How deep the Father's love...

"Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom..."

::

"I love you, LORD, my strength.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge."

:: psalm 18:1-2

::

Wow, I don't really know where to begin. The last three to four weeks have been a separate journey all within themselves. I have been writing up a storm and loving every minute of it and am knee deep in a ton of different journeys right now. It has been nothing short of INVIGORATING.

Finally, having some time to focus some of those energies on here again, realizing I can't do both. Sometimes there's too much processing going on to write on here and process in other ways. Sometimes, it's the opposite, writing on here when there's a lot going on is critical. Sometimes on here and sometimes for other purposes or shared elsewhere and sometimes I share with friends face to face and have enjoyed a lot of quality time with people lately. But regardless of which one it is, when there's a lot going on in life, I write. Simply because it is crucial that I do not shut down my heart. And the last few weeks, the Lord has taken me on journeys through my heart and His that I could not begin to explain if I tried.

This week up until Wednesday night and Thursday was hard, just feeling down and facing a number of challenging situations, but I knew after such high highs the lows were most likely going to hit sometime sooner or later.

But, even in the hardship a few days this week, overall, the joy and the life and the movement of all He is doing in my life lately and even all along this journey... has put the rough days in perspective.

A concept that has been so freeing for me at different times in the last couple of years, has been learning and re-learning my limits, that I have them and that they are GOOD. HEALTHY. A concept that has forced me time and time again, to learn and re-learn, who I AM and who I am NOT. These revelations continue to be more and more freeing and ushering me into life at greater depths and deeper meaning.

For example, with limits, (something I never felt I had if you asked me a few years ago), I am a finite being. With a finite amount of emotional energy. With a finite amount of time. And with a finite amount of what I'm able to do or accomplish in a day or prioritize in a week. I am not God. Only GOD is infinite. Only God has an unlimited supply of love, energy, strength, power, peace, grace, words, time, etc.

All of last week, not this but last week, I spent the ENTIRE week writing and it was truly exhilarating. I loved and enjoyed every minute of it.

BUT, with needing to focus my energies on writing and working on a few projects, blogging and a few other things had to wait for a bit, as all my emotional, spiritual, physical energies had to go into working on those projects. Also, have had a lot of good times with the people I'm so blessed to have in my life. So have been living more in the moment and just being with the people right in front of me and living, sharing, processing life together face to face.

::

I have been writing up a storm lately and am feeling more and more alive and experienced my God in ways I wish I could try to explain.

One of those projects was working on a testimony to share at church last Saturday.

We did a two-week series on Joy, focusing on the book of Philippians and to be honest, when John (one of our pastors) asked me if I could share a bit about how God has allowed me to find and battle for joy in the midst of what's been going on lately, I think it's pretty safe to say I was less than thrilled.

In fact, after thinking and praying about it for about three weeks, I finally felt like I had wrestled with God about all the reasons why I felt literally sick to my stomach about the thought of getting up there and sharing in the midst of our grief and not knowing if emotionally if I could do it. But as the weeks progressed, God began leading me on this new journey, the last three to four weeks of something new. Something I can't even describe.

Then I felt, well, maybe I am in a place where I could do it.

But I still had PAGES in my journal filled of all the reasons why I still didn't have a good feeling about it.

So, thinking I had finally made peace with my decision to say no, thanks for asking but I'm going to have to decline this time around, a couple Saturdays ago (a week before they wanted me to share), when I told John and Hoops my decision.

My no was respected and received well. And I had moved on.

Till something called the Holy Spirit wrestled with me all SATURDAY night nearly into the ground. I got up at like 4:25 in the morning and said, FINE, I'll write. But I'm not making any promises...

I spent the next five hours writing the message I felt GOD wanted others to hear. He literally wrote through me and gave me every single word. And it was hilarious that as I've been working on a health update email off and on the last 4-5 months but as fluid as this illness has been and how much changes and happens in a week, I haven't been able to send it yet or have had to keep updated with a smaller group of people. Well, those times of writing that sometimes felt wasted, all paid off because I realized I had been writing this testimony really the last several months. I took 3-4 pages straight from what I had been processing already and was so grateful.

I was grateful that God did not allow me to shut down my heart in this journey. It could have been really easy to, but He has rescued me from that and given me words to voice what this season has looked like and brought into my life.

More of God and more of life than I knew was possible. It reminded me that HEART matters and God has fought so hard for my heart, knowing that if that were to go, I would begin to fade pretty soon along with it.

But I digress, so later in thinking more about sharing, I realized more of what my reservations were rooted in, and called John to discuss all of those with him as well as ask for a few conditions.

But before I get to those, I realized that one of the biggest things that was hooking me every time I thought about it, was that I did not want to be another mouthpiece telling people to just “put on joy.”

I didn't want to perpetuate the message the Church as a whole, as many of us experienced either growing up or in churches throughout our life, that church is a place where you wear a mask. Where you hide your true feelings. Or that being a Christian meant you had to be happy all the time, as I learned most of my life from my experiences with church in the past.

Where the depth of conversations after the service week after week went along the lines of this, “Hi, how ya doing?” “Fine, how are you doing?” “Fine.” “Oh, good, yup everything is going just fine, yup we're all doing JUST fine...”

And, you're like, “Wait... what am I even saying? That's not true... That's not how I really feel or how I'm doing...” I hated that. I mean that mask is SUFFOCATING... Because we ALL know that is not how life is... In all of that I learned that it WASN'T okay, for me to NOT be okay... and that I always had to HAVE this “joy” I would always hear about, or be happy.

And so I even started my testimony just being honest about my reservations in sharing because I know I am not the only one who has faced that tension, as I shared,

But, like me, many of you have probably also found that we can't live like that for very long... I mean, none of us here tonight, are immune to the reality, that sometimes, life is just hard...

SO, that was my biggest reservation with doing it. Along with not wanting to be the Rock's poster child for joy lol. Or by any means come across as if this is something I have totally got down, no my friends, but am IN THE PROCESS of learning and wrestling with. As I told John when I called him Sunday.

I also told him, you know, one of the most difficult things in this is feeling misunderstood. Like, a lot of the colleges students in our ministry don't really know what to make of all of this or why they don't see us at everything anymore, or why we have to come late and leave early often. And because that has been wounding, the LAST thing I want shared or perceived by some of students who have felt “abandoned” by me or us, is to hear me up there talking about how I've found JOY in the midst of my challenges... and have them think, “OH, Mazvita must be ENJOYING this...”

Which we all know is so not the case. I mean, when we're looking at just the physical realities of this... Who would want to experience chronic physical pain or go battle an unknown illness for 9 ½ months, one that has been completely debilitating, unpredictable and totally changed nearly every aspect of my life?

But, you know what it came down to. I am not IN CONTROL of what people may think or feel. They are entitled to their own feelings and opinions and interpretations, but I don't have to be controlled by them.

I don't have to own their emotions, that I am SECURE in the hands of my Father. That HE is my Advocate and Defender. I don't have to waste time and energy trying to make people understand or as one of my mentors always says, “It is not YOUR JOB to make it okay for everyone...” I love that. And, that people don't have to understand for me to be okay, for me to have peace.

For my peace, my strength... as Jeremiah says, is not dependent on them or their level of empathy or understanding or how much they like or dislike me. I'm not living for them. I'm living for my King. My confidence and my trust is in HIM.

This new found security in Him has brought joy. Has brought freedom.

Where I can still acknowledge the emotions and the hurt, but they affect me much differently now.

So one of my conditions was that I could be BRUTALLY honest about the road and the battle for joy. That I could show a moment, as Hoops asked, where finding joy in the midst of these challenges really clicked, became most real.

I wanted to be brutally honest about the mess of it all, of conflicting emotions, doubt and anger towards God, yet also, sometimes even simultaneously, show the joy and the peace and the freedom born in the depths of such anguish.

To show how this God has allowed me to truly TASTE and SEE that He is good. To how my loving Father has led me to places where I have truly been able to "experience a God that is good even when life isn't," as Matt Rogers says.

I wanted to be honest. Be true to myself, true to God. To share my heart. And to share a slice of what this journey has been like.

::

You know, after writing it all out that morning and working and tweaking it throughout the week, I came to a place on Thursday, when the first round of attacks hit, of course, as expected just a couple days before I would share....

I realized that it was an honor to be able to share.

That I was simply being given the opportunity to share GOD'S story... of what He DOES and IS doing in the life of one of His children. God's Story through the life of a girl named Mazvita.

That's all.
Plain and simple.

That this was truly HIS story... this was truly how HE desired to reveal Himself and be most glorified in my life right now, by allowing this illness to be something that brings HIM glory.

Amen.

I mean, isn't that really what this is?

SO so SO many times in this, even from my first few times in the ER and coming home trying to recover and re-adjust from the fires of the hospital... I would be reminded that it was not about me.

::

I remember some moments asking myself, in those times when I felt, what is happening to my life? What if I only have a few more months to live? God, I just realize how precious life is, I want to grow old, have children, live my life loving you and loving my husband, loving your people, serving others, going to places and doing things I only dreamed of... there is so much more I want to experience here.

Lord, I know that my life is about you, but please, don't take me yet.

I remember in those moments coming back to what I am here for. Why I was made. What is my purpose.

To glorify You.
To bring YOU glory...

And I remember in those moments when something clicked. Something started churning deep within me and brought so much peace...

If my life is about YOU, Lord. Loving you, getting to know You more, becoming more like Your Son, and glorifying You...

Then, WHO am I, the CLAY... to say to the POTTER...

"No, that's not how it's supposed to look."

I mean, stay with me here... who am I, the creature, the created... to say to the CREATOR...

"No, it's supposed to go like this..."

I mean, really!?

It was then, about 2-3 weeks into this, when I had to miss a women's retreat I'd spent months planning and working on with my rock star team of divas... that I realize...

That if the PURPOSE of my life is to bring glory to God... that can happen whether I am healthy or sick... but because right now, these ARE the circumstances I am in... that for right now, maybe the BEST way that the Lord could be MOST glorified in my life is in this sickness.

That maybe the BEST way for others to see not ME, but HIM in my life... is through this...

WHO am I, the CLAY... to say to the POTTER... Lord, THIS is how YOUR will can best be accomplished in my life. Here is how, if we just stick to the script, that You can make me more like Your Son...

Healthy or sick, my purpose is the same. My life is about the same. That in EVERY circumstance and situation... God has a plan.

His plans are not thwarted by the physical realities of life, such as car accidents, illnesses, a town being devastated by a hurricane, loved ones lost in a plane crash... in the end, our God will triumph. In the end, He works ALL things for good.

It doesn't HAVE to feel good right now, or even BE good right now but this is the truth. God has a plan. He will ALWAYS work for our good. He is faithful. All-knowing and All-powerful, mighty to save.

::

You know, a couple weeks ago, actually before coming to peace with sharing part of what God is doing in front of the church, I was looking for a particular verse but my Bible flipped open to one of my favorite passages and actually, as I learned growing up, a family psalm for my mother and her family growing up, as my grandfather was a Methodist minister and often preached from this text, and I glanced upon those beautiful and familiar words...

As the psalmist declares,

“The LORD... is my shepherd...”

And I just stopped there. I realized He was leading me. He was guiding me. He would give me all that I would need. There was nothing I was lacking. And kept reading through, “He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.”

AHH, more words that brought comfort, relief and peace... He makes me, He leads me, He restores me...

But then the next few lines suddenly seemed to nearly leap off the page.

I realized I had never read this psalm in this particular version, Today's New International Version (TNIV),
in other versions, the second half of verse three after “He restores or refreshes my soul” reads,

"He guides me in the paths of righteousness, For His name's sake." (NASB)

But, I slowly read the words this time as,

"He guides me along the RIGHT PATHS... for His name's sake."

Wait, what, is that what I really just saw or did I make that up, I thought.

Did I think I saw “right” when really it said “righteousness?”

No, as I looked again and let those words sink in... "He guides me along the right paths..

My heart became more and more consumed with this peace... A peace that truly does guard our hearts and minds and surpass all understanding.

He guides me along the RIGHT PATHS... not the wrong ones. Which must mean this is the right one.

So even though, at times in this situation or other situations, when things are going awry and I cannot for the LIFE of my fathom how God somehow got things wrong thing time, or wait, God, I know that you are “in control” but really, do you see all that is happening right now?! SURELY, this is the WRONG path!!!

But, I read, He guides me along the RIGHT paths...So even if this way seems like the WRONG path or the wrong way sometimes, it is not.

He is LEADING and GUIDING me. Now. In this. I love how this psalm is all written in the present tense.It speaks to that of a LIVING God.

Not just one somewhere far off in the sky who is not present or active in our lives and our circumstances. No, it speaks to a loving God who will never leave our side.

He does not promise that in this life we will not have trouble, but He DOES promise, that when the waters rise, they will not sweep over us, when we walk through fire, we will not be burned.

These words speaks to a God who promises He will never LEAVE us, no matter what we are going through or how far away He can seem sometimes or the times He feels most silent.

He is there. Closer than our very breath, and more real than anything we can see, feel, hear, taste or touch.

As I was pondering all of this, the last few words of the verse kept circulating in my mind.

He guides me along the right paths... WHY?

For. HIS. Name's sake. PERIOD.
For HIS glory.

For the SAKE of His BEAUTIFUL name... He guides me in this.

He guides me in circumstances that with a quick glance looking in from the outside, would be anything but the RIGHT path to the quick observer.

But as we look much deeper.

As we take into account God's character, who He is and what He is about...

it begins to all make sense.

He is leading me through this path, through this journey of dealing with a physical illness, so that not me, but HE may be GLORIFIED.

So that HE receives ALL the glory. So that there would be a power at work that is a giant arrow that points directly to Him.

That not for my name, but for preserving the true meaning and nature of His glorious name, whether sick or healthy, He would be raised up and lifted high in me, in this situation, in my life and in this journey.

Be glorified, Lord.

For your love is truly better than life, my lips will glorify you.
Let the bones you have broken, REJOICE. For You alone are God and You alone are good.

Yes, I love you, Lord, my strength. For You alone are my rock, my refuge, my strength.

For I am learning that your goodness goes much deeper than pleasure or pain, but that it embraces them both.
Be glorified in me. Be glorified.

Yes, how deep... the Father's love for us... that you brought us up from death into new life.
That you rescued us because you delighted in us.

Yes, Lord, blessed be Your Name.

He rescued me because he delighted in me.

"I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom...

But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection...

His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished..."

"I love you, LORD, my strength.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.

My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
I have been saved from my enemies.

The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

The cords of the grace coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.

From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears...

::

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,

But the LORD was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place;

he rescued me because he delighted in me.

You, LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.

With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall.

As for God, his way is perfect:
The LORD’s word is flawless;
he shields all who take refuge in him.

For who is God besides the LORD?
And who is the Rock except our God?

It is God who arms me with strength
and keeps my way secure.

He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he causes me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

You make your saving help my shield,
and your right hand sustains me;
your help has made me great.

You provide a broad path for my feet,
so that my ankles do not give way.

I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
I crushed them so that they could not rise;
they fell beneath my feet.

You armed me with strength for battle;
you humbled my adversaries before me.
You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
and I destroyed my foes.

They cried for help, but there was no one to save them—
to the LORD, but he did not answer...

::

The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God my Savior!

Therefore I will praise you, LORD, among the nations;
I will sing the praises of your name.

He gives his king great victories;
he shows unfailing love to his anointed,
to David and to his descendants forever."

-- Psalm 18: 1-6, 16-19, 28-41, 46, 49-50

the blessedness of communion

Man, one of the things I love about communion, as I was reminded last night at our Praise, Worship and Communion service, is that communion, is a time to celebrate and remember. Together. Celebrate this amazing God and this incredible Savior and how blessed we are for simply belonging to them.

To remember how precious of a gift we have been given. The gift of a life lived in Him. Of a Savior who bore the weight of our sin on the cross, who gave His life that we would see light.

That we would be given, not what we deserve but receive GRACE. And a love that surpasses understanding.

It is crazy when you think about it. Take eat, this is my body and my blood shed for you.

Yes, Our Savior said long ago and says still today,

“Yes, you are worth dying for. I love you more.”

everything i once held dear

EVERYTHING I ONCE HELD DEAR I COUNT IT ALL AS LOSS.

I find it interesting that in a season where it can seem so much was taken away, that instead of finding I have less, I have more.

That I am richer.
Not poorer.

Not WITHOUT, but WITH.

Having everything, yet possessing nothing, as Paul explains it.

There is a simplicity that has been brought into my life through this sickness. A simplicity that is refreshing. That has brought peace. A simplicity that has been nothing but a gift.

Life is much slower now, but fuller.

One of the biggest blessings along with simplicity, has been having the gift of time. More time to spend on things that really matter. More time to love and be loved. More time and more ways to share life and share His love with others, out of the abundance of this love I have received from God every moment of every day in this. Of a God who has been so good to me in this.

“But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ... because of the surpassing worth of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord...”

These words leaped from the page and straight into my heart as I've been pondering them the last couple weeks. Words that with everything in me, I can say, yes. That's exactly how I feel. That's exactly what this has been like.

That is exactly, what the Lord has done...

Paul says,

“But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ... because of the surpassing worth of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord..."

Why? For the surpassing worth of KNOWING Him... everything else pales in comparison... the surpassing worth... for the sake of none other than my Christ.

These words have been paramount to me lately.

In a time where it would seem I have nothing. I find I have everything. All that I need. And more.

Find that, I am blessed.

Something only His power and His grace can accomplish. That there would be more of Him and more of life revealed to me in this time.

Where the Lord is near. We are told, blessed are the poor in spirit, and I can say, yes, they truly are blessed, for the Lord is holding me so incredibly near. Showing up in ways each day that simply amaze me. Loving me and carrying me through.

There is no room for sympathy here. Pity has no place here.

What it seems I have lost, I have found.
Life as I once knew it may be gone, but life as I never knew has been found.
Resurrected. Transformed.

For in every death there is a resurrection.

And there has to be death before there can be new life.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit..." yes, I find sympathy almost confusing. While grief has its place and we are not able to escape the reality or fail to acknowledge the reality that we are still walking through a season of grief... but we have found, even in those deaths there can be rejoicing.

In our sorrows, there are joys that are so much sweeter.

In our grief, I have found that we can truly experience, taste and see a God who is GOOD, even when life isn't, as Matt Rogers says.

In our suffering, I found that there is incredible power and tremendous purpose in this season. Not just later, but now. A gift we can have and share now. And find that we are truly blessed. In our tears, in our struggles and our failures, in our moments of exasperation and losing hope, in the moments we feel like giving up, in our times we have held one another and clung to only the promises of our Lord, in our victories, in our moments of pressing on, in our laughter, in our moments of relief.

In all, joy or pain, we are blessed.

Blessed because there is a beauty in the mystery of our Lord and Savior that in any season, whether in plenty or in want, in sickness or in health, there is always more to Him, more to His love, His character, His ways, and more to life than we once knew.

Yes, for whatever I once considered gain, I count it all as loss... for the surpassing worth of knowing Jesus, my Christ, My Savior and Redeemer. Who lives. Is alive. Present. Who is here with me now. Whose light shines in this present darkness, and never fades.

::

“But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.

What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage (those things that seemed to matter so much),

that I may gain Christ and be found in him.

Not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.

I want to KNOW Christ – yes, to know the power of his resurrection and share in (participate in) his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.

Not that I have already attained all this, or have already arrived at my goal,

but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me... Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.

But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

:: Philippians 3:7-10, 12-14

SAVIOR I COME, QUIET MY SOUL. REMEMBER REDEMPTION'S HILL WHERE YOUR BLOOD WAS SPILLED FOR MY RANSOM...EVERYTHING I ONCE HELD DEAR I COUNT IT ALL AS LOSS. LEAD ME TO THE CROSS WHERE YOUR LOVE POURED OUT. BRING ME TO MY KNEES, LORD I LAY ME DOWN. RID ME OF MYSELF, I BELONG TO YOU. O LEAD ME, LEAD ME TO THE CROSS. YOU WERE AS I, TEMPTED AND TRIED, HUMAN. THE WORD BECAME FLESH, BORE MY SIN IN DEATH, NOW YOU'RE RISEN. TO YOUR HEART, LEAD ME TO YOUR HEART... Hillsong United, "Lead me to the Cross

Home is where you feel most alive, part 1

"Home is not where you first lived,

but where you feel most alive."

THURSDAY WAS LIKE A COMING HOME EXPERIENCE. It is crazy that just a couple days ago I wrote about my first experiences in small groups in Woodcrest's women's ministries, to think of how different things are today.

Thursday was one of those days where I just loved being a woman.

The last couple weeks when I was mostly home bound again, I wasn't able to go to small group on Thursday mornings and realized how much I missed that time, I love hearing whoever is up next as an opening speaker each week, it seems each week there is someone who gets up there who has secretly been reading my journal or was able to read my heart, I am always amazed at how God speaks to me in those times with those women.

But, more than anything, after the large group meeting for that week's speaker, and we all go our separate ways to our various small group Bible or book studies, I have LOVED the small group this semester.

If the first small group meeting was any indicator of what we had in store for the semester, I tell you what, it has only gotten better each time.

I always leave feeling empowered.

I got up yesterday morning and felt like my body had been hit by a truck. Nothing was feeling right, my legs were already numb and tingling, everything was tight and already spasming, there was no way.

I finally fought through it and decided, you know what, I'm going. So Ben took me, after telling me a million times it was okay that him taking me meant he was going to be late for a meeting at work.

He knew as much as I did, that I just needed to go.

Being with these women is like water to my soul. I felt like I hadn't even been gone, we all just jumped right back in and when I got there, everyone was asking me how I was doing, this and that about health stuff and I was just like, all I know is that I'm here. I made it. And I just really missed you guys.

I was reminded, home is where you always have your place.

Just how I love coming home to Ben or as he reminded me this morning when I was in the living room when he came home from work and dropped his bags at the doorstep just to give me a hug, he said, “Do you know how much I love coming home to you?”

Home is where you are missed.

I realized more than missing small group time, I just missed my friends. Even though sometimes in this season I have longed for a lot of my close friends who now live out of town, to be here and be able to walk through this season with me, the days when I'm having a meltdown and just need someone to come over, a girl, to just sit and let me cry (as my husband is GREAT at this and I love being married to someone who values emotional processing as much as I do), we ALL know, married and single women alike know the truth, that there are times when you just need your girls... nothing can replace our need for female relationships, though it may look different in different seasons, we all still know, sometimes you just need your girls!

But sometimes because these relationships are so new, they can be exhausting. Not that THEY (the people) are, but the energy that must be put into building new relationships, and sometimes when you're in seasons that are challenging, you just want someone who already knows all the back story and you share a history with. But even though they are new, they are still valuable relationships. And it felt good to have the feeling returned, that they also missed me.

::

I don't think there has ever been a time where I have been so keenly reminded of how much we all need community. I remember coming back from the honeymoon and as Ben and I were met with the unwelcome return of this illness in full force again, it seemed too sharp a dichotomy. We had just spent the last two weeks with most of our best friends and family, we had day full of celebration and love on our wedding day and of course, a blast on the honeymoon.

It seemed too quick for the party to be over.

Grief made its welcome return and greeted us at our doorstep. I remember the nights we ate dinner in our living room just staring at all our unopened wedding gifts. We barely had enough energy to get through the day, let alone figure out a time to open gifts together.

As my condition grew worse and more and more grief set in, we realized we needed people, we needed community again, this time at greater depths than before.

I started going to the women's bible study, led by a couple other fellow staff women and will never forget walking in for the first time. I realized it was the first time I was at a Rock event in four months. (Well, if we don't count my wedding).

It was so weird. It was so jarring to be there, it seemed life had stopped for us, but life kept going for everyone else. And I was four months behind.

But, God has provided the community we need. And continuing to go to Bible study this summer, even though I left many times in tears feeling like an outsider of a church I have been a part of for eight years, eventually it got easier. And now months later, Ben and I feel transitioned back into our Rock community, though it looks different for us still in this season.

And my small group of women at Woodcrest this semester has been nothing short of a Godsend.

I felt like I was coming back home.

It didn't matter how much time had passed or how long I had been gone. I was welcomed. Received. And left feeling more alive again. More whole, more myself. And more in love with this amazing God who so abundantly provides for His children in all things, out of the glorious riches of His mercy and grace...

to be continued...

*Photo above of one of my best buddies, Olivia Vitale, during her time in Burkina Faso. As I was looking through photos to figure out which one I felt best fit with this post, this one kept coming to mind. In her nine month stay, Burkina and these children became her home and still are today, a place where she truly felt alive.

Home is where you feel most alive, part 2

Home is where we feel we belong.
Where we feel loved and accepted.
Missed. Treasured and valued.

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME. After our first small group meeting in September I remember walking out feeling like I had just gained 12 more women to travel on this journey with. And yesterday was no exception.

I left feeling, like so many times before, just struck by their beauty.

Struck by His beauty and His grace and His faithfulness.

It just astounded me again as we were discussing or not discussing the chapters from the book, yet laughing here, teasing one another there, crying here, sharing our hearts there...

But what has astounded me the most, week after week, as we've been digging in deep with Beth Moore in this vast land of insecurities we ALL as women face... we have become more secure women.

To see the strength and the growth in not just a few, but every single one of us in there, who came in all in different places and still are learning and growing in different places, yet we are all DIFFERENT women.

I thought it was ironic, but as I was driving around processing as I always do after group time, I started laughing to myself when this hit me...

We walked in as insecure women, ashamed and kind of embarrassed to talk about our insecurities, yet now, when we share our insecurities or how one area we have experienced freedom from our insecurities that week, as we each share real life examples, not from a few weeks or years ago, but from TODAY, or yesterday, or a few hours ago...

Now, we BOLDLY share our insecurities, unashamedly, as SECURE women!! And we're even able to LAUGH at ourselves now as we see more of the triggers and the little things DAILY that can bring on a case of insecurity.

That is only of the Lord because the mountains that have been moved would have never budged in our own strength.

He has met us on this journey, surprised us with the liberty that is released in our hearts when we grow less attached to finding our security, worth, value, identity, in anything else but Him.

::

My prayer has become, as more and more each day the Lord is shattering what Search for Significance calls the satanic formula the Enemy so cunningly leads us to believe,

that our self-worth = our performance + the opinions of others...

My prayer each day has been,

Lord, let me find my security, my worth, my value, my strength, my hope, my identity... in You.

This has been my prayer for a few special ladies in my life as well.

I have been blessed to still be connected with my same group of core group (our word for small group) girlies of college girls from our church from last year. They have continued to come over on Sunday mornings for breakfast, as we normally did either at my place or out somewhere last fall, but when I got sick in the spring, and could no longer do core group, the girls still came over to visit, bring me breakfast, help me with wedding things I wasn't able to do, everything from putting together invitations, addressing, stamping, licking envelopes, whatever needed done, dishes, laundry, errands, they blew me away. Especially in a generation that is more and more consumed with self. To see young people serving others, sadly, has become a rarity.

To be served by them in that time still means so much to me today. That when I felt I had nothing to give, they gave me so much without hesitation, but took so much joy in being able to serve me.

Well, when they asked this fall, in some of the times they would come over just to hang out, if we could keep the same core group this year, after thinking and praying about it, and realizing that since I have been able to have different groups of girls or one girl over nearly every Sunday since school started, that it seemed that was one of very few things that I could ACTUALLY commit to. These women have been such a joy in my life and were the highlight of my year last year.

The girls in the group were a mix of a couple girls who were new to the Rock, but not freshman, but then was mostly comprised of freshman girls last year who are now are big and bad sophomores, pretty much running the place now. Each week we have ended with writing a new verse on a lovely piece of scrapbook paper to take home.

The Lord impressed upon my heart one day, as I was thinking and praying for these girls, girls who are full of life, passion and purpose, as I was like, God, what do these girls, what do we all NEED?

And the words, “to be deeply rooted” came to mind. So as I shared with the girls the first time, I told them, you know in the last few months, I have felt a critical need to be more deeply rooted in God and His word. That's my prayer for us as well, ladies.

These girls are nothing short of amazing. They are going places. As I always tell them, they are going to change the world. They are ambitious, spunky, and filled with no fear. The best way I can love and serve these ladies, as God put on my heart, was to give them tools for the journey now and ahead.

It reminds me of an old proverb and something that always reminds me of Breck, a woman who God used and STILL uses, to have a tremendous impact on my life, a woman who mentored me, her and her husband, Brian, in my time in college when they lived here. I was reminded how their lives still speak to me NOW, as we're still close though we live miles away...

Breck and Brian didn't just come into my life and tell me about God, or what to change and try to fix all my problems. No, what sticks out to me the most is that they didn't give me a fish when I was hungry. They taught me HOW to fish, as the old proverb says,

“Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day... Teach a man how to fish, you feed him for a lifetime...”

I have prayed time and time again.... God, help me to be a part of the work you are already doing in the lives of these young women, and use me to teach them how to fish, how to run this race for a lifetime.

As I was thinking about all of this, instead of needing to know how to do that, all I needed was to go on the conviction that we need to be deeply rooted in Him. No matter the season. For without Him, we can do nothing.

And in the various places and things God has been speaking to me about, this insecurity thing is a big deal. It keeps us from being more fully the women God CREATED us to be. We don't just need security or a little of our dignity back.

As Beth Moore says, we need healing.

A healing only He can bring, as He inch by inch, restores and renews our souls...

to be continued...

Home is where you feel most alive, part 3

IT HAS BEEN A BLESSING to have these women in my small group at Woodcrest to walk with, not just in theory, but truly walk through this with me/us.

It is funny as I was writing in my Glee post a couple days ago, I remember all of that, but it is crazy how different it is now.

I realized yesterday, I don't have hardly any of those feelings anymore. I also feel that with this semester's focus for the large women's ministry as a whole, titled “Soul-deep security,” that in a group of women, there is nothing that will knock all the walls down faster than to talk about our insecurities.

Because, as my leaders say,

"If you're going to sit here and try and tell us that you don't have any insecurities, well then, there is the door."

I love it.

I have realized what a true need it is for us to be around people who speak to our souls. Who speak the SAME language, where you're on the same wavelength and where you just GET each other.

One of the things I love about each of the women in our group is that we are all from all ages, stages of life, etc all ends of the spectrum, but as this is my fifth small group within this women's ministry, I have never been in a group that had such a natural connection... and one you would have not seen coming. As most of us didn't know each other before.

I realized too, that different from two years ago, I don't feel young there anymore.

I just feel like another woman.
We're all on the same playing field.

We are all broken, we all struggle, none of us are perfect, we all have insecurities, we all have faith, we all have doubt, we all have moments of weakness, yet we are also all strong.

More than just feeling like another woman. I feel fully HUMAN around them.

Because really, that's all we're asked to be. More fully human and allow Christ to make us more and more like Himself.

One thing I also realized was that I feel I can relate more to them, not because I am now married, because before, I was always usually the one or one of two single women in a small group, but I find it easier to relate now in the day to day things because I am living a lifestyle very similar to many of their lifestyles, as stay at home moms.

I've always loved hanging out with my “mom” friends as I call them and being the girl that loves their kids or the one they all would vicariously live through, as they always felt my life and being on the go like I was, was so much more exciting.

But their lives ARE just as exciting, and I have found mine still good, still exciting as well, even though it looks so different.

I also feel I can relate more because I would always marvel at these women... It's like once all the kids are checked into childcare and they've gotten their cup of tea or coffee from the lobby and found their seats with their friends, all decked out and looking way too cute for 9 in the morning... there is a buzz in the room that creates so much energy... a buzz of, I AM FREE! A feeling I find myself getting anytime I am out of the house as well too.

Lol. So many of the ladies, as one of them told me a while back, say of their hours of "freedom," sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself.

And I LOVE that.

That these women can come and have for once, no one fighting for their attention or asking for more water or if they can go outside to play or, and the list goes on and on. I love that for once, even if for just two hours, it can be about them.

And it can be FOR them.

They don't have to be the marshal of grand central station, answering this phone call, while feeding the 8 month old their bottle, trying to hunt down matching socks for their five year as they're already running late for school, while at the same time trying to scarf down their breakfast.

I mean, I have said it once but I will say it again, I have THE utmost respect for moms. Whether you stay at home or work, it is job that never ends. You are nothing short of superheroes.

That being said, strangely enough, I feel like them in so many more ways now.

(And no, I know what you are beginning to think, so I will just come out and say it... NO, there is no baby on the way, we hope and PRAY to GOD:), we do want children some day, but not now. I never thought I would be like this, frankly right now I am ENJOYING this time with my husband and living married life, and dating and getting married were already enough of an adjustment, kids can wait a while, plus we're on a five year plan. :) Now, that I've got that off my chest lol)

But, okay like I was saying, now that I have less going on, I actually have time in the week to keep up with all the reading. And am not trying to read it at 2 in the morning when I got home Wednesday night when I have to be there the next day at 9 am.

I actually have time to read and soak it all in and ENJOY it. It's not last on the list with all the reading and writing papers for the seminary class all of our staff go through at Woodcrest, or being just completely emotionally drained from the week from the world of campus ministry, or all the other things that would crowd out reading for small group.

And, now that I go to be much earlier now, I also get up much earlier. Now 9 am isn't early anymore. It's after I have already been up and moving, and sometimes even have ENERGY for two hours. And, much like these women, it is one of my big outings for the week. I look forward to Thursday mornings and get excited just getting ready, having somewhere to go that I love going to and getting all decked out on occasion as well, too.

But, as I shared this yesterday in group, as we each had to share what our passion was, one of the discussion questions on living beyond ourselves. And I shared with them that you know, it's kinda crazy...

to be continued...