Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story...

... for He's been good to us.

I could think of no better way to end the night, than with a passage that resonates deeply within, an expression of gratitude for the Lord of and in the storms, the One who will never leave us out at sea, for when we cry out to the Lord, He delivers us... Let us give thanks and praise His Holy name.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story—
those he redeemed from the hand of the foe...

Some wandered in desert wastelands,
finding no way to a city where they could settle.

They were hungry and thirsty,
and their lives ebbed away.

Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.

He led them by a straight way
to a city where they could settle.

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for humankind,

for he satisfies the thirsty
and fills the hungry with good things.

Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness,
prisoners suffering in iron chains,

because they rebelled against God's commands
and despised the plans of the Most High.

So he subjected them to bitter labor;
they stumbled, and there was no one to help.

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.

He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,
and broke away their chains.

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for humankind,

for he breaks down gates of bronze
and cuts through bars of iron...

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.

He sent out his word and healed them;
he rescued them from the grave.

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for humankind...

Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story..."

For He's been good to us.

- excerpts of psalm 107

up from the shadowlands: part 8

[... rising again from these ashes-- raw, unedited, uncut-- the journey and the battle the last few days. again, i have come undone... empty-handed yet alive in his hands...]

::

... It took hours later of ruminating on all the emotions and the multiple layers of disappointment I faced in calling the neurologist for results from the last few exams, then trying to get this appointment moved up, or wondering why this one is scheduled for December, or calling and wondering why every single piece of this has had to be an uphill battle.

I feel much more peace today and I feel once again that Ben and I are a team. United again and both fully on board with our mission. It was just as hard for him to see and understand why this recent turn of events came on so suddenly, as it was equally hard for me to articulate and cope with how quickly things had gone downhill but now the rest of the day, we have been sharing the load and tackling this together, splitting up the phone calls we need to make and working towards a plan. God is with us. Through it all.

A new plan. As it seems every week of this with my condition changing, the plan has to change. But I feel united and on board with Ben and most importantly with God, I feel peace about the new direction we are heading and these doors that have been closed does not mean the final answer and is actually confirming that we need to now move down another avenue.

Why have you forgotten me? I cried out to the Lord yesterday, as it was an emotional day, I broke down crying three separate times, and I realized this morning, I am grieving, again. Grieving that the life I have finally grown used to the last couple of months is now changing again. You would think it gets easier, but it doesn't. Even just the shift from being able to do things out of the house for 4-6 hours a day, while still dealing with the symptoms, is something I'd trade now in a heartbeat. I didn't realize how good I had it. I know I will adjust to the "new normal" again, but it's hard to know when being out of the house more than an hour or driving again will be in the picture.

But, the truth is, He has not forgotten me. He has never left my side.

Even when it FEELS like God is silent, in my heart, I choose to believe, He is not.

The lyrics from a Casting Crown song popped in my mind Monday night as I was wondering how long it would be this way. I didn't feel like making the choice to trust God, I was waiting to feel that peace and for all the feelings to match up and say, joyfully, yes, Lord, I am choosing to trust you today...

But that song put it perfectly,

“Even though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm.”

Wow. I felt free. That other people go through this too. Sure, I had made the choice many times to trust Him even when maybe I didn't feel all the way there yet, but the stakes seem higher now.

And to be reminded of that lyric reminded me that,

"Trust," as Brennan Manning says, “is an utterly ruthless act... oftentimes requiring a courage that borders on the heroic.”

Man, he could not be more true.

The tears shed in the last few days have given voice to the ruthlessness of choosing to trust.

More was being stripped away. Again. I felt naked. Cold, alone. Wandering in this dense shadowland, not knowing where to even take my next step. I felt the shadows and the darkness closing in on me more and more. As I frantically looked around, searching for something, anything that would show me the way.

But now, even though my heart is torn, I can and I will praise you, Father. For you are so incredibly faithful. Yes, you are so incredibly good. I read recently that God's goodness goes deeper than joy or pain. It includes them both. That also couldn't be more true.

For if there is anything I have learned in the last several months, it is that faith and doubt can co-exist, the same heart that says, yes, Lord I trust you, is also the same doubting heart that wonders and questions the way. That joy and sorrow can co-exist, hope and despair, victory and defeat, it is not always either/or, but sometimes both. As I tell people it is crazy, in this season I have never loved God more or been more in love with Him, yet I have also never struggled to trust Him more, never had more doubts.

I used to think the two were separate, but they are actually one in the same. One leads to the other and back and forth again. He loves me. Nothing can or ever will change that, and in that love, we are called to a wide open space... we are finally... free. Moving forward with more of God than we once had. Our souls being drawn more and more to Him each day, in the weakness and in the pain, we find strength, hope, life again. Life within His hands.

Making that choice to trust requires a death, another dying, another grief. A death that leads to new and resurrection life, yet one that is not made without calculating the risk.

But just as the Lord pleaded again and again with Israel and reminded them that He was the God, the one who chose them, who called them by name and loved them. Simply loved them more than they would ever know. All he wanted was their trust, and for them to learn to live life another way.

In Him.

That yesterday, my heart was torn and I didn't feel completely like I could trust Him, or praise Him.

But I was reminded that the God of the Israelites, is the same God with me today, here and now. He could provide for them, He could deliver them, He parted the waters and He laid the foundations of the earth. He could also move in my life. In this situation. He is sovereign, and sees and knows all the intricacies of the rising hope and crashing disappointment we've been experiencing daily.

He is ENOUGH.

He is Israel's and my only Savior...

“But now, this is what the Lord says-
he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel:

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name;

you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.

Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,

I will give nations in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.

Do not be afraid, for I am with you."

- isaiah 43:1-5

up from the shadowlands: part 7

[... rising again from these ashes-- raw, unedited, uncut-- the journey and the battle the last few days. again, i have come undone... empty-handed yet alive in his hands...]

::

... TREASURES IN THE DARKNESS

I was given a gift yesterday.

A gift He has been preparing in the last couple months of time the Lord and I have spent together in His word. His words that He has hidden in my heart. And I found myself, like Israel, needing to be reminded that even though it feels like disaster keeps coming upon me,

He is the Lord.

That was all I needed to know.

I didn't have to figure out how it was all going to work out, or even what to do in the next few days, or hours. All I needed to know is that He is greater.

HIGHER and ABOVE all things.

That He is bigger than this. Has a plan. Already knows how it will be in the end, that He has already walked it out and knows the road, every single step of the way. He will guide us.

He is sovereign... and over and over, these verses I've shared above started running through my mind... who do you think created the heavens and the earth, who do you think held the mountains in his hands, who do you think is BIGGER, GREATER than all that is going on.

I could hear the cries of my God, simply desiring that in my brokenness and all my fears and all my questions... that I would come to him.

Just come.

And know that he is HE. The Lord, apart from whom, there is no Savior.

And slowly, as I thought of all I saw in God's pleas with His people, His beloved Israel, I could hear those same pleas being asked of me.

That I would remember that he is He.

Then, we come to the the fortieth chapter of Isaiah where the tune changes.

The title of chapter 40 is Comfort for God's People:

“Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins...” (isa. 40:1-2)

Or chapter 41, where the title is The Helper of Israel:

.:: “I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...” (isa. 41:9-10)

.:: “The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues parched with thirst. But I the Lord will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.” (isa. 41:17)

.:: “Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying, this is the way, walk in it.” (isa. 30:18-21)

::

This hunger and desire to be more deeply rooted in God's Word is something that God alone has done. I felt a need, feeling the strength of the waves tossing me back and forth in this season, knowing that in a crisis and in a trial that more was needed. I needed perspective and for the Spirit of God to allow me each day to get my eyes on Him. To set my mind and heart on things above. To remember that I am His child and each day all that was desired of me was to come as I am, trust, love and rely upon my God.

I have never needed God more and at the same time, I have never known or seen a God like this before. He has led me to new places, deeper regions in the endless depths of His heart, He has restored me, mended me by His touch.

I was reminded a few weeks ago that this a marathon, not a sprint, I needed to find ways to receive strength and hope to endure in this trial. A strength and hope only God can provide. By His grace, He has led me on this journey though His story that He is telling, in and all around us, and in the pages of His Word.

To be able to see the progression of a God that people felt was distant. Or hidden, or unfair. In reading the One year Bible and reading several books including Yancey's Disappointment with God, the Story of God has taken on a whole new meaning.

To see the progression of God simply desiring the love and affection and trust of His people. A God that refused to come by force or exert His power, as all the previous kings who had came before had done. No, He chose to come as a baby. In the most vulnerable of forms and to lead His kingdom in the way of love, humility and sacrifice, not by forcing his subjects to follow him by brute force, fear, terror or power.

There was another way.

Two words struck me in the reading yesterday.

Listen and forgotten.

The reading in Isaiah 48 yesterday picks up in verse 12,

“Listen to me, Jacob, Israel, whom I have called:

I am he; I am the first and I am the last. My own hand laid the foundations of the earth, and my right hand spread out the heavens...

Come near me and listen to this...

I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.

If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your well-being like the waves of the sea.

Your descendants would have been like the sand, you children like its numberless grains; their name would never be blotted out nor destroyed before me.” (isa. 48:12-13, 16, 17-19)

Then we get to the middle of Isaiah 49, where the title is now Restoration of Israel:

“This is what the Lord says:

'In the time of my favor I will answer you, and in the day of salvation I will help you; I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people, to restore the land and to reassign its desolate inheritances, to say to the captives, 'Come out!' and to those in darkness, 'Be free!'

They will feed beside the roads and find pasture on every barren hill. They will neither hunger nor thirst, nor will the desert heat or the sun beat down on them.

He who has compassion on them will guide them and lead them besides springs of water....

Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountain! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

“But Zion said, 'The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.”

That was when it hit me. Despite my morning of staring at my beloved feelings chart from counseling and recovery ministry and trying to “pull out the weeds,” as my counselor says, and identify all the emotions I was feeling and why. I hadn't found a word that quite captured it perfectly, till I read that word,

forgotten.

Hmmm. Acknowledging that word hurt. The sorrow welled up again within me, like a little child who was left waiting after school for a ride that hadn't come, I felt the sting of feeling forgotten. Not just by anyone, but by a loved one. A parent. Oh could I relate to Zion. I felt like the Lord had forsaken me, I felt like the Lord had forgotten me. With all that was within me, I felt crushed because I couldn't understand how He could or why He would.

I remembered that while feelings are valid, they are never right or wrong, they just ARE, that even though I FELT forsaken and forgotten by God, was that really the case? ...

up from the shadowlands: part 6

[... rising again from these ashes-- raw, unedited, uncut-- the journey and the battle the last few days. again, i have come undone... empty-handed yet alive in his hands...]

::

... TREASURES WITHIN

One of the coolest things happened yesterday in the middle of all of my despair and feeling I was sinking deeper and deeper into a depression. There was nothing in our house I felt like doing, everything would trigger some sort of pain or discomfort and I couldn't leave the house. Usually, as I find it absolutely and totally the grace of God that I have never, for one day in the last months been bored and not known what to do with myself, mostly being at home, but yesterday, when you're depressed, you don't feel like doing anything. Things that were once fun or crafting which has become a good outlet for me, no longer sounded fun.

I remember sitting there on the recliner after calling a couple of friends wondering what would come next or what to do with myself.

And then I was given a gift.

A gift I felt I didn't even want. I didn't want to turn to God yesterday.

I wasn't sure how I felt about Him at the moment.

And the thought of spending the early parts of my day communing with Him and allowing Him to speak to me through His word and through my journaling and processing felt like the last thing I wanted to do.

Yesterday I felt reading His word and reading about trusting God and believing him now for what will only make sense in reverse, as Yancey shares, was just too painful for me.

I felt rejected. Not good enough. Sure that's easy for you to say, but at least you knew what your wife had, at least you had doctors that were on her side, that knew what was going on, how do I know that I don't have three more months to live, or have a disease with no cure and will die before I'm 40 or that there will never be answers, that I will just have to suffer?

Easy for you to say that, yes, trust in God, believe Him, but this is urgent. I can't just sit here and wait. I am getting more and more sick each day and God, where did you go? You've been walking so intimately with me in this and now I can't see you. I can't find you, feel you near. Where are you and why have you left us wandering out here again in the dark?

I sunk deeper into my depression and it felt scary to not feel like God was safe again. I so desperately wanted to sink into the arms of my Father, but suddenly was questioning him again and wondering if His deliverance would be delayed, like it was before, in that time in my childhood into my adult life, where I wondered where God was, why didn't He rescue me sooner?

Then I heard this so loud it was nearly audible. This simple question alone shook me out of my despondence.

“But do you not remember, that I am the Lord?”

It stopped me dead in my tracks.

You see, it is funny how the Lord works.

For the last couple of months, I have had a deeper need and God has given me a deeper desire to be in His Word. God has been making scripture come alive to me, as I've been going through the One year Bible, where basically you read an old testament reading, a new testament reading, a section of a psalm, and a proverb each day. I've been loving it.

Now, I have never been able to keep up with reading plans and things like that so I usually don't try. And I've started and restarted this book but always felt discouraged because my reading would be segmented and vary. For instance, since it is broken up by dates, I would miss five chapters of Exodus, if I missed a couple days, then would want to follow and jump in the next day but then I'm missing part of the story.

Well, in the midst of my searching my heart and God's heart on what is really up with pain and suffering, I was led again to the book of Job. Let's take a deeper look at what was really going on in this man's life. And I wanted to, like Job, say, even though he slay me, I will trust in Him. I wanted that kind of faith, that kind of trust. A trust that begs him to ask the question when his wife was tempting him to curse God for all the calamity they were experiencing, he had me from the beginning when he asked her,

“Shall we except good from God and not trouble?” (Job 2:10)

So I started there, even though the date didn't match up to what date it really was, and from there have just been doing the next day's reading day after day. I've been really enjoying having the time to be in the Word more and see more of the Story God is telling unfold.

He has been meeting me there in His word, revealing so much of His heart towards me, freeing me in His truth and allowing me to gain a new perspective and fall more in love with this God who is crazy in love with His people and will stop at nothing to have our hearts.

Usually studying the word and memorizing scripture is hard for me, mostly because I come from a church background growing up that was very legalistic in nature, filled with Bible quizzes and being able to have the right answer to say, but the power of the Word didn't really penetrate our hearts.

I've had this huge disdain for anything that comes remotely close to my legalistic past, such as reading plans. So over the years, I've had other ways of reading the word and holding his truth close to my heart.

But for some reason, this time it has been different. Each day I've felt God giving me my daily bread, the rich promises He displays lavishly in His Word. Words that have given me life and renewed my heart and mind, revived my hope and given me strength to trust Him with another day.

Lately, for the old testament reading, (always the larger chunk, several chapters), we are now in the book of Isaiah, my FAVORITE book.

I grew a love for this book even more when I went through Beth Moore's “Breaking Free” Bible study one year by myself as I was looking for a way to stay more consistently in His word, and that study was nothing short of amazing. This was before the days where she puts her DVD lessons online, so I never got to see the video portions of it, but still felt God met me in powerful ways through that study.

But, for being my favorite book of the Bible, I realized, as I started reading this time, that somehow I always have skipped over the first oh, 30 or so chapters, where God is sharing His judgment for His people, His wayward nation of Israel and speaking of all that He will do to them. For they have put their trust in other gods and have not followed His ways. His wrath consumes the first 35-40 chapters, to the point where I'm like, when are we gonna get to the GOOD stuff, you know, the verses in Isaiah 40-45 including some of my favorite words:

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine... or do not be afraid, for I am with you, I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”

or

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you... when you pass through the fire, you will not be burned... I have chosen you, I will give nations and people in exchange for you, because I love you... I will delight in you... you are precious and honored in my sight...” and on and on.

But, when we start at the beginning, we begin to understand the true weight of those words. For in the chapters leading up to it, it is almost overwhelming. Time after time, God is pronouncing judgment on Israel, and prophecy about this people and that nation, prophecy of his judgment and how he will withhold his compassion... and Israel keeps going back to their other lovers, the ones who cannot save them. But they don't know the danger of their folly, so God pronounces judgment, prophecy about what is to come if things continue the way they are going:

.:: “See now, the Lord, the Lord Almighty, is about to take from Jerusalem and Judah both supply and support...” (isaiah 3:1)

.:: “Jerusalem staggers, Judah is falling; their words and deeds are against the Lord, defying his glorious presence. The look on their faces testifies against them; they parade their sin like Sodom; they do not hide it. Woe to them! They have brought disaster on themselves.” (isa. 3:8-9)

.:: “The fortified city stands desolate, and abandoned settlement, forsaken like the wilderness; there the calves graze, there they lie down; they strip its branches bare.

When its twigs are dry, they are broken off and women come and make fires with them. For this is a people without understanding; so their Maker has no compassion on them, and their Creator shows no favor.” (isa. 27:10-11)

.:: “You turn things upside down, as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, 'You did not make me?' Can the pot say to the potter, 'You don't know what you're doing?' (isa. 29: 16)

.:: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.” (isa. 30:15)

All throughout this first third of the book of Isaiah, I couldn't wait to get to the parts where the Lord changes the tune, and gives compassion to his people, gives them another chance, announce that he has chosen and redeemed them. But all of this time in those chapters was worth it, especially today.

The last few weeks in these chapters, I could hear the pleas of a God desperately desiring the love and the trust of His people, but Israel, in her idolatrous, adulterous and fickle heart, would not listen.

Would constantly look and search for other gods.
Gods that could not save them.
Broken cisterns that always ran dry.

And you just want to go, listen to HIM, He knows what's best for you, He knows what is right, you can trust him, you don't have to go to those other places, I know you think you know the way, but trust that HE does. Can't you see how much He loves you, can't you see that He is the LORD, who is high and above all things? That He created you and created the world all around you...

::

My favorite questions are the numerous times these questions are presented, as if to say, who are you to question the Lord?

.:: “Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?

Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?

Who can fathom the Spirit of the Lord, or instruct the Lord as his counselor? Whom did they Lord consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way?” (isa. 40:12-14)

.:: “… Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow weary or tired and his understanding no one can fathom...” (isa. 40:28)

.:: “I am the Lord, who has made all things, who alone stretched out the heavens, who spread out the earth by myself...

I am the Lord and there is no other...

I am the first and I am the last; apart from me there is no savior. Who then is like me? Let them proclaim it.” (isa. 44)

And on and on it goes. And in these passages, as I've looked in and been struck by how many times the Lord has to assert himself, remind them of who He is, tell them that He is God, remind them of who created them, and that he is sovereign, above all, that there is no one is like him, I've been struck at why God had to repeat himself so many times.

Because like Israel, I am also fickle and broken. I lose my way sometimes. I need reminded. I forget that it is He, and that He is the Lord, that He has a plan, that He loves me so much he would give peoples and nations in exchange for me, that He is higher and above all things, that He sees and knows all that is going on, and He has not forgotten me. He is here. Ready to help me. Quick to remind me that I am not alone.

What the Lord told me yesterday I still need reminded of today. That like Israel, I can so easily forget that He is THE Lord.

So yesterday, as I struggled to want to turn to Him or His word, His word began speaking to me... as first the phrase came into my mind, as I was at a total loss for words...

I am the Lord.

Wow. There is really nothing more You needed to say.

So, THAT'S why I needed it repeated so many times. So that now, in my moments yesterday, I could hear His voice rising above all the ashes...

up from the shadowlands: part 5

[... rising again from these ashes-- raw, unedited, uncut-- the journey and the battle the last few days. again, i have come undone... empty-handed yet alive in his hands...]

::

... TO OWN A DRAGON

I felt like I was living a nightmare.

I have been in a nearly eight month fight with this dragon that each day becomes more and more ruthless in its attempts to take me out.

Some days his strength is contained, and I can still hear him rattling the iron bars within its cage, trying to break free, I can feel the scorching heat of the fire he tries to breathe down my neck, but usually I am far enough away that I won't be burned.

But lately, as in a situation a couple months ago when I ran out of medication and faced a six-hour period where I dealt with this thing, unmedicated... I felt like I had finally felt this dragon's real strength.

It was unbearable.

I remember collapsing to the floor that day, sobbing and sitting with Ben trying to figure out what to do, do we go back to the hospital, do we call this doctor on call or this one, do we go to the ER?

I remember that day as I have been reacquainted with now, how ugly this thing was.

To think that every day I was only experiencing a fraction of the pain and complete havoc this is wreaking on my body blew my mind.

I have never experienced anything like it. That was the day I realized I was fighting this dragon. That day I got to see the strength of his claws, this thing that was more ugly and more nasty than I could have ever realized.

To slay a dragon.

I have often thought of that as my daily activity now. I spend all day, all my energy trying to keep his dragon from getting unleashed. For I know it's brute strength, and even though I experience it day by day, at least I am able to keep him somewhat at a distance. At least I am able to somewhat know how to keep him under control for the day.But I feel more and more defeated by this enemy. This sickness that is attacking my body that we cannot name.

They say the first rule of war is to know your enemy.

Well, I know THAT Enemy, and believe me, Satan has had the time of his life with trying to spew out venom and lies just like the dragon has been attacking me, but we don't know what we're fighting with this illness.

I don't really have to know what it is just to know. I felt I let go of that desire to “just know” a long time ago, in fact, I don't think that has been an issue for quite some time. But I just want to know what I have, so we can know how to treat it. So that we know what we're fighting, so that I know each day that I am either helping or hurting it. It is hard to wonder and feel like each day I am slowly destroying my body.

Did I need to be on bed rest this whole time? Has any activity been causing this? There is no way of knowing.

And while our hope in all of this time as we have learned can ONLY fully be in the Lord, as we would've gone crazy by now if we had placed our hope anywhere else. It cannot be in the doctors, or finding out answers, or this hospital, or this treatment, or this clinic.

Yet, knowing what I have will allow me to be able to function again. Even if I do have a chronic condition, which at this point is most likely the case, at least finding out answers will lead to solutions.

As one of my many cheerleaders, as she calls herself, the mother of a good friend of mine has said to me repeatedly in her encouraging emails... to not give up. She experienced something similar where one of her children was born and struggling with health problems for quote sometime before the doctors found out what it was. She too, grew tired of doctors looking at her and saying, “well, everything looks normal.” as they do when you get test results that indicate they didn't find anything.

It becomes a psychological thing, where you really begin to feel that maybe this is all in your head, why can't the doctors find anything. But I have eight months of evidence and symptoms and a complete overhaul of life as I knew it to attest that no, this is NOT in my head.

The pain and the physical limitations reminds me I am not dreaming. There IS something wrong with my body, they just haven't found out what it is yet, as she has said numerous times in her emails. Words that have given me and Ben strength to continue fighting and pushing and prodding our way through this.

And why would you WANT to be going through this? She asked me, I mean, you get married in less than a month, who would want to spend their engagement period like this, like it doesn't make sense why it would even benefit you to WANT to not be able to work the last few months or wonder if you will even have energy to make it through let alone ENJOY your wedding day.

I will never forget that, and as I have told her countless times, God has used her as such a critical piece in all of this. Many times saying the things God knew I desperately needed to here.

One of the last things she reminded of was, was even if the doctors are not understanding why I'm still experiencing all these symptoms and keep saying we've done every test... she said, no, they have NOT done every test because we haven't figured out what is wrong yet. There ARE answers and there ARE solutions out there, don't give up.

We haven't. Those words have become fighting words, words I remind myself every time me or Ben gear up for another battle on the phone with insurance companies, or trying to get this paperwork process moved up, or trying to see where a referral is at from getting us an appointment somewhere or trying to get an appointment moved up. The truth that there are answers and there are solutions out there, gives me strength to fight. I know I am not going crazy, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, believe you me. Chronic pain and now chronic fatigue as I'm experiencing is no joke. I am blown away by and the utmost respect for the millions of people who have adapted and live the rest of the entire lives with this undercurrent of pain that never goes away.

Once we find out what is going on in my body, I won't have to live my life like this, needing heat or ice on my neck all of my waking hours of the day. Having to plan out my day aground which activities will cause more or less pain. Not being able to do more than one errand at a time. Or having to stay at home, and now, mostly laid up.

Right now we have gone from management to survival mode.

I can learn to live with this, as god has been graciously allowing me to learn, but learning how to live for the long haul with this will only come once we have more adequate treatment.

Cause now it's just a guessing game and I am getting weaker and weaker each day. My time out of the house keeps shrinking. Now instead of a few hours, 30 minutes to an hour is taxing on me. I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take...

up from the shadowlands: part 4

[... rising again from these ashes-- raw, unedited, uncut-- the journey and the battle the last few days. again, i have come undone... empty-handed yet alive in his hands...]

::

... The most crushing blow came Friday, when I felt I had finally figured out a new rhythm with the muscle fatigue. Since it has been usually at about the two hour mark that my body starts going downhill, after being out in the morning for a couple hours taking a friend somewhere and hanging out afterward, I came home and rested for a couple hours, put my feet up, tried to do nothing while alternating heat and ice on my neck or legs.

Then went to Panera to have a late morning bagel and hot chocolate, was only there for 30 minutes and on my way home even though I was beginning to feel bad but knew I needed to go get some groceries at Walmart now before I wouldn't be able to leave the house later (as Ben was asleep, he works nights four days a week and I couldn't wait till he would be up later since I needed stuff for lunch).

So I go there, I'm walking slow, pushing the cart, get to the back of the store, as now the cart is loaded down with laundry soap, this and that and I wished I had gotten the heavier stuff last. I had to stop several times to rest my arms and legs from pushing the cart. I started getting lightheaded. My muscles started spasming all over. I finally got enough strength to go check out and nearly asked the checker if they could push my cart to my car, but instead pushed it myself and was ready to collapse by the time I got to the car.

Got home, it took me 20 minutes to haul in all the groceries as I could only carry one bag at a time. I finally gave up and just decided to bring in anything that would spoil and lay in the recliner for an hour before I could resume bringing them in.

After that, I rested for a couple hours as I was going out to eat with some of the girls from church at six, and wanted to be able to drive again and enjoy that time with them. Was feeling pretty good, had my heat and ice with me and all the things I needed, we had time to go to Hot Box cookies afterward and enjoy a delightful dessert and then I took the girls back to campus.

Got home at eight to hang out with Ben, it worked out perfectly because I was thinking I could be out no more than two hours, and come home and hang out with Ben, as he normally gets up at 8:00 pm and we hang out for a couple hours before he has to go back in to work at 11 pm.

Get home, was feeling great, it was really good to get to hang out with the girls, I was wanting to catch up with some of my no longer freshman, but now big and bad sophomore girlies I met last year and while I have still been able to stay connected with girls from church and having them over one-on-one for meetings and sharing life together, it was really good to be able to hang out with a few of them at a time and just reconnect.

And I was really excited, as I told them it had been another rough week physically, but I felt I had finally found a routine, that it seemed I could be out two hours, then come home rest two hours, then be out again, etc. FINALLY, routine, something not unpredictable and maybe I can actually make plans now with people. I've been able to make plans, but mostly if the girls are able to come to the house for meetings, so at least I can know that I can still talk with them and don't have to worry about if I will be able to drive or not or be out.

Then, all of a sudden, about 8:30 pm hits, after I tell Ben what a good day I'd had, how I felt encouraged, finally was figuring out a new plan that was working, as it has changed every week, then I crash.

It was as if all the activity of the day had caught up with me. I was in the worst pain I have ever experienced in this. I couldn't move, all I knew was I needed to take my medicine and go to bed.

There was no gradual, oh I think I need to rest. Everything in my body started rebelling against me. The symptoms grew out of control. Nothing seemed to tame it and I had to surrender and call it a night a little before 9 pm.

::

The story has been relatively the same the last few days, couldn't go to church last minute Saturday as I couldn't' be out more than an hour. Sunday pretty much same thing.

I've now had to give up driving, as Monday when I just had to get out of the house and drove to the post office to drop some mail off, I wasn't five minutes down the road before my right leg was already completely exhausted, but I was determined. And even if I paid for it later, I needed a 30 minute drive for my sanity.

I realized just this morning, that I am grieving.

That once I was able to drive again in early May, I felt a sense of freedom and independence again. It was part of my therapy, I'd tell people. That being the busy body that I am, and usually having an active schedule, I could handle things being slower now, but it was a NEED for me to be able to be out of the house, drive myself somewhere, even if it was only to the post office or Starbucks, and have that time in the car to feel free, to process, to listen to music, to be out, MOVING, heading somewhere, and to be able to make it back on my own.

Moving to our new place after we got married has made staying at home a lot easier. I love our home. It is perfect for us, and has truly been a refuge. I've actually enjoyed being there more, not feeling like I was in a prison as I did in my old apartment with the girls, simply because it was the crappiest apartment I've ever been in, and the stark and bare white walls were enough to make me feel I was going to lose it.

But back to what I was saying...

So with this recent downhill turn of events, I was determined to stay in bed or lay on a recliner up until the time of our staff meeting yesterday, hoping that if I did no activity before then, that maybe I'd be able to drive and go.

12:30 hit and I had to let one of our pastors know I wasn't going to be able to make it. Then I broke into tears for the second breakdown of the day as everything felt like it was crashing in on me.

This isn't fair, I cried. I let all my anger and frustration be known to God. All of my fears, worries and doubts. All that I felt each day has been taken away from me. Now I can't even hardly leave the house, this is like the beginning, but things are SUPPOSED to get better, right, not worse?...

up from the shadowlands: part 3

[... rising again from these ashes-- raw, unedited, uncut-- the journey and the battle the last few days. again, i have come undone... empty-handed yet alive in his hands...]

::

... I was reminded where the original breakdown occurred for me.

And as I've been battling discouragement the last few days I have realized I have gone back to that first disappointment with God, from the time when I was a little girl, and even though God has come through for me in so many ways since then, and even since I have seen how God was WITH me through some of the most painful memories of my past, not just sitting far off looking at what was going on, that I wondered yesterday, just as I look back now, on how long this will go on.

God delivered me from my past, yet it was after 17 excruciating painful years. Deliverance didn't come to after my 21^st birthday... and while NOW, I can see how God was with me all that time, and how I wouldn't be who I am without how God has taken, healed, restored and redeemed the wounds from my past, that I wouldn't have a relationship with Him, had that brokenness not led me to Him, that I would not have a desire to love and share the love of Christ with others who are also hurting and broken or have a heart and passion for women's ministry and desiring women to know God more and also, know more of who they really are, to see women, healed, freed and restored.

Empowered to live more like the women we were created to be. If it hadn't been for the painful things God brought me through, I know I would not have a tender place in my heart for others who are also hurting. So I can see now, in reverse, how it all makes sense. Not only for the sake of others, but for the restoration in my own broken and distorted image of God. Not what I believed in my head, but it was my heartfelt view of God that had to be restored. That journey and the pain He has brought me through has all been worth it for the sake of knowing Him, even if it was all for that purpose, for restoring me back to Himself, it has been worth it.

But then we come to the current issue at hand.

I realized, that those questions I dealt like eight, 10, 12 years ago, questions that have resurfaced time and time again in dealing with this sickness, have brought me back to that place of wrestling with shame.

That maybe there is just something wrong with me. No one else would have allowed this to go on this long. Everything we're doing is not enough. I could be living with a deadly disease and by the time we find out what it is we're fighting, it might be too late. Maybe this time, God will not come through for me. I mean, remember back in my childhood. All those nights I cried myself to sleep or hid under my bed or in my closet, crying out and hoping someone would come to my rescue. What if this is like that?

And with the resurfacing of these questions, like the last time they came up in the middle of the summer when I began to dive in deeper to the “problem of pain” and collected and have been going through as many books as I could that dealt with pain and suffering and where God is in the midst of all that.

I remember coming to that point where I realized I had to deal with those questions. I was scared. I didn't want to go there. It didn't feel safe, I was afraid of what I'd find. I knew I wasn't losing my faith, but would this search really be good for me?

I found that answer to be yes, as I remember coming to the point where I could truly say with all of my being, “God, I KNOW that you love me. I know you delight in me, I know I am your child, YOUR beloved, all I know of you and have experienced of you, that I know to be true seems to totally contradict all of this. It doesn't match up with how I've been suffering (at that point six months, now just two weeks short of eight months) and dealing with chronic pain, now chronic fatigue, now chronic muscle fatigue. For this long.

It just wasn't matching up. I found myself re-asking these questions:

God, am I less important to you?
Have you forgotten me?
Do I matter less to you than this girl or that girl?
God, if you are all powerful and sovereign, why have you not healed me?
Why do I have to suffer like this?

Am I less loved?

Will you come through for me?
Or should I be expecting the worst.

Why do you all of a sudden feel so far away? Silent?
Why aren't you doing anything? Why aren't you moving?

It seemed we were back at the drawing board.

I am losing strength every day.
I am getting worse.

My capacity for being up and about, or out of the house, keeps shrinking.

Running errands and driving around for an hour used to be the limit, now in the last week or so, I can't even get 5 minutes down the road before all the muscles in my legs are exhausted from driving.

Now instead of being able to be out for a few hours, with my mini cooler full of ice packs to keep my neck under control so other symptoms don't start developing while I'm out, i.e., numbness and tingling in my arms and legs, and then being equipped with a few heat packs in case my muscles need relaxed at any point in time, bringing my pillow for back support, so if I'm meeting someone at a restaurant or coffee shop or going to their house, my back muscles will get supported and not start causing problems, and being armed with my trusty foldable stool that I take everywhere for my feet, to keep them elevated and allow my legs to relax while I am in conversation or sitting at a table, and finally, my meds and the medicated sports cream that I can rub on my arms or legs when my muscles started getting fatigued while I'm driving to give me a little more juice.

But now, doing all those things I've been doing since July when I realized what I need to be able to function during the day and out of the house, are not even lighting a match to the symptoms I am now experiencing.

I have lost complete control over my body. I can manage the neck pain and keep my neck calmed down with alternating heat and ice in my neck wrap all day, but I have not found anything that works for the fatigue and muscle fatigue, my body simply shuts down suddenly and all I can do is sit in a recliner or lay in my bed till things calm down.

But calm rarely comes. I've found I'm now needing to be on modified bed rest again, as even resting my legs for six hours just so I can go somewhere that night or afternoon, makes no difference and has no bearing on whether my body will be working later or not.

The only remedy is to not move.

Are you kidding me?
Not this again.

It seems we have gone right back to the beginning.

Things are supposed to get better, right, not worse? How could this be? I have asked myself and God and Ben a number of times lately.

I have felt helpless the last few days. Trying to rack my brain on how things have declined so quickly.

I felt things were moving, that we were making progress with the doctors, only to have more disappointing blows toward the end of the week last week, blows that have only been intensified by my condition getting worse day by day and feeling that no one (no one as in the doctors, not my husband, family, friends and church community who have all been a tremendous support in this) can hear my cries. Can see how bad things really are. Can see how little I am able to function or do normal activities from day to day. That each day I am getting weaker.

I realized yesterday I haven't had a “good” day in more than a week and a half. The symptoms have grown once again out of control and unmanageable. There is no warning before my legs will go numb or go out, stop working, where the muscles get so tight, it feels like the entire back of my legs, from the back of my heels all the way up my legs, is a huge pulled muscle. Yet I can shake it off. I have no idea when I will be able to resume walking, sometimes it lasts for a few minutes, other times a few hours. Which has now turned into days, that I will wake up and my muscles still feel flexed, as if I'd been flexing my muscle, unable to relax the whole night, and parts of my legs will still be numb and tingly, with no sign of when my leg will regain feeling.

It has been crushing. I feel defeated by this thing. It is draining me of my strength more and more each day.

I have been crying out, feeling this is urgent, but it has felt like I am crying out and shouting for help but no one (in the medical field) can hear me, as we've faced disappointment after disappointment from so many different places we are pursuing for treatment. Or they see me crying out, but don't think it is a big deal...