Romance and Relationships - Part 3

Romance and Relationships - part 3 from Becky Hill's blog (a friend of one of my blogger friend's, Jaeson)

As I’ve been talking to friends recently about some of the issues of R&R #3 coming up in their lives, I realized that I need to clarify a few things. There are two aspects to the formation of every romantic relationship: 1) the Lord’s sovereignty [God's hand], and 2) our choices [our heart]. You cannot exclusively operate in one or the other if you desire to walk in righteousness and wisdom in a relationship.

SOVEREIGNTY

The Lord is faithful to give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). Though this does not mean that I will be answered if I ask for a Mercedes Benz, it does mean that He is concerned with the welfare and pleasure of His children. He loves to make us happy, but in the ultimate sense of the word instead of the temporary fix we’re used to. The reason there are countless stories of divine “hook ups” is because they’re real. The Lord knows who we are better than we do, and He also knows what will bring us into the greatest measure of love for Him, which are both dynamically apart of choosing a spouse. Though there is no Scripture that says, “I shall give thee thine perfect suite-mate,” there are a multitude of Biblical testimonies of the Lord’s kindness in providinga wife, a husband, or children to those who had lost hope for such things (to name a few: Sarah’s barrenness, Isaac’s loneliness, Jacob’s loneliness, Rachel’s barrenness, both Boaz and Ruth’s loneliness, Hannah’s barrenness, and the list goes on…). In Psalm 68:6, the Lord explicitly promises that He will set the lonely in families, so whatever expression that may take for each individual, it is nevertheless deeply on His heart. The only way forward is to trust, pray, wait, and delight yourself in Him with whatever circumstances He’s put you under. Bottom line–I actually believe that the Lord will provide a spouse to those who ask Him.

The other aspect of sovereignty is that there is a divine aspect to love. Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, & 8:4 all speak of not arousing or awakening love until it so desires, and that means that love is not mostly objective. There can be someone in your midst who simply seems perfect for you and everything “lines up” about you two (life calling, communication style, world view, personal interests, etc), but if the Lord doesn’t breathe on both of your hearts, it cannot work. This is what the Romans would call the arrow of Cupid, we modernly refer to it as chemistry, but whatever the case it’s actually valid. If you’ve ever instantly connected with someone and felt like you wanted to know everything about them, then you know what I’m talking about. If both parties don’t have this happen (preferably it’s progressive instead of instantaneous), you will not be able to have a healthy relationship. Do not try to force your heart or manipulate another’s heart to feel this; it is like trying to heat a wood stove from the outside instead of letting the fire burn within.

CHOICE

Many think that the Lord is going to force them to marry someone they don’t like or would never choose, simply to teach them humility or some horrible lesson like it. This is a lie. Though the Lord is sovereign in your life, He will simply put people in your path that He recommends as a future spouse and allows your heart to choose. He is sovereign, but He does not desire to be a dictator of human affection.

One of the reasons Paul commends singleness is to relieve those who feel the pressure of getting married, and to make them understand that it’s a bigger commitment than simple attraction. The choice aspect of relationships is where many Christians either ignore their responsibility to take action upon what the Lord sets before them (for an extended talk on this, see #1 of this series), or they are presumptuous and don’t even bring the person/situation before Him. We each have three basic choices in every possible relationship that should be decided by first asking a question:

1. Is it time for me to move forward into a romantic relationship unto marriage or am I just lonely?

2. Do I enjoy this person and want to be with them more than another?

3. Do I have the same vision/values as this person and respect the way I’ve seen them walk that out over the time I’ve known them?

If you’re attracted to someone, based upon how your heart of hearts answers these three questions along with some help and guidance from friends and Holy Spirit, you can actually choose to move forward into relationship unto marriage (here’s a few other tips). This means you then walk it out over time, get to know each other and be open to find that you were wrong about being together, use wisdom and the Sermon on the Mount, and be intentional to have other people in your life who will tell you if the relationship is bad. Your choice in the matter is crucial, for if you don’t choose then you’re not responsible (you can blame-shift your relational issues to the Lord instead of claiming the problems/pain and walking through them in righteousness). The beauty of love is in risk-taking, and risk is only real when you don’t know what the outcome will be. Messy is good for the sake of love, as long as it’s done with the Lord.

I hope this clarifies what I was getting at in my last post in the R&R series: it’s God’s hand that directs our lives and guards/opens our hearts, and it’s our hearts that respond and choose the way forward.

- pic courtesy: engagement photo of my friend stephanie hockridge if anyone cares lol.

Fields of Grace

Grace... "the freely given and unmerited favor and love of God."

In a field of yellow flowers,

underneath the sun,

bluest eyes that spark with lightning,

boy with shoes undone.

He is young,

so full of hope,

reveling in tiny dreams,

filling up his arms with flowers,

right for giving any queen.

Running to her beaming bright,

while cradling his prize.

A flickering of yellow light,

within his mother's eyes.

She holds them to her heart,

keeping them where they'll be safe,

clasped within her very marrow,

dandelions in a vase.

She sees love,

where anyone else would see weeds.

all hope is found.

Here is everything he needs.

Fathomless your endless mercy,

weight I could not lift.

Where do I fit in this puzzle,

what good are these gifts?

Not a martyr, or a saint,

scarcely can I struggle through.

All that I have ever wanted,

was to give my best to you.

Lord, search my heart,

create in me something clean.

Dandelions you see flowers in these weeds.

Gently lifting hands to heaven,

softened by the sweetest hush,

a Father sings over his children,

loving them so very much.

More than words could warrant,

deeper than the darkest blue,

more than sacrifice could merit,

Lord, I give my heart to you.

- I wish I wrote this but it’s song lyrics by Five Iron Frenzy, per my girl Kate!

A new song

A new song: a song of the redeemed, the quiet after the storm.

I sing a new song to the Lord.

I love you back.

It is my joy… to honor you.
To be your beloved one.

Come, come my child. Come and be My light.

I will be Your light.

I thank you for your glory and your presence and your fight over my life.

For bringing me back to you.
For dying to bring me to God.

For restoring and redeeming me.

For rescuing me.

That I have life.
That I am held.
Loved.
Safe now.

That life is now
Different
Exciting

That you and I are wed.
Inseparable.
Soul mates.
Lovers.
Friends.

That no matter how broken
You are here
And you wipe away every tear.

You delight in me like a little girl who has just had her dream come true.

Who is finally cherished and treated for who she truly is, a princess.

Seeing Melissa during her proposal was so beautiful. (We watched a video of their proposal at a surprise engagement party last night! I am loving that people are doing this now because you get to see glimpses of that special moment. And seeing their reactions are priceless.)

Such a beautiful picture of this.

She had the innocence and the freedom and excitement of a little girl

Dancing in a field.
Free and secure.

Yes, I choose you.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
It is so beautiful to see how Ryan loves her.
How he truly delights in her.

He loves her as Jesus loves her and sees her true worth and value as He does.
He only reminds her of her first love and it is such a true picture of this…
In his presence, she is free; she is able to be that captivating little girl who doesn’t have to be afraid anymore.

But who can dance in the delight and affection of her lover.

*Pictured above: two dear friends I met in college, Melissa Molder and Ryan Worley, engaged as of Monday night!

When I dare to be powerful

"When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid"- Audre Lorde

“Do you ever get nervous about all of this? Because I totally see your calling and totally see it now, 5 years from now, 15 years from now…” and as she asked me that, I admitted, sometimes it freaks me out.

These women who are fueling and sharpening my vision and wanting to help me do it and see it to the next level and get trained and equipped to do it on a larger scale.

And then I come to moments where it’s scary because it is so much larger than me. But at the same time that fear is also exciting. Make sense? Kinda.

God has given each of us a kingdom vision that is much larger than ourselves, for our lives are in the context of something so much bigger and greater.

And I’m finding the days or the moments when I am afraid are few and far between, for as my boy Brennan Manning says, “God’s grace always precedes his call.” All the grace I need for each next step is already there, given.

‘The one thing we owe absolutely to God is never to be afraid of anything.’ His (Charles de Foucauld’s) unflinching trust in the love of God morphed into humble confidence that the grace for the next step in the dance of life was already there, given. Without anxiety, Abba’s children move forward, knowing that the next and the next and the next steps will take care of themselves.”

- B. Manning

The Map

I have a mentor.

And lots of women I look up to.

I am so grateful.

I have been praying and wanting this for years in the absence of my last two mentors moving away.

And now God has provided three key women that are involved and desire to be in my life in different capacities. I asked for one, I got three. God always takes care of us. Sometimes I think only I want that type of relationship. But they have reinforced the truth I so easily forget that mentoring and discipleship is a two way street. It’s about relationship. And the thing that floors me is they are just as excited and interested in me as I am in them. They are longing to for a young woman in their lives as I am longing for older women.

There is an excitement with new relationships, new worlds opening up, a new set of life experiences, their stories, all to be shared and learned from.

And I’ve been praying specifically for this and God blows me away.

Because of my personality and how I’m wired, I’ve desired women in my life again who are “movers and shakers.”

I think somewhere along the way I started believing the lie that once I get married my personal ministry and things I love doing would come to an end. That I would spend all my waking hours serving my husband and supporting the ministry work he is doing.

That I would be completely lost and take on his life.

And that does NOT get me the least bit excited about marriage.

Yes, I will learn to die to myself and I believe marriage is going to be great for me to learn how to fully love and serve someone else, but I am meeting women who are calming all my fears.

They are leading large women’s ministries at thriving churches in town. They are starting companies, starting children’s homes, starting missions organizations, teaching college students. They are wives, they are mothers, they are workers, they are loving others, they are out there making a difference and transforming the world around them. They are not in the shadows.

They serve their husbands but not to the detriment of who God has made them and called them to be.

This is so beautiful to see.

These are women that I have been praying for that I look at and am like, I want to be you in 10 years. Or 20 years. Or 30 years.

And they’re real. I can’t put them on a pedestal because they are honest with who they are and their real life struggles.

It is beautiful and it is freeing.

I feel like these last few months I’ve been entering “womanhood.”

I’ve gone to my first “women’s ministry” things and am a part of “women groups.”

I’m not the kid, but an active part. I have a place in their lives just as they do in mine.

I somehow thought I would have nothing to offer. But they all love having someone younger around who loves God and has a "fresh perspective." I feel the same about them.

Sometimes it’s amazing how the Lord works.

Again and again we see this is scripture and we see it in our own lives. We ask God for things and he far surpasses our requests.

Today Granny Pam of Granny’s House spoke at a women’s group I go to.

She talked about how important a mentor is in a child’s life and during her slideshow a picture of her husband and a young boy studying a map came on the screen.

She said the funny thing is when they were putting the slideshow together and when they took the picture they were not thinking this, but landed on how fitting that picture was.

A mentor has a map, she said, and serves as a guide in that child’s life. Life is a maze and a mentor helps the child guide through the twists and turns without bumping into wall after wall.

Mentoring is like studying a map together.

I missed that. I grieved and longed for that so much in the last couple of years, of having an older woman in my life to help me navigate through the forest when all I can see is the bark on the trees five inches from my face.

I have had older men and father figures still serving in this role, but there is nothing like connecting with the heart of a woman.

God is faithful.

I am so grateful. Even when I will think he has forgotten, two years later, he brings fulfillment.

Streams in the desert today:

Let him who walks in the dark
Who has no light
Trust and rely on His God.
Isaiah 54:10

My flesh and heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart
And my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26

But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge.
Psalm 73:28

Hear me, Lord, and answer me,
For I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am faithful to you;
Save your servant who trusts in you.
You are my God, have mercy on me,
Lord,
For I call to you all day long.
Bring joy to your servant, Lord,
For I put my trust in you.

…

Teach me your way, Lord,
That I may rely on your faithfulness;
Give me an undivided heart,
That I may fear your name.

Psalm 86:1-4, 11

God is within her, she will not fall…
Psalm 46:5

Rescued.

Ever have one of those days where you don’t know how you’re still standing? And you feel so different from when you began?

Got less than three hours of sleep.
Went to be a little after 4 am.
Got up a little after 7 am to get the cinnamon rolls ready for my women’s group and face another day.

Another try.

I had to get up and fight.

I knew even though I was going to pay for the lack of sleep today, I could not have gone to bed last night before getting it all out.

Or it would’ve directed the course of another day.

Empty.

I wrote about the emptiness I felt during and after bible study in my journal as I struggled to keep awake and alert but knew I had to get my day started so I could go to my lunch and afternoon appointments without shutting down. Then I felt God asking me what could I cut in my day so I could take at least an hour nap.

Best decision all day.
Then I got to still go to Paige’s 4th birthday and Melissa and Ryan’s engagement party before meeting with one of the girls from church after support calls for an hour.

You restore me.

You sustain me.
You are good.

You always take care of me.
You are faithful.