in your {un}failing love

IN YOUR UNFAILING LOVE
you will lead the people you have redeemed...

IN YOUR STRENGTH
you will guide them.

:: exodus 15:13

the riches of {Your love} will always be enough

A song I just cannot stop singing today or get out of my mind. A song that ironically I have heard in the wee hours of the morning on the way to medical appointments or the late hours of the afternoon coming home from it all, the cry of my heart to the One who alone is worthy, "my heart will sing, no other name... Jesus, Jesus..."

(It won't let me embed the official video and version I love way better, so here's the link to that one, and I'll post my backup below ;)

You are good, You are good / When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love / On display for all to see
You are light, You are light / When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope /You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace / When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true / Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy / You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life / In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I’m running to Your arms,
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more / Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord / All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here / In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God / Of all else I'm letting go

My heart will sing
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus

Lyrics: "Forever Reign" by Hillsong;
Photo courtesy of Tec Peteja Photography

How Deep the Father's Love

I don't even know what just happened. The battle that was just raging all around and within me.
I hear the sound and recognize His touch. Someone's setting my soul free.

Saved me again from the pit of despair.
Consoled and met me in my anguish;
comforted and relieved my grief.

Someone came and rescued me.

Someone called
my Savior.

Yes,

"Your love sets me free"

- photos courtesy of lynsey tedesco photography

{ Oh, How He Loves Us }

CONTINUED FROM... {He Loves Us}

But, before coming to uncover the deepest and most true, most real parts of ourselves, we have to travel through even the emotions we want desperately for anything but to feel, yet He has a place He is taking us through experiencing the various capacities to feel that He has placed within us. He has a purpose, a desire to meet us there.

The place where we find Someone is setting us free.

He knows and even says it is okay for us to be or feel weak. To need help. To need Him.

He knows that we're human and He lives that we may know we don't have to have it all together, we don't have to have it all figured out.

That there is another way and that way is Him.

And I was finding myself trying to tell myself I shouldn't be feeling all of those feelings. That the little thing that I did did not at all seem to warrant all of this emotion. I knew there was more.

As they like to say in a lot of the Woodcrest or recovery environments I've been in, and something Ben and I have adopted as well any time we are discussing something, we'll often start by saying, "I mean this at a '3,' but right now it might come out like or sound like a '10' " a communication tool they teach that is really practical and helpful for listening skills, understanding, and working through conflict, and communicating and identifying where you are at, but also other factors that can make it seem more intense at the moment or that you are experiencing other emotions related to other things at the time, or simply that it is something that easily triggers you and what you are saying could come across stronger or sharper or more rude simply because of other things going on within.

Yesterday I knew that what had happened was like a "2," but I was feeling it like at a "12" (on a scale of 1-10, 1 being the least intense, 10 being the most intense, a tool they use in various communication techniques for marriage classes, small groups, recovery as a tool to help communicate something you are feeling or would like to share.)

I knew there was something huge underneath it all driving it, but honestly, I didn't want to go there. I just didn't want to deal with the pain and I woke up and felt like I was drowning literally in emotion. Crushed by all that I felt and mad about it.

Yet, by allowing me to face the reality of the pain again, there were huge discoveries lying there buried in the deep.

Huge roots and events and emotions lodged so far deep in there, in untapped regions of my heart and my past that were the driving force behind a seemingly insignificant event.

Because it's not insignificant to Him. With God, heart matters.

What is within or what has happened to our hearts is of major concern to Him. Not because He condemns us for what is there or what or how we are feeling or responding to it, but that God, in his INFINITE mercy and grace, came and has come to set our hearts FREE.

And let me tell you, as soon as I came out of that funk and when God again, by His grace, met me in the depths of my pain and lifted me out of the pit yesterday, I was just like, this is crazy. That was no coincidence at all that this happened, of all times, right now.

Because, as I wrote about on Tuesday and Wednesday and plan to share soon, the last two to three weeks, God has been moving mountains in my life and in our lives.

Huge boulders, obstacles in the way of my heart and huge mountains that God, through a bunch of situations, people, and places, is moving; throwing into the very heart of the sea.

And, after coming out of those hard places and being upset that I was excited to see and hang out with Kate, one of my best friends, that day and see her precious little girl, and see them in a time where even though there's still a lot going on, things felt lighter, I had been super encouraged lately, I was excited to go see them and feel normal and do normal things, and then of course, the couple days I get to see them, I was having one of my hardest days in a while and in a hard place. And I just hate being messy and letting my friends in when things are messy.

But again, even after I canceled and then re-made plans with her, and even after feeling bad and apologizing a million times to one of my best friends who lives here, that I was going to hang out with earlier that morning,

I was reminded again that I am accepted and I am loved and I wanted – unconditionally.

That my friends, people like Kate who have known me since I was 12, to others like, Kat who have known me for 6 months... love me, period. They still want me around, even on the bad days. This isn't too much for them, I am not a burden, I am not too much. Like Kat even reminded me yesterday, I am in this with you for the long haul.

And since I saw/talked with my friends AFTER I had had plenty of time where me and God where duking it out and I had finally come to the bottom of it all and experienced one of the most intense attacks, yet powerful breakthrough...

I had come to a place again where I could hear my Father whisper to me gently,

"I love you and I am here.

You are special, so special to me my child...”

And the three words that came to my of all places when I was reading through list after list and account after account in Numbers, where my One Year Bible has me in the Old Testament right now, and this is the funny thing about all of this.

So, I was finding myself just kinda skipping over all the “and then there were this many men in the tribe of Judah... and then they counted and there were this many in the House of Levi... etc, etc," when my eyes caught sight of these words, in Numbers 3:12-13, (bear with me, I promise I'm getting somewhere folks),

11 The Lord also said to Moses,12 "I am choosing the Levites from all the Israelites to take the place of all the firstborn children of Israel.

The Levites will be mine,13 because the firstborn are mine. When you were in Egypt, I killed all the firstborn children of the Egyptians and took all the firstborn of Israel to be mine, both animals and children. They are mine. I am the Lord."

I had to go back as I just began to feel this strange warm feeling and peace wash over me, wait, what did I miss, what just happened...

And I re-read those lines again and it was then when I realized how God had just spoken to me through words that I was just planning on glossing over, words that I thought were just like the other two chapters of lists and details that I know have a purpose and fit into the larger context of the community of the people of God that the Lord was building and establishing through Moses at that time, but then something within those words jumped out and grabbed me.

It was then as my eyes settled on one word, “mine,” that I heard Him say, with all of the comfort and restoration and relief that comes when the skies begin to part and we find ourselves basking and slowly letting out our break as the sun peaks out and we find ourselves still shaken, but experiencing the calm after the storm, when I felt Him holding me, rocking me gently like a little child enveloped in their parent's love, as I heard Him say the words my heart desperately needed to hear,

“You are special;

You are mine.”

God can use anything, right?! I mean, the book of Numbers, seriously?!? If you would've asked me yesterday and I still am reeling from the fact that I even ended going through my readings for the day in the One Year, since I had already been reading a lot of other places that God was using to lift my heart and speak to me, but something drew me again to His Word.

Something called His grace. Which I cannot even if I tried, cannot take credit for any of this or anything He has done in this season as anything I have done for myself.

I come to Him, period. He does the rest. But even in that coming is in and of itself His grace. His grace and His love and His mercy at work in my life, reaching out to me, pursuing me, drawing me to come closer... to just come, sit and be with Him, each and every day and trust and know that He will lead me.

Be glorified, O Lord. Be glorified.

Seriously, I do not know how He does it. All the time. His mystery and the wonders of His love never cease to amaze me.

Lord, I am amazed by You...

and how You love me.

- photo courtesy of lynsey tedesco photography

{ He Loves Us }

He has flooded my heart and my soul again with peace.

His peace. Given me peace, strength, life, hope again.

Filled me with reminders of His love and brought me back to the place where I have been the last two weeks, a time where I have felt more encouraged than ever, given me life and energy that I have not had or felt in a really long time. Brought me back to that place after a difficult night and a rough morning yesterday.

A time of deep discouragement that came on the heels of all of this victory and a time where the Lord is truly moving mountains. An attack reminding me of the ruthless and viscous nature of the one who lives up to his name as the “Enemy of our Souls,” the Destroyer and thief who comes only to steal, kill, and destroy.

I realized when I woke up yesterday that my joy had been stolen. What happened? How could this all change so fast? I was doing and feel so well (emotionally speaking). What is going on here? Someone has stolen my hope. Someone has killed my joy. Someone has seemingly destroyed and taken away all of the life, hope, strength, and encouragement I have been feeling.

Someone who wants anything but for you and I to be free.

Free from all the yuck. All the junk, all the sin and brokenness that can so easily entangle, hinder and choke out the life of God within us or keep us in chains. Shackled and enslaved and blind us from the truth of God all around and within us.

The Truth that came to set us free.

Oh, how you love me...

::

Those five words were some of the first words I remember thinking and feeling when I woke up this morning and could not get this song out of my head.

(And, actually, this post was originally going to be called "How You Love Me" but after I finished typing it and as another song came to mind that has also been on my heart this morning, I just had to also include this fave from Crowder).

How You love me and how good You are to me and to think, I do not even deserve it. I did NOTHING to earn it; Your grace is simply amazing. This gift that is freely, freely given.

So, the crazy thing is, I came home from a recovery class on Tuesday and time talking with several of the women in group during our small group time or after, just feeling so so cared for, known, fought for, and blessed.

In fact, that was the title of the 19, yes I did say 19 pages that I came home and wrote that afternoon that I just had to get out of me or I was going to burst. I was planning on posting them that afternoon, but then was running out of time before more appointments that afternoon and then was busy that evening.

Got up early Wednesday to finish writing and again was planning on posting then the day got away from me again so I planned on doing it later that night after getting home from girls' nite at Stevi's, our bi-weekly gathering to watch “So You Think You Can Dance.”

Then, came something that even in retrospect now and after an eventual breakthrough yesterday, a situation that in and of itself was not a huge deal and something small and insignificant that happened that should not have mattered or affected me as much as it did, ignited a whole onset of feelings and beliefs that sent me into a tailspin of some of the strongest feelings of discouragement, depression, inadequacy, insecurity, and shame that I have felt in a long, long time.

Now I say in retrospect, that I think that this is all funny now because NOW I can see how “non-coincidental” the timing of all of this was... (and especially when I get a chance later to post about some of the victory, encouragement and hope and life the Lord has been giving me through all of the work He is doing in my heart and my life right now and what He is opening my eyes to see that I wrote about till my fingers were blue earlier this week ;)

That it was NO coincidence at all that this would come on the heels of so much profound and deep healing.

As I was angry more than anything yesterday that I was feeling and experiencing pain and so many difficult emotions and was discouraged when the last two weeks I have felt more encouraged than ever and have never felt more free... I found myself just saying over and over, this is stupid, why is this little thing bothering me so much, why am I feeling this way again, I do NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS, LORD.

And especially not today.

Don't You know that I have plans?!?

No, I don't want to deal with this today, I'm tired of things being hard, I was enjoying some relief. And not that just because we are in a relationship with God that things are all going to automatically go our way all the time or we are never going to experience any of those hard feelings I mentioned above...

But, I was most frustrated because more than anything, I crave to be/feel "normal."

I constantly fear being a burden to my friends and everyone around me, even though I was finally getting over that and they and my husband constantly reassure me I am not, but also as many of my friends know, I just want to talk about and do “normal” things when I see them or talk with or am with them, not that we don't talk about the hard things going on in either of our lives, but because I am dealing with and working through and walking through the hard with them and others in my support system, there are times I just want/need to just go have fun.

Talk about light, surfacey, other things. Do light, surfacey or fun things, and especially, I love NOT feeling like I am going through a lot, or feeling encouraged that day so I can just be with them and not have to talk or need to talk or deal with any of the hard.

It has felt great to just feel okay (emotionally speaking), and knowing that God is working and doing so much and taking care of me, I love when things just feel lighter and I can just go hang out and see friends and not have a heavy heart.

And God knows that and He cares about that, He cares about me experiencing those pockets of relief when they come and He knows that we need that as humans.

Each day and each new week I feel I am constantly learning and re-learning how to face and fight this battle.

Ways to cope. Things to do in order to live fully with my heart alive and open in this season. Things that are life-giving to me. Times to get out of the house. Time to spend with people and many of the tools my recovery class and continuing to process with my counselor are equipping me with and giving me ways to engage and continue to fight the battle each day.

And God cares about that. He knows that we need those things.

That our hearts need to be comforted and that our hearts need rest, recovery, relief, especially when in the midst of a season that is a marathon, not a sprint.

He knows it is those little things, those moments or times with others or by ourselves that are of the simple and ordinary and everyday, but that those moments with others and times alone are not small at all.

I'm reminded that sometimes the most simple that is the most profound. The smallest of things that really do make a huge difference.

And it is those very things, whether it is crafting, or going to Hobby Lobby or Michael's just to look around and get inspired by a new project I then throw myself into, going to the pool with my friends and their kids, watching So You Think You Can Dance with a bunch of girls, hanging out or talking with my husband or my friends, having the opportunity to have extended time with God, reading/writing, receiving life/hope/strength and encouragement from His word, the grace that I need each day, watching favorite dances online, stumbling upon and discovering a photographer and spending hours just pouring into photo over photo...

Those very things, the simple yet beautiful parts of life, the very things that fill and lift up and encourage my heart and that keep me going.

For my heart needs what beauty speaks. And God is so faithful. So good. I am constantly amazed time and time again by how much He cares about the little things because they are not little to Him at all.

He always, always provides.

And it is the little things that remind me and make me feel overwhelmed at times with gratitude, because it is those little things that I am reminded that YES... You are here.

He knows and He cares and He is always wanting to restore, refresh, renew, comfort, strengthen and encourage our hearts. For He is FOR us. Always. And never has our hearts out of sight or out of mind.

And He knows that we're weak.

“He knows how hard it is to be us.”

Those words from one of Beth Moore's books have stuck with me and are so comforting, He sees and He knows the hardship and the daily challenges you and I share, big or small. And He cares about them because He cares about US.

And we do not have One who cannot relate, understand, sympathize or empathize with our weakness.

Anything we have felt, we never need to be ashamed of, even yesterday when I was like, I feel defeated, crushed, depressed, discouraged, stupid, inadequate, not enough, etc etc... (for those familiar with the feelings chart, just about every range of emotion from everything to the right of the “happy” column lol, I as there yesterday,) but every single one of those emotions, He has felt.

He has been there. And He isn't mad or upset or wondering why we are there.

He knows that are frail and we are broken.
He knows our limitations.


Our emotions are not the Enemy, they are simply a vehicle into the dynamics and what is really at play deep within our souls shaping how we view, perceive, and respond to things.

And there deep within, once we have gone through and identified and acknowledged all that we were feeling, then and only then can we see, hear, and acknowledge the truth. Our emotions are the window into our souls, all that is unseen, but known, experienced and felt there within that place where He dwells within us.

There is great capacities stored deep within our souls.
Our souls, the place where we meet God.

CONTINUED IN... {Oh, How He Loves Us}

- photos courtesy of lynsey tedesco photography

oh, your love is a melody, underneath me, running to me...

OH, YOUR LOVE IS A SYMPHONY, ALL AROUND ME, RUNNING THROUGH ME...
OH, YOUR LOVE IS A SONG...

Oh, song upon my heart ever since I heard it last night on the way home from a friend's birthday, a song I really liked a while back but haven't heard in a while and it couldn't have come at the most perfect time. Capturing the cry of my heart yesterday and today in ways words cannot express. Love this song and Swichfoot's new sound, enjoy!

** QUICK aside: So, I actually like this video, not just the song -- half of the videos I post with songs I don't even really like that much, I just love looking up and listening to songs I like on youtube and making playlists, something I started doing when I was working an office job a couple years ago where we itunes or any other way to listen to music wasn't available, and so half the time I would never even watch or know what the videos even looked like, I would just have them playing while working on other things.

Well, the same is still true mostly now, but every now and then I find a video that doesn't have overly cheesy pictures along with the song and the lyrics that I just pretend are not there and just listen along, but it was fun to find another that I enjoyed listening to AND watching/singing along!

I hear you breathing in - another day begins - The stars are falling out - My dreams are fading now - fading out - I've been keeping my eyes wide open - I've been keeping my eyes wide open

OH, YOUR LOVE IS A SYMPHONY
ALL AROUND ME
RUNNING THROUGH ME
OH, YOUR LOVE IS A MELODY
UNDERNEATH ME
RUNNING TO ME
OH, YOUR LOVE IS A SONG 

The dawn is fire bright - Against the city lights - The clouds are glowing now - The moon is blacking out - is blacking out - So I've been keeping my mind wide open - I've been keeping my mind wide open, yeah

OH, YOUR LOVE IS A SYMPHONY
ALL AROUND ME
RUNNING THROUGH ME
OH, YOUR LOVE IS A MELODY
UNDERNEATH ME
RUNNING TO ME

Oh, your love is a song - Your love is a song - Oh, your love is a song - Your love is strong
With my eyes wide open - I've got my eyes wide open - I've been keeping my hopes unbroken, yeah

OH, YOUR LOVE IS A SONG 

- Photos of some of the beautiful dancers of our very own Missouri Contemporary Ballet, taken by and courtesy of L.G. Patterson/Recess, INC

.:: your love oh lord ::.

song and words upon my heart this morning
for nothing comes close to describing the goodness and the glory and
wonders of Your love

Your love, oh Lord
Reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness stretches to the sky
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains
Your justice flows like the ocean's tide

I will lift my voice
To worship You, my King
I will find my strength
In the shadow of your wings

Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the skies.
Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
your justice like the great deep.

You, LORD, preserve both people and animals.
How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
They feast on the abundance of your house;
you give them drink from your river of delights.

For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light.

:: psalm 36:5-9

- photo by robbie bergman or another one of my LT peeps from a back in the day