a new song :: rejoice, part I

This has been a very difficult post for me to write. It has been ruminating in my heart the last couple days after a conversation that deeply affected me in the midst of my struggle. The difficulty comes in how hard it can be swallow these words in the midst of challenging situations, yet remembering this conversation and the new journey God has already taken me on since them, I realized getting it all down on paper would help me remember these important truths, as they have been slowly setting my heart free.

:::

"Rejoice in the Lord, always. I will say it again: rejoice!

Let your gentleness be evident to all, the Lord is near.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

[Philippians 4:4-7]

:::

The question startled me at first.

It came about halfway through the conversation where I was lamenting to one of my mentors my discouragement about my health situation lately and how it seemed like was back to the stretch of darkness and day by day not knowing how I’ll be feeling or if I can do the same things I was able to do even the day before.

I had just mentioned how looking back at the five to six big “outings” as I call them in this last semester, all the pre-wedding and wedding festivities where just for a little bit I could get out and not feel the weight of feeling sick, where I could laugh, enjoy other’s company, socialize, be free, feel fully alive...

And then it would go back to the stretch of uncertainty characterized by mostly being at home, having visitors, going to doctor’s appointments that had now become part of my normal routine. Those moments stand out as markers in my mind, the times in the last four months where I have normal, human again, myself.

Those moments were times that were truly gifts from God. I find, it is often in our deepest sorrows that the joys are so much sweeter. That we realize we are truly chosen and blessed. I remember in the days leading up to each event, my St. Louis bridal shower, my Columbia shower with the Rock ladies, my mom’s shower with ladies from my parent’s church and Woodcrest, we were on standby ready to cancel it is need be if I wasn’t going to be able to get out of the house.

Other moments where I remember being out and feeling totally free and alive again was the first time Ben and I were able to go out on a “date” out of the house in weeks, we had a picnic at Stephen’s Lake, and it was just a wonderful time just being together and just rejoicing that we were able to have a date that wasn’t confined to a couch for once!

Another moment was when after pushing it back for two and a half months, from beginning of March until May, I was finally feeling well enough for us to take our engagement photos, just two weeks before the wedding. We were supposed to have them in March, but life, as well all know happens! But that day was just a celebration.

For Ben and I, it was the end of a long journey we’ve been on together with my health stuff. We were just grateful to be out, enjoying God’s creation, have a time together that didn’t’ consist of hard medical decisions, being in the hospital, wedding stuff, or him helping me with tasks I could no longer do.

It was a time my soul felt totally free, and we were able to enjoy just being together and almost married. It was the first day I had been able to be out of the house a solid eight hours with no pain! I felt like my normal self again. That day was truly special. It carried so much hope and gave me peace for the future.

Then the last two were my bachelorette party the week of the wedding, and then the wedding day! Days I remember with no pain. Six days in the last four months where I felt normal, where by body felt like its old self again.

So, as I was talking with my mentor, I shared how I look back at those days and they don’t even seem real.

It’s like for a few times I was extracted from this dark tunnel I’ve been stumbling through in the dark, days that looked so utterly different from life as I’d known it before, that I had somehow been transplanted into real life, only to be thrust back into the battle again. Where I fight mostly alone.

The same has been true since coming home from the honeymoon. The pain made its unwelcome appearance back in my life again, like an unwelcome visitor I couldn’t get to leave. I was devastated. I had tasted of life out of the valley, out of the tunnel. Life that was centered around doctors visits, medication, rest, heat, ice, therapy, pain, how much I could or could not do, and thought things would steadily improve, only to feel thrown right back down again.

I didn’t know how to cope with it all, I didn’t know how to face another day living with this, especially when in those moments I felt totally surrounded by people, and back into the fold, and then poof, everyone was gone. And I felt the weight and the loneliness this trial has brought.

A time where instead of normally being around and seeing tons of people a day due to the nature of my job, getting to do life and spend a lot of time with people all day, to my main interactions day to day were now with my mom and Ben as we’ve been walking through this together.

I felt jipped. I had put my hope in the doctor’s words that I’d be better at the end of eight weeks, last week of June like he said... even though I had been skeptical, as every other doctor has not been able to project when I would be feeling better or even fully what is wrong.

But I felt called to trust. Not just the doctor, but trust God. That maybe we really were almost ready to put this behind us. Maybe there was end in sight.

And now, with a rude awakening I found myself discouraged and deeply depressed that it didn’t look like this was going to get better anytime soon...

[continued in part II]