letters to _______, no. 02

{the pain we hold inside}

Dear _______,

Do you ever fear that people don't believe you? I'm not just talking doctors, I mean friends, family, co-workers, people around you?

Making new friends, I find I want to keep this buried down within like a secret.

I don't want to let it out for fear of how it will be received.

After the other night when it came spilling out, I found myself facing that as I was talking with girls after small group. The dynamics changed, some of them seemed to be looking at me differently.

I had to wrestle with this very real reality in the coming days: I fear they don't believe me. Which later became, what if they don't.

It's crazy meeting me now at this time and stage of the game. If you didn't know me before, my life and my capacity looks normal. Even to people who did know me before, my life looks back to normal.

Am I being fake, am I wanting/trying to fool people? No, I'm just trying to live my life. Make the most and the best out of everyday I'm given.

I live till it hurts.

There is no amount of physical activity, big or small that doesn't cost.

But, what's the alternative.

I'm going to be tired and in pain if I sit at home all day just as I am if I choose to go out with friends.

It's going to cost me physically, but fill me up emotionally and spiritually.

Living with a chronic illness, especially one that has not been probably properly diagnosed brings a level of shame and scrutiny far too much for any one person to bear. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

But then again, we all know there are days when we do. Days when we wish others knew the hell we were daily living in. The hell in which we have had to make and look functionable, when it feels like everyone else just gets to live their life. Free of this battle, free from these chains and the myriad of ways this thing rears its ugly head into every nook and cranny of our everyday lives and very existence.

Life's not fair.

Somehow that's strangely comforting as it is disparaging. We wish it was. If it was, we wouldn't hurt so bad.

It hurts when you realize others may not only not believe you, but think you're being a baby/just not able to handle or tolerate pain.

The world of chronic pain is a world I wish nobody had to live in. It's a harsh, cruel place. One that affects not only those afflicted with the pain personally, but those closest in its midst, in its wake. The caregivers in the forms of husbands, spouses, family members, close friends.

It's something that colors everything it touches.

And you find yourself wondering, longing for what normal even was or felt like.
Something that only feels like a dream. 

letters to _______, no. 01

I never thought I'd be a person with a chronic illness. Yet here I am. The term "chronic" illness is one that seemed somewhat of an oxy moron to me before. It baffles logic and begets ridicule.

Don't you just somehow get better? Eventually? Sometime?

How can you really be "chronically" ill?

Living with the daily challenges of a chronic illness is a world I wish I never had to live in. It's one of those things you hear about and can somewhat imagine, but one that can't be fully understood till you're living there.

I wish I wasn't sick. I have been laying in bed most of the afternoon, my body is completely deplete of iron as my supplements from my pharmacy in Missouri have run out and I've been trying to find something remotely close here in California but because of how even something as small as an iron supplement, the wrong mix of this and that can interact with all of my other medications, I just gave up looking. Now I've been paying for it. Ben didn't even know till last night when I brought him something at the library. I've been more and more tired and low on energy the last few days. Today, I couldn't wait to get home from church and lunch with friends just to sleep.

The only thing that got me out of bed a bit ago was needing to go to the bathroom and then after I tried laying back down, the all too familiar most often reason why I have to get out of bed mid-sleep got me again, I needed to take my meds.

It's almost like this game I like to play with myself. It had been more than 8 hours since my last dose (I'm supposed to take my regular meds three times a day or roughly every 4 hours), and as I was becoming more and more conscious and awake, I could feel all the things my body knew but my brain wasn't attuned to while I was sleeping.

I could feel the pins and needles in my legs. I could feel the tiny pricks of burning sensations grow stronger and stronger in my arms and legs, like getting pricked and poked with a sharp needle over and over again, but feeling like its coming from internally. I could feel the muscle spasms. The tightness in all of my muscles that I knew would only get worse the longer I lay there trying to act like it wasn't that bad. Can I make it till morning? What if I just don't take anything, if I'm laying down, won't it be okay.

Life and each day is filled with a million of these questions. I am exhausted. Exhausted from this battle and this journey, I'm more than ready for this nightmare to be over, yet we're only at the beginning of another long stretch of several new treatment plans, new doctors, new dentists, new hopes, new possible solutions, new disappointments, heartaches, dreams.

I never thought I could be sick this long. Living in this alternate-reality that looks normal from the outside, but everything is far from it. I never knew it was possible to live like this, with pain, physical challenges, and symptoms being a part of my everyday daily existence. Life is a blur of activity, meetings, work, relationships, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, crafting, groups, meeting people, managing my illness, and over again, repeat.

I long for a day it almost hurts to much to hope for.

A day when my body is completely healed and restored.
A day when I will suffer no more.

speechless. humbled. and amazed.

I. have. no. words.

Take advantage of this rare and precious moments, folks, because for a girl who can talk a mile a minute till next Tuesday, this gem is one to be appreciated.

I have no words. I am simply in awe. Amazed by my God.

I feel energized and alive like never before.

I don't have to words to describe all that I am feeling right now and all that is happening within my heart. I feel like my head and my heart are gonna explode. And I'm so excited. I have been on cloud nine, giddy like a school girl since I left the office this morning of a job that I am still humbled by all the ways and things God orchestrated. The Lord is doing so much. I am blown away and grateful and simply in awe of Him.

His love never fails.

a grateful heart

Today, I am feeling excited, energized, enthusiastic, alive, valued, seen, known, treasured, loved. Encouraged, determined, grateful, full of hope and peace. Thankful for the God who gives and takes away. Is the Healer and Restorer of all things. Jesus, thank you for your grace and tender mercies. The way you love and take care of your children. The way you never leave their side.

-- it is well --

he refreshes, he restores my soul {psalm 23}

- one of the photos i took during my first time seeing the pacific ocean a few weeks ago, fell absolutely in love. going to be beach is a religious experience. felt baptized by the water. surrounded and reminded of how beautiful and big is our god.

He has restored me.

I feel rested. I feel renewed. I feel restored, healed, made whole. I do not understand all the ways the Lord provides, all the ways in which He truly meets His children wherever they're at, comforts them, lets them be angry and throw a fit when they need to and love them all the same, but He does. He isn't afraid of my anger, frustration, questioning, disappointment in Him, He longs for me to just come to Him, with my hurting and broken heart, just as I am. I still find it odd and strangely puzzling, yet so totally God that the feelings and things we're often most afraid to voice, admit and bring to Him, are often the very vehicle that leads us to the pathway of healing and peace. "Our wounds have to be shared to be healed," He sees and knows our broken hearts. He longs for us to quit trying to be strong, act like we have it all together, constantly profess unbroken faith and hope in Him and simply admit when we are weary. He has restored me. In more ways than one. "Yes, You are my God of great faithfulness, my Jehovah Jireh, my God of unfailing, everlasting love." Father, Jesus, I thank you. Thank you for saving a wretch like me. Again and again and again. I don't know where I'd be without your grace.

-- our wounds have to be shared to be healed --

Ironically enough, getting out of the feelings, all the yuck and hard within my heart that I can sometimes feel ashamed to feel, or ashamed to let others see, doing so led to being healed. I was reminded of this as I was chatting with Ben and realized I already felt lighter. I already felt this heaviness and weight lifted, and again as I was washing dishes and doing a few other things and being able to engage with the world again, feel like myself again, the smolten anger no longer burning like a raging fire within. I realized in that, something I deeply value and believe, but somehow had forgotten. How important it is to acknowledge and deal with all we are feeling, how the feelings we're afraid will overcome us if we let ourselves feel them fully, are the very vehicle that leads to our souls being free, of us moving past those emotions to where we can come to a new place and encounter god in the midst. While I do process and acknowledge my emotions alone and with my husband and friends, there was something about me posting it more publicly that I needed to do. I don't know why and I can't explain it. Part of me facing and choosing to no longer let these fears and insecurities control me. I found that as I shared, as I acknowledged and typed out all I feel I couldn't share, in the process, I was healed, restored, made whole again. My heart is still tender, my emotions still raw, yet He is healing and has healed me. "Our wounds [truly do] need to be shared to be healed."