Yesterday, as I mentioned in the previous post, I was on cloud nine. Then, I read an email that triggered a whole host of emotions and changed some of the course of my afternoon, but I came home after recounting the last few weeks with my counselor and came home intending to write about it all. I feel like something within my spirit has broken free, something that has happened over the course of the events of the last few months, weeks, and the last few days. I have been filled with an inexpressible joy and peace that passes understanding. Through the sorrow, heaviness of grief, questions and so much I do not understand my heart reignited with faith and hope in My God, the Great Physician, the only One who can. And fallen in love with Him again and again.
Yes, You are my Jehovah Jireh;
My God of great, great faithfulness, My God of everlasting love.
Which is why I had to start with these pictures, photos of pure joy written all over the face of my dear friend Sarah Brown as she walked into a surprise engagement party just minutes after Andy popped the question. I have said it before and I will say it again, a picture is truly worth a thousand words and as I was writing this post, these pictures keep coming to mind over and over again, for they capture and express a joy and a sense of sheer gratitude, amazement, and how blessed I truly feel right now.
I realized tonight as I got to have some time to sit outside Hy Vee and drink some Caribou and journal a bit and continue to wrap my mind around the day that I felt amazing. I FEEL amazing.
Some of what I wrote in my journal earlier:
"Oh Lord, I love you and I praise you. I don't think I have ever.... No, correction. I HAVE never felt this free after an appt(s). I have never felt this amazing after any single or series of appointments since this entire thing began. I thank you for how you are leading me and how you are leading us and how you are leading Ben. You have been and you are always so incredibly faithful. You always take care of us, no matter how hard all these twists and turns get. You have been there every step of the way. You are faithful. You are faithful. You are faithful. And You are so so good. You are... I don't even have the words that can express how incredible you are. I thank you, I simply have no words I am still floored by it all.”
Then later after a few pages I also realized I have never felt more loved, more supported, more united, more cared for and more fought for by Ben. Every experience we go through together whether it's in the hospital or doctor's appointments or in the ER, there is something that happens that still and always blows my mind again like today.
In every one of those experiences, we grow closer. I am more reminded of why he was the perfect guy that God knew would be strong enough not only for me, but for the seasons God knew we would face together.
I thought I loved Ben a lot about a year ago when we got married, but I never knew it was really possible to literally fall more in love with each other with each passing day.
And this is only the beginning.
There is a bond that deepens between us each time we emerge from this pressure-filled, high intensity situation where not just my health, but where a husband's love for their wife and the lengths he will go to take care of her and fight for her very life. To fight for her and advocate for her and would give ANYTHING to see the one they love simply get better, there are just no words so I'm not even going to try.
I knew Ben loved me. I know Ben loves me. But today was one of many experiences in which all that God has been doing in the emotional and spiritual realm in Ben and all that God has been doing in the emotional and spiritual realm in me, all the hardship and challenges and tension and strife all culminated in where God brought us today, uniting and igniting our hearts with a vision lighting the door into this next phase of the journey, where that love grew that much deeper for one another.
God is on the move.
God You are here and today, we saw You throw and move mountains into the very heart of the sea.
Today, so many things clicked for me. So many things I have been wrestling with in conversations with Ben regarding various emotional health things God is growing in both of us individually, things I have been wrestling with in my counseling appointments, things I have been wrestling with in the emotional health recovery class/group I am in on co-dependency, tools and skills and things that I have been like, well how do you really DO that... what does it even LOOK like.
But today, with a combination of those things as well as being backed by the love and support of friends who have gone to many of those dark places with me especially in the last month, something clicked. Huge boulders were moved.
I felt literally as if I was stepping out of my own self-imposed prison door. I had wanted to get out for days, weeks, years. I just never knew how. I knew I could but I didn't know how to take those steps. And with the Enemy throwing every single thing into the mix preying on every single core wound, insecurity, fear and illuminating those in this situation that has only bred more and more of those things that more than anything he has wanted to see me shackled in, today, I finally broke free.
There were so many things that were different this time shaking our hands with the doctors at Barnes, exiting those doors and walking those far too hauntingly familiar corridors.
Nearly every point along the hallway I remember the tears that were shed there. Or the bench on the 6th floor where we sat in silence staring at the wall of window into the world just before us. Wondering how life outside of there was still going on when we had just received news that knocked the wind out of us and I didn't know if my world would ever stop spinning. I remember the feelings. The million of emotions only those hospital walls have seen. The millions of emotions only those waiting rooms and hospital rooms have born witness to.
Yet today was different for the Lewton family. Even from the moment we got into the car this morning and began to both share our expectations, hopes, game plan, etc that is the normal routine before any appointment, it was different from the beginning.
Today, by the power and grace of God aline, He used what He has been doing in us individually and speaking to our hearts about, to lead us to something new. Something greater. Today, by God's power and grace alone, we cut a new path.
God is doing something new, I told Ben on the way home. New in my life. New in your life. New in our lives and our story.
Today it was as if I saw it all so crystal clearly. Saw even as I was able to more quickly identify the attack and assault on my emotions and the million of questions raised by what we just heard or did not hear, I was able to see things in a light I have never fully seen before and also felt after any sort of appt(s).
I feel free.
I feel AMAZING.
And I am not going to let my fear of joy, that wretched fear that can steal the present peace and joy as it peers over its shoulder trying to see and brace itself for the next disaster to come. Or that now tomorrow will be horrible. Or that in three weeks or this weekend or tomorrow life will be a living hell again.
No, you don't get to win today.
So I will unashamedly declare because of the One who made it all possible, to Him I will sing my praises and not be afraid to say, I feel more like never before.
Many of those from my husband. But, all of them as well by the One who alone has the power to save.
Our God. Who is strong and who is mighty.
Mighty, mighty to save.
And, I laughed as “He Reigns” started playing on the radio on my way from Caribou over the Stevi's for girls' nite to hang and watch "So You Think You Can Dance..."
I laughed because it just put our whole day/afternoon of processing, and then the time alone I got to spend for a bit this evening before heading over to Stevi's, all wrapped up in this one song.
I laughed because it was one of the worship songs we chose for our wedding ceremony for many reasons.
I laughed because it took on deeper meaning today as we were both stunned and floored at what God has been at work in our lives and our hearts to bring us to this new place, cutting a new path, hope springing up from this old ground.
He Reigns.
I simply have nothing more to say.
Well, that was originally the end of the post, but apparently I DO have more to say, shocker. But, Hold on, hold on, we're just about done :)
So as I was writing this post just now, there was one picture of a friend walking into a surprise engagement party that immediately came to mind when I was thinking of what picture could even come close to representing or expressing the overwhelming sense of joy and peace and gratitude and excitement that I feel.
These pictures of Sarah Brown's engagement and finding out about the news on facebook one random night when I happened to actually be on there were such A JOY to me, oh my gosh.
To fully understand, I need to tell you a little bit about Miss Sarah Brown. Sarah is a GCM staffer at our beloved Texas A&M. She is in her early 30s and has been on staff since 21/22 and been single for most if not all of that time. She is one of those people who reminds me of my good friend, Eva, both are those beautiful women who are so fun to be around, loud, crazy, in love with the Lord, and in love with sharing that with others. Both have had a HUGE impact in their ministries, yet especially to single girls.
I remember when Eva left and I was that older single girl around the Rock, I loved every minute of it. I loved getting to share my life with women and help them to also fight for contentment in their lives wherever they were at and fight the battle with them as Eva did, that our worth does not come from our marital or relationship status.
It was also one of the things I was most excited about when I decided to go on staff with the Rock. I wanted to be that single female staffer who could minister and connect with the girls who were single, which in a campus church is usually the majority of our population.
It had been so much a part of my dream that I actually grieved my singleness a lot when Ben and I first started dating because as I had not been in a relationship for years, and even a real relationship, I was used to living my life and doing ministry as a single, and instead of being way way excited about dating someone, while of course I really liked Ben and wanted to date him and always thought he would be the perfect guy for me to marry, it came at a cost and I had to learn a new way and lifestyle of doing ministry.
But there was a lot and is still a lot God wanted me to learn about myself through all of it. So it was hard in the sense that while I'd been associate staff for a few years as a single before I went on staff, when I was finished support raising and entering my first official year as employed full-time staff with our church, Ben and I started dating the week before the semester started, needless to say, I felt like the "guy" in the relationship who was constantly feeling torn at times from the way my time now had to be divided and the one having a hard time letting go of my singleness.
Anyway, it was funny, and things are totally different now, but even when those unfamiliar territories felt scary, it was just the way it should have been. God's timing was perfect and I would have wanted it no other way.
And, as a lot of other female staffers or staffer's wives encouraged me when I got to connect with many of them at LT last summer or Ignite last year right after we got engaged, God would lead me into a new ministry as a married woman that was neither more or less than the ministry I was able to do as a single. They were so right and I am super grateful that I had those years as a single woman and super grateful for the season I am in now.
So, ironically, Eva also got into a single relationship in the last year, and last time I saw Sarah lats summer, it was a few weeks before they were having “the talk” and I just knew that this one was going to be it. So, SO exciting to see two women I love to death who have waited patiently and not put their lives on hold but have been fully alive and living in the fullness of all God has for them AS singles... to see them now in love has been nothing short of amazing.
It was crazy because I remember when we started dating and then when we got engaged, so many of my ministry team supporters, family friends, people from over the years at the Rock or LT experiences were all super excited and I felt I got to experience what many of them told me they were experiencing when they first heard the news or saw pics on fb.
I was so grateful Mallory took pics that night because as so many of my friends who live far away kept telling me, I felt the same for Sarah's engagement, I was so glad someone documented the night and looking through them I felt like I was there! So I was overjoyed and SOO SOO love seeing her IN LOVE!! Here's a few more pics from the day she got engaged:
Love this. What a precious moment between sisters!
And this one too! (This is more of the Sarah and Katie I know!)
Okay, can we say (along with the first two at the beginning) PRICELESS!!
Oh, can you just FEEL the emotion oozing from these photos!?!
Beautiful. Her life and her story and now also her love story of God's faithfulness and how God provides continues to touch the lives of the people blessed to know her and be a part of her life.
Just beautiful.
::
I remember the excitement of the night Ben proposed. Tonight I am filled with that overflowing joy that reminds me of that night. A joy coming
from a place of deep, God, You have been waiting a long time to give this to me. God, You were faithful, You ARE faithful, ALWAYS, every single step of the way. And I stand amazed. And excited for the victories that were won today.
::
For the life and the peace and the joy and the freedom only Your love can bring.
For the truth of Your word that those who hope in You will never be disappointed.
No, those who hope in the Lord will never be put to shame.
We are nothing, Lord. NO-THING without You.
Yet You love us and You gave up everything just to have our hearts,
just to have the relationship with us that You always wanted.
Taking us from all that we deserved to all we didn't do a thing to earn. The gift of your abundant grace.
The gift of learning we do not have to do it all on our own anymore, that You are our strength.
The gift of learning that we can trust You, we can depend on You.
No matter how crazy or how bad it gets.
For You say that when we walk through the fire, we will not be burned.
And You bring Your people “from strength to strength... till each appears before God in Zion.”
May our hearts and our lives be set ever before You. May You lead and guide and protect us in Your unfailing love. May Your presence and Your peace continue to guide our hearts and minds.
I thank You and I praise You for such an amazing day and for all Your hands have done and the sweet times Ben and I got to share together. I thank You for taking care of us. As You always, always do.
Yes, Lord,may Your wonders never cease.
- photos of sarah and andy's engagement courtesy of their friend, jenni sternberg
Cast your burdens on the Lord and he will sustain you.
:: psalm 55:22
A verse that I ran into the other day when I was feeling overwhelmed with many of things. Such a rich promise that has carried special meaning for me the last six months as I first encountered it.
I think it speaks to me so much because it reminds me that He alone is the true Sustainer, the true Life-Giver. Or, Jehovah Jireh, a phrase I have said and will say again a hundred of times, for our God is a God who provides. My God who sees, He is my God who knows, and He is my God who is always with me, present, living, and active in my life and my circumstances, even when it doesn't always feel like it.
It reminds me that He was faithful before, He'll be faithful again, to steal the words from another song I deeply, deeply love. Through it all, I am reminded that I can trust Him. That He will not turn His back on me, He will never stop loving me and He is the LORD, period, end of story. And He rises up to show us His compassion.
So yes, Father, we wait and we welcome You. For You are already here. You have already provided. You will see us through. We thank You and we praise You. For You alone are my God, my Savior. And my hope is in You all day long.
"We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love be with us, LORD,
even as we put our hope in you."
I walked out of class yesterday and as I was trying to identify this strange feeling that had come over me as I walked into the parking lot and began my drive home.
I feel okay.
I FEEL OKAY! I suddenly realized and wanted to shout from the rooftops.
I feel okay again for the first time in more than a month.
As all of the events of the last 31 days came rising to the surface, and I could see yet another month-long battle and fight again threatening to take me out, yet once again, it was the Lord who prevailed. Over my foes, over my Enemy. And this sinister monster seeking to destroy my body, seeking to destroy my life.
A time that has been a blur of joy and chaos, victory and defeat, hope and despair, turmoil and peace, sorrow, bitterness, devastation, anger, and grief. Crushing disappointment and hope against hope, that still says, “I believe... And all is not lost. For He who has promised is faithful.”
I feel free. Free.
I also realized.
Okay again. Whole.
For once my world feels as it is has stopped unraveling.
For once, my world again feels intact.
And I kept thinking even of the intense spiritual battle of the last week and even that morning, and the fight it was to even decide to go back to class and all the same and lies Satan has been coating and covering me with.
That for the first time, in I don't know how long, I felt the most okay I've ever been.
That word “okay” is really getting on my nerves because it doesn't even begin to nearly do it justice.
Okay in the sense of security and stability I have longed to feel as the boat kept rocking and the ground continue to crumble beneath my feet.
Okay in the sense that finally all was at rest. The events leading up to yesterday morning all made so much more sense once new ground had been broken, and it was the start of something entirely new.
For once my world was not unraveling, for once my world had stopped spinning.
And as I have been looking at all God has done, in the pockets of relief and moments I would come up for air and days where things did feel lighter here and there in the last month, I stand amazed.
Amazed again at the power of our God.
In awe.
Speechless.
At this God of Hope I have encountered here in the wilderness.
This God of Hope who has spoken and whispered, reached out to me in the dark and said, “My sweet child, I love you.
I love you.
I love you...
...and I am here.”
So many stories I wish I could tell you.
So many things I wish I had all the time in the world right now to write and go into in this moment.
But, until then, I will celebrate and give thanks and enjoy living life in the gift of this new day. I will celebrate and rejoice in God, my Savior.
Who has once again brought victory.
Who has once again been my Jehovah Jireh,
my God who always, lovingly, faithfully, and abundantly, provides.
