Come Undone

Come undone, surrender is stronger
I don’t need to be the hero tonight
We all want love we all want honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price

:::

I have to admit I was pretty shocked when I found out this song was by FFH. It was nothing like anything else I have ever heard from them. In fact since hearing it on the radio several times this week, I had about five other guesses, FFH being nowhere on the list.

The light and fun, airy, pop Christian sound that traditional characterizes this band was replaced with something more grounded, deeply moving, seemingly coming from an entirely different place.

This gripping ballad has become my battle cry this week, coming on the radio in those moments I was most trying to hold it altogether, yet inwardly felt I was spiraling out of control.



Come Undone

These two words have haunted yet encouraged me in ways that are unexplainable. Called to me from out of the darkness, tenderly alluring me to see my Savior’s outstretched hand, inviting me to journey I knew would completely break me, yet transform me.

A journey of that which I cannot see even a single step before me, yet one where just enough footing is provided for the day.

I was even more surprised as I did research on their new album, curious as to what was behind this dramatic shift I was experiencing through their latest song. For a couple years in high school, I had the opportunity to host a Christian radio show on one of the local public radio stations and since that experience, I still have a love for Christian artists and the stories behind their music. This being no exception.

It didn’t take long in my search to find some of the answers to my questions:

“After taking a sabbatical in 2006, FFH front-man Jeromy Deibler and his wife Jennifer, also in the group, moved to South Africa where they spent six months training musicians and mentoring worship leaders at a small church south of Cape Town.

It was during that time Jeromy began to experience severe pain and unsettling symptoms throughout his body. Months after returning to the U.S. in the spring of 2007, Jeromy was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.”

I couldn’t believe it. Not only have I deeply resonated with the song, and every time I’ve heard it this week my heart and soul have cried out in a way that is hard to explain, yet I could not believe that we were facing some of the same things.

For the first month of being sick, Multiple Sclerosis along with a rare neurological disease called Guillan-Barre, were the two main diseases I was being tested for, as my symptoms nearly matched symptoms common to both diseases. While we still don’t have a diagnosis and I know our situations are completely different, I felt I understood why this song has been ministering to my heart so powerful.

These words were borne out of the desperation and sorrow and suffering of a battle that comes like a thief in the night...

When all of a sudden your world is turned upside down.

When every last shred of the illusion of control, the supposed predictability of life…

is stripped away.

Where there is nothing left, but to...

Come undone

Their story continues,

“The time away has been anything but routine,” says Jeromy. “Since our departure in 2006, Jennifer and I have moved to Africa and back, welcomed our second child, and dealt with my MS diagnosis.

We’ve been walking the wilderness in brokenness and joy, learning that the two coexist.

The waiting has been hard, but the Lord knew we needed a break to deal with some deeper issues, both physical and spiritual, that just couldn’t be dealt with while on the road.

We now feel like it’s time to renew our connection with our audience and start telling them about this chapter in our story.”

FFH’s latest project does just that, chronicling the ups and downs of their journey these last few years.

Songs like “Undone” talk about surrendering to God amidst seemingly impossible circumstances and lead radio single “What It Feels Like” is a humble acknowledgment of complete brokenness before God.”

:::

I was floored when I read this, yet grateful. That they were sharing from the brokenness of their experiences in a way that could connect with us all, as none of us are immune from brokenness, trial, and pain.

This has been another very difficult post to write, knowing doing so would require me to face God again and face reality, realities I have struggled and feared to embrace. This post comes on the heels of another emotional roller coaster, where the tears have subsided and the raw tenderness of my heart finally being able to begin to put it all into words.

Come undone

But I wanted to be in denial. I wanted to not let it affect me. I want desperately for it all to be over. For things to go back to “normal.”

Yet, again I'd hear,

Come undone.

These two words have been the invitation and the call I have wrestled with all week. I felt I was being asked to let go. To surrender. To allow myself to grieve. To allow myself to be broken.

I don’t have to know how to handle it or how to cope. Simply come. Come undone.

Feeling my soul being pulled in a million different directions, I left my appointment with the neurologist Wednesday feeling caught in a web of emotions. It seemed as if I was caught in a vast void between faith, trust and hope on one side and the other pole, doubt, disbelief and fear.

I desperately wanted to believe, to trust, to know things are moving in the right direction, but what if the doctors are wrong again. I felt myself literally in this tug of war for the rest of the day. It was hours before I returned home. I knew I needed to wrestle with what all of this means, just between me and God, before I could go on with my day or before I could even share all of this with Ben or any of my friends.

I didn’t know what to believe or what to think. My head was spinning and I don’t feel like I stopped reeling until well into the next day.

I felt trapped by hope. Stubbornly trying to guard myself from even more disappointment… Trying to wrap my mind around what all of this means.

Yet finding more and more questions, not answers, fueling the roaring lions of fear, anxiety and hopelessness raging within.

As I continued to pour my heart out to God and get out every emotion, fear and doubt stealing my peace that afternoon, I felt the tide of emotions would overwhelm me.

Then I came to ask myself a question my counselor always asks after sorting out all the feelings and beliefs associated with different events… but what is the truth?

[Continued in Come Undone, Part II]