So I wasn't going to write anything more, but there is something about this photo of these precious triplets that just brings joy to my little heart and just makes me smile. One of the things I love about photos and choosing which ones to use with my posts is that the old adage that is picture is worth a thousand words, for me is so true.
There are so many times a photo captures all I am feeling and trying to express without me even needing to elaborate, this one is no different.
Just love it and something about it made me change the one that had originally come to mind when I decided I had to post this song after getting to worship just now, oh He is so great. Because of Him and His love, comfort, presence, and peace, I am blessed.
Treasured. Loved. Chosen. And Blessed.
Held in the grip of grace.
Yes, You oh God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely.
I will worship, yes, I will praise You.
To You alone do I look, O Lord, to You alone do I call.
For You alone are my Jehovah Jireh; my God of great faithfulness.
My God of unfailing, everlasting love.
For this is my comfort in my affliction,
that Your promise alone gives me life.
Savior, who can move the mountains.
My God is mighty to save, mighty to save.
So, I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes... to You.
::
Age to age He stands / And time is in His hands / Beginning and the end
The Godhead Three in One / Father Spirit Son / The Lion and the Lamb
How great is our God, sing with me How great is our God, and all will see How great, how great is our God
Name above all names Worthy of our praise My heart will sing How great is our God
:: lyrics by chris tomlin;
photo courtesy of only imagine photography
A flood for my soul
A well that never will run dry
I've rambled on my own
Never believing I would find
An everlasting stream
Your river carries me home
Let it flow, let it flow
(One of my) jams of the day. Cannot get this verse or this song out of my mind and it's funny that words I wrote the last time I posted this song several months ago capture all I that I feel right now and have wanted to express tonight, so I'll "borrow" words from what I wrote last time!
"Cannot even put into words all that I am feeling. This verse below, as well as this one above I ran into earlier that reminded me of this song I heard at a service at Woodcrest this summer, capture it more perfectly than I ever could.
The cry of my heart today. The cry of my heart of praise. A heart held safe in the hands of my loving God and Savior. A cry whether in my heartache and despair or in my abounding with joy and hope and feeling more loved, seen, known, valued, taken care of, fought for than ever that I feel now, yet a cry and a heart that is nevertheless, always received.
"For, you, O God, are my fortress,
my God on whom I can rely."
{ psalm 59:17 }
"All my fountains, Lord... are in You."{ psalm 87:7 }
A flood for my soul
A well that never will run dry
I've rambled on my own
Never believing I would find
An everlasting stream
Your river carries me home
Let it flow, let it flow
Cannot get this verse or this song out of my mind still tonight though I wrote this earlier this afternoon:
Running short on time and had a bit of time at home and heading out the door again, but if I don't get something out, I will burst. Cannot even put into words all that I am feeling. These verses below, as well as this one above I ran into earlier that reminded me of this song I heard at a service at Woodcrest this summer, capture it more perfectly than I ever could.
The cry of my heart today. The cry of my heart of praise. A heart held safe in the hands of my loving God and Savior. A cry whether in my heartache and despair or in my abounding with joy and hope and feeling more loved, seen, known, valued, taken care of, fought for than ever that I feel now, yet a cry and a heart that is nevertheless, always received.
For, all my fountains, Lord, are in You...
"For you are their glory and their strength..."
:: psalm 89:17
"I give thanks to you, O Lord my God,
with my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever.
:: psalm 86:12
"Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness,
and walk in your truth." :: psalm 86:11
"For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
You alone are God."
:: psalm 86:10
"As they make music they will sing,
'All my fountains are in you.' "
Heard two songs in a row on the way to my appointment today that could not have come on at the PERFECT time, as in what I shared in the previous post, as I realized as I again turned the radio up and belted out every line in the songs with all that was within me, that this once again happened to be true.
True not in the sense of the type of death I wrote about last night, but of a much different one, as I realized, knowing all the painful places my heart had been at various parts of yesterday and last night, to experience today, the type of day in which I am literally praising and thanking God for bringing me and us through yet another storm, I was reminded of this about the human condition and the human heart.
“In every death, there is also a resurrection.”
As once again my heart had been raised up to new life with Him today. My heart and my soul and my ears weary from my weeping. Not a drop I felt was left within me, yet I woke up and slowly entered more and more into this all too strange yet familiar peace.
New energy, new life, new wind beneath my wings, testimony again only to the power and magnitude of our God.
My songs of the day today that I cried out and sang along with everything in me. (And my fave lines that really resonated with my heart today):
OH, LISTEN TO SOUND OF THE HOPE THAT'S RISING UP... OVER YOUR OLD HORIZON, LISTEN TO THE SOUND, LISTEN TO THE SOUND OF A NEW BEGINNING, WHERE THE OLD IS ENDING... LISTEN TO SOUND, LISTEN TO THE SOUND... OOO OOO OOO... AMAZING GRACE, HOW SWEET THE SOUND... I ONCE WAS LOST, BUT NOW AM FOUND... OH LISTEN THE SOUND OF THE HOPE THAT'S RISING...
WHERE YOU GO, I'LL GO... WHERE YOU STAY, I'LL STAY... WHERE YOU MOVE, I'LL MOVE...I WILL FOLLOW YOU... WHO YOU LOVE, I'LL LOVE... WHO YOU SERVE, I'LL SERVE, IF THIS LIFE I LOSE... I WILL FOLLOW YOU... FOR IN YOU THERE'S LIFE EVERLASTING... IN YOU THERE'S FREEDOM FOR MY SOUL... WITH YOU THERE'S JOY... UNENDING JOY.... OHHHH, I WILL FOLLOW...
I might have as well wrote out the whole song... OH, so good! I'll let Chris take it from here ;)
Alright, got to head out, exhausted but just had to write tonight but cutting myself off early. Got a full day ahead and it has been a busy afternoon and evening preparing and gearing up for battle as we've been entering this next leg of the journey over the last week and increasingly more so in the next few days and weeks.
Ben just filled up a new 3-inch binder a little more than halfway just with all the medical records, radiology reports, blood tests, and various other tests just from the last four weeks alone. PHEW! It has been a crazy month and last six weeks that is for SURE!
And apparently the trend of the floodgate of answers that began very early on in January, after MONTHS of no conclusive diagnoses and no definite answers, we have had MORE answers in this time than ever, which I do not find it to be non-coincidental that we've always had more people joining us in prayer in these last six months, but let's just say, God HEARS and ANSWERS prayers. I mean, I hesitate even saying that because we all know He answers and hears our prayers all the time, even when we don't see any physical manifestation of results here on this side of heaven. But, let me tell you, He has been answer in ways we can see with our eyes as well as our hearts. The Lord hears every cry any of us make to Him, big or small, He cares about it all.
In the last week the count of the nine various possibilities that have been on the table increasingly since January, has now grown to 12.
After being able to update a few others, I hope to be able to begin posting health updates on here as I had intended on doing since the start of the year to ease the pressure of how much stressful sending emails about this can be, but it hasn't been something I have been able to do and the journey of the last six months I really needed to walk through this and lean on the support of my the people God has oh so GRACIOUSLY provided to walk this road with me and with us, so since there was so much happening and changing from week to week, for that period of time I said I would be able to email many of my close girlfriends once the semester was over and we were further along into a couple various treatment plans that seemed to be working.
So, long story short, I deeply VALUE and APPRECIATE all of your prayers. You seriously have no idea. And I know many of you have asked and anted and update and that there are many who have been praying and serving us in this time that also would like updated, so I am feeling finally in a place to be able to do that and know that will be an easier way for me to keep people in the loop for those who want updated.
But, for now, please pray, we are filled with more hope than ever and feel the closest we have felt to cracking this case and I believe we have a few things in the fire that have come to light that are very near to the culprit, or the culprit behind all of this itself. Our recent prayer, “in hope against hope, we wait in hope for You.”
No matter what happens. Answers or no answers. Diagnosis or no diagnosis. We wait for Him and Him alone. He is our hope, we can trust Him. For He who has promised is faithful.
Father, without You, we could not stand.
You are our Jehovah Jireh,
Our God who provides.
Our God of great faithfulness,
Our God of great, great love.
::
Into the darkness, You SHINE
OPEN the eyes of the blind...
There's no one LIKE You...
No none like You...
Our God is greater, our God is stronger;
God You are HIGHER than any OTHER...
Our God is HEALER... awesome in POWER...
Our God... Our God...
- another chris tomlin fave i happen to sorta like :) words that could not be more fitting to wrap up this post, for He truly is greater.
My heart feels like that of a child. Reminded of the peace and contentment I have seen nowhere else but in the sacredness of a baby, their tiny chest rising and falling with each breath as they are lulled into a deep sleep.
Resting in the fullness that they are safe, resting in the fullness that they are loved. Their hearts fully at peace, resting in the assurance that they are okay, that all is well, and that everything is going to be alright.
Two songs upon my heart this morning.
Praise for my God who is taking care of me.
Stilled my heart like that of a weaned child, resting in the arms of a loving parent as they recover from the storms.
Praise for my God who is holding me; praise for my God who is here as my heart is filled with worship. You have tuned my heart to sing Your praise. Praise for simply who You are.
Praise for You who gives life in abundance, in times of plenty or in want.
I have no other words to give You. But my praise.
Simply praise for my God who has been faithful and so incredibly good. My God who has been with me through it all. Breaking and stripping me down again and again and again.
Placing me in the vulnerability of a situation that reminds me daily, hourly and over the course of the last 16.5 months, that I have no control, in a situation where we and doctors and all the help in the world cannot tame this wild beast.
This illness that knows no limits or bounds, this thing that has again come unleashed.
Devastating even on the heels of 12-14 weeks of my life being such a different story and seeing and experiencing hopes of recovery on the horizon even though we thought it was too good to be true. So much that we hardly told but a few people who were witnessing and experiencing the change with us, even in our excitement, there was that part of us knew nothing, even 12-14 weeks of my body reacting one way, could not be taken for certain.
But, this wild beast, my bitter enemy and loathsome companion, you do not get to win. The Enemy and all the powers of death and hell that have been thrown at me, threatening to destroy me at every turn, discourage me at every setback, lie and try to deceive me on the heels of every victory, you do not get to win.
You may destroy my body, you may take my life, but you know not nor fear not the One who has the power to destroy both body and spirit.
You know not the One in whom I have life everlasting.
The One who even when my heart and my flesh may fail,
He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
In the end and in today and in this moment, you donot have the victory.
I will say it again, you do NOT get to win.
For my hope is in the Sovereign Lord.
Not in just being released from this trial, not in the day I know that is coming when I am healed and feel better, not in the all of the possibilities of diagnoses that are becoming clearer more and more each day and with each and every test, not in answers, not in a diagnosis, not in doctors hearing or understanding or believing me, not in all that has been difficult and hard and lost and grieved in this season being restored, but no my hope is in the One true God. My God who has promised, who is faithful.
Again, humbled and broken, I am brought back to my knees. Brought back to this place where I am reminded how scary and fragile and unpredictable this place and life is.
How I know not the next second, let alone hour, day, months, years. Humbled, I am reminded of the searing pain of this thing no one can really fathom or understand.
Humbled, I am reminded how much I wish I could make them understand. Humbled, I am in this circumstance that alone breeds a vulnerability like that which I have never known.
Humbled, as I wish some days I could just run and hide. Humbled, by the days that I do. Humbled, by the times I just want out, set me free from this prison this season and these circumstances can bring. Humbled, by the days and times I just wish it was all over.
Humbled, by the fact I can do nothing despite all the times I have hoped, prayed, dreamed of waking up and realizing it has all gone away.
Humbled, by the complexity of the situation. Humbled, by pain of the scathing opinions, judgments, criticisms of others. Humbled, by how much I wish I could make them understand. Humbled, by the living hell so much of this has been. Humbled, by how many have no idea what we are actually dealing with or going through. Humbled, by the fight to accept that I can't expect them to.
Humbled, by how much I wish that I could.
Humbled, by the lives and the things it has cost: the relationships, the way I live life, every single facet, there has been no stone unturned. Not a single thing untouched or unaffected in its wake.
Humbled, by the reality, things will never be the same even with the blessings and the gifts and the new life and the new relationships He has given me, there is still a pain and a grief to be observed.
Humbled, that things going "back to normal" was once such a naive dream. Humbled, that things will never be the same. Humbled, that He is the only One who has been there, knows and sees all I have gone through, all I have and we have experienced.
Humbled, I am reminded of the reality of the battle that only becomes more complicated and difficult, not any easier, the longer we go through this.
Humbled, I am reminded of "emerging levels of awareness," as a friend so eloquently puts it. The things I thought had been embraced, that suddenly I am sent reeling with shock and surprise at it's magnitude, at greater and greater levels.
Humbled, I am reminded of the ways "crashing waves of grief" can come and collide again with the surface of my life in the moments I am caught again unaware.
Humbled, I am reminded, all is not as it should be, nor as He desires it to be.
Humbled, I am reminded that nothing in life is for certain. Life is unfair. That this is unfair. And I, we, are not in control of the thieves that come in the night. Ripping up and shredding all that life once was and now is.
Humbled I am reminded nothing can be taken for granted. Humbled I am reminded that death, illness, sin, brokenness were never a part of God's plan.
::
Yet, humbled and broken,
I have been given a heart of hope.
A heart that grieves, a heart that bleeds, a heart that celebrates, a heart that rejoices.
A heart that is not letting go and holding on to the One who is holding me as together we weather the storms.
The One who is my Hope against hope.
The One who is my Hope.
Who has shown me, yes, when I place my hope in Him, I will not be disappointed.
When I place my hope and my trust in Him, I will not be put to shame.
My God who is truly a God who laughs when I laugh, and cries when I weep.
Who has held me, shared my tears as my heart has cried and heard His voice resound, this is not what He wants for me.
This is NOT the life He has for me.
I have MORE, for you, He whispers.
I WANT more for you, I HAVE more for you, He tenderly cries.
My God who is like a parent, with their heart nearly ripped out of their chest as they watch their child suffer. Who is consumed with sadness. With anger. With sorrow. Their soul heavy with grief.
Just wishing so desperately that they could trade places. Take the pain away, suffer, so their child, the one they love, doesn't have to. Who feels helpless and wishes so badly they could fix it.
A loving parent who is broken and weeps over their child. And will not stop, will not sleep nor fully rest until they are finally feeling better.
For You are my God who has seen and has known; You are my God who has been with me through it all.
You who is my Hope. You who is my Life.
You are my God whom has never and will never abandon me. My God who has been so faithful. Brought me through experiences I never imagined I could live through. Giving and providing all that I need, using your people to love and serve and support us, blessing me with the gift of presence and the value that has when we are walking through dark times.
Blessing me and carrying me with the strength and hope and peace that only the glorious mystery and wonders of Your love, mercy and grace can provide.
You are My God and my Savior whom I deeply love
My God and My Savior who deeply loves me.
I do not deserve all of this. All that You have given me and how faithful You have been to me, heard each and every cry I have uttered to You. Each and every cry others have lifted up on my behalf.
I do not deserve how good You are to me.
I am reminded of this indescribable thing called grace.
And that Your Word and Your promises are true.
In my moments of darkness, disillusionment, anger, and despair, Your love has been steadfast.
When all within me feels is it quaking, when the walls around me feel they are caving in, in my sorrow and in my tears, You have been there with me.
Loving me. Inviting and pushing me to those hard places. Inviting and pushing me to grieve. You who has held me. Held every tear and every bit of frustration I have cried.
Even when I cannot see or know or understand why it is all happening, or in the moments it feels You have turned Your back on me, there has been that still small voice that reminds me You are there and You are loving me through it and You still have a plan.
In the moments where I am reminded,
Your love is too steadfast to be weak.
For You have shown me... no matter what is happening, in joy or pain, I can trust You for Your heart for me is good and You are always working FOR my good. Even when it feels anything but that. You have shown me I can trust You no matter what is going on all around and about me.
I can trust You, with all that only the eyes of my heart can see.
The hope and the healing and the complete restoration of my body, the day that I know is coming when this is behind me.
And this will all be but a memory. So I can trust You, and know and believe that
You alone are my loving God;
My God whom upon I can fully rely.
Through it all, you have shown and I have tasted and I have seen
that You are Jehovah Jireh,
my God of great love; my God of great faithfulness.
My God who provides.
"GOD YOUR LOVE IS ENOUGH
YOU WILL PULL ME THROUGH...
I'M HOLDING ONTO YOU...
I WILL FOLLOW YOU"
:: "let the waters rise," mikeschair
So I will sing my song of praise to You.
For You alone are God;
You alone are good and You always are taking care of me.
I do not understand the depths of Your love, mercy and grace,
but I am so incredibly thankful.
That You are a God who gives strength to the weary,
who increases the power of the weak.
The One who alone reveals mysteries
and the One who knows what lies in the darkness.
::
The One who led His people on a path through the sea,
who provided for Your people in the wilderness... showing them, showing me, that all who wander are not lost.
For You were there and You are here, leading and guiding, present every step of the way.
"For, in your unfailing love,
you will lead the people you have redeemed;
in your strength you will guide them."
:: exodus 15:13
The God who had a plan for His people's redemption and restoration.
The God who said, You will be my people and I will be Your God.
The God who was and is faithful.
Who not even a single sparrow falls to the ground
apart from our Father knowing.
Not a single sparrow falls to the ground apart from His sight.
And if this God, this Father, who cares for the sparrows, who are bountiful in number,
this God who knows the number of hairs on our head and looks after the fields, the beasts of the land and the birds of the air, how much more valuable then are we?
Yes, we are worth more than the sparrows.
Our Father who rises up to show us His compassion.
The One who whispers a doxology in the darkness
the only words our fragile hearts need to hear,
YES, MY CHILD, I AM WITH YOU.
YES, MY CHILD, I AM HERE.
THERE IS NOT A SINGLE STEP OF THIS YOU WILL HAVE TO FACE ALONE.
FOR, I AM AND WILL BE YOUR SECURITY.
MY DEAR CHILD, BE STILL AND KNOW,
THAT I AM GOD.
::
And all that is within can say nothing else and feels nothing else in this moment, but how great, how truly great... is our God. I love You and I thank You. Amen.
