Hope which was lost, now stands renewed...

"We love you Lord, we worship you...

You are our God, you alone are good"

My heart seemed to cry out with all that I am.

Singing these words tonight, I felt every fiber in my being shouting these words that have come from a heart that has been broken yet ransomed and redeemed.

Made alive. Fought for. Pursued. Chosen. And rescued by my Savior.

Yes,

"Let now the weak say I have strength
By the spirit of power that raised Christ from the dead
Let now the poor stand and confess
That my portion is Him and I'm more than blessed"

Everything within me leapt as I was able to sing these words that have become the reality of facing this battle day after day. everything within me was singing. For not only in my head, but also in my heart, my soul, my spirit, could I acknowledge with all that I am these words are not mere words on a page, but truths that have set me free.

:::

--I feel alive. My heart is alive, but my body is weak.

--I know I am being called to continue on this journey that I know will continue to break me and strip me, yet transform me.

--A move from self-discovery to God-discovery.

--Why am I here? Because I know that I have to learn how to live my life WITH this. This is just a part of my life now. I am figuring out how to do life nearly all over again.

--My soul has been drawn to fight, to not give up, to persevere, yet also embrace.

--What does it mean to fight this battle, while at the same time embracing this sickness and this journey that I hate with every fiber in my being, yet simultaneously treasure.

Treasure because of the God who is in this with me. The God who is my treasure, this One who calls me the Beloved and is fighting for me day in and day out, who has never left my side.

:::

I shared some of these things and more with our staff this morning at our first session of our retreat out here in Colorado.

Man, it is crazy how opposed this trip was for me. It never made sense for me to go. Yet I know coming was about so much more than attending a retreat and being encouraged by reconnecting with our team and our community, but in my heart, I knew it was a step God was asking me to take.

A step towards venturing with Him as we continue to travel through the unknown, that now this is the new “normal.” This is now reality. it is no longer in the short term. words like, well maybe you’ll be better in a few weeks, fall stale. Things may never feel what “normal” once was for me, my body may never feel that again. Normal could still mean recovered at one point, but even that would be a new normal to accept and transition into. This sickness has not backed down and has shown itself that its not going anywhere for a long time.

Yet my soul has been breaking free from the chains this sickness daily and humbly reminds me.

Breaking free and no longer bound by the limitations imposed on me now physically, yet free to dare to believe that one day there will be an end to these troubles... yet I can still cling and praise and rejoice the One who is in this with me.

My heart is alive, yet my body is weak.

From the moment Olivia and I pulled into the Drage parking lot early Wednesday morning to leave for Colorado, it has been one big “yes” you were meant to be here. It was 7:30 am, yet just being with one of my closest friends and having her as our first house guest the night before, and knowing she’d be there the whole trip, the minute we got out of the car to meet the rest of the crew, I felt You near. Giving me energy and life, opening my arms again to another day and risking, a journey I wasn’t sure was worth the risk.

Yet, God has encouraged and strengthened my heart and my hope from the minute we hopped in the car. I probably had the most fun I’ve ever had on a group trip out to Colorado with the six people I rode with in the Ingalls’ van. It was exactly what God knew I needed. Many times, we switch up cars throughout the trip across Kansas, as there were two other cars in our caravan, but I remember being surprised at myself, when I realized I secretly hoped we got to ride together the whole way.

We had such a blast and it was great to have moments of deep conversation, then moments we dozed off to sleep, then moments of joking, laughing, being goofy, then moments where even thought I was in a car with six other people, I felt totally alone with my Savior and able to experience intimacy with Him in ways my soul was longing for. I felt Him revealing and giving me perspective on so many things, as I realized how much has changed the last five months. Its like everything, even the little things I took for granted, are now all evidences of His beauty and His goodness, traces of His grace, and I stand in awe.

Through some of the books I was reading on the trip, I found Him meeting me in the pages, some things not even relating to the book, yet it was almost like I was able to make sense of what all of this has brought and means. Able to see that I am more than blessed. Able to see I am just grateful for life. grateful for the beauty I see in the gifts He has given me in the people and relationships He has allowed me to do life with. Just so many things He spoke to my heart on the 12 hour car ride that were slowly awakening my spirit from its slumber, slowly awakening my heart more and more to Him and the path He has before me.

Then, after those precious moments and revelations with God, I was energized even more just by having a family and a group of people I belong to and get to share life with. Fellow travelers, fellow wounded co-strugglers just trying to follow Him each day and love Him more than we did the day before.

Man, God you are good. Thank you for bringing me here. Thank you for meeting me and encouraging my heart in the ways you were speaking to me as I kept writing and processing this journey we’ve been on and countless other things. Thank you for encouraging me with this group of people and friends I’ve been able to see her. Thank you Father, for all I knew was you wanted me to come.

And I knew I’d find you waiting.

Thank you.

In all of this I’ve also been reminded of how true it is that “to be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to be in need of grace.”

That’s where I’m living, daily in that camp of moment by moment reliance on none other than my Savior, reminded nearly every minute of every day of the depth of my need for Him, face to face with the reality that I cannot do this nor will I have to do this alone, humbled, broken, and brought to my knees daily as I stand in awe again of the power of His redemption and His grace.

But this is not unique to my own situation. We all have our crosses to bear. We all have that cross that in just the very action or thought of beginning to pick it up, brings a maelstrom of emotions, we are reminded that our lives are not alone, and that once again, we are called, to come and die.

Come and die. Die that you may… live?

We ask, yet as we question we know it is true. It doesn’t seem to make sense. Yet we all know those crosses that nearly break our backs day in and day out are also the very instruments that are drawing us into deeper relationship with the God who loves us and who has died many more deaths, persecuted, betrayed, beaten, wounded, mocked, spit on, suffered, bled… that we may… live.

Come and die, this cross beckons me, as it allures me deeper into this desert and deeper into the heart of He who leads me and will never forsake me.

Causes more to be crucified in me, that I may find more life there in His presence.

I don’t have to know what this looks like. I don’t have to know where I am going.
I don’t have to have all the answers. I don’t have to be strong. I don’t have to not be afraid.

Because even though my flesh may fail, You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I am alive, not because of anything I have been able to muster, but simply because you are alive in me.

I shared even though these circumstances are hard. There are days when all that is within me is like this just sucks. There are days I lose hope. There are days I want to close off my heart to others or the work the Father is doing in my life though this, or the invitation I know He offers each day, to choose the path that yes will require me to continue to cling to my cross, yet a path where I encounter Him. The path where I fall on my knees, I fall on my pride. Everything continues to get stripped away, and I experience the love and the saving grace that He so freely gives.

I shared with my friends, yet I feel blessed. For everything I have ever uttered, written, spoke about God has been placed on the line and I’ve been called to stand on that faith and truly live out what I say it is I am living for. I have met the Lord.

Seen Him, experienced Him, found Him in ways I cannot begin to put into words.

Though it is hard, I can without reservation say, I am more than blessed. My heart can choose to say and truly mean, yes Lord blessed be your name.

You are near. You are present. You are alive. You are here.

At tonight’s LT service, the band followed up Jeff Warner’s talk about eternity, with my all time favorite Hillsong song, Savior King. The worship leader talked about how everything that was shared in the talk, about us living for eternity now and longing for that day when we see Him face to face, that we will declare then and now, yes, you are our king… We love you Lord, we worship you, You are our God, you alone are good…

Man. It was riveting.

Here’s my love song to You.

:::

Let now the weak say I have strength
By the spirit of power that raised Christ from the dead
Let now the poor stand and confess
That my portion is Him and I'm more than blessed

Let now our hearts burn with a flame
A fire consuming all for your Son's holy name
And with the heavens we declare
You are our king

We love you Lord, we worship you
You are our God, you alone are good

Let now your church shine as the bride
That you saw in your heart as you offered up your life
Let now the lost be welcomed home
By the saved and redeemed those adopted as your own

Let now our hearts burn with a flame
A fire consuming all for your Son's holy name
And with the heavens we declare
You are our king

We love you Lord, we worship you
You are our God, you alone are good
You asked your Son to carry this
The heavy cross our weight of sin

I love you Lord, I worship you
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king

Let now our hearts burn with a flame
A fire consuming all for your Son's holy name
And with the heavens we declare
You are our king

We love you Lord, we worship you
You are our God, you alone are good
You asked your Son to carry this
The heavy cross our weight of sin

I love you Lord, I worship you
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king