Water You turned into wine

“Joy is not an absence of struggle or sorrow, but the taste of the presence of God as he surprises us with his gracious love, whatever our circumstances.” [ Dan Allender ]

Read this the other day in The Healing Path and man did it hit the nail on the head of exactly what things have been like.

I’m finding there is an unshakable joy or peace we can possess even in the midst of challenges in trials. A gift that is not one we could have ever conjured up or strived for in vain, yet a gift that is given by the hands of the One who loves us and calls us by name.

The One who, water he turned into wine, the One who opens the eyes of the blind… There’s no one like you… None like you…

“Joy is not an absence of struggle or sorrow, but the taste of the presence of God as he surprises us with his gracious love, whatever our circumstances.”

Man, that couldn't be more true. He surprises me again and again. Reminding me more and more that all that matters is I am His, I belong to Him, I am abba's child, and Abba is a Father who takes care of His children, His beloved, His treasures.

He continues to surprise me and find me in awe. A God who is not predictable but far exceeds our wildest imagination. One who leads us through the rugged terrain of a sun scorched desert and not away from but directly into the dangers and toils, who leads us to streams in the desert and who woos us, pursues us and continues to disarm us in the warmth and safety of His embrace, the One who often invites us to a journey we find most impossible to take, yet we know deep in our hearts, is the only way to true life and receiving more and more of Him.

"Is he safe?"
"No, he is not safe. But he is good."

This song has become another battlecry. It always helps me get my eyes off myself or my situation or whatever I am facing that day and shift the focus of my attention entirely to Him, who is here. Alive. Present. It helps me remember that our God IS greater, higher than any other, higher than my circumstances, and the things that so easily wear me down. He is greater, higher than any other.

Fighting for me and reminding me that this battle I show up to fight each day is not my own, but His.

Reminding me that I can trust in His unfailing love for me. That I can place my hope, my very being, in who He is and stand in awe and worship. Each time I hear this song on the radio, that I am not alone and I have an amazing, amazing God. The One we are blessed to call Father, our God, our God.

Our God - Chris Tomlin

Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There’s no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shine
Out of the ashes we rise
There’s no one like You
None like You

CHORUS
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

Into the darkness you shining
Out of the ashes we Rise
There’s no One like You
None like You.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

BRIDGE
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who can ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

Hope which was lost, now stands renewed...

"We love you Lord, we worship you...

You are our God, you alone are good"

My heart seemed to cry out with all that I am.

Singing these words tonight, I felt every fiber in my being shouting these words that have come from a heart that has been broken yet ransomed and redeemed.

Made alive. Fought for. Pursued. Chosen. And rescued by my Savior.

Yes,

"Let now the weak say I have strength
By the spirit of power that raised Christ from the dead
Let now the poor stand and confess
That my portion is Him and I'm more than blessed"

Everything within me leapt as I was able to sing these words that have become the reality of facing this battle day after day. everything within me was singing. For not only in my head, but also in my heart, my soul, my spirit, could I acknowledge with all that I am these words are not mere words on a page, but truths that have set me free.

:::

--I feel alive. My heart is alive, but my body is weak.

--I know I am being called to continue on this journey that I know will continue to break me and strip me, yet transform me.

--A move from self-discovery to God-discovery.

--Why am I here? Because I know that I have to learn how to live my life WITH this. This is just a part of my life now. I am figuring out how to do life nearly all over again.

--My soul has been drawn to fight, to not give up, to persevere, yet also embrace.

--What does it mean to fight this battle, while at the same time embracing this sickness and this journey that I hate with every fiber in my being, yet simultaneously treasure.

Treasure because of the God who is in this with me. The God who is my treasure, this One who calls me the Beloved and is fighting for me day in and day out, who has never left my side.

:::

I shared some of these things and more with our staff this morning at our first session of our retreat out here in Colorado.

Man, it is crazy how opposed this trip was for me. It never made sense for me to go. Yet I know coming was about so much more than attending a retreat and being encouraged by reconnecting with our team and our community, but in my heart, I knew it was a step God was asking me to take.

A step towards venturing with Him as we continue to travel through the unknown, that now this is the new “normal.” This is now reality. it is no longer in the short term. words like, well maybe you’ll be better in a few weeks, fall stale. Things may never feel what “normal” once was for me, my body may never feel that again. Normal could still mean recovered at one point, but even that would be a new normal to accept and transition into. This sickness has not backed down and has shown itself that its not going anywhere for a long time.

Yet my soul has been breaking free from the chains this sickness daily and humbly reminds me.

Breaking free and no longer bound by the limitations imposed on me now physically, yet free to dare to believe that one day there will be an end to these troubles... yet I can still cling and praise and rejoice the One who is in this with me.

My heart is alive, yet my body is weak.

From the moment Olivia and I pulled into the Drage parking lot early Wednesday morning to leave for Colorado, it has been one big “yes” you were meant to be here. It was 7:30 am, yet just being with one of my closest friends and having her as our first house guest the night before, and knowing she’d be there the whole trip, the minute we got out of the car to meet the rest of the crew, I felt You near. Giving me energy and life, opening my arms again to another day and risking, a journey I wasn’t sure was worth the risk.

Yet, God has encouraged and strengthened my heart and my hope from the minute we hopped in the car. I probably had the most fun I’ve ever had on a group trip out to Colorado with the six people I rode with in the Ingalls’ van. It was exactly what God knew I needed. Many times, we switch up cars throughout the trip across Kansas, as there were two other cars in our caravan, but I remember being surprised at myself, when I realized I secretly hoped we got to ride together the whole way.

We had such a blast and it was great to have moments of deep conversation, then moments we dozed off to sleep, then moments of joking, laughing, being goofy, then moments where even thought I was in a car with six other people, I felt totally alone with my Savior and able to experience intimacy with Him in ways my soul was longing for. I felt Him revealing and giving me perspective on so many things, as I realized how much has changed the last five months. Its like everything, even the little things I took for granted, are now all evidences of His beauty and His goodness, traces of His grace, and I stand in awe.

Through some of the books I was reading on the trip, I found Him meeting me in the pages, some things not even relating to the book, yet it was almost like I was able to make sense of what all of this has brought and means. Able to see that I am more than blessed. Able to see I am just grateful for life. grateful for the beauty I see in the gifts He has given me in the people and relationships He has allowed me to do life with. Just so many things He spoke to my heart on the 12 hour car ride that were slowly awakening my spirit from its slumber, slowly awakening my heart more and more to Him and the path He has before me.

Then, after those precious moments and revelations with God, I was energized even more just by having a family and a group of people I belong to and get to share life with. Fellow travelers, fellow wounded co-strugglers just trying to follow Him each day and love Him more than we did the day before.

Man, God you are good. Thank you for bringing me here. Thank you for meeting me and encouraging my heart in the ways you were speaking to me as I kept writing and processing this journey we’ve been on and countless other things. Thank you for encouraging me with this group of people and friends I’ve been able to see her. Thank you Father, for all I knew was you wanted me to come.

And I knew I’d find you waiting.

Thank you.

In all of this I’ve also been reminded of how true it is that “to be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to be in need of grace.”

That’s where I’m living, daily in that camp of moment by moment reliance on none other than my Savior, reminded nearly every minute of every day of the depth of my need for Him, face to face with the reality that I cannot do this nor will I have to do this alone, humbled, broken, and brought to my knees daily as I stand in awe again of the power of His redemption and His grace.

But this is not unique to my own situation. We all have our crosses to bear. We all have that cross that in just the very action or thought of beginning to pick it up, brings a maelstrom of emotions, we are reminded that our lives are not alone, and that once again, we are called, to come and die.

Come and die. Die that you may… live?

We ask, yet as we question we know it is true. It doesn’t seem to make sense. Yet we all know those crosses that nearly break our backs day in and day out are also the very instruments that are drawing us into deeper relationship with the God who loves us and who has died many more deaths, persecuted, betrayed, beaten, wounded, mocked, spit on, suffered, bled… that we may… live.

Come and die, this cross beckons me, as it allures me deeper into this desert and deeper into the heart of He who leads me and will never forsake me.

Causes more to be crucified in me, that I may find more life there in His presence.

I don’t have to know what this looks like. I don’t have to know where I am going.
I don’t have to have all the answers. I don’t have to be strong. I don’t have to not be afraid.

Because even though my flesh may fail, You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I am alive, not because of anything I have been able to muster, but simply because you are alive in me.

I shared even though these circumstances are hard. There are days when all that is within me is like this just sucks. There are days I lose hope. There are days I want to close off my heart to others or the work the Father is doing in my life though this, or the invitation I know He offers each day, to choose the path that yes will require me to continue to cling to my cross, yet a path where I encounter Him. The path where I fall on my knees, I fall on my pride. Everything continues to get stripped away, and I experience the love and the saving grace that He so freely gives.

I shared with my friends, yet I feel blessed. For everything I have ever uttered, written, spoke about God has been placed on the line and I’ve been called to stand on that faith and truly live out what I say it is I am living for. I have met the Lord.

Seen Him, experienced Him, found Him in ways I cannot begin to put into words.

Though it is hard, I can without reservation say, I am more than blessed. My heart can choose to say and truly mean, yes Lord blessed be your name.

You are near. You are present. You are alive. You are here.

At tonight’s LT service, the band followed up Jeff Warner’s talk about eternity, with my all time favorite Hillsong song, Savior King. The worship leader talked about how everything that was shared in the talk, about us living for eternity now and longing for that day when we see Him face to face, that we will declare then and now, yes, you are our king… We love you Lord, we worship you, You are our God, you alone are good…

Man. It was riveting.

Here’s my love song to You.

:::

Let now the weak say I have strength
By the spirit of power that raised Christ from the dead
Let now the poor stand and confess
That my portion is Him and I'm more than blessed

Let now our hearts burn with a flame
A fire consuming all for your Son's holy name
And with the heavens we declare
You are our king

We love you Lord, we worship you
You are our God, you alone are good

Let now your church shine as the bride
That you saw in your heart as you offered up your life
Let now the lost be welcomed home
By the saved and redeemed those adopted as your own

Let now our hearts burn with a flame
A fire consuming all for your Son's holy name
And with the heavens we declare
You are our king

We love you Lord, we worship you
You are our God, you alone are good
You asked your Son to carry this
The heavy cross our weight of sin

I love you Lord, I worship you
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king

Let now our hearts burn with a flame
A fire consuming all for your Son's holy name
And with the heavens we declare
You are our king

We love you Lord, we worship you
You are our God, you alone are good
You asked your Son to carry this
The heavy cross our weight of sin

I love you Lord, I worship you
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king

Come Undone, Part II

... But what is the truth?

This couldn’t be a more searing question. I asked myself this and mockingly at the same time laughed inside as I thought, like this is going to help anyway. It usually helps me but in crisis, no. acknowledging the truth isn’t going to help me feel any better…

Yet that afternoon, I experienced deep and profound healing… an experience where the truth truly did set me free. set me free from the “warehouse of worry” and the “prison of fear” as my beloved Brennan Manning says.

As I looked at my situation, yet began to acknowledge truth, I started writing down what is true:

-- I will not have to walk this alone, God you are always with me and will never and have never abandoned me.

-- That Lord, you are good. You love me with an unfailing love, your heart towards me is always good. You hurt to see me hurting, You see me, there is nothing that is going on that is beyond your care or your sight.

-- That God, you are stronger. You are stronger than any sickness, stronger than even death. You are with me and fighting for me. Your love is greater, Lord you are stronger than any other. You are the Healer, my precious Redeemer, my God, my God, to steal some of the lyrics from Chris Tomlin’s song, Our God.

-- That you are in this with me, and you will show me the way.

-- That while I don’t know much of what this looks like, I can cling to what I do know, and that is who you are. Your character, the goodness, beauty and grace that You are. You are faithful. Powerful. Unfailing. True.

-- That I can cling to you, my rock and my refuge, when everything around me feels like sinking sand.

-- That you are for me. That I can trust you. That I can experience life and peace and joy in you, even when it feels like everything is spiraling out of control.

-- That you are my Provider. You will continue to meet my needs out of the glorious riches of your tender love and mercy. You are Jehovah Jireh, may I look only to You….

And on and on it went. It was as if the Spirit was truly there, as the Lord says, to remind me of the truth, to remind me of who He says He is, to counsel me and instruct me, to be my helper and my advocate, my guide through it all.

I left feeling lighter. Like I had just broken free. I felt I had truly experienced what Jesus meant when he said, and you shall know the truth and it shall set you free.

This has been another part of the journey I have been on this semester and summer, learning how to acknowledge and process my emotions, yes, but giving more power to truth over my emotions, thoughts or feelings. Because many times due to my passion for counseling and recovery ministry, I truly enjoy identifying and becoming aware of our emotions...

Yet, to the point where sometimes my emotions can become my own truth. Where I can give more validity to how I FEEL over sometimes what is actually TRUE.

Yet I am growing on this journey of putting my emotions in a proper place, and clinging more tightly to truth.

Not in a way that doesn’t acknowledge feelings, but one that respects and allows time to process all the emotions, as emotions are neutral, they are not right or wrong, they just ARE… yet I found our emotions are critical to receiving and truly walking in the freedom of the truth.

For our emotions are indicators, helping us to gauge the reality of the condition of our souls. it is only after pulling out all the weeds, as my counselor says, of our emotions, that our heart is ready again to receive and plant truth in the innermost places.

:::

I was on my way home from where I’d been journaling and just wanted to find a place to cry and let it all out. The tears I had been fighting all day as I didn’t want to waste another emotion or let my health continue to affect me.

I was tired of this thing consuming my life. I had made a vow that morning just not to feel or care.

Yet once again, I was rescued from myself.

As I left to drive home, I realized I was being invited to trust. But I didn’t know where to even start or how to trust God with this.

I felt like the future was this unknown stretch before me that I couldn’t even make out a single detail of what it would look like. I felt stripped of all sight.

Which is when this song came on the radio. There it is again, that song that I heard the other day, I thought. Every single word spoke directly into my situation and the complete raw, broken and humbled state I had found myself in.



Come undone

Became words that enticed me yet also set more fear in motion. As the song continued, the cry of my heart became surrender.

I was coming undone and heard His gentle voice above the noise ask tenderly and almost timidly, “Will you trust me?”

It was then it hit me that trust truly is our gift back to God as Manning attests to in his prolific work, Ruthless Trust. All God desired was my trust. But it was so much more than that.

In that moment, I experienced the first parallel in my marriage where I could see the characteristics of God in an entirely new light as those words were spoken to my heart.

They reminded me of the tenderness and look in Ben’s eyes when he asks me the same thing. There could never be a more bold question. For in asking, do you trust me, will you trust me, is a risk.

You are placing in the other person’s hands the power to accept you or reject you. There is no worse feeling that knowing that someone doesn't trust you.

For as I realized through my relationship with Ben, when I say I trust him, I say I am relying on his character and what I have known to be true to be able to say, yes I trust you. Yet mistrust is one of the biggest blows we can face in relationship.

For if you say you don’t trust someone, there is a sting that comes in knowing there is something about their character you find incongruent. For the first time, I realized how trust truly is a gift.

When I say, yes I trust you to Ben and see the vulnerability and anticipation in his eyes as he waits for my answer, I see the confirmation that yes, I know you and believe you, yes I am choosing to rely on you for you are trustworthy, yes, I can place my confidence in you… for whatever it is that is being asked.

So, with the same amount of vulnerability and tenderness I see in Ben each time he risks and asks a question such as, can I hold you, can you hold me, will you trust me or do you trust me, I saw in my Savior’s eyes that day.

I could picture, just as if Ben had been an arrow pointing me to God and how He longs for my trust and desires to be loved, known and wanted even more abundantly than even my husband does by me.

I could picture my Savior there with me, looking deeply into my soul, with eyes filled with tears, waiting for me answer as the question lingered in the air,

Will you trust me?

The battle cry of this song continued to shake my soul as I desired to give back to God my trust. I was able to express freely I don’t know what this looks like, yet I will trust in You. For you are trustworthy. You have always taken care of me.

You are more mighty and more powerful. You know exactly what is going on with my body, and you are fulfilling your purposes for my life, not once this is all over, but now, today, in the midst of this battle.

Yes, I will trust you. Help me with my unbelief.

“To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to stand in the need of grace.”

Father, I need your grace. I need your grace and help every moment of every hour of each day.

Give me strength to take the next step. Bind my wandering heart to thee...

Free me from my own limited understanding. Let me come into a wide open space of Your limitless wisdom, power and might.

Help me to let go, let not the fear of the future steal the music of this present moment.

Be with me when I’m falling apart, coming undone

I don’t have to know what this looks like, but I can cling to that which I do now. That You, oh God, are loving, that You alone are God. That You alone are faithful, You alone are good.

:::

"Undone" by FFH

Open up wide, swallow down deep
No spoon full of sugar could make it sweet
The cancer inside stealing my sleep
Night after night it keeps haunting me

The secrets I keep
Are tearing me up inside
I try to hide and then I wonder why

Why I’m still running when I know there’s no escaping

Come undone, surrender is stronger
I don’t need to be the hero tonight
We all want love we all want honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price

Fall on my knees, fall on my pride
I’m tripping over all the times I’ve lied
I’m asking please, but I can see in your eyes
You don’t need tears for alibis

It’s true what they say
Love must be blind
It’s why You’re still standing by this sinner’s side

You’re still by my side when all the things I’ve done have left you bleeding

Chorus

I don’t think I can drive it home tonight
I don’t think I wanna be alone tonight

Chorus

Come Undone

Come undone, surrender is stronger
I don’t need to be the hero tonight
We all want love we all want honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price

:::

I have to admit I was pretty shocked when I found out this song was by FFH. It was nothing like anything else I have ever heard from them. In fact since hearing it on the radio several times this week, I had about five other guesses, FFH being nowhere on the list.

The light and fun, airy, pop Christian sound that traditional characterizes this band was replaced with something more grounded, deeply moving, seemingly coming from an entirely different place.

This gripping ballad has become my battle cry this week, coming on the radio in those moments I was most trying to hold it altogether, yet inwardly felt I was spiraling out of control.



Come Undone

These two words have haunted yet encouraged me in ways that are unexplainable. Called to me from out of the darkness, tenderly alluring me to see my Savior’s outstretched hand, inviting me to journey I knew would completely break me, yet transform me.

A journey of that which I cannot see even a single step before me, yet one where just enough footing is provided for the day.

I was even more surprised as I did research on their new album, curious as to what was behind this dramatic shift I was experiencing through their latest song. For a couple years in high school, I had the opportunity to host a Christian radio show on one of the local public radio stations and since that experience, I still have a love for Christian artists and the stories behind their music. This being no exception.

It didn’t take long in my search to find some of the answers to my questions:

“After taking a sabbatical in 2006, FFH front-man Jeromy Deibler and his wife Jennifer, also in the group, moved to South Africa where they spent six months training musicians and mentoring worship leaders at a small church south of Cape Town.

It was during that time Jeromy began to experience severe pain and unsettling symptoms throughout his body. Months after returning to the U.S. in the spring of 2007, Jeromy was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.”

I couldn’t believe it. Not only have I deeply resonated with the song, and every time I’ve heard it this week my heart and soul have cried out in a way that is hard to explain, yet I could not believe that we were facing some of the same things.

For the first month of being sick, Multiple Sclerosis along with a rare neurological disease called Guillan-Barre, were the two main diseases I was being tested for, as my symptoms nearly matched symptoms common to both diseases. While we still don’t have a diagnosis and I know our situations are completely different, I felt I understood why this song has been ministering to my heart so powerful.

These words were borne out of the desperation and sorrow and suffering of a battle that comes like a thief in the night...

When all of a sudden your world is turned upside down.

When every last shred of the illusion of control, the supposed predictability of life…

is stripped away.

Where there is nothing left, but to...

Come undone

Their story continues,

“The time away has been anything but routine,” says Jeromy. “Since our departure in 2006, Jennifer and I have moved to Africa and back, welcomed our second child, and dealt with my MS diagnosis.

We’ve been walking the wilderness in brokenness and joy, learning that the two coexist.

The waiting has been hard, but the Lord knew we needed a break to deal with some deeper issues, both physical and spiritual, that just couldn’t be dealt with while on the road.

We now feel like it’s time to renew our connection with our audience and start telling them about this chapter in our story.”

FFH’s latest project does just that, chronicling the ups and downs of their journey these last few years.

Songs like “Undone” talk about surrendering to God amidst seemingly impossible circumstances and lead radio single “What It Feels Like” is a humble acknowledgment of complete brokenness before God.”

:::

I was floored when I read this, yet grateful. That they were sharing from the brokenness of their experiences in a way that could connect with us all, as none of us are immune from brokenness, trial, and pain.

This has been another very difficult post to write, knowing doing so would require me to face God again and face reality, realities I have struggled and feared to embrace. This post comes on the heels of another emotional roller coaster, where the tears have subsided and the raw tenderness of my heart finally being able to begin to put it all into words.

Come undone

But I wanted to be in denial. I wanted to not let it affect me. I want desperately for it all to be over. For things to go back to “normal.”

Yet, again I'd hear,

Come undone.

These two words have been the invitation and the call I have wrestled with all week. I felt I was being asked to let go. To surrender. To allow myself to grieve. To allow myself to be broken.

I don’t have to know how to handle it or how to cope. Simply come. Come undone.

Feeling my soul being pulled in a million different directions, I left my appointment with the neurologist Wednesday feeling caught in a web of emotions. It seemed as if I was caught in a vast void between faith, trust and hope on one side and the other pole, doubt, disbelief and fear.

I desperately wanted to believe, to trust, to know things are moving in the right direction, but what if the doctors are wrong again. I felt myself literally in this tug of war for the rest of the day. It was hours before I returned home. I knew I needed to wrestle with what all of this means, just between me and God, before I could go on with my day or before I could even share all of this with Ben or any of my friends.

I didn’t know what to believe or what to think. My head was spinning and I don’t feel like I stopped reeling until well into the next day.

I felt trapped by hope. Stubbornly trying to guard myself from even more disappointment… Trying to wrap my mind around what all of this means.

Yet finding more and more questions, not answers, fueling the roaring lions of fear, anxiety and hopelessness raging within.

As I continued to pour my heart out to God and get out every emotion, fear and doubt stealing my peace that afternoon, I felt the tide of emotions would overwhelm me.

Then I came to ask myself a question my counselor always asks after sorting out all the feelings and beliefs associated with different events… but what is the truth?

[Continued in Come Undone, Part II]

a new song :: rejoice, part IV

[continued from part III]

Rejoice, is an interesting word. It contains so much. To rejoice doesn’t just mean when things are joyful, or when everything is going well, no rejoice is something we choose, something we choose to feel and therefore declare, that you are rejoicing in something, in someone.

Rejoice, has an object. In order to rejoice, there must be one in which to focus on.

"In all these things, we greatly rejoice..."

In who? In what?

Sometimes there are just times in life where rejoicing seems like a joke. Are you kidding me, this is horrible.

Yet I will trust in him, yet I will praise Him, we hear the psalmist and Job constantly share with us.

This passage came alive yesterday, through this conversation and time I spent processing and figuring out more what this looks like for me.

Rejoice in the Lord, Paul starts, then adds, always. When? Always. I will say it again, rejoice.

The only way we can always rejoice in the Lord is when we choose to look more to Him than our condition or circumstances. When we continue to focus on His love, His power and His might.

Knowing that we are not in control and cannot do anything to change our circumstances.

We surrender.

For we were even promised these words by our Savior himself, that in this world we WILL have trouble. But that He was pointing us to another alternative to navigate through those rough terrains.

The only possible way to always, in every season, in any circumstance, be able to rejoice at all times, is rejoicing in our Lord and Savior, nothing else.

Yet we cannot be mistaken, this is a hard, hard call. Easy in theory, yet painfully humbling in practice.

It calls for a death of many things. Our illusion of control, our pride, our ability to predict life and even God, our dependence on false gods, many things must be crucified, in order to find new life.

Rejoice. Just the word alone can be a jarring juxtaposition in the midst of whatever we’re facing.

But what I find most interesting is the context for Paul's extortions.

It is easy to rejoice in the things that are joyful. In the moments where we feel fully alive and God could not seem nearer. In the victories. In the good times. When life couldn’t get any better…

But what I find most intriguing, when Paul penned these words, he was in the midst of suffering. He wasn’t enjoying a life filled with roses and rainbows, he was in jail.

Yet his soul, his heart, could say, rejoice.

Then he continues, why should we rejoice again? Because the Lord is near.

This is such a powerful line. He is near. Sometimes, in the most difficult of circumstances, in the moments when we feel God is so far away, we find He is blessedly near.

Nearer than our very breath. The blessing in walking through hardship is it can forge a dependence on Him that is ultimately life-changing and healing.

So Paul urges us to let our gentleness be evident to all, to acknowledge that the Lord is with us, in us and around us. In those we encounter, in the trials we are facing, as well as the joys and the victories.

Then he acknowledges the weight of our situations, knowing that our lives are not simple but complex and full of joy and pain and says, do not be anxious about anything, but instead, in EVERY situation, not some, not a few, but every situation… pray and plead to God, and also give thanks to Him for who He is and all He has done, he says, present your requests to God.

He is listening.

Next, he says what will be the result and what will happen to our hearts through this, a critical thing here that also jumped out at me yesterday was Paul here reveals the blessing of prayer.

Prayer is our souls communing and communicating to God, but also God communicating and touching and healing our souls. Prayer is where He reveals Himself to us and He finds this far more important that just giving us all that we ask.

In prayer, as Paul shares here, we gain.

We come to KNOW Him more, our hearts are put at rest there as he says what our gift will be in return, we will receive the peace of God.

The holy spirit allows this strange peace, this peace we can feel even when everything is hitting the fan, a peace that as he attests to, transcends all understanding, is what we desperately need more than anything.

As he continues to say this peace, that comes only from God, will not so much deliver you from the fires of your situation or suffering, but this peace will GUARD you.

It will guard your heart and your mind, the two places where this battle is raging most intensely, it will protect those sacred places in the power of none but Jesus Christ, our Lord.

Let’s stop a minute again here.

It was the word guard that also stopped me dead in my tracks.

I realized it was what I desperately needed. My soul was in grave danger. My heart and my mind were in despair. While despair can lead us to deeper places that are necessary for our growth and healing, if we stay there, we get stuck.

There is no hope in despair. It is hard to see God. Hard to see or fathom a way or even a time where this will not be going on.

What I needed in those moments was for the peace of God to come and guard my heart and my mind, and shift my focus. Back onto Him and how He is going to lead and guide me as we walk through this together, as we continue to face the storms.

I realized the last two weeks I’ve been leaving my heart unguarded.

I have been misplacing my hope.

Sadly, I admitted that somewhere in the course of the last couple of weeks, my hope was not really in God as I might have liked to believe, but in the promise of feeling better. There's nothing wrong in hoping to feel better, but my hope first needed to be in the God who is above my circumstances, not just my situation changing.

As I also told my mentor yesterday, you know, the first eight weeks of this it wasn’t difficult to put my hope in God and not my circumstances changing. Or even the first two months. Three.

But it was like I was given a glimmer of hope, as things were improving with the new treatment plan and the last appointment ended with a confident, yup we think it will be about 6-8 more weeks till full recovery, but things are looking good.

Then yet again, that hope was stripped away. And I was left more devastated than before. Shocked and surprised.

So I find myself facing the same battle I did in the first few weeks of this, when I was finally able to embrace the situation and know that God’s glory would be revealed in this and His will be done.

That the purpose of my life is to glorify Him, to know Him, to fall more deeply in love and to become more like Him. And if that is what my life is about, then who I am to say how that purpose will be accomplished?

I knew i was not being punished, I knew God loved me and delights in me, and hurts to see me in pain, yet I also came to place where I came face to face with the reality that healthy or sick, my purpose is the same: the glorify Him and to know Him more, to be matured more in the likeness of His son and that for this particular season, He sees fit for that to happen with me being sick.

It changed everything.

And I am grateful yet again for this realignment. Grateful yesterday for having people in my life who are in love with the Lord, following Him and can help me see more of what God is leading and inviting me into through this. Thankful that I can’t and don’t have to do life alone.

That I can too, rejoice.

That I could too come to know more of what Paul meant when he says he had learned the secret of being content in any circumstance, in plenty and in want.

Paul had experience the goodness of the Lord, in every season, in every joy, triumph, trial and failure, his life was transformed by the immutable power of God. And an unfailing love in which daily, he could put his hope.

This passage came alive to me afresh yesterday and I pray the word continues to penetrate my heart and lead me deeper into His heart.

Father, You alone are lovely, You alone are good. I thank you that you have rescued us from the fickleness of our happiness or peace being tied to our circumstances. That you have rescued us from that and offer us another way, another glimpse of who you truly are.

That we can find peace and rest in your presence, in sunshine and in rain. In the moments we never want to end and the moments we hope to quickly forget, You are the same.

Your ways are higher, Your love is greater, You are better than any other. You are our healer, you are our God, our loving risen Savior.

“In this too, we greatly rejoice…”

Father, teach me each day what it means to find You, to grieve when the time to grieve, to celebrate when the time to celebrate, to laugh when the time to laugh, to cry when the time to cry. Teach me. Mold me and shape me.

Let me wrestle with this question and find You in it, let me come to You and let me ask What does it mean for me to rejoice, not in what happened a month ago, not in that highlight a few years ago, not in the last time I laughed so hard my side hurt, not in that time I spent with all of my best friends and loved ones, not in the moments where I felt healthy again, not in those times again, yet today.

Let me find you waiting as I seek You and ask, what does it look like for me to rejoice… today?

For you alone are God and you alone are good.

"Rejoice in the Lord, always. I will say it again: rejoice ... for He is near..."

a new song :: rejoice, part III

[continued from part II]

I shared with my mentor how I was recently struck by Job’s reply to his wife towards the beginning of the book of Job right after all of his livestock were attacked and taken away, then immediately following, all of their camels were swept away, and then moments later, when a messenger came to deliver more bad news, that he had now lost all of his children, they were now dead. Job fell to the ground worshiping after grieving and mourning, he said,

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb and naked I will depart.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”

After seeing how her husband continued to praise and not blame God for all of their losses, she says to him,

"Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!”

He replies,

“You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?”

As we talked about this, we discussed the fact that the purpose of Job’s life, his very existence, as we see in this powerful book, is to display how we are to cling to God and place our hope in Him, even in the most dire of circumstances.

How we are to walk through the fires of pain and suffering. Job is an example of how we can, despite our circumstances, hold on to the goodness of God.

His life was on display, entirely within the public eye and through his life and suffering, we find something strange.

Something unlikely, unexpected.

Instead of cursing God, he praises Him. Instead of spending all of his time grieving, while there is a time for that, he continually places his hope in the Lord. Against all odds.

Man, yesterday in this conversation I was convicted and encouraged. I felt like it was a fork in the road. Choosing how I will continue to fight this battle.

:::

Driving around after this conversation I was reminded of a quote that is so simple but profound,

“The same sun that melts butter, hardens clay.”

There is something unique and divine we find in the midst of our suffering. Through the fires we are sure to scorch us, we find as we pass through, just as He promised, we will not be burned.

Yet we have a choice. We can allow our circumstances to break us and mold us and shape us, ultimately strengthen us or we can allow ourselves to become bitter, hard-hearted.

There is something critical in the heart that is asked to look to Him in trials and not focus on the dire of our circumstances, something that happens as we look out and see the waters that are sure to overwhelm us, suddenly we find, they do not sweep us away.

It hit me that while there are a million unknowns and questions with continuing to walk through this, that one thing is for certain, I don’t know much, but as my mentor confirmed and challenged me, and as I came to realize, my chief responsibility in this is simple: to hold onto and to cling to the goodness of God.

To continue to place my hope in Him.

To find time each day to rejoice.

Yes, rejoice, in my glorious Lord and Savior, who is above all days, mighty and powerful.

Who alone knows exactly what is going on with my body, and knows how long this will be with me.

Who alone knows all that I am facing, and the treasures this is forging in my heart and soul, a place where only He can dwell.

A time to rejoice.

Not in a fake way or overly trite way of sticking our heads in the sand and failing to acknowledge the ups and downs of how difficult it is to face and persevere in trials, no a brutally honest approach that can say, you know what, this really sucks. This is really discouraging. Man I wish I was better. Man I wish life could get back to normal. It sucks not being able to live fully the lifestyle I was once able to live. I’m sad and I’m disappointed that I’m not getting better. Man, why can’t the doctors figure this thing out already?

One that acknowledges and processes all of those real emotions, yet a heart that also chooses to trust.

To remember the God who is with us. To find reason each day to rejoice...

[continued in part IV]

a new song :: rejoice, part II

[continued from part I]

It is often difficult for me to put into words what this battle emotionally and spiritually is like from day to day yet Dan Allender's words in The Healing Path captured it beautifully and resonated deeply with much of what this road has looked like for me, from a chapter called "Embracing Life":

"Waiting stirs the soul's deep struggle with hope.

We think it pleasant to hope, but in fact, nothing is more difficult than to hope.

Hope lifts up and gives us a view of how much ground must still be traveled on our journey. It allows us to see the horizon, usually far beyond our reach.

Oddly, hope both illumines what we most want to achieve and distances us from it.

If we run to the horizon, it recedes. Many run anyway, striving to fully comprehend, seeking an alternative to living with uncertainty...

We hate to wait. We hate to hope... But we cannot hope unless we learn to wait, and we cannot learn to wait if we have put God on our schedule...

Hope is not a comfortable companion on the journey because it seems to invite us to dream and to desire with even greater intensity.

As Katrina (he shares snippets of this woman's story) began to hope, her fears of disappointment grew even greater. For that reason she wanted a "quick fix," a step-by-step sure plan what would bring her the results she desired.

Notice, however, that God does not simply capitulate to our demands; rather, he satisfies our ultimate desire: to know him.

But even that fulfillment comes on his terms, according to his timetable, and for his own purposes.

God often traps us between our desire and our demands in order to satisfy our deepest humans with himself alone.

He will not lessen our hunger, nor will he feed us when his bread will be viewed as our rightful claim. He will be no one's butler, only our God.

Slowly but surely, God trapped Katrina in hope.

Even when she tried to abort her journey by running back into fear and deadness, God continued to allure her to wait, to keep her arms open for when he would arrive.

An embrace requires not only open arms, but a heart that is willing to linger with no immediate promise of satisfaction, where God neither answers our prayer for healing nor clearly illuminates a path away from fear.

God lets us wait--not to punish us, not because he has forgotten us, but because our waiting is the crucible he uses to purify our hope for him."

- The Healing Path, Dan Allender

:::

As we talked, I shared about how I felt I was in a battle trapped with hope. Hope seemed to rise and fall each day so much so I wondered why even dare hoping? We continued discussing those events, those markers where I felt like the old me again and how even though life looks like such a far cry from how I felt and was doing in those moments, that I felt it was too painful to even celebrate them.

They didn’t seem real. Celebrating the joy of those times seemed it would only increase the pain I was feeling emotionally and physically.

So I guess, I do need to rejoice in those times, I answered my mentor. I guess I do need to allow myself to still celebrate them.

And then the question came and the challenge that totally changed the trajectory of my day and this new season with this trial.

Embarking upon a journey I knew would continue to strip me, yet transform me.

“I want you to rejoice in those moments and not gloss over them, I think that would be a good place to start, but I’m wanting you to rejoice, TODAY. I’m wondering what will it take for you to rejoice, now, today?”

I sat there stunned for a moment.

My first thought was, are you serious? Did you really just say rejoice?

I just spent half an hour talking with you how I’m grieving now being on long term disability from my job, the tons of phone calls and emails with my employer, my church and my insurance company, all the things that didn’t seem real, it doesn’t seem like I am not able to work, or that I would need to be on medical leave for this long, then I shared with you how I was grieving that I had embraced it the first four weeks, then the next few, then the next, and now it’s been almost four months, and after clinging to the expectation and hope that I should be back to full recovery at the end of June, I was struggling to embrace it now.

I didn’t want to. I was done. I wanted everything to get back to normal.

As we had talked about how the future looks different now, yet it was hard to really plan for or predict more than a couple days at a time, let alone the fall or the school year.

Then, how I felt this huge letdown after the wedding because of this, not having anything to do with feeling letdown about anything else but that my health was supposed to improve. I didn’t picture this carrying over into this season too. I thought it was all behind us.

So, rejoice? Today?

But then, as I felt the spirit wrestling with my heart, it hit me and we talked about how really my call right now is to cling to the goodness of God. And in THAT I can rejoice.

I don't have to turn a blind eye and act like I enjoy being sick and rejoice in my circumstances, HOWEVER, I can rejoice in the God who is IN them with me.

Who is powerful, who is stronger, who is above all things, and who knows every step of the way I take...

The gears in my mind started racing.

Rejoice.

What would it look like for me to rejoice?

I realized that my attitude and discouragement the last few weeks was operating in the mindset that because those times where I felt normal and alive again, were so few in number and big events in my life, that things are only downhill from here.

I can’t even rejoice or fully celebrate my wedding because of how different life looks again. How life looked at the beginning of this sickness. I couldn’t accept the fact the last two weeks that I wasn’t getting better.

It didn’t seem right. Or fair.

When you’re sick, you eventually get better. Right? Not always. Yet, this didn’t make sense.

But there was so much more God had for me in these moments and in the last two days since this conversation, those few verses in Philippians 4 have been running through my mind at warp speed.

It is His call for me. To rejoice...

[continued in part III]