{ He Loves Us }

He has flooded my heart and my soul again with peace.

His peace. Given me peace, strength, life, hope again.

Filled me with reminders of His love and brought me back to the place where I have been the last two weeks, a time where I have felt more encouraged than ever, given me life and energy that I have not had or felt in a really long time. Brought me back to that place after a difficult night and a rough morning yesterday.

A time of deep discouragement that came on the heels of all of this victory and a time where the Lord is truly moving mountains. An attack reminding me of the ruthless and viscous nature of the one who lives up to his name as the “Enemy of our Souls,” the Destroyer and thief who comes only to steal, kill, and destroy.

I realized when I woke up yesterday that my joy had been stolen. What happened? How could this all change so fast? I was doing and feel so well (emotionally speaking). What is going on here? Someone has stolen my hope. Someone has killed my joy. Someone has seemingly destroyed and taken away all of the life, hope, strength, and encouragement I have been feeling.

Someone who wants anything but for you and I to be free.

Free from all the yuck. All the junk, all the sin and brokenness that can so easily entangle, hinder and choke out the life of God within us or keep us in chains. Shackled and enslaved and blind us from the truth of God all around and within us.

The Truth that came to set us free.

Oh, how you love me...

::

Those five words were some of the first words I remember thinking and feeling when I woke up this morning and could not get this song out of my head.

(And, actually, this post was originally going to be called "How You Love Me" but after I finished typing it and as another song came to mind that has also been on my heart this morning, I just had to also include this fave from Crowder).

How You love me and how good You are to me and to think, I do not even deserve it. I did NOTHING to earn it; Your grace is simply amazing. This gift that is freely, freely given.

So, the crazy thing is, I came home from a recovery class on Tuesday and time talking with several of the women in group during our small group time or after, just feeling so so cared for, known, fought for, and blessed.

In fact, that was the title of the 19, yes I did say 19 pages that I came home and wrote that afternoon that I just had to get out of me or I was going to burst. I was planning on posting them that afternoon, but then was running out of time before more appointments that afternoon and then was busy that evening.

Got up early Wednesday to finish writing and again was planning on posting then the day got away from me again so I planned on doing it later that night after getting home from girls' nite at Stevi's, our bi-weekly gathering to watch “So You Think You Can Dance.”

Then, came something that even in retrospect now and after an eventual breakthrough yesterday, a situation that in and of itself was not a huge deal and something small and insignificant that happened that should not have mattered or affected me as much as it did, ignited a whole onset of feelings and beliefs that sent me into a tailspin of some of the strongest feelings of discouragement, depression, inadequacy, insecurity, and shame that I have felt in a long, long time.

Now I say in retrospect, that I think that this is all funny now because NOW I can see how “non-coincidental” the timing of all of this was... (and especially when I get a chance later to post about some of the victory, encouragement and hope and life the Lord has been giving me through all of the work He is doing in my heart and my life right now and what He is opening my eyes to see that I wrote about till my fingers were blue earlier this week ;)

That it was NO coincidence at all that this would come on the heels of so much profound and deep healing.

As I was angry more than anything yesterday that I was feeling and experiencing pain and so many difficult emotions and was discouraged when the last two weeks I have felt more encouraged than ever and have never felt more free... I found myself just saying over and over, this is stupid, why is this little thing bothering me so much, why am I feeling this way again, I do NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS, LORD.

And especially not today.

Don't You know that I have plans?!?

No, I don't want to deal with this today, I'm tired of things being hard, I was enjoying some relief. And not that just because we are in a relationship with God that things are all going to automatically go our way all the time or we are never going to experience any of those hard feelings I mentioned above...

But, I was most frustrated because more than anything, I crave to be/feel "normal."

I constantly fear being a burden to my friends and everyone around me, even though I was finally getting over that and they and my husband constantly reassure me I am not, but also as many of my friends know, I just want to talk about and do “normal” things when I see them or talk with or am with them, not that we don't talk about the hard things going on in either of our lives, but because I am dealing with and working through and walking through the hard with them and others in my support system, there are times I just want/need to just go have fun.

Talk about light, surfacey, other things. Do light, surfacey or fun things, and especially, I love NOT feeling like I am going through a lot, or feeling encouraged that day so I can just be with them and not have to talk or need to talk or deal with any of the hard.

It has felt great to just feel okay (emotionally speaking), and knowing that God is working and doing so much and taking care of me, I love when things just feel lighter and I can just go hang out and see friends and not have a heavy heart.

And God knows that and He cares about that, He cares about me experiencing those pockets of relief when they come and He knows that we need that as humans.

Each day and each new week I feel I am constantly learning and re-learning how to face and fight this battle.

Ways to cope. Things to do in order to live fully with my heart alive and open in this season. Things that are life-giving to me. Times to get out of the house. Time to spend with people and many of the tools my recovery class and continuing to process with my counselor are equipping me with and giving me ways to engage and continue to fight the battle each day.

And God cares about that. He knows that we need those things.

That our hearts need to be comforted and that our hearts need rest, recovery, relief, especially when in the midst of a season that is a marathon, not a sprint.

He knows it is those little things, those moments or times with others or by ourselves that are of the simple and ordinary and everyday, but that those moments with others and times alone are not small at all.

I'm reminded that sometimes the most simple that is the most profound. The smallest of things that really do make a huge difference.

And it is those very things, whether it is crafting, or going to Hobby Lobby or Michael's just to look around and get inspired by a new project I then throw myself into, going to the pool with my friends and their kids, watching So You Think You Can Dance with a bunch of girls, hanging out or talking with my husband or my friends, having the opportunity to have extended time with God, reading/writing, receiving life/hope/strength and encouragement from His word, the grace that I need each day, watching favorite dances online, stumbling upon and discovering a photographer and spending hours just pouring into photo over photo...

Those very things, the simple yet beautiful parts of life, the very things that fill and lift up and encourage my heart and that keep me going.

For my heart needs what beauty speaks. And God is so faithful. So good. I am constantly amazed time and time again by how much He cares about the little things because they are not little to Him at all.

He always, always provides.

And it is the little things that remind me and make me feel overwhelmed at times with gratitude, because it is those little things that I am reminded that YES... You are here.

He knows and He cares and He is always wanting to restore, refresh, renew, comfort, strengthen and encourage our hearts. For He is FOR us. Always. And never has our hearts out of sight or out of mind.

And He knows that we're weak.

“He knows how hard it is to be us.”

Those words from one of Beth Moore's books have stuck with me and are so comforting, He sees and He knows the hardship and the daily challenges you and I share, big or small. And He cares about them because He cares about US.

And we do not have One who cannot relate, understand, sympathize or empathize with our weakness.

Anything we have felt, we never need to be ashamed of, even yesterday when I was like, I feel defeated, crushed, depressed, discouraged, stupid, inadequate, not enough, etc etc... (for those familiar with the feelings chart, just about every range of emotion from everything to the right of the “happy” column lol, I as there yesterday,) but every single one of those emotions, He has felt.

He has been there. And He isn't mad or upset or wondering why we are there.

He knows that are frail and we are broken.
He knows our limitations.


Our emotions are not the Enemy, they are simply a vehicle into the dynamics and what is really at play deep within our souls shaping how we view, perceive, and respond to things.

And there deep within, once we have gone through and identified and acknowledged all that we were feeling, then and only then can we see, hear, and acknowledge the truth. Our emotions are the window into our souls, all that is unseen, but known, experienced and felt there within that place where He dwells within us.

There is great capacities stored deep within our souls.
Our souls, the place where we meet God.

CONTINUED IN... {Oh, How He Loves Us}

- photos courtesy of lynsey tedesco photography