me to be is finally free to come out.

Nothing compares to what I felt on Saturday and even all weekend being able to share with the girls and share these incredible women with the girls...

Dance: Stand in the Rain

So this is my theme song from time to time, and I LOVE this dance.

First night at Recovery

Recovery tonight...

I can’t describe the amount of vulnerability it takes walking into a room like that.

Knowing everyone there is for some kind of support group.

I felt naked.

I was like walking into a room and announcing to the word, I have a problem.

I wanted to hide.

The tables and chairs in the middle of the room seemed too threatening.

I darted to the wall and found some other fellow wallflowers, also trying to hide.

Then I found out they too were in my group.

Unlike the other groups, once you tell someone who asks, what group are you in, they have no mistake in what you’re dealing with.

Others like co-dependency or how we love or making or moving beyond your past is more vague… but shelter from the storm and divorce care immediately exposes you.

I was anxious the whole day. Not even about that, but all day I was struggling with shame.

I went to bed covered in it and woke up with its death grip around my throat.

It covered me like a heavy blanket and made me not want to face the harsh world out there again.

I realized through three situations/interactions Monday night what was causing me to feel so much shame and I was spiraling downwards. From little things like sending an email to a group of people then immediately feeling like an idiot to a harsh word spoken by someone who is hurting that I ran into at a coffee shop.

All day today, I didn’t want to be seen.

I needed to finish typing up my story for my group tonight and I drove around downtown for 20 minutes before finally deciding I needed to go to the Panera south of town cause I couldn’t handle being seen.

Especially not by him.

But I looked in the mirror at panera and was floored.

What I saw on the outside didn’t match what was going on the inside.

Inside I was falling apart.
I was out of control.
I was not okay.
I felt I could not be seen in this condition.

But on the outside, I looked great. I had gotten ready; I had makeup and hair done.

But inside, I was a mess.

Shame is the feeling of wanting to hide.

Not wanting to be seen.

I realized I was feeling shame over things that were a result of me opening up my heart and loving people and sharing my heart.

But as one of my recovery leaders shared tonight, the days after you are vulnerable are like a kick in the gut…

That was today.

I felt on edge. Not myself. No one and nothing felt safe.

I have been seeing shame play out lately as I’ve been more aware of this feeling of dread, this feeling of you are too much, you said too much, you did too much, you were too overbearing, etc.

And I have been fighting to trust God’s truth over my feelings. His love for me over my circumstances.

And last night I was given yet another opportunity to trust.

Shame lies to you about who you are and what you are worth.
Shame says you have nothing good to offer. You are messed up. Everyone is laughing at you.

Shame makes me second-guess myself and what others really think about me. Shame makes me want to run and hide.

Shame is the enemy’s greatest weapon for those who desire to reclaim the life God has for them.

God lives in the light, the enemy breeds on what is hidden.

God is calling me further out of darkness and more into the light and going before me as we rescue lost pieces of my puzzle still hidden in the dark basement of my heart.

Tonight’s meeting actually wasn’t that bad, I survived! Today was actually a harder day leading up to it. But I met a safe place.

I have never been in a support group for sexual abuse and it is going to be a powerful and healing experience. And I really like the women in my group. An instant bond was shared by the pain we’ve experienced. Once again, for like the fourth time in the last six months, I am the youngest person in the group, which is strange when I’m used to be a senior citizen in a college church, but also refreshing. I made a few friends. And I’m connecting with the leaders as this is the fourth time I’ve seen all the other recovery leaders.

I really liked what my leader said tonight, she basically exposed the fear that all of us have in that diving into these painful issues will bring up more pain that will just deaden us, but for her, she said going through this class brought dead areas to life.

I hope this will be my experience as well. There are a number of current issues I am seeing that are effects of my past, particularly with the realm of romantic relationships. Going through The Wounded Heart has been great to allow me to begin to see how my past plays out in my present in little ways that probably would’ve have gone undetected until I got married. But now working through them has dramatically improved my relationships with my roommates and how I relate to people in general as I’m aware of my own tendencies and brokenness.

As I was doing the workbook yesterday and today, I was encouraged that I’ve gone through a lot of this process before, as far as I’m comfortable sharing and do share my story on a daily basis either at The Shelter or in support appts or ministry at church, but this was going to take me to a deeper place of healing.

They’re not messing around, the workbook is INTENSE. It makes Making Peace with Your Past seem like sugar water. But, this will be good.

I am excited but also scared as I start this journey.

Scared because it is like plunging into this dark hole where I don’t know what we will find. Scared because it means I surrender control once again to God and have no idea what to expect. Scared because it’s like going back to the haunted areas of my past to get all the skeletons out of the closest. Scared because it means going down roads I don’t want to go.

Excited because I know that recovery is a lifelong process and God brings different layers up at different times, this is exactly where he wants me. Excited because the main reason I am in full-time ministry and not working solely at a women’s shelter is to bring support groups and counseling for issues of recovery and abuse to the church, so the church is equipped with how to handle these issues and is an agent of healing in life’s hurts. Excited because I’ve been introduced to some amazing people in this field who are mentoring me and allowing me to not only participate in this group for me but also to attend all the leadership meetings to observe their process, as they are helping us develop recovery ministry at my campus church. Excited for going through the fire so I can bring others through this.

It’s gonna be hell for lack of a better description, but it will be worth it. For I am not going alone.

“I will go before you and make the rough places smooth. I will shatter the doors of bronze, and cut through their iron bars. And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth in secret places, in order that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who calls you by name.”

Isaiah 45:2-3

You are worthy to be praised.

Lord, I praise you and I thank you. For victory. For fighting for what matters. For your victory, for your promise, for your faithfulness.

You are so good.

I love you and I thank you.

"LET NOW THE WEAK SAY I HAVE STRENGTH, BY THE SPIRIT OF POWER THAT RAISED CHRIST FROM THE DEAD.

LET NOW THE POOR STAND AND CONFESS, THAT MY PORTION IS HIM AND I'M MORE THAN BLESSED.

LET NOW OUR HEARTS BURN WITH A FLAME, A FIRE CONSUMING ALL FOR YOUR SON'S HOLY NAME AND WITH THE HEAVENS WE DECLARE, YOU ARE OUR KING;

WE LOVE YOU LORD, WE WORSHIP YOU. YOU ARE OUR GOD, YOU ALONE ARE GOOD.

I LOVE YOU LORD, I WORSHIP YOU, HOPE WHICH WAS LOST, NOW STANDS RENEWED. I GIVE MY LIFE TO HONOR THIS, THE LOVE OF CHRIST, THE SAVIOR KING."

The garden of the soul

“After all he is a stranger and a pilgrim, and the journey he takes is not on his feet but in his heart. He walks with God in the garden of his own soul - and who but God can walk there with him?” – A.W. Tozer

a beautiful mess.

The words “beautiful” and a “mess” kept resurfacing as Mack was walking through the garden. He finds out at the end of the chapter that the garden Sarayu is having him work on with her is his own soul. Sarayu represents the holy spirit in the book. (The Shack)

That chapter started getting the water works going just a little bit, but I was determined to stay at Starbucks so I kept reading. A couple chapters later was the breaking point and I had to go drive around to be with God at one of our secret spots.

There is a beautiful mess going on at work in my heart right now. I’m a mix of emotions. Yesterday was probably the most fun I’ve had in a long time and a great weekend with one of my best friend’s and her sisters and her fiance’s sisters and all her old friends… and a time of just feeling so free and alive the last couple days. Then today all of a sudden, I’m leaving the second of Jenni's showers in two days and my head was spinning once again. I just needed to be alone. Away from people. At a remote place. There was a lot going on in here and I wasn't even sure what.

Starbucks it is.

“to be alive is to be broken.”

I love whoever said that because I think we can equate tears and brokenness with bad. But who are we to judge. I'm learning to trust my Father in a way that means I get out of the Judge seat and quit trying to determine what of the things he does or has done is good or bad or unfair. Stemming back to my first days on earth and the family He placed me in.

The tears and brokenness are the best thing for me right now, in god’s economy, anyway and are producing things I will never be able to see with my own eyes but are the careful works of the Father in my life and in my heart. I'm seeing and experiencing the fruit however, in my heart and how I perceive things.

I’m liking the fact that a series of circumstances are shedding light on some deeply rooted lies I’ve been believing about God from my earliest conceptions of Him. The things that could have gone undetected for years, but things that were forged in my heart through circumstances I cannot explain.

It is powerful and freeing, yet there is a painful surgery at work here, for divorcing these realities from my heart isn’t going to be a quick or easy process.

But I’m in good hands. Jesus is especially near. If it means I will cry every couple of chapters and then have a good day, I can take it because it is more than worth it.