Thinking with Makoto: Beauty Without Regret

“The layers of azurite pigments, spread over paper as I let the granular pigments cascade. My eyes see much more than what my mind can organize. As the light becomes trapped within pigments, a "grace arena" is created, as the light is broken, and trapped in refraction. Yet, my gestures are limited, contained, and gravity pulls the pigments like a kind friend.

Every beauty suffers. A research scientist friend once told me that the autumn leaves are most beautiful on the trees by the roadside because they happen to be distressed by the salt and pollution. Every sunset is a reminder of the impending death of Nature herself. The minerals I use must be pulverized to bring out their beauty. The Japanese were right in associating beauty with death.

Art cannot be divorced from faith, for to do so is to literally close our eyes to that beauty of the dying sun setting all around us. Death spreads all over our lives and therefore faith must be given to see through the darkness, to see through the beauty of "the valley of the shadow of death".

Prayers are given, too, in the layers of broken, pulverized pigments. Beauty is in the brokenness, not in what we can conceive as the perfections, not in the "finished" images but in the incomplete gestures. Now, I await for my paintings to reveal themselves. Perhaps I will find myself rising through the ashes, through the beauty of such broken limitations.”

- Makoto Fujimura

*essay and painting by Makoto Fujimura

idols

you will never satisfy.
you can never give me what I truly want.

let me run to the only one who can.

“an idol promises everything and delivers nothing.” – beth moore

“I keep running after broken cisterns that never satisfy.”

America's Best Dance Crew

LOVE them!

God knows our courage is limited.

These words brought so much relief to my soul.

From my NACR devotional a few days ago:

Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid. Mark 16:8

"The most reliable early manuscripts of the Gospel of Mark end with this verse. Mark's version of the Good News ends with this very high drama. Just at the point in the story where we might have expected to find rejoicing, we find fear. The women are afraid. Just at the point where we might have expected confidence, we find uncertainty. The women are bewildered. What a remarkable thing that the people chosen by God to be the first messengers of the Good News were too frightened and bewildered to speak! God chose to entrust the future of the Kingdom to people with limited courage.

God knows our courage is limited. He knows that fear can immobilize us. God does not shame us for being afraid. God has trusted people with this kind of limit in the past. God does not need us to have unshakable faith.

The women in this text did eventually speak. Courage was granted to them. Fears faced without shame will lose their power to immobilize us. God knows that fear is part of our human condition. Our fears do not keep God from entrusting us to be message bearers of Good News.

Thank you, Lord,
for entrusting the Kingdom
to the tired and traumatized.
Thank you for accepting me
and my limited courage.
Help me today to accept my limits, Lord.
Help me to give my fears to you. Amen."


Like I said, those words spoke LIFE into me... I mean...

God knows our courage is limited.

That was so powerful for me to realize. It is okay to be weak. I don't have to be strong. He is strong. Therefore, I am allowed to be weak and have Him be my strength.

And the best part about it, He already knows how weak I am. And, I love the part about God not shaming us because we are afraid and that He does not need us to have an unshakable faith. We're called to come as we are...

He already knows...

I have probably lived in more fear and chaos in the last few weeks off and on since I’ve start recovery than in a very long time

And it’s been really hard for me to get out there and raise support when I’ve felt immobilized by my fears and feelings of inadequacy stemming from my past.

It has been a time of deep healing and things have happened that caused me to take a break even from the internet and my blog because they cannot be shared except to those around me who have been a tremendous support in this journey. But I was really starting to feel like a failure in my job because I couldn’t bring myself out of the pit. I felt stuck and I lacked the courage I once had.

God knows our courage is limited.

Me and God have grown especially close in the last few weeks and I’ve been able to ask Him to speak into my situation and my life in ways I never thought I’d need. He did things today that I’ve been praying about for a while, restored my courage so I could get back out there and face the battles ahead. I only have to take it one day at a time.

God knows my courage is limited. I tried to make the most out of it today and took as much opportunity as I could.

He carried me.
The lord provides.
He is never late.
He is never forgetful.
He is more intimately aware of our situations and our needs and our fears and the things that hold us back then we are.

He is on our side.
He fights our fears and fights to give us courage to get back on our feet.
He is my Deliverer.

Best night ever.

This is totally how God works.
I find it funny how the best “witness” to my brother, (even though I hate that term) is someone who is not a Christian...

So, my brother and I have been hanging out more regularly lately, really in these last 4-6 months since he has started calling me.

I’m having the relationship with him I have always wanted with him.

Now instead of me always calling and wanting to do something, if 2-3 weeks go by and we haven’t hung out or talked or texted, he starts asking what’s up.

And he’s been in a period where he’s really wanting to find his place.

Today, I texted to see if he wanted to grab lunch. He doesn’t text back till after 4 or so and says, maybe dinner.

He’s very non-committal. I didn’t really know what that meant and texted back, yeah when/where.

Don’t hear from him so I start considering my other options. Jenni wasn’t going to be back from St. Louis till late. Some of my friends were going to a wheelchair basketball game with Nia and Chris, Thai food before with Leah and Banana. Nothing really grabbed me.

After dance I ended up going to the post office and went to my secret Starbucks to read for a few minutes, just picked up C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves again.

I texted Chip to see if he wanted to grab dinner at The Berg. Then two minutes later my brother calls me back. He wanted to see if I was still free. Of course, yeah. And I was just thinking, I’d go eat with my brother since I knew he’d probably have plans later and then I can catch up with Chip later in the night. Then, I’m thinking, wait, since I overbooked and now have plans with both, let’s just ALL go eat.

My brother was like, are you serious? I don’t want to be the third wheel. And I’m like, dude, he is one of my best guy friends and he’s got a girlfriend, you are NOT gonna be the third wheel!

Keep in mind, I have been wanting the two of them to connect since I first met Chip.

And it just totally happened that they have a lot more in common than I thought, they have mutual friends, nearly the same major and the biggest thing is, Chip totally gets where my brother is at and is able to speak to him from a completely different place, it is beautiful.

Chip brought up how he hadn’t seen Drage in a couple weeks or so and then mentioned to my brother, he doesn’t go to church but hangs out with a few peeps like me and the pastor. And then my brother kinda warms up a little more.

Chip mentions some more about the Tough Questions group that he leads with some other students and John Drage and explains what it is… all of the language he was using, like it’s a place where different people of different views can come and respectfully listen to other people’s views on how the world works, on spirituality, etc.

And my brother starts chiming in.

THEN, we get our food and start talking about something else and inside I’m already glad they got to talk about that stuff and was thinking in the car my brother would think I put chip up to this, but especially Chip not being a Christian, my brother could see I wasn’t trying to get him in some “little club” or trying to convert him or anything, so then he switches subjects and brings it back to Chip.

So when did you stop going to church?
You could tell he was really responding to Chip and wanted to know more.

I could not believe it.

And they have more in common than I thought.

And it was cool to see my brother in that context.

I was the one more uptight than anything on inside secretly worrying my brother wouldn’t connect. He’s not that outgoing, but the minute Chip got in the car I could tell my brother liked him.

Lord, you are amazing.

And my brother was asking from a place of utter curiosity and wanting to know. Little did he know that a lot of Chip’s reasons and frustrations with Christianity and the Church were the same things my brothers has felt for a long time but never had the courage to voice.

It was AWESOME!

I just kinda wished I wasn’t there for a minute so they could just talk, but it was so cool to see my brother really respond to Chip.

I am just still so taken aback.

The person who has probably had the biggest influence and really awakened my brother was a non-Christian.

This should come as no surprise though. And I loved how Chip could explain his journey, there was no bitterness towards the Church or Christians, but he was just simply offering the love and acceptance he offers and allowing my brother permission to feel how he was feeling for once.

I feel like I saw a completely other side of my brother, but in a good way. To see the wheels turning and to hear him interact with one of his peers about real issues, since the only times I’ve been around my brother and guys his age were guys he played soccer or football with over the years.

It was amazing.

All I can do is give thanks to God.

I came home and got to just relay the whole story to Jenni.

A-mazing.

And I’m learning I have a lot to learn about how to be in relationship with people. Like outside of planning coffee dates or meeting up for lunch or dinner or having someone over for tea. Because I am a very structured person and I am always afraid of people getting tired of me, I am very scheduled when it comes to seeing the people I want to see just friends, cause obviously with mentoring relationships or support appts. schedule meetings works best. But I am learning how to just let relationships breathe and evolve and how to just hang out, even with girls I've mentored/mentoring. And my brother was like what are you doing this weekend. And he's really reaching out to mom. He goes to "check" on her about once a week and talks to her. She's so lonely he said... God is really doing something. I still can't see it and don't have to be able to, but it is AWESOME!

My roommates who both grew up in big families are teaching me just from living, what it means to live in community… especially Jenni’s sisters and her, seeing them interact and how they are completely home with one another has really given me a lot of insight to true community.

I’ve been really challenged over the last year or so to learn how to love without an agenda.

The other day in one of my bible studies, we watched a Nooma video on loving people. Rob Bell is amazing, I love what he has to say about loving people and loving Jesus.

I am learning that I have learned so much and have so much to learn about this from my friends who are outside of the Church. They are teaching me how to love regardless and free of agenda. Jesus make me into one who loves freely and loves as you love.

Valentine's Day

*** So this year was probably my best Valentine's Day to date, more on that later when time permits, but I really liked this, so I'm re-posting Sam's Valentine's day post that he re-posted from last year:

"I decided to re-post this, written one year ago. It's still quite relevant for me, and circumstances are eerily similar. Have a great VDAY!
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Today is February 14th. The gears of the semester are beginning to grind, as they invariably do. I have just recovered from a week long illness that had me bed ridden for two days, and I am only starting to regain the edge I had forged on my classes and crazy schedule. My life is filled to the brim with meetings and study sessions and the various “recreations” of a second year university student trying to keep up appearances and scholarships.

Fortunately, I have friends here that come take care of me. Fortunately, I have family who send me meds and congratulations. And fortunately, I am not in a state of spiritual and emotional confusion that marked the past semester. But others are not so fortunate. And today is a day when those who, like myself, have never had a significant other to look to on this day – today is a day that those people are tempted to spurn.

It forces this certain insecurity to the surface, and that is, the security of someone else’s arms. It is an insecurity because many people do not have, as I said, that security to run to.

Something that this sickness gave me, a blessing in disguise, was an enormous sense of clarity.

Clarity came for me after exhaustion and confusion. It comes to recharge and refocus.

Sometimes we look at our circumstances in life, and we wonder why we must endure. Whether they are difficult classes, financial question marks, relationship blunders, singleness – you fill this part in with all the ridiculous scenarios we face- and it seems easy to lose heart.

But I say take heart! It is Valentine’s day anyway.

We approach what I will describe as deserts in life, and we are daunted. This semester is in many ways one of those times for me. But I have found balance in understanding two things: 1.It is not for me to decide the unforeseen factors that mark my life. There is purpose that comes from God because He is sovereign, and much of the time, I don’t understand that sovereign purpose. Time is steady and change is certain. The past is not malleable and the future is not entirely in our hands. 2. It is not for me to dwell on all of the above. That is certainly not where peace lies, anyway.

We often talk of the major and minor questions that mark our lives. It seems to me that we live in a state of anticipation for whatever is to come instead of living where we are today. And so we are not fully present. We miss opportunities. We miss smiles, and relationships, and lessons. At times I am swept away by longings and questions and desires and hopes and yes - frustration. And I think that to remain in that sorrowful or pensive state is very selfish of me. It produces a completely “self absorbed” individual. And it hinders us from learning - true - but also from loving.

Here is an excerpt from C.S. Lewis – “Learning in War – Time”

“Never, in peace or war, commit your virtue or your happiness to the future. Happy work is best done by the man who takes his long-term plans somewhat lightly and works from moment to moment “as to the Lord”. It is only our daily bread that we are encouraged to ask for. The present is the only time in which any duty can be done, or any grace received.”

And so it is right now for me. I am crossing my fingers and my t’s – working hard in what I have before me, hoping in what is to come but not staking all on what I do not know. You cannot give yourself to something that has not yet come to pass. Give yourself in this day. Reason bids me to do so. After all, It is not in blind fate or fortune that we hope and trust for whatever is to come, but it is in God!

People probably read about the idea of “seeking God” and getting “clarity” from Him and find it funny or ridiculous. I won’t attempt to explain this mystery, but I will quietly suggest, to those with disbelief, have you ever asked God for clarity? This is what His word says.

Matthew 7:7 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.”

After all, Christ exhorts us to cast our burdens on Him. Matthew 11:29-30 "I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Perhaps the reason you lack clarity right now is because you have not asked for it? I hadn’t. And it came in an unlikely package. But then, I don’t think I would have slowed down to listen for it.

Best to all of you on this fabulous day."

- photo courtesy of meghan burkett's wedding, friend from high school.

In the silence of the heart God speaks.

Today was the most amazing day. Mostly because it was spent with several interludes of silence.

Practicing silence is something I’m learning to do, especially in the midst of a busy, noisy world, I’m seeing the quietness and the peace that comes only from God is possible and available in the midst of anything.

This wasn’t a voluntary lesson.

But once again, I am floored by the providence of God. How He always knows what I need more than I do.

Those words don’t even do it justice.

But, it’s the start of a new semester at the women’s ministry I attend at Woodcrest. I absolutely love it and it is feeling like home. I am learning that I live and breathe women’s ministry and just going and being a part of theirs is a highlight in my week. I love what the leaders do, how they talk, how they live. I love the women I’ve been in groups with, how honest they are with where they’re at, how they don’t understand God, yet how they live to seek Him.

Well, for this upcoming semester, one of my mentors from there strongly suggested that when it came to picking which book or bible study I would join in the Thursday morning women’s ministry thing, that I pick the one that has the least amount of homework.

If you know me, you know picking the easy option isn’t something I would want to do.

But she strongly suggested this because of the fact that I would also be taking recovery for the first time and the course I am taking, Shelter from the Storm, has a lot of intense homework assignments she wanted me to focus more on.

So I agreed.

Last week, was the opening for women’s ministry and all the leaders go up and pitch their class. I remembered her advice to be open to where God might be leading me, not necessarily which class I wanted to sign up for.

There’s a new Beth Moore study on Esther that really grabbed my attention. But I did a Beth Moore last time and know that I could go and just watch the videos, but I got so much more out of it when I could be faithful to the daily assignments. So I knew that wasn’t going to work.

Then there was one on The Shack and one on Abba’s Child. Both books I have read or am currently reading and both books I love. That will be great I thought.

Both classes were capped at 10 and for some reason I signed up late.

So, when I heard these two older ladies describe No Greater Love, a book by Mother Teresa and that their class with start with a Nooma video, have very little homework, and would seek Christ in silence and simplicity, I was like nah.

But I put it as my third choice. I got the email later last Thursday saying welcome to the class and was less than thrilled.

Last night, after sorting through some situations going on and feeling my anxiety start to rise, I decided to take a break. And then I decided I’d go out and try to find the book. Got the last copy at Barnes and Noble, had 30 minutes before I had to be somewhere, so sat down and read it.

The first few pages totally nailed me and I knew why I was in this class.

It was exactly what I needed.

My deepest need at that moment was to be confronted with silence so I could hear the voice of God.

Moments before, when I decided I needed a break, I was at my house. Alone. It was quiet. Too quiet.

There’s something about silence that screams the truth.

Yes, I got that from Pink’s new song, but it is a brilliant line.

That is exactly why silence is uncomfortable.

But today was the best day in a really long time.

Mostly because I experienced a peace and power that only comes from sitting in his presence.

And doing nothing.

And learning how to be still.

I realized I make this so complicated. Sure, I have time to be still just about every day and I have a lot of “alone” time.

But silence and solitude, and doing nothing but listening to God speak is an entirely different thing that I don’t make time for all that often.

The sweetest things happened today in my heart and in my life.

There was a peace I cannot describe.

And I love my new group! These women are awesome. I feel like I connected and got to know these women more than the women I was with all last semester in my Beth Moore. Mostly because watching the Beth Moore video takes a lot of the class time and you have 15-30 min. to discuss after the video versus an hour and a half. And I felt like I belonged there. I am still the youngest in the whole ministry, out of 200 women, but in this class I really felt like I had something to offer and I was accepted with the women and could engage. And I am going to learn something from every single woman in there. They are all so dynamic and unique and in different places yet so beautiful.

We were all floored; a few other ladies admitted how this class wasn’t their first choice. But our leader is phenomenal. I can tell she is going to be someone I really like.

And everyone was so real today and talked so freely.

Silence is hard no matter who you are.

But I’m really excited for this because it’s no accident that I’m in there.

Today there were three different crises situations other people were calling me about and I noticed a difference in how I responded to them, when I responded to them, and how I felt about them. It was almost as if I was able to see completely with a bird’s eye view today and see things for a moment how god saw them and not participate in the drama, but be for and about his purposes.

And I kept the radio off driving around most of today, just trying to silence the noise more and more and driving around town to appts. and errands was so peaceful.

Then my cell hone, I kept it on silent after bible study till about 4 pm, I still checked it, but just now hearing noise all the time the phone rang or a text came in was so peaceful. It’s the little things like keeping a phone on silent or keeping the radio off, however it looks for us, that can help keep us connected to God’s presence in our lives.

There’s a lot I learned today that I was chewing on from the chapter last night, the video today and discussion today. Here’s some things I will be sitting on for a while...

“In the silence of the heart God speaks. If you face God in prayer and silence, God will speak to you. Then you will know that you are nothing. It is only when you realize your nothingness, your emptiness, that God can fill you with Himself. Souls of prayer are souls of great silence.”

“Listen in silence, because if your heart is full of other things you cannot hear the voice of God. But when you have listened to the voice of God in the stillness of your heart, then your heart is filled with God. This will need much sacrifice, but if we really mean to pray and want to pray we must be ready to do it now. These are only the first steps toward prayer but if we never make the first step with a determination, we will not reach the last one: the presence of God.”

“Sacrifice and prayer complement one another. There is no prayer without sacrifice, and there is no sacrifice without prayer.”

“My secret is very simple: I pray. Through prayer I become one in love with Christ. I realize that praying to Him is loving Him.”

- Mother Teresa, No Greater Love