My girls!

The dance trio makes it's last appearance for a while, at Chris and Aimee Swift's wedding last month! It was so great to see Kate and Olivia! They both came in from STL.

Kate has been one of my best friends since we were literally 13, but we are notorious for not having any pictures together, because we're usually doing things together that either you wouldn't think to take pictures of, or, oh wait... too busy out on the dance floor doing pas de bourrees... (EMbarrassin') That's right, tradition lives on.

The Fourth Fox - More of Mazvita letting go...

And this is where it all began. Bringin' sexy back way back in the dark ages of '07, a few nights before Jenni moved in. (So I started writing a series of posts to catch up right before I left for Colorado last week, but ended up turning in at, you know the ripe hour of 4:30 am, since I had a full day of travel ahead. So let's continue, my goodbyes to Jenni and celebration of our friendship. This was written as I was in the most difficult part of grieving this goodbye and I wasn't able to post it until now when I was in a much different place. It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that I am largely an external processor and this is a part of my process of "letting go" and saying goodbye while at the same time being incredibly grateful!)

Well, really this is where it all began...

That's right, folks, none other than David's Bridal. I will never forget my first day of work and meeting Jenni.

So Jenni and I had a series of goodbyes, the final goodbye neither one of us was expecting to be as hard. But as I pulled a part from the last Jenni hug I would have in a long time and saw her eyes full of tears, I knew I had to get in the car and quick.

Jenni, who will always be Jenni the Fox to me, even though she has officially traded the last name “Fox” for “Rea” as she married a lovely man named Joel Rea, is now in Okinawa, Japan. Her husband, a marine, is now stationed there.

I would say it really began in a series of Chipotle and Starbucks dates (cause we'd always do that combination, I mean how can you resist a white mocha when it's right next door to both of the Chipotles in town)... I will never forget when a deep friendship truly began tho, outside Starbucks in Broadway Bluffs...

That conversation where we both realized we were lonely… but at the same time realized we both had a really good time with each other… we’d just laugh and the next minute be back to the depths of life and close to tears, as this photo above accurately represents our time together as best friends and roommates. This little household saw many laughs, many tears and many bonds of sisterhood...

This was right before I officially broke one of my cardinal rules, you’re NOT supposed to live with a best friend. I was always under the impression this would ruin a friendship. But I think because both of us were fearful of that, we communicated a lot about how to make sure that didn’t happen, and living together only strengthened our friendship.

In fact, as I walked out of her parent’s house last Saturday (June 27) as she walked me to the car to say goodbye, I realized we really were sisters in every sense of the word. And I truly had become, as all the family already called me, but I truly felt it in that moment, the fourth Fox girl.

Jenni was the sister I never had.

I say was because I know our relationship will always look different from this point forward. We were close sisters for these few moments in time, nothing will ever change that, but it won’t always be the reality we live in as it was in these last couple years.

In not only living together, but sharing the master bedroom in the lower level of our duplex, you come to know someone at a deeper level, nothing remains hidden, the good or the bad.

I realized that’s what it was. As I sat there with her, most of the family also in the kitchen, but we were in our own little world.

There was an intimacy between us that was real. That only comes in knowing someone truly and deeply. We did LIFE together, we were a part of the daily ins and outs of each others lives, we cried together, we laughed together. We challenged our walks with the Lord, we asked each other constantly what Jesus was doing in our lives, we spoke love and truth to one another, we reclaimed each other’s chosenness and reminded each other that we mattered, we fought, we made up, we loved on another.

I realized that was one of the most beautiful pictures of intimacy, an intimacy that is experienced and birthed in a series of experiences with each other.

But that’s just it.
That word, “with” kept sticking out to me.

The thing was, our goodbye, had taken place in stages. As the first three months of their marriage (Feb. to May) they spent apart while they both finished school and as Feb. was the only guaranteed time off Joel had before getting stationed overseas… her traveling two weekends a month began the process of her being absent. In our home and in my life.

Then after she graduated in May, she moved to California, where Joel was doing another training, and so we said our goodbyes then, thinking that was the last time I’d see her before she moved to Japan.

Then, the were able to come to St. Louis before being shipped out to the marine base, so we got to see each other a couple weekends ago!

After having only talked on the phone here and there and facebooking/emailing each other, seeing her in person again and picking up where we left off, I realized that was what I would miss the most… being WITH her.

And that’s were the grieving began later that night, and even as I fought away the tears on the 50 minute drive from her house in Imperial to Chesterfield where I was meeting Olivia at her church, and knowing I’d be meeting all of her friends there…

I realized that was the thing, we’d never be “with” each other in that way again. I have never felt more known by anyone, I remember her telling me at one of our first few goodbyes in May.

And I realized, as Joel and his sisters and Jenni’s family just watched us in amazement at the other side of the kitchen in our own little world, that there was something real and beautiful between us. Yet no one, except her husband, will ever know her in that way again, because she will never have roommates again. And that I realized, I desired to be have an intimacy that mirrors and surpasses that with future loved ones.

There was just such a tremendous freedom in our relationship.
We brought out a side of each other that others never truly got to see.

“I miss you guys, I miss all the laughter.”

Her mom said after Jenni and I had been giggling nonstop for the first 10 minutes I was there, yet talking in hushed voices so the rest of the room didn’t know all the secrets we were sharing that couldn’t have been shared over the phone or email in the last month and a half since we last saw each other in person.

I came to church that night and the message totally ripped my heart open… it was nearly everything I had been wrestling with on the drive to Windsor Crossing and I couldn’t believe it.

I realized that “with” that word is so limiting… because what is so hard about goodbyes is knowing you won’t be “with” that person like you once were.

And where does it end.

People are always moving. It doesn’t change the rest of our lives.
People are constantly coming and going from our lives, I found myself not knowing how many more “Jennis” I could stand to lose. But the message talked about a solution to this heartache of one who was once “with” us as well, but it wasn’t good enough. It WAS limiting. He could only be in one place at a time. So He died so that he could live not only “with” us, but “in” us. Forever. No goodbyes. No leaving. He is always with us. I’ll probably write more about the way this guy presented the gospel because it was powerful. But in my heartache that night and the fact I was just lamenting on the limits of the word “with” I couldn’t believe that the sermon was about that same word…

It was a sobering presentation of the gospel message yet deeply moving and comforting. In the response time, I could feel my tears betray me. Any moment and I would lose it. I finally swallowed my pride and even though I was supposed to meet a ton of Olivia’s friends and people in her young professionals home group and didn’t want to have a tear-stained face cause that always makes for a great first impression, I finally was like, you know what it really doesn’t matter.

The Lord had a lot he wanted to speak to me about and it was right then.

I went to the bathroom and just wept. Like cried so hard my chest hurt.
I felt like something inside of me was literally dying. And a part of me was. The part that came to life in that friendship.

I realized I was mourning. Grieving something precious that seemed to have just gotten ripped out of me. I couldn’t believe it was hitting me so hard. It wasn’t hard when she initially left “for real” in May, and I was actually encouraged that this last round of goodbyes with close girlfriends was so different from the last time, a testimony of the Lord bringing me to a deeper security in Him and a more deeply rooted identity in Him. I was surprised that while I had processed my feelings honestly there was still more “feeling” in there. I had known it was coming for months, yet there were greater depths Jesus wanted to take me to. And even as he just wanted to let me cry and get it all out. And knowing part of what made it so hard was both of us knew it was a pretty “final” goodbye. They won’t be able to come back for years.

I realized as I was driving away from her house that day how special that relationship was.
Things like that are only given by the Lord.
It’s one thing to know how much someone means to you and the impact they’ve had on their lives, how they have made you a better person, but to have someone feel irrevocably the same way.

And I realized that I always try to control goodbyes.
It always has to be on my terms. But that's not how life works.

But to see someone deeply affected and someone I know who does not cry very often, in tears when I left, reminded me that to her, I mattered too. and I mattered deeply and will always have a special place in her life and she has in mine. I am so blessed. And so grateful. And to think, it all started from a job we both took “randomly” and disliked several aspects of the work environment, yet we say the only good thing that came out of that seemingly “random” job when both of us were at crossroads in our life was… one of the best friends we’d ever had.

Here are some of my favorite moments and mostly big changes in her life the last couple years:

July 2008: Jenni leaves for Africa! A goodbye we had at Addisons with friends from her church, Christian Fellowship. Jenni spent two years straight outta high school working at an orphanage in Burkina Faso, West Africa. When I met Jenni she was just entering her second year of school even thought we're closer to the same age, but this time in Africa was more than worth it as it is a mission she was created for. It was really exciting to see her have the opportunity to go back last summer for a month to see her babies in Burkina! This experience has radically affected her life and she has a heart that is unreal because of how the Lord pierced her heart and taught her so much in that time.

October 2008: Surprise b-day for Jenni at our casa!

January 2009: Jenni gets engaged in December and prepares for a Valentine's Day wedding! Here's her shower/bachelorette party at our house, thrown by the fabulous Fox sisters!

February 14, 2009: Announcing Mr. and Mrs. Second Lieutenant Joel Rea!

They are super cute. And from the minute I met Joel when he came to visit over winter break, I knew he was perfect for my girl. He is an incredible man of God. AND a lot of fun. I also knew he was the one when we got into the car to go to Chipotle and he was blasting the new T.I. cd, which I had just purchased a couple days before and was in love with. We share a common love for T.I., I knew he was a keeper :)


February 14, 2009: Jenni's sisters and Joel's sisters were bridesmaids, so other close friends like Hope (another roommate) and myself helped out in other ways. I was her wedding coordinator and Hope was in charge of the receptions. Yes, plural.


And these are my beloved roommates, also another perfect representation of our experiences together lol. I LOVE these girls and will miss our times together in the Pimlico house. Hope moved three weeks ago for grad. school.


This is the face we woke up to. And her only bridezilla moment of the day haha.

ATT-T-I-TUDE! Can I just say I love this picture. To the left is Cheryl Fox, Jenni's second to oldest sister and to the right of Jenni is Jeanine Rea, Joel's sister who is my age. These girls are SO much fun, we had a blast the weekends of the showers and the wedding and family get togethers!


May 2009: Last night as roommates, none other than Flat Branch. Come on.

The next day... Jenni graduates! I have learned so much from this incredible woman of God and love and will miss her dearly. I am so blessed to have had the time we had together and to always have her as a part of my life. God is so good and I am so grateful for friendships like these He has given me over the years that are truly reflections of His love and His faithfulness. I know just as I am trusting the Lord to bring new women peer relationships into my life that He will provide for Jenni as she works to build new relationships and a new community within the other military wives and families on the base in Okinawa. The Lord is our Shepherd, He leads, guides and provides for His children.

"He gives and takes away... my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name..."

Who are the next Olivias?

This is what gets me excited.

Every time I get to be a part of “sending” someone, I always get glimpses back of where it all began, I remember meeting them for the first time, some of them 18 years old, alone on their own for the first time, just trying to figure things out. But then I also get chills about who the next “Olivias” will be that I have yet to meet. Some I will meet in about a month. The first time this thought came into my mind was last year when I turned the corner after saying goodbye and sending Jennifer Howard to England. I remember thinking back, still in disbelief it had been four years and that I was a part of that sort of commitment in someone’s life, when just a few years before, I felt I couldn’t commit to anything. Let alone, anyone. God has and continues to plow away at my heart and has given me a new heart, for which I am forever grateful each day. And as I look at these young women who have come in and out of my life, I see sheer evidence anew of his grace. For we loved only because we were first loved.

I've written about Olivia at length in my last prayer letter, so this will be mostly pictures, but the Lord has big plans for this special young woman. It is such a privilege and an honor to have been a part of her journey for her college years. I cannot wait to see the road ahead as she will spend the next nine months in Burkina Faso, West Africa serving in missions with SIM and an orphanage and school. I had an amazing weekend at her house a couple weeks ago, as I was able to help her out with a three-day missionary garage sale she had to raise funds for her trip. She is now officially going to Africa, she was at $12,000 out of the $15,000 she needed for her trip BEFORE the garage sales and I told her I thought she'd do at least four-grand between sales Friday, Saturday and Sunday. She had made $3000 by Saturday and was at full funding for the trip, and made an additional $1000 that following Wed. It was so amazing to see the Lord at work not only through Olivia's life and what will happen when she goes, but to see the ripple effect on the community around her, it was SO neat!

Olivia and I last month at the Swift wedding.

Olivia in Honduras. Her mission trips to Honduras as well as her experiences working with Granny's House, an organization serving inner city youth in Columbia, were experiences that birthed a desire to serve overseas in missions.

“We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our very lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.” 1 Thessalonians 2:8

And as I felt with Jennifer, bye bye little birdie, now it's your time to fly...

A woman of few words.

You're probably already wondering who this post is about.
But believe it or not this is how my friends would describe me.

Okay, seriously though, if you've spent more than five minutes with me or perused this blog... you know clearly this is NOT the case, but alas, there are actually those rare moments when this is the case.

Stranger things are known to have happened :)

When I can hardly write, you know things have taken on a whole new level of crazy…

Now coming up for air, I’m gonna play catchup.

For example, I have been trying (now given up?) to figure out the whirlwind of chaos that has been the last week and a half. Some things you just can't explain or understand. There are always ups and downs and not like this summer has been anything easy, but for whatever reason, it didn’t take long from after one of my most amazing weekends in a while, for the storms to hit. From that Sunday night until today was been a whirlwind. I had come home last Sunday and written like eight different blogs, all of which I have yet to post because things changed so dramatically so quickly after getting back.

And it’s seemed everything has been coming at me.

Last night, I just told God I was so confused. I was like, seriously? I was just getting to feeling better, things were just getting better… but it didn’t take long before all of a sudden I was back in the hole surrounded by darkness. Sunday had been a really hard day. Monday was great. Yesterday was another really hard one.

Tonight was the first night I actually got excited about going to Colorado. I tell you what, everything that could have been thrown at this trip has happened – to me personally, to nearly every single person on our staff team, to details like lodging, rides or flights out there… there hasn't been a single part that has been "easy."

We have staff retreat out there every summer, but I’m going a couple days early to have a BFF reunion with Angie! We haven’t seen each other in three years so it will be great to see her! We met in Colorado during my first GCM Leadership Training, LT 2004 and have been best friends since, keeping in touch on the phone, letters and annual visits back in the day, up until the last three year stretch! And not only has a lot been thrown at the staff up until tonight, but also in her life. Up until earlier tonight, I was under the impression that Angie wasn’t going to be able to come and had just planned on making my first few days out there personal retreat and a work day before staff retreat because of a recent death in her family and her having to travel last week unexpectedly and a whole slew of other events in her world last week… but she got a lot worked out and is still coming!

I was wondering when things would fall into place and when the excitement would come for going, strange how it seems to work like this many times, that we also get the things we think we need, not always when we think we need it, but when we need it. Peace out playas!

i cannot go alone

There are times when we literally feel like we're walking in the dark. When the darkness around us seems so heavy, it nearly envelops us like a heavy blanket; the opening nowhere to be found. We gasp for air and search for light. But relief is nowhere to be found.

The shadows tighten their icy grip on our lives and we wonder if things will ever be the same. Part of us realizes they will not and this is the reality in which we are faced, but struggle to understand and accept.

We attempt at life within the tensions. Fighting to survive in their unforgiving pull. We grieve; we're caught between life as we once knew and the new life suddenly being thrust upon us that we're now supposed to accept. But this new life is met with clenched fists. Hands tightly clinging to what was once true and real. Wary of the uncertainty of what receiving that which we do not trust or know may bring. As the unknown beckons us to come near and unwillingly pulls us forward, we cry out to our God and tell him, we cannot go alone. We cannot take another step save just enough light is provided and he promises to be with us. For we are alone and we are scared. He is our only hope as we travel in the dark, clinging to an unseen hand. Sure of nothing around us but our guide.

The following is from a daily devotional by Dale and Juanita Ryan of the National Association of Christian Recovery:

The Lord replied, 'My presence will go with you and I will give you rest.' Then Moses said to him, 'If your presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.' Exodus 33:14-15

"God promised to be with Moses and to provide him with rest. But no doubt other people had made promises to Moses that were like God's promise. People had promised to be with him but had later abandoned him. So, Moses' fears were not completely vanquished when God promised to be present and to provide rest.

We are like Moses. We are facing a difficult journey. If God goes on ahead and waits for us at the destination, we will never make it. We need God to make the journey with us. We will need God every day. If God does not come, it would better not to go. The dangers are too great. The pain, too overwhelming. We will surely lose our way unless God comes as our guide.

Moses' prayer to God is a good model for us. It is not a sign of doubt or faithlessness to pray for what we need, even if our needs are things which God has already promised to provide. Praying for what we need is good communication. If we are afraid that God will not be faithful, we can share this with God. God will not be shocked. God will not punish. God understands that our capacity for trust has been damaged.

Honestly communicating our fears to God, will build our capacity for trusting God's promises. God has promised to be present with us. And God has promised to provide rest. We will need both to survive the transitions and changes that come with recovery.

Thank you, Lord, for the promise of your presence today.
If you will not go with me, please don't send me.
Because I can't make it on my own.
The journey is a difficult one.
The path leads through deep valleys.
And, I am sure to lose my way without your presence to comfort and guide.
Help me to rest today in your promises.
Help me to rest in your loving presence.
Amen."

when everything’s made to be broken

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.

Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD,
for I hide myself in you.

Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.

For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.

:: psalm 143:8-12

- photo by lori mostellar

“We read so we know that we are not alone.”

The actor playing C.S. Lewis uttered these profound words in the film, Shadowlands, and they couldn’t make more sense to me.

I’ve always wondered why I like to read so much.

I don’t read because I want to know more or because I want a lot of knowledge or to keep up with the latest Christian or popular book trends or to get the latest quick fix or best help now.

I read for enjoyment.

And it doesn’t really matter if it’s a book most people would enjoy reading, for some reason I enjoy it.

A lady I had an appointment with this week, who is also one of the leaders in the recovery ministry I participated in as well as observed last semester put it this way...

She was describing how she was really excited about the opportunity to conduct teachings and trainings within their recovery ministry because she’s learning that in her job at the university and at church, she really loves training leaders to be more effective.

It just makes sense, she said, I mean I love to read… like a lot… and then I love to pass on and to share that information.

Me too, I exclaimed.

Then she was like yeah, I always thought it was weird when I took “spiritual pathways,” (a course all leaders have to take at their church to assess how they best connect with God, their spiritual pathway,) and mine was “knowledge and information.”

I was like, that doesn’t sound very “spiritual.”

We then discovered that is probably my biggest pathway. While I connect with God in several different ways, whether it’s outside in solitude, or being alone, writing, journaling or dancing, … reading seems to be one I am finding more and more is one of the biggest ways I connect with God. Either reading a book or the Bible.

Because someone asked me one day why I read the books I read.

Why don’t you read anything fun? They finally came out and asked.
And I realized by the look on their faces, they thought I was depriving myself of something known to people who read other books.

I was stunned for a moment as I tried to think of how to put it into words but all I could muster was, those books ARE fun to me. I couldn’t imagine that I would spend all of that time doing something I utterly didn’t enjoy. Or doing it to impress anyone. I was really trying to following the logic here. I think the assertion, as I later clarified, was that everything I read was “super-spiritual” so I must not approve or look down on other reading choices. I quickly told them that wasn’t the case, the books I read just happen to be what really speaks to my soul. I’ve found that life’s too short to waste on things that are not giving life to us. These books can be fact or fiction, religious or historical fiction, memoir or theology. I read a wide variety, it just so happens I read things in stages. I think because I didn’t start reading anything Christian until I came to college, the majority of the books I currently read are Christian, but simply because they interest me and are a huge part of my relationship with the Lord right now. But books that are non-Christian speak to me tremendously and are incredibly life-giving to my soul, as all of the books that forged my love for reading and writing came before I was in college, thus before I read anything labeled "Christian."

But it came down to the fact that while I was feeling weird or abnormal for enjoying those books, I realized it wasn’t weird at all. I love how Rob Bell starts off one of his Nooma videos about identity with something he counselor majorly called him out on. (Yes, he sees a counselor and I love how he put it in the video, moving on…) He would ask his counselor, “Is it normal to for people to…” And his counselor would stop him. He would try again, “I mean is it normal for people to think…” And his counselor would stop him again. Then his counselor finally asked Rob, “Is it normal… for who?” We’re here to talk about you.

That’s just the thing and this is my soapbox for how my love for reading and writing has often been a huge insecurity and something I thought I should hide because it wasn’t “normal.” Or no one likes to read that much, you must be weird. But more and more, I’m finding, that IS me, and that’s okay. It might not be fun for other people, but for whatever reason, I absolutely enjoy learning and reading new ideas, as it inspires me and opens up my horizons. Yes, I’m a dreamer. It’s a blessing and a curse lol.

I read for pleasure. And I when I read, I feel I gain new companions and mentors through the authors and connect with their “voice” in a way that makes me feel less alone.

These books are refreshing to me. While also challenging and stimulating. But there are days when I long for nothing more than to take whatever stack of books I happen to be reading a chapter here or there in, and curl up in a coffee shop for the whole afternoon. or sit outside Starbucks downtown as a lot of people have caught me in the act and in my own little world.

Today was no different, I got Nancy Beach’s book Gifted to Lead at "Created," a conference I attended in May, after I was read an excerpt in that book that was the beginning of a new journey for me. I started actually reading past the intro today and suddenly felt less and less alone.

Part of why this retreat was so empowering was it was geared towards young female leaders “emerging in the church” by women who have “emerged” and are truly breaking ground in their churches and devote a significant portion of their ministry to the development and empowerment of young women seeking to lead well in the church. As Nancy puts it, “I dedicate my efforts especially to the next generation of women leaders and teachers as they seek to forge their identities as women who long to fully express their gifts in the local church and to reach the full potential of all God designed them to be.

May this book encourage you on your path and let you know that others who have gone before you do “get it” and cheer you on from the grandstands.”

That’s exactly it, “we read so we know that we are not alone.”

This is a subject and an issue that I can freely discuss with those in my life who truly “get it.” and truly “get it” because it is a journey and path they too have traveled, a journey that Nancy devotes this book to “the art of leading as a woman in the church.” It is a very unique journey, and before this last year, I hadn’t met women truly empowered and serving in their full potential as vocational staff in a church, to know that journey and some of the roads they’ve traveled was a similar journey God was inviting me to as well, and that it wasn’t just some ridiculous dream, but a reality.

This is why I love reading. Not only do I love reading and processing and sharing and teaching truths I’ve learned, but I love the new friends and mentors I’ve met in these books. They challenging me to think beyond my horizons and to ask God for big things and they're challenging me to grow and allow God to make into the person I'm becoming.

These authors are people who remind us that we’re not alone and invite us to dream, of a world less imagined and more real than we could have dreamed.