Part 6: "I think about it more than I forget..."

"...but I don't go 'round fire expectin' not to sweat..."

Continued from part 5...

That for them, there is literally no place called home.

I think what also shook me about walking through this situation last week and over the weekend is that sadly, these stories I hear have become the norm.

It doesn't mean I like that fact or am even all that okay with it, it is simply a reality I have had to accept.

In having worked in the social work world as well as the ministry world, I no longer view people the same.

I remember when this realization really solidified with me. When I realized we are all truly broken.

That brokenness is proper to the human condition, as someone has said. And that as humans, none of us are immune from the reality that sometimes, life is difficult. That sometimes, life just hurts.

I remember being a sophomore in college and HATING the fact that a new girl was joining our small group, my first small group experience that was paramount in my life, led by one of my best friends and mentors, Breck, and a bond that was formed between a group of 7 girls that I will never forget.

But, at this point, I could not believe that SHE was going to join our group. Little miss popular, the Rock's new “it” girl, who was gorgeous and beautiful beyond belief, fun, artsy, funny, had a huge group of friends, and was dating one of the leaders in the group, who was also a big deal.

It's rather funny now looking back at this, as this person is a woman I deeply respect and admire and I have been nothing but BLESSED to have lived and shared a lot of life with her and loved having as one of my good friends. But that is now, back to how it was back then. But I will never forget the conversation I had with Breck on why I didn't think it was fair that Melissa Molder would be joining our group.

I felt threatened by her, intimidated by her, her life is PERFECT, I remember exclaiming to Breck, I don't want to be around that... she's prettier, she's more well liked, she's got everything... I cried to Breck...

And Breck suggested something I would have never seen coming.

“I think you should talk with her.”

“WHAT?!” I exclaimed, thinking surely I didn't hear her right.

“No, I think you should talk to her about all this. And that you will be able to see that you and Melissa are really more alike than you may think. And that she wants to belong as much as you do. And that I think the two of you will really find common ground and see each other for who you really are.”

Well, to be honest, I didn't like that answer, but I followed up on Breck's advice anyway.

And that was when my illusions first began to fall. That I realized, things aren't always what they may appear to be on the outside.

I laugh even just writing this and looking back, because not only did God use that small group experience, both of our first small groups within the Rock... God brought us back together, three of the seven girls in that group, four years later, to be in a small group, of my some of my dearest friends, Maria Smith, Melissa (now) Worley, led by none other than our beloved Eva Ellingsworth.

It was funny because Eva didn't even know that the three of us had such a bond dating back to our first small group as freshman and sophomores with Breck.

Also interestingly enough, it felt like things were coming back full circle, as Breck and Eva are also really good friends, and Eva was one of a few women who chased after, pursued and led Breck to the Lord.

CRAZY, how God works!? At this point, Breck and her husband Brian had moved for Brian to attend seminary, and Eva was back for just a year to raise more support (she's a GCM missionary in Amsterdam).

And she picked the three of us girls as women she loved and was close to and wanted to pour into and do life with and have deeper community in her time here. We met every Sunday morning for breakfast at her house and went through a book study and hung out a number of times outside of that as a four-some. It was great!! Here's us girls below on Eva's porch, according to my facebook album, this was circa September 2006.

Pictured: (From left to right) Eva Ellingsworth, Maria Smith, Melissa Worley and Mazvita Lewton. Okay, so being as I am usually the only Mazvita around, I'm normally on a first name basis to just about everyone, but yes, I just had to type out my new last name :)

So I share all this to highlight the fact that I had so many misconceptions of Melissa that were not true. I felt like she had it all together and her life was pristine, perfect and untainted by pain and hardship, but boy was I wrong. Melissa, Maria, and I found soon in Breck's small group that we were not alone. That our childhoods didn't look like others may have experienced. And in that group, we found hope, we found healing, as Breck led us into deeper and more authentic relationship with one another and with God.

Where the walls first came tumbling down.

::

It forever changed as well as a moment working at the shelter, I shared earlier, where countless times I would be stunned at the woman I saw through the surveillance camera screen before I let her in, having to confirm she was who she really was, as sadly, many times abusers will try to feign they are visiting someone, disguise who they are and try to be let in to threaten or have their way with the victim they drove away, or even more disturbing, sometimes they will send another WOMAN, pretending to be her sister or her friend, and once she is let in, tries to wreak havoc on the woman fleeing and simply desiring safety.

So, once I would confirm them and let them in, I would literally be struck by their beauty.

I mean, I remember, it was a 19-year-old girl one time. A girl who if I had passed her walking through campus or downtown, I would've never known the reality and the depth of her pain. That the image I was seeing, of a girl, pretty and beautiful and seemingly having it all... was fighting a silence and sinister battle each and every day, alone.

I started seeing people differently and it's funny now when I'm coaching younger leaders in our church, and asking them, yeah how is it going with this girl, I know you've been spending more time with her, how's she doing, or how is it going with this guy...

And to hear so many of them say, “Oh, she's doing fine.”

No. sadly, I am no longer naïve enough to believe that everyone is really “okay,” based on what our students will see of their lives and how someone acts in canvas group or church once a week and deduce that because they SEEM to have it all together and doing fine... that that doesn't mean that is reality.

I know this sounds probably bad, but when I enter a new relationship, with a freshman girl or a student who has been in our ministry for years... I am waiting to find out what they are struggling with. Where are their wounds.

Because I know far too well, that we ALL have a story.

It doesn't mean everyone has to be falling apart or struggle with some “big” addiction, or some “huge” trauma from their past, but what it DOES mean, is refusing to take what you see at face value for truth. While many think delving into the past is a waste of time, the truth is, you don't know who you really are if you haven't taken an honest look at the roads you have traveled and how the different environments and upbringings have shaped you... how you view God, how you view others, how you operate in relationship... those patterns that were developed long ago, healthy or unhealthy, are lodged DEEP.

And those wounds are exactly where God wants to go, not away from them or the pain. Knowing that only properly addressing those wounds and acknowledging our need for healing allows us to break free from patterns and a life less than what God truly offers and wants us to experience, and that those barriers, shaped by our past that hinder our relationship with God and with others, are walls and chains that can be broken.

Because we ALL struggle. We ALL have challenges. We ALL have issues. And that one of my biggest desires and reasons for wanting to serve in the Church in this capacity is for the Church to be a place where it is okay to be hurting. A place where all of us, broken sinners, can find love and acceptance. Peace. A home. Hope and healing. And to know that we are not alone.

We all bear our own scars.

So sadly, because of this, in the last few years serving in this church, I have become accustomed to sharing my story nearly daily.

I've been grateful to have God have orchestrated many opportunities to counsel and walk with women who have also had a past of abuse. Or women who are dealing with eating disorders, which I also, by God's grace alone, have walked through and come out of, now nearly five years clean. Or those who are battling depression, a fight I also know all too well... to be continued...

Part 7: "I think about it more than I forget..."

"...but I don't go 'round fire expectin' not to sweat..."

Continued from part 6...

I've been grateful that God has orchestrated many opportunities to counsel and walk with women who have also had a past of abuse. Or women who are dealing with eating disorders, which I also, by God's grace alone, have walked through and come out of, now nearly five years clean. Or those who are battling depression, a fight I also know all too well...

But, because of that and because I have been able to meet and talk with people all day every day about some of the horrible things that have happened to them or the hardship they are dealing with even if there is nothing “big” in their past or life now that warrants that it is the cause of it...

That I couldn't understand why this situation was different.

Why have I been able to talk with and counsel COUNTLESS other women and been able to stay in that counselor mode, empathizing, yet separating my own self and past experiences from it...

But not this one. I think there were a lot of factors at bay.

It was a break and less people were in town that I would normally process with. As well as, although I am not the only one walking through the situation with those involved, as we have formed a team of peers, pastors, working on getting a counselor and psychiatrist, then there's me playing more of the advocate role, as well as assisting the pastors involved with pastoral care.... but because it WAS Thanksgiving break... as the week progressed, less and less of the supports were still here.

Because of that, a lot of the normal boundaries, as I have fought to set and maintain boundaries to prevent from co-dependency for their sake as well as mine and so others would not see ME as their rescuer but the LORD...

But due to the nature of what was needed, things had to look different, as it was an extenuating circumstance and certain basic needs needed to be met.

I realized I was overcome with fears on Saturday morning, that it would only be a matter of time before I failed this person too.

I picked up my tried and true, Search for Significance and realized that I was struggling that day in thinking my value came from my performance... or as Robert McGee so articulately describes in the book, that when we fall for Satan's deceptive formula, that our self-worth comes from our performance as well as the opinions or approval of others.... that performance can mean, as it did to me that day, as my own ability to meet someone else's standards, or to please them.

I had this sinking feeling of... well, this week I was able to “be there” for them, but that security is so unstable! To BASE my security... my worth, on the ability to please her or meet THEIR standards... is such a sham.

Because I will never win that battle.

Nor will I ever win the battle of wanting to make sure everyone in my life and everyone around me is happy. That they think highly of me. That they “approve” of me.

Here's what McGee has to say about this battle, to give this some context:

“One of the tragic implications of the Fall is that man lost his secure status with God and began to struggle with feelings of arrogance, inadequacy, and despair, valuing the opinion's of others more than the truth of God.

This robbed man of his true self-worth and put him on a continual, but fruitless search for significance through his success and the approval of others...

Since the Fall, man has often failed to turn to God for the truth about himself. Instead, he has looked to others to meet his inescapable need for self-worth.

'I am what others say I am,' he has reasoned. 'I will find my value in their opinions of me.'”

- Search for Significance, Robert S. McGee

OUCH. Man, every time I read those words it seems to jolt me back into realignment.

When I know I'm struggling with this, it is when I am giving more weight trying to figure out what others think of me and living in that land of instability where that curiosity is never resolved, nor satisfied... when I can choose to decide WHOSE voice and opinion REALLY matters...

To come to a place where I am brought to repentance. Of sorrowfully admitting to God that I HAVE cared more about what others think than what HE thinks and always says and feels about me.

To base my sense of worth on Him who determined it in the first place and to know that I am okay... that I am okay because GOD says I am okay. That I am enough because HE says I am enough.

Not just enough but delighted in, seen, known, pursued, cherished, loved, fought for, heard, received and that I matter. Words and opinions of the one true God, my lover and savior Jesus Christ.

Who already paid the price to win me back. Whose love never fails and whose grace I can depend on. My honor and worth depend on Him, and He calls me not just enough, but redeemed. Precious. Bought back. Ransomed and worth dying for.

I fought this battle again knee deep and had to accept and admit the truth, that I was also able to share with the person later that night...

That the truth is, (insert name here,) I WILL fail you.
The truth is, at some point, I WILL disappoint you.
There are sometimes you may get your feelings hurt. There may be sometimes you might not like me or what I have to say.

And the truth is, I cannot expect that I am never going to hurt you, because as much as I do love you and care for you and would not want to hurt you intentionally, the truth is, I am not perfect.

I am not God. I do not have all the answers. I am as broken and as messed up as anyone else.

I cannot live up to this standard of I will never fail or I will never hurt you or I will always have the right things to say. Because the truth is, I can't.

So I can't live in FEAR of those things because the truth is... at some point or another, those things WILL happen... to be continued...

Part 8: "I think about it more than I forget..."

"...but I don't go 'round fire expectin' not to sweat..."

Continued from part 7...

So I can't live in FEAR of those things because the truth is... at some point or another, those things WILL happen.

I love what one of my friends/mentor says... we always spend so much time worrying about disappointing this person or that person, or don't want to call to say we're going to be 10 minuets late, but not calling, we think we're avoiding disappointing someone... but when we are late, the truth is we may BE disappointed.

If we spend all our time and energy worrying about what will happen if this person is mad at us or if we've hurt this person, or disappointed someone... we wrestle with finding our value based on our ability to meet THEIR standards, or in others words... to please them.

Man, so getting to talk about my fears with this person and tell them the truth, that sometimes hurt, disappointment, frustration may occur in our relationship, but that it is OKAY. In fact, it's healthy.

I think I've found more peace in that health in the last few years setting tighter and tighter boundaries especially with counseling or mentoring relationships.

Because we aren't rescuers. And we have to allow the relationship to stay within what is healthy, appropriate and reasonable expectations. I explained to one girl last year who would be BEYOND upset with me when she would call and not always get to talk to me. Or text and it would maybe be hours or a day later till I responded.

I wasn't about to play her game. She wanted me to jump every time she said jump, and unfortunately, knowing my own unhealth and the ways I tried to manipulate people and situations in my past and even in my first few years at the Rock, to see if they REALLY loved me, to see if I was worth coming after or if I was still accepted when my life was a mess... so something I have had to learn is how to say no and even be willing to disappoint people.

I know it sounds crazy, but it brings me peace when I DO disappoint some of these girls.

When I now am OKAY with saying no at times. Because what is happening and what my desire is for them to not build a dependence on ME but on GOD. And if we answer every “SOS” or “crisis” call, we are setting not only ourselves up for failure but setting THEM up for failure as well.

But part of people pleasing in my past has been being the one who is "always available." So what I have come is to embrace is what happens when I am not always " available." Which has been a hard transition for me, mostly when I began a serious relationship last fall. I had to now balance and protect my time with Ben as well as have ministry also be a priority.

But I found that I worshipped the idol of "always" being available, or that the girls knew they could come to me at any time. So that had to be broken, and for the better, as we set a foundation in our dating life, much as we would have wanted for our marriage, that our relationship would be lived in the context of ministry and community, valuing both, but needing to be intentional to set boundaries on what is best for when, for whom.

It is interesting that when I was single, I felt I SHOULD always be able to meet up with girls or hang out in the dorms all night, because I didn't have a family or a husband to come home too, and I truly did love it, so why not? But this started changing for me when I started raising support and I learned the value of guarding my personal time, guarding time to take a sabbath, do things that recharge and refresh me, and the importance of ruthlessly guarding my time with God. I think some of this prepared me to enter ministry with a different mindset than I had before when I was serving and that it prepared me to know guarding time with my boyfriend/fiance/now husband, was important, and that it is God first, then family, i.e. my husband, THEN ministry/the church/others.

But we all don't like boundaries, as I've found time and time again, those in our midst don't really like them all that well. But even that is okay, because I feel like this is for their BEST interest. It may not be popular, but boundaries are healthy. We have to learn how to say no and we have to be okay with receiving a no.

It's almost like being a parent. Doing what you know is best and right for your child even when they do not like it or aren't able to see that the momentary pain they are experiencing in the long run, will be better for them in the end. That I am not doing these ladies a favor if I do “rescue” them in their every crisis or breakdown. This doesn't mean you don't respond or call or have them come meet you to talk when things are difficult, it's just setting a precedent of how you can be a part of their lives and a part of the solution, but not let them look to you solely as the solution.

I feel some of that could have come out wrong or sound like I'm a total jerk, but I'm going to trust we're mostly all familiar with what I'm talking about.

I am not doing these girls a favor if I have them look to me FIRST or ALWAYS when they are going down in flames, before looking to God. Sometimes, as I know from experience and even in the hardship of the last week... that loneliness and utter desperation sets the stage for an encounter with God we might have otherwise never experience.

There is a time to reach out, but there is also a time to reach in.

To be with the God who dwells within us, who is closer than our very breath and more near than we could ever imagine.

::

So, I found in working through all my insecurities especially with the situation, allowed me to experience freedom again. To share with this person, that I loved them deeply and of course I do not want to hurt them or let them down, but I'm okay with the fact that I could.

That my worth is not found in trying to be perfect, I told them. I WILL make mistakes, but that doesn't change the fact that I love you and I am all in in this battle and am fighting for you.

I believe you. I am still terribly upset that this happened to you. It was not okay.

And you are not alone....

In sharing all of that with them and processing through all of this with Ben, a small group discussion we had Saturday night during church where the topic that Bill picked, IRONICALLY, was people pleasing, then I got a chance on Monday to also work through some of this with my counselor and processing in conversations with God, I started experiencing a freedom again that is found in coming back to the fact that my worth is NOT found in my ability to keep all my relationships intact, or knowing I'm good with everyone in my life or knowing that I was able to really help this person know that they are not alone and that they are loved, essentially, that I was able to meet THEIR standards and am therefore accepted by them, for now... or found in having the approval of others or knowing how everyone really feels about me.

My worth was never meant to be found there. In people's opinions of me or what I do.

My worth cannot be found in such shifting sand, but is safe and secure in the only One who gets to speak into and determine my worth.

McGee has something to say about this as well, as he continues,

“Isn't it amazing that we turn to others who have a perspective as limited and darkened as our own to discover our self-worth?!?

Rather than relying on God's steady, uplifting reassurance of who we are, we depend on others who base our worth on our ability to meet their standards.

Because our performance and ability to please others so dominate our search for significance, we have difficulty recognizing the distinction between our real identity and the way we behave, a realization crucial to understanding our true worth.”

- Search for Significance, McGee

PREACH IT, is all I have to say about all that.

But this search DOESN'T have to be fruitless, it can start, begin and end right here with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, with our God the Father who so desperately wants us to experience life, TRUE life, a life of abundance, where we could look to Him and His word and cling to the fact that our value is not based on our behavior or the approval of others, but on what God's Word says is true about us.

That our self-worth is in Him.

My God in whom my identity, my security, my confidence, my hope, my strength, my peace, and my self-worth is found in HIM alone.

He is the only one who can determine my worth... as I have been reminded that these people or these situations or what this person could be thinking of me, or how this person may feel about me, or performing well in this area, or doing something good over here...

That these situations and these people do not have the ABILITY to add OR subtract from my worth.

While it is okay to feel those feelings, of hurt, insecurity, fear... as we all want to be accepted, known, liked... yet, do no longer have to completely rattle me to the bone.

My worth is SECURE. My value is in HIM. My security is safe.
My whole life is placed in His hands.
And there I am called free.

Free to walk with others through the storms and the fires of this world.
Free to walk, hand in hand, not going 'round fire expectin' not to sweat. But free to fight.

Free to fight for the souls of others, just as I have been ransomed, saved, redeemed and fought for in the Enemy's camp.
Free to walk though the waters rise and the fire grows hotter and hotter.

Clinging to the hope of the promise that is in Jesus Christ, that when we pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over us, when we walk through the fire, we will not be burned.

As we hear a gentle whisper rising from the ashes, a voice that says:

Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
You are not alone.
I will never leave you nor forsake you.
I am willing to go to hell and back just to save you.

I AM and WILL BE your security...

Be still... and know... that I am God.

immeasurably more :: soul-deep security

I PRAY THAT OUT OF HIS GLORIOUS RICHES he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory.

.:: EPHESIANS 3:16-21

OH, THE LIBERTY THAT IS RELEASED in our hearts when we let go of the opinions of others! The less we are mesmerized by human voices, the more we are able to hear the Divine Voice. The less we are manipulated by the expectations of others, the more we are open to the expectations of God.

.:: RICHARD FOSTER

::

Well, she managed to do it again. Beth Moore made me cry again. This time, tears of joy. Sheer joy. As I was overwhelmed with emotion at how faithful, how amazing, how beautiful and how powerful is, our God.

A joy borne in the depths of sorrow and turmoil, a joy emerging from the depths of a place where only He alone can go. Where He has sought me and called to me and pursued me, fought for me and led me into this place... where into the darkness, He shines.

I just read the last few words of her book here below, earlier this afternoon sitting on the porch enjoying this unseasonably warm November day, in shorts and a t-shirt, it was glorious. And just reading these words brought forth tears as they truly captured so much of what God has truly done:

“I'm about to shut my mouth," she starts, "but rest assured, God's is wide open.

He is calling you, beloved. He is summoning you to freedom. He is wooing you to joy. He's inviting you to live on purpose and spin around with childlike faith in the acute awareness of His love for you.

His hand is outstretched.

Take you dignity back no matter where you've been or what has happened to you. Hold on to your security for all you're worth. It is yours.

Nothing and no one can take it away from you.”

The LORD is your security. He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap.

.:: PROVERBS 3:26, NLT

- Excerpt from So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore

::

Wow.

After the shedding of many tears of celebration, awe and praise of my awesome and amazingly powerful Lord and Savior, I had to get some of all that was circulating within me out, as I jotted out some of my stream of consciousness into the pages of the book:

“You have given me a strength and a peace and a security I never knew was possible.
That I never knew I could truly have. In the big things or even in the small, every day ordinary battles.

I never knew this type of liberty was possible.

That You have and you are speaking and wooing and pursuing me...
That You have done more than I could ever have imagined...

I can't even measure it... but like Beth Moore confesses just a few pages before, this journey, her own process in writing the book and facing insecurity on nearly ever front, has made her a different woman. I feel the same.

You are changing me and doing so much more that I cannot even see.

Father, I thank You. Yes, I praise You. For You are so, so good.

I don't deserve You. I don't deserve Your love, I don't deserve all of this, but You freely, freely give.

And You have truly given me new life in the last few months, days, weeks.

A new way of seeing, living and being in this world.

Let the bones You have broken rejoice...

For You are so, so good.”

::

And I have to admit, as I've said several times before, I had very low expectations beginning this book. I was more excited about the leaders of this book study, than the book, as they were ladies I have seen but never gotten to know. And even in our first small group time, I was more excited about the connection between the 12 of us women..

This fall marks my fifth semester at Take T.W.O., Woodcrest's Thursday morning women's ministry, and I've been in a variety of book studies or bible studies, but have never had an experience like this one.

Like we are all legitimately now friends. I'm really excited to hang out with some of the women over Christmas break as we've all talked about things we want to do together, whether it's tackling cake pops, play dates with the kids or going out for coffee.

I love my mom friends as I call them. Lol. I had to ask one of the ladies to pick me up for group this week, as driving is difficult especially if I'm going to be somewhere more than an hour and a half, and Ben is at work till the middle of my class in the morning.

But even just last week, when one of the ladies felt HORRIBLE about arriving to my house late, she kept apologizing and I was like, GIRL, okay, I am always like 15-20 minute late AT LEAST, but I only have me to worry about, you have a 1 and 2 year-old to get ready and I feel bad having you come all the way and pick me up... and she starts laughing and realizes that I'm seriously not AT ALL concerned that we are late, and then I turn around and saw her children's darling little faces peering at me from the back seat and we instantly became buddies.

They were so precious.

And there is nothing I love more than being moms' little assistant. We get to Woodcrest and not to her surprise, her 1-year-old boy had gotten rid of his socks and shoes probably somewhere within the first five minutes or so of their drive, little ones don't like us cramping their style, who needs socks and shoes, anyway! So I go around the car to help get him ready, and start digging for socks on the floor of the van while she's helping her 2-year-old girl get ready, and she's like, “You look like you've done this before, sorry it's so messy.” No, it's not messy, it's normal!

I love it. It has been great being connected with a different group of ladies within Woodcrest. I have a lot of relationships with women on staff, most of them who have been in ministry 10, 20, 30 plus years, so women who are a little older, but my small group was of women mostly in their 30s, one in her 40s and one in her 50s, so it was definitely a different dynamic and women in a different stage of life from some of my mentors at Woodcrest and I've really enjoyed getting to know ALL of these women and have in my life, and be a part of theirs.

But, I probably would not have picked up or read this book entirely on my own. I love Beth Moore, but honestly, wasn't liking all of the book in the beginning, but this book I think serves a much different purpose, as she even admits in the last chapter that the book has been messy, but had she waited till she had fought and felt total freedom with her battle for security, etc, she says this book may have never been written.

But what makes this book so profound is the practicality of it. And her use of practical ways to know and believe biblical truths about who we really are as women, and how insecurity lurks its way into nearly every crevice of our lives, but that we are not powerless, in Him, we have strength.

My battles have not gone away and are not any easier, some are, and even being able to stop insecurity dead in its tracks before something becomes and issue has been freeing, but instead of being easier or less frequent, they are just easier to see coming and now I've been given more tools to fight.

Even this week, my security was tested and threatened... feeling horrible and knowing I hurt this girl, or that this person was upset with me about this, or now what is this person thinking of me, etc. etc. they went on and on.

I do not think it's coincidence that after three weeks of an intense battle and fight for security, and experiencing that new found security and freedom, that a week would follow where insecurity reared its ugly head into a few relationships in my life, sending me down this tailspin, the battle got ten times harder to fight.

Yet, in those battles something is different now. There is a freedom I have never fully been able to experience. To feel freer than I've ever been of being controlled by the opinions' of others. Where I could truly experience that yes, I can still say, what this person said or how this person made me feel, hurt me. But it no longer has to rob me of my security. Or have the ability to add or subtract from my self-worth. That my worth, my security and my identity are safe in Him.

And now, there is relief again. Peace. Security again. A security given to us by the hands of a loving Father and one that can never be taken away but one that is deeply rooted in Him.

A security that makes me want to shout,

"Yes, Lord, you truly ARE and WILL BE, our security.
Let us be still, and know that You are God."

::

This journey and this book and being in this with this group of women, all of these factors, has left me blown away.

Blown away and praising this INCREDIBLE God who did a work in the life of a woman named Beth Moore and now because of her fight and her journey, is being used by God to free countless of other women to reclaim and cherish this treasure we have in jars of clay. Him within us.

His power. His love. His strength. His grace. His light. His patience. His peace. His presence.

That we may find a security that cannot be taken away, but one hidden deep within us, hidden along with our hearts, which are hidden with God. Safe and secure.

That we may experience life as it was truly meant to be lived. Still, yes, in the midst of a raging battle and a society and culture that is brutal to our gender, struck down, but not destroyed.

And so, like dust, we rise.

We rise from these ashes with a strength and dignity given to us by wounds of our suffering Savior.

Who died that we may live.

Who for our sake, became nothing. Took the very nature of a servant, humbled Himself, that we may find, that as Chris Tomlin sings of,

“In you... there's life everlasting
In you... there's freedom for my soul
In you... there's joy, unending joy...

I will follow...”

Yes, Lord, I will follow... YOU.

What joy, what joy for those...

Okay, so this has been one of my latest jams since the band led us in this song a few weeks ago at church, during the first of a two-part series we did on "joy," focusing on the book of Philippians.

And, I'm warning you, this is one of those songs that is more like a ballad, one that you feel you can sing over and over and not grow tired of it. It gives voice to something I have not been able to find words for... that there is truly a joy and a peace that are indescribable...

This joy and peace I have been experiencing, one that surpasses understanding and one that many do not understand... but you know what, they don't have to. I can't understand or explain it all, all I know is it has come from Him.

As I said a few weeks ago, it is really hard when people feel sorry for me or give me sympathy... because I am BLESSED. Instead of having less, I feel I have more.

And some can look at me crazy, but I know I am not alone in this one. That there have been seasons and times where your circumstances and everything going on on the outside seems it is spiraling out of control... yet as you have probably also found, for those who are IN them, who are experiencing trials and pain and challenge and hardship and suffering, YES, but who are, as HE says, BLESSED are the poor, the weak... for they are experiencing a joy and a peace that is found on nothing but the supernatural. A joy and a peace and a strength that is beyond themselves and points to the power of a supernatural God.

They are experiencing the very PRESENCE of Christ, who is IN this WITH them. For we find, to the brokenhearted, He is truly near. Which alone brings peace, brings joy. A peace and a joy that He allows to lift our hearts, a joy and a peace we know is only possible THROUGH HIM.

Man, when we sang this song at church, and when the worship leader just let us continue to repeat this chorus again and again, it was the very Spirit of God moving in that place, as God was communing and dwelling with each of our hearts, of this joy, this peace, for those whose hope and confidence is in HIM... that no matter what we are going through, joy and peace is possible.

It does not mean turning a blind eye to the pain, struggle, or sorrow, but knowing that God embraces it all, the joy, the pain, the grief, the hope, the doubt, the despair... and longs to meet us there. This song has been written on my heart, that in my moments of joy or the dark moments of defeat, it reminds me, gets my eyes on Him. And that THROUGH Him, man, what joy... what peace... is possible... a joy and peace indescribable.

What an inspired piece of music and my new anthem, LOVE IT!

::

What joy, what joy for those whose hope is in the name of the Lord
What peace, what peace for those whose confidence is Him alone

- "What Joy (Psalm 46)" by Generation Church

Unite my heart

Just the word, “unite” seemed to leap off the page.

I feel I say that a lot but I don't know how else to describe it.

You know when you come across something new that you didn't see before or really notice in a passage you may have read several times... I LOVE those moments and revelations.

It is totally the Spirit, and not at ALL anything I can take credit for, for He alone brings revelation and makes His word alive in our hearts. His Spirit counsels, instructs us, while we are are awake and even when we are asleep.

Yesterday I could not get over that phrase, “unite my heart,” and several other phrases as I kept going back and forth between a couple different versions of Psalm 86:11.

I've been going through the One Year Bible, got it at my good friend Olivia's garage sale when she was raising money to spend nine months in Burkina Faso, and have really enjoyed going through it. Each day you read an old testament reading, a new testament reading, a psalm, and a proverb.

I started in a random place because I wanted to start in Job this summer, but every day I just read the next day instead of skipping to the November 21 one, so I could read all of the passages in order.

I've also really enjoyed it because I never own a Bible in the English Standard Version (ESV), so it has been interesting to read familiar or favorite passages and see them take on a newer and fuller meaning.

This passage was one of those examples.

So, I usually read the old testament reading for the day in the One Year Bible, in the ESV, then go to my little pocket bible, in Today's New International Version (TNIV), and read the same reading there.

Yesterday, psalm 85 was the psalm of the day, but I kept reading in my TNIV, as I had nearly every line of psalm 86 underlined.

Verse 11 captured my attention as it begins,

“Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness...”

And “faithfulness” was at the bottom of the page, I'd have to turn to read the rest of the verse.

I just let those words sink in before moving forward as they were so refreshing, like balm to my soul...

"Teach me YOUR way, Lord, I WANT to rely on your faithfulness. That is the desire of my heart, Lord, teach me," I cried as I felt I could resonate deeply with those words and that request.

So then, curious, I wanted to see what the ESV said about asking the Lord to teach us the way, so we may rely on His faithfulness...

And was again, floored.

In the ESV, the beginning of this verse reads,

“Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth...”

I was speechless again... I didn't know that phrase came from there!?

One thing my counselor always says and prays with me, is that I would continue walking in the freedom of the truth... words that have been so powerful and carried deep meaning in my life.

For the Enemy of our souls wants nothing more than for us to remain as slaves in captivity.

The LAST thing he wants is for us to know and find there is another way.

A way, a truth and a life. THE way, THE truth and THE life.

That where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

He does not want us to experience the fullness and abundance of life, of a life lived in Him, no the evil one wants us to remain as captives who will never break free... or walk in the freedom of the truth of God.

He wants us to trust in a lie, as Jeremiah keeps pleading with his people, as he tries to warn Israel to not trust in false prophets, who have deceived them and persuaded them to trust in a lie.

“For you have forgotten me and trust in false gods...” The Lord cries out in Jeremiah 13:25.

He just wants His people to know there is a better way. That they can place their trust in Him and not themselves. That there is a life outside of captivity. That there is freedom for their souls, if they would only. If they would only, turn away from their idols and look upon the only One who can truly save them.

But, going back to the verse... I loved how one version said “teach me... that I may rely on your faithfulness...” and another version says it slightly differently, "teach me... that I may walk in your truth...”

Hmmm. That is powerful.

Then, my eyes glance to a word and a phrase I don't think I have ever associated with this passage... in the ESV, the verse continues...

“Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth;
UNITE MY HEART... to fear your name.”

Wow. Unite my heart, why did the psalmist choose that word, “unite.” unite my heart.

Wow. What a powerful concept. Unite my heart because the psalmist is speaking to a reality we are all far too familiar with...

That our hearts are DIVIDED...

We want to do this, but we do another. We want to not say this, but we say it anyway. We want to think well of this person, but we feel this for them...

Our hearts are divided because the battle isn't just between us and our enemy out there, the battle is in our HEARTS... where our flesh wrestles with our godly desires... we are broken and sinful people, desperately in need of His never-ending grace day after day and given the strength and power to live according to how the Spirit, not the flesh desires...

Reading those words reminded me,

that our hearts need UNITED...

I just thought the use of that word, "unite," was so powerful.

You don't unite something that is already one. You unite something that is divided. That belongs together.

So that hit me. Then, I turn the page, now keep in mind, I have not read psalm 86 in a long, long time. But it was as if, the revelations above were based on something He may have stored away in my heart a while ago.

I was shocked once again, as I saw how the TNIV finished this verse.

My jaw nearly dropped as I turned the page and saw, after “Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness...” psalm 86:11 in the TNIV reads,

“Give me an UNDIVIDED HEART that I may fear your name.”

You have GOT to be joking.

Suddenly, there was so much more truth packed in this tiny verse than I first realized. In my heart, these words started churning:

"Unite my heart, so I can walk in the freedom of your truth and rely on your faithfulness instead of myself.

Teach me, YOUR way, Oh Lord, that I would fear your name...

So that in all things, I would know that You. Are. The. LORD. "

I wrote this verse our side by side with the first half of the TNIV part with the second half of the ESV and vice versa, just so I have this truth on hand, into two different versions but in a much fuller meaning, on hand at all times. I want those words written on my heart and emblazoned in my mind.

Yes, Lord, teach me your way, that I may rely on your faithfulness... unite my heart to fear your name.

(To fear you name, that I would know that YOU are the LORD...)

Yes, teach me your way, Lord, that I may walk in your truth... give me an undivided heart that I may fear your name.

To You be the honor and the glory forever and ever, Amen!

But still, like dust, we rise.

So I was reminded the other day how much I love Maya Angelou.

We rearranged our spare bedroom/guest room/office the other day and put in a couple more bookshelves from the garage and after Ben set them up, I was excited for my project for the night, of alphabetizing and organizing all the books into sections and digging out book after book from boxes that haven't been touched in months.

Sadly, as much as Ben and I both share a love for reading, we already filled up one of the really tall, 8 foot bookshelves that has been set up in our house since June, and I only had 2 boxes of my books in that one, and then his books filled up the rest. We think it's hilarious how on one shelf, we have the movies we own, all 7 we have to our name, but then 3 book cases full of books lol. (But, we're Netflix people, who needs to buy dvds, these days? Although I will say, the next two movies I will add to my personal collection, all of TWO dvds to my name, Invisible Children and Step Up 2... Inception and Step Up 3 will be my next purchases, without a doubt!)

Anyway, mom stopped by the other night while I had one of my girlfriends over to hang out and watch a movie and so I showed them the new setup in the room and my mom was like, I'm not surprised, you have always loved reading, yada yada yada... then she looks for the latest Maya Angelou book, Letters to my Daughters, and explains to my friend, why she named me after her (my middle name is Maya).

“I wanted my daughter to love to read and write, and during my entire pregnancy, I had happened to read all of Maya Angelou's books, so I was inspired and thought it was a beautiful name.”

Well, mom your wishes came true. Not only do I absolutely LOVE to read and write, but Maya is one of my favorite authors. I recited this poem with a couple other students in a Literature class in college and just thinking about her and the verses of one of my favorite poems of hers, “Still I Rise,” got me thinking about why those lines really speak to me.

There is a resiliency that we as women possess, some days I am just in awe and amazed. A strength and an ability God has given us to be able bounce back from whatever life throws at us, and find that we are made new.

Stronger, not struck down.

In a way that makes me see, live, in living color before me, that God, you are powerful. And mighty to save. As I see those of us, of all ages, races, backgrounds, situations... rising together from the ashes, emerging through the situations we felt were sure to kill us, as different women.

Stronger. Wiser. And more beautiful. Walking trophies, covered by a grace so free... And still, like dust, we rise.

::

"Still I Rise"
By Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise. I rise
I rise.