smoke screens

I’m at the shelter right now. (I realized I have stories upon stories from the last several months here that I never get a chance to write about, so here's to a new start). And it’s a really unsettling feeling that unfortunately with the level of lethality that some of the abusers have, we can take no one at face value. We are trained to read between the lines, to detect lies, to protect and defend. One of the favorite parts of my job was being trained as a court legal advocate. This morning we’ve had some pretty serious legal issues come up and the part of me that was a journalist and loves digging up stories and the part of me that wanted to go to law school, kicked in full force. That’s part of why I love it out here, this whole other side of me comes out and I’m on a mission. I can’t share the details of that story since it is still unfolding and obviously all of the situations are confidential. But then moments later, another situation I read about in our case notes for today unfolded. A situation where some staff members from another shelter kept insisting on moving a transfer lady upstairs. That violates a number of our policies, our biggest, it breaches confidentiality of the rest of the women there. We have to be sticklers. We take once chance, we could be allowing her abuser in or other abusers. Is there something you’re not telling us. They have been so insistent and something seems off.

The number one indicator in this type of work is not how much you know, but learning to listen to your gut. It usually is telling you something.

There was an eery silence as I walked upstairs to make sure the room was ready. The house is either bursting at the seams, with kids all over the place and the cackling or arguing of women’s voices, or dead silence. One day is different from the next because we are constantly in transition. We’re an emergency shelter, so I know fair too well that anytime I leave a shift I potentially say goodbye to everyone. I’ve realized that the shelter is probably one of the safest places to be. I kinda started getting scared as I realized I was in this huge place alone. When I realized, I have bullet proof windows, alarm systems, fenced in. bolted locks. I think I was going to be okay, it’s probably safer than my own house.

I wanted to believe them. and they probably are fine, but I just can’t do that. I’m wary. There’s this sharp dichotomy here, we are trying to help the women let down their walls and rebuild trust in people again, yet we have to be cautious not only of them when we screen them, but of outsiders in a way that seems to collide with that. I let one of the ladies in our staff bathroom and my mind immediately questioned that decision. What could she have done in there, planted something? You learn to trust no one who tries to come near here. We just can’t let anybody in. one of the first barriers I have to get across with people is their assumptions of me because of how I look. I’m short and I look young, which makes me not look like an authority figure at first glance, so I have to be even more assertive when I screen so they know we mean business. My job here is to protect the women and kids we serve, not to be a nice guy. I have to be a hard ass. And 9/10 times it’s needed. I remember the time I took a hotline call, the guy on the other end was telling me he was already approved to come to Shelter, he needed an ex parte (order of protection) against his wife, who was the alleged perpetrator, and he was on his way.

Hold up, buddy. Not that this isn’t a scenario we’ve had, or that we don’t serve men in this way, but his insistence was the first tip off to me something was not okay. Make matters even worse, he had been “approved” to come on someone else’s shift. I looked back at case notes from the shift earlier. It was true. But my gut was still telling me something wasn’t right.

Another gray area. This was my first guy caller for an ex parte in a long time, the old policy was guys could come here. he ended up showing up. I didn’t let him in at first.

Three days later we find he was the abuser of a woman in the house. what is scary is how believable his story was and even the tears in his eyes and on the phone as he shared his “victimization” with me. you want to believe them, you don’t want to leave someone out in the cold if they really are being abused, but sometimes you simply do not know what is fact and what is faction.

Add that to the fact we’ve had a rash of theft in the place. I’ve had a couple things stolen recently, my glasses being one of them, after they didn’t turn up for 2 weeks of looking and I new that I wore them in that day to work, I remember leaving them in the front office and I know while I was back doing an intake with a new resident that there were at least three residents had been in the front office to get a piece of paper or a pen. My mind didn’t even think that they were stolen until three days in and after emptying not only my purse but cleaning my car and room to find them and bringing a friend to help me look at the Shelter the next day. You don’t want to believe that about the women here. but the type of population we deal with are in the midst of immense brokenness. I wasn’t even mad, just frustrated that this is reality. We have women heavy in drug addiction, alcohol addiction, mental illnesses that have never been diagnosed, welfare, homelessness, uneducated, that some just steal just to steal. I just found out one of the ladies has been pregnant for 5 months and didn’t know it until last week. We see the reality of the human condition and the devastating effects of sin on women and children.

One cool thing, got here this morning and had a little note in my mailbox from a lady who has been here the last six months. Her little kids call me mom. I will miss them a ton. But was reading her card and tears welled up in my eyes. She got the apartment. She’s been saving up, working tons of crazy hours to get into public housing and get back on her feet. Their first place. And the first time she’s ever had a place of her own. She’s on her way and her children are going to have a shot at having a different story.