Come Undone, Part II

... But what is the truth?

This couldn’t be a more searing question. I asked myself this and mockingly at the same time laughed inside as I thought, like this is going to help anyway. It usually helps me but in crisis, no. acknowledging the truth isn’t going to help me feel any better…

Yet that afternoon, I experienced deep and profound healing… an experience where the truth truly did set me free. set me free from the “warehouse of worry” and the “prison of fear” as my beloved Brennan Manning says.

As I looked at my situation, yet began to acknowledge truth, I started writing down what is true:

-- I will not have to walk this alone, God you are always with me and will never and have never abandoned me.

-- That Lord, you are good. You love me with an unfailing love, your heart towards me is always good. You hurt to see me hurting, You see me, there is nothing that is going on that is beyond your care or your sight.

-- That God, you are stronger. You are stronger than any sickness, stronger than even death. You are with me and fighting for me. Your love is greater, Lord you are stronger than any other. You are the Healer, my precious Redeemer, my God, my God, to steal some of the lyrics from Chris Tomlin’s song, Our God.

-- That you are in this with me, and you will show me the way.

-- That while I don’t know much of what this looks like, I can cling to what I do know, and that is who you are. Your character, the goodness, beauty and grace that You are. You are faithful. Powerful. Unfailing. True.

-- That I can cling to you, my rock and my refuge, when everything around me feels like sinking sand.

-- That you are for me. That I can trust you. That I can experience life and peace and joy in you, even when it feels like everything is spiraling out of control.

-- That you are my Provider. You will continue to meet my needs out of the glorious riches of your tender love and mercy. You are Jehovah Jireh, may I look only to You….

And on and on it went. It was as if the Spirit was truly there, as the Lord says, to remind me of the truth, to remind me of who He says He is, to counsel me and instruct me, to be my helper and my advocate, my guide through it all.

I left feeling lighter. Like I had just broken free. I felt I had truly experienced what Jesus meant when he said, and you shall know the truth and it shall set you free.

This has been another part of the journey I have been on this semester and summer, learning how to acknowledge and process my emotions, yes, but giving more power to truth over my emotions, thoughts or feelings. Because many times due to my passion for counseling and recovery ministry, I truly enjoy identifying and becoming aware of our emotions...

Yet, to the point where sometimes my emotions can become my own truth. Where I can give more validity to how I FEEL over sometimes what is actually TRUE.

Yet I am growing on this journey of putting my emotions in a proper place, and clinging more tightly to truth.

Not in a way that doesn’t acknowledge feelings, but one that respects and allows time to process all the emotions, as emotions are neutral, they are not right or wrong, they just ARE… yet I found our emotions are critical to receiving and truly walking in the freedom of the truth.

For our emotions are indicators, helping us to gauge the reality of the condition of our souls. it is only after pulling out all the weeds, as my counselor says, of our emotions, that our heart is ready again to receive and plant truth in the innermost places.

:::

I was on my way home from where I’d been journaling and just wanted to find a place to cry and let it all out. The tears I had been fighting all day as I didn’t want to waste another emotion or let my health continue to affect me.

I was tired of this thing consuming my life. I had made a vow that morning just not to feel or care.

Yet once again, I was rescued from myself.

As I left to drive home, I realized I was being invited to trust. But I didn’t know where to even start or how to trust God with this.

I felt like the future was this unknown stretch before me that I couldn’t even make out a single detail of what it would look like. I felt stripped of all sight.

Which is when this song came on the radio. There it is again, that song that I heard the other day, I thought. Every single word spoke directly into my situation and the complete raw, broken and humbled state I had found myself in.



Come undone

Became words that enticed me yet also set more fear in motion. As the song continued, the cry of my heart became surrender.

I was coming undone and heard His gentle voice above the noise ask tenderly and almost timidly, “Will you trust me?”

It was then it hit me that trust truly is our gift back to God as Manning attests to in his prolific work, Ruthless Trust. All God desired was my trust. But it was so much more than that.

In that moment, I experienced the first parallel in my marriage where I could see the characteristics of God in an entirely new light as those words were spoken to my heart.

They reminded me of the tenderness and look in Ben’s eyes when he asks me the same thing. There could never be a more bold question. For in asking, do you trust me, will you trust me, is a risk.

You are placing in the other person’s hands the power to accept you or reject you. There is no worse feeling that knowing that someone doesn't trust you.

For as I realized through my relationship with Ben, when I say I trust him, I say I am relying on his character and what I have known to be true to be able to say, yes I trust you. Yet mistrust is one of the biggest blows we can face in relationship.

For if you say you don’t trust someone, there is a sting that comes in knowing there is something about their character you find incongruent. For the first time, I realized how trust truly is a gift.

When I say, yes I trust you to Ben and see the vulnerability and anticipation in his eyes as he waits for my answer, I see the confirmation that yes, I know you and believe you, yes I am choosing to rely on you for you are trustworthy, yes, I can place my confidence in you… for whatever it is that is being asked.

So, with the same amount of vulnerability and tenderness I see in Ben each time he risks and asks a question such as, can I hold you, can you hold me, will you trust me or do you trust me, I saw in my Savior’s eyes that day.

I could picture, just as if Ben had been an arrow pointing me to God and how He longs for my trust and desires to be loved, known and wanted even more abundantly than even my husband does by me.

I could picture my Savior there with me, looking deeply into my soul, with eyes filled with tears, waiting for me answer as the question lingered in the air,

Will you trust me?

The battle cry of this song continued to shake my soul as I desired to give back to God my trust. I was able to express freely I don’t know what this looks like, yet I will trust in You. For you are trustworthy. You have always taken care of me.

You are more mighty and more powerful. You know exactly what is going on with my body, and you are fulfilling your purposes for my life, not once this is all over, but now, today, in the midst of this battle.

Yes, I will trust you. Help me with my unbelief.

“To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to stand in the need of grace.”

Father, I need your grace. I need your grace and help every moment of every hour of each day.

Give me strength to take the next step. Bind my wandering heart to thee...

Free me from my own limited understanding. Let me come into a wide open space of Your limitless wisdom, power and might.

Help me to let go, let not the fear of the future steal the music of this present moment.

Be with me when I’m falling apart, coming undone

I don’t have to know what this looks like, but I can cling to that which I do now. That You, oh God, are loving, that You alone are God. That You alone are faithful, You alone are good.

:::

"Undone" by FFH

Open up wide, swallow down deep
No spoon full of sugar could make it sweet
The cancer inside stealing my sleep
Night after night it keeps haunting me

The secrets I keep
Are tearing me up inside
I try to hide and then I wonder why

Why I’m still running when I know there’s no escaping

Come undone, surrender is stronger
I don’t need to be the hero tonight
We all want love we all want honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price

Fall on my knees, fall on my pride
I’m tripping over all the times I’ve lied
I’m asking please, but I can see in your eyes
You don’t need tears for alibis

It’s true what they say
Love must be blind
It’s why You’re still standing by this sinner’s side

You’re still by my side when all the things I’ve done have left you bleeding

Chorus

I don’t think I can drive it home tonight
I don’t think I wanna be alone tonight

Chorus