I’m not who you think I am

(so don’t read this if you haven’t read The Shack, this contains some spoilers.)

So, I officially have a love/hate relationship with The Shack and all it’s digging up in the lost regions of my heart.

My head is spinning. Partially from the lack of sleep the night before, partially from the months worth of emotions I experienced today. good but hard. part of me is sick of going back and doesn't want to buy the fact that all of the work through my past and years of christian counseling still doesn't mean i will not be working on this, but part of me knows it is reality and that recovery is a lifelong process. and knows the value of this process and what it is accomplishing here and in the future, and ultimately what it is restoring that is broken in my relationship with God, as that is the point of recovery.

recovery is an onion, one of my mentors recently said.

god peels different layers at different times.

Not only am I wrestling with a core insecurity with my identity as a woman right now, the “too much, not enough” idea from Captivating, but I am also dealing with the root of this insecurity from my past. This has been something I knew was coming, especially in planning a women’s retreat for our church that is focused on the reality that as women, regardless of age, we all have some insecurity with our identity… whenever God calls you to teach something, you end up preaching to yourself, which is what is happening with the retreat… I was feeling the most secure I’ve ever felt in my identity the last 8 months, and bam, weeks before the retreat… broken again.

Sweetly broken.

And it’s a hard, but the best place to be.

I am encountering god in a way like never before.

Jesus has never been more real.

It is almost as if we are talking trips back to my past and healing the wounds, where they were inflicted.

I have decided I am writing a personal story that I may show a few folks on my “shack” experience with God in the midst of my pain, a few events I have never told anyone about in relation to how God specifically met me and became real in the midst of my “Great Sadness.” I don't know what I'm going to call it yet or how it will take shape, but I think this will be good for me to do. I hope to do that in the next few months.

Today I wrestled with God through some deeply rooted issues leaving me with a flood of emotions I didn’t know what to do with. I was reading The Shack while getting my car inspected and could feel the emotions rising within me.

I tried everything I could to hold some sort of semblance till I got in the car.

I’m not going there, I told God. Not now.

I wasn’t more than three minutes when...

“He could feel the warmth of tears beginning to gather behind his eyes, as if they were knocking on the door of his heart….”

“it’s okay honey, you can let it all out…”

…

“I’m not who you think I am"

...today, without going into detail, I was able to see how current struggles were really more intense by the things the Lord has been revealing to me about the extent of the damage done to my heart because of my past. Because of that, it is like uncovering a wound and leaving me more vulnerable than ever.

Any little word

Has seemed like a direct blow

A direct attack

Leaving me feeling rejected

Unwanted

Unloved

Like there is something fundamentally wrong with me

With who I am…

And I was able to let myself feel anger for the first time in a long time.

Anger is a really scary emotion.

Especially as I’m seeing how it relates to my past. And it is an emotion that always evoked fear in me, so when I see it in myself I automatically think, bad.

But anger is good.

Allowing ourselves to feel anger helps us move on tot he other emotions that are really at play, because anger is a primary emotion.

I felt anger for the first time and just spilled it all out to God.

I cannot put into words what happened.

But I’ll probably write about how it took me back to some of the hauntings of my past.

“Let it all out…

“I feel totally lost,” Mack said.

“Then lets’ see if we can find you in this mess.”

Almost as is on cue, a blue jay landed on the kitchen windowsill and began strutting back and forth. Papa (God) reached into a tin can on the counter and, sliding the window open, offered Mr. Jay a mixture of grains she must have kept just for that purpose. Without any hesitation, and with a seeming air of humility and thankfulness, the bird walked straight to her hand and began feeding.

“Consider our little friend here, “ she began. “Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around.” She paused to let Mack think about her statement, “You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around.”

“Living unloved is like clipping a bird’s wings and removing its ability to fly. Not something I want for you…”

"Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings an d keeping us from being able to fly." She waited for a moment, allowing her words to settle. "And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

so I had all this breakdown/breakthrough an hour before I was going to meet with Garrett. I think it’s funny that whenever we schedule to meet I’m doing great, last week, and the day of I’m falling apart lol.

We had a really great conversation and were talking about a lot of these issues as he shared how he sees his wife and younger girls in our church wrestling with things with our identity and how we’ve been wounded.

I shared with him the premise for what I’ll be writing, what it means to grow up not BEING unloved but BELIEVING you’re unloved. they are two very different things, the later i didn't come to until the last few years in my recovery process.

This section of the book completely exposed my biggest struggle, the grieving and mourning and effects of living the majority of my life unloved. or believing i was.

Today as I was walking through the hurt with God, current and past and how much I didn’t want to take any more risks with people, how it was all bringing up my core fears and struggles with not believing I am truly loved (by ppl) it really is a reflection of

Whether I am loved/accepted by God.

I think that is what is underlying a lot of our identity struggles as women.

Because that is exactly what Shame destroys.

“I’m not who you think I am”

I am meeting and encountering a God through my past who is so much different from the God I knew in my past.

it's coming from lots of different places as i'm getting ready to take/apprentice a recovery class at another church dealing with issues in my past and from what i've been warned numerous times this week, is an intense study, so i'm bracing myself for that, just holding the workbook the other night at orientation i wanted to throw it in the back seat of my car and pretend this never happened. then i'm reading wounded heart and god is doing a work in my life through that. so i am more aware of my issues and vulnerabilities than ever, yet more open to the working of the spirit and the dramatic work of God.

it is powerful, beautiful, painful, and amazing.

not enough, too much...

"I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman.

Every woman I’ve ever met feels it—something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is.

I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time.

Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy.

The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone. After all, if we were better women—whatever that means—life wouldn’t be so hard. Right? We wouldn’t have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful relationships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands?

We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us.
We feel unsought—that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside.
And we feel uncertain—uncertain what it means even to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us—whether from a driven culture or a driven church—is try harder..."

the peasant princess

Mark Driscoll preaches a series from the Song of Songs/Solomon and cuts no corners. If you want sound theological teaching on God's intent for marriage, family, children, divorce, sex, serving, etc. this teaching is the best I have found. This is a must listen or watch for teenagers, singles, and those who are married.

So this series has been spreading like wildfire among Christian culture, but well deservedly. I know everyone has their opinions about Mark, but I am a firm believer in listening or reading to what one has to say before passing judgment. The Driscoll I have heard about and the one I have met in this teaching are pretty different. Sure, you may not agree with all his views or all he has to say, but he preaches a much needed teaching on these issues.

I have passed it along to married and single friends because it has so many great things to say about what relationships and marriage and intimacy were intended to be. A friend told me this fall not to listen to it, it was something only for those who are engaged or married, which of course made me all the more interested in it. (I know I am stubborn.) I wouldn't have listened to it a year ago, so use your own discretion. But I actually didn't start listening to it until December when I heard a lot of great feedback from older single women in my life about how it was ministering to them and allowing them to minister and have a voice in the lives of engaged/married friends. I listen to the talks every now and then, the last one I listened to was a kick in the butt on selfishness and very applicable to nearly any relationship. Check it out!

love

Oswald Chambers said, “No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first.”

I can’t really describe what is happening.

A relationship between two people is living and active, it breathes, it moves, is constantly changing and growing.

That’s how it is with me and God.

There is this invisible thing between the two of us that shows itself outwardly at times but is most beautiful what is intimate and real and felt and experienced between us.

Kind of like two lovers. There is almost an unseen thing going on there between them. Little jokes, little mannerisms, that only the two of them know and understand.

That is what is going on.

I am experiencing and hearing the voice of my Abba like never before. There’s a calm reassurance that I am not alone.

A strange peace I cannot explain.

The security of being in a relationship bigger than anything else around me and one that touches and colors my life in ways I cannot explain.

- photo courtesy of my friend, stephanie (engagement photos)

Ruthless trust

"This book started writing itself with a remark from my spiritual director. 'Brennan, you don’t need any more insights into the faith,” he observed. “You’ve got enough insights to last you three hundred years. The urgent need in your life is to trust what you have received.'

“I can state unequivocally that childlike surrender in trust is the defining spirit of authentic discipleship. And I would add that the supreme need in most of our lives is often the most overlooked—namely, the need for an uncompromising trust in the love of God."

- Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust

So there are a lot of things going on and going well, but I am learning how to wait when things are going slower than I’d like. Like support raising for example. This is an area of my life that is requiring ruthless trust. One of my guy friends just bought the book today and it reminded me of the treasure it was to me my first time reading it.

It’s one I often frequent on my bookshelf.

But I decided to look at the first chapter as I realized, huh, I need some pretty ruthless trust when it comes to the rest of the support coming in. trust is my deepest need in this area. Trusting when you don’t see immediate results. The first part of my support raising process I was staying pretty busy, enjoying the people and new relationships that were forming and results were there. Now, it’s been two months of really slow. And hardly any results. And doing some new things as well as doing the same thing to be faithful, and still seeing very little.

This is where perseverance comes in. and patience. As I’ve been reading in Hebrews, without patience, perseverance is impossible. Will I have the patience to believe even when I don’t see how it’s going to happen? And that belief allowing me to keep going, knowing he who promised is faithful? I have no doubt that God will raise the rest of the support, but I want to know when. And from where. Things I cannot know, but still try to figure out.

I have never doubted this was what I’m supposed to do or that God will raise the team, but my biggest battle is the illusion of control and wanting to believe that what I put in equals what happens plus a little bit of faith and hoila. But that’s not how it works. Faith is more complicated than that and more simple at the same time. Faith is simply believing God. But also God is more concerned about the process, not the result. He is not holding out on me. Lead me to the team.

a blessing or a curse?

I see things differently. I cannot explain it. I do not know why. When you have had a rescue years ago from so near to the pit of hell and god has walked you through that fire, everyday life never looks the same again, you know the powers of darkness are real, for you have touched them, then once held you captive and have been on your heels since you broke free… you see things in the spiritual realm that others cannot, yet because you see them you have the responsible to fight when others are confused on what is even happening or what you are doing. You know how to stand your ground in even the most severe of storms and testings. You know what is an attack and what is from God. And when to trust and believe God is in this, when everything around you and the people around you doubt it.

This weekend, something happened with a group i'm a part of that I saw coming on Thursday. I sent an email to the girls to pray for Saturday. I didn’t go into to details. It wasn’t a vision or anything like that, but a warning I had from God. To be prepared. To stand alert, so as not to be fooled by the devil’s schemes. Unfortunately, I am all too aware of the enemy’s potential and his ways to deceive… kill, steal, and destroy…

God is using this blessing or a curse to also weed out my approval addiction. There have been decisions I have made in the last year, last six months and last week that have been unpopular but have been what God has called me to do.

I recently heard a preaching on Luke 9 that I cannot wait to write about because it talked about this same thing. Following Christ will cause you to leave the comforts and security of many things, including the love of man. The test was passed. Something was released in the spiritual realm once a decision was made, and a heart resolved to trust not what I was FEELING, but the TRUTH and REALITY of the situation and the implications long-term

You believed me.
You TRUSTED me, my child.
Were my Father’s precious words.

It was an experience I still am kinda creeped out about. But is the mystery and the power of the Holy Spirit sent to always be with us.

A spirit that gives us eyes to see and ears to hear this invsible, inaudible voice and presence of God. Sometimes more real than the actions and circumstances around us.

We are called to walk by faith, not sight. Even in the seemingly small things, in a few conversations where I could clearly see what was not there now, but what would be, others struggled to believe.

This sight is only born in darkness. And walking with God in the dark and sadness in trials in Nov. and Dec. have given me new eyes.

Day by day I’m seeing things differently.

Walk with God on a path strewn with blood, sweat, and tears and you will never look at the world the same again.

My life as…

A wedding coordinator

A women’s retreat director
A full-time ministry team developer/support raiser
A bridesmaid/local unofficial maid of honor
Recovery ministry participant/apprentice
Victim’s Advocate for victims of sexual assault and domestic violence
Friend
Sister
Roommate
Mentor
Child of God

… Equals life is crazy/good/fast/furious between December 28 (when I laid out all the timelines and meetings and showers and things that needed to happen) and March 7. After March 7, we will be two weddings, three showers, one retreat down, and back to the normal mix of just support appts and bible studies, recovery ministry, and my relationships.

But the thing is God knows what He’s doing and what I need because I wouldn’t have it any other way, I’ve always done a million things at once but this time I am learning how to rest and how to go, and learning this is just how I’m wired. The days I stop, it all comes to a screeching halt and is wonderful. Like yesterday when I got to sit and read in a coffee shop for 5 hours. Heaven. and then get to dance. And write. And not allow myself to think or do any work till the work week started up again. I’m experiencing what it means to rely on God and to work out of who I am and who He has created me to be and not what I do. it is freeing and beautiful. His grace is enough!