The Descent

“SUPPOSE THERE WAS A KING who loved a humble maiden,” begins a story by Kierkegaard.

The king was like no other king. Every statesman trembled before his power. No one dared breathe a word against him, for he had the strength to crush all opponents. Yet this mighty king was melted by love for a humble maiden.

How could he declare his love for her? In an odd sort of way, his very kingliness tied his hands. If he brought her to the palace and crowned her head with jewels and clothed her body in royal robes, she would surely not resist—no one dared resist him. But would she love him?

She would say she loved him, of course, but would she truly? Or would she live with him in fear, nursing a private grief for the life she had left behind. Would she be happy at his side? How could he know?

If he rode to her forest cottage in his royal carriage, with an armed escort waving bright banners, that too would overwhelm her. He did not want a cringing subject. He wanted a lover, an equal. He wanted her to forget that he was a king and she a humble maiden and to let shared love cross over the gulf between them.

“For it is only in love that the unequal can be made equal,” concluded Kierkegaard. The king, convinced he could not elevate the maiden without crushing her freedom, resolved to descend. He clothed himself as a beggar and approached her cottage incognito, with a worn cloak fluttering loose about him. It was no mere disguise, but a new identity he took on. He renounced the throne to win her hand."

- Excerpt from Phillip Yancey's Disappointment with God

God wants this same relationship with us. He didn't want a relationship with us, like the king and the maiden, to live in the uncertainty of not knowing whether the pursued truly returned the affection or not. He didn't want a people He would force to love Him. No, he risked His heart and chose to clear all the obstacles standing in the way between us and our Lover. Not so we would be forced to love Him, but would be given the choice to respond.

To say yes.
I choose You.
I want to be in relationship with You.
To hear those words that bring tears to His eyes, as we say with all that we are, “I love you.”

And accept His precious gift of a life lived with Him.

A life full of adventure, romance and tragedy and heartache, a life full of twists and turns, a life more incredible, more exhilarating, more surprising, more of such a gift each day, the joys and even the sorrows, than we could have ever imagined.

He waits and longs to hear our “yes.”
A continual yes, that says each day, "I love You and I choose You."
A relationship and a love extended to us that asks for nothing in return.

All that He desires is our hearts. All that we are and all that we will be is enough...

::

"What Kierkegaard expressed in parable form, the apostle Paul expressed in these words about Jesus the Christ:

Who, being in the very nature God,
did not consider equality with God
something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death--
even death on a cross!

In his dealings with human beings, God had often humbled himself. I see the Old Testament as one long record of his “condescensions” (to descend to be with”). God condescended in various ways to speak to Abraham, and to Moses, and to the nation of Israel and the prophets. But no condescension could match what came next, after the four hundred years of silence. God, like the king in Kierkegaard's parable, took on a new form: he became man, It was the most shocking descent imaginable."

- Yancey, Disappointment with God

::

My eyes have been opened again to the power and the beauty of the gospel. For this captivating and life-changing story of redemption and God's unrelenting love for His people. A love that knows no limits and one that will go to great lengths just to win our heart's affection.

That God would desire relationship with so much that He would send His son in the most vulnerable and dependent of forms, that of a baby. A human. A tiny newborn baby who crushed the expectations of a king riding in with a loud and celebratory processional.

Yet one who came quietly. With no pomp and circumstance. He came simply as a baby, choosing to become man, become human, relinquishing his “rights” as deity, still possessing that power, yet also becoming fully man…. so He could have the relationship with you and me He always wanted.

He couldn't come by fire or lightening, or behind a great rock, or in a flood, or in a garden, or surrounded by a great light... for the stories in the Old Testament shout, as Philip Yancey says, even when now we wrestle with the questions:

Is God unfair? Is God silent? Or is God hidden?

Even when God was among them, it didn't stop the Israelites or the prophets or the kings to stop asking the questions. If anything, they asked them even more frequently even when they were literally IN the presence of God. So what we find here is interesting. Yancey spends the first part of the book exploring different situations in everyday life here and the disillusionment that mirrors our own that our ancestors faced in the old testament. Yet, as we find when we take a look at those, while sometimes when we're going through something difficult, we just wish we could have God step into our lives and with power part the red sea before us... yet even when God did interact with people in that manner, their faith and praise for Him resulted, but it was short-lived.

As humans, we are fickle. We often forget the blessings we received just yesterday or even this morning. All it took was the first signs of hardship for God's people in those days, as in today in our various life situations when it feels like everything in our lives is unraveling, to say, God, where ARE you? Do you hear me? Do you see me? Why are you hiding your face from me, the psalmist David cries, a man after God's own heart. Why is this happening to me? How can a good who is so good and loving, allow this suffering? This is unfair...

And our diatribes go on and on But the amazing thing is, God knows what's in our hearts before we even realize these questionings are disturbing our soul and He knows His people and knows we are prone to be short-sighted. Instead of an impatient father irritated that his child has once again split the milk in the kitchen, He patiently and tenderly embraces us in our questioning and loves the fact that the very questions seeming to confuse us about who He is, He knows have the very power to see Him more clearly. He welcomes our questioning Him. Why?

Because as I've found on this journey the last couple months where I've faced many questions about pain and suffering that were colliding with my heartfelt view of who I know and have experienced God to be... I couldn't reconcile the two.

The last few years has been a period of growing and learning how to live in the Father's affection. A time where God revealed more and more of His heart for me and allowed me to experience freedom and the delight of simple being, abba's child. It was a time where the identity I once lived under as a child was redeemed and transformed into who I really am, His. A time where in the places I could not receive love, I have been loved; and in the darkness that enveloped my past, He has and continues to ransom and redeem. A time where all that had been lost, has been and continues to be restored. Transformed. Healed.

Yet I came to a place this summer where one day something within me broke. This sickness and new lifestyle that is now the new normal, suddenly was unfair. Why, God? I questioned. Mostly grieving in the way that things like sickness, job less, heartache, and death come like a thief in the night. It didn't make sense. I couldn't reconcile the two pictures of a God that I knew loved me deeply and has never failed me and has always taken care of me, could allow me to suffer with physical pain and an illness the doctors haven't been able to pin point now in about 201 days, as it has now been just a little more than six and a half months.

But, the thing is, exploring these questions is not only something God wanted me to discover and admit to myself, but one He longed for me to explore. To wrestle with, to not be satisfied with trite answers that we have all grown up knowing and believing, but answers that failed to touch the depth of a heart that is questioning and crying out in the midst of incredible pain, physical and emotional.

God has met me on this journey. Not only met me, but ushering me into deeper parts of His character and who He really is. I remember when I resolved to deal with this issue and these questions instead of ignoring them and hoping the discomfort I had with the questions just resolved themselves, that I set out saying, you know God, there are just aspects of your character that I do not understand. But I want to. I want to know where you are in this. I want to know why you allow suffering. I want to know more than the cliche Christian answers on Romans 8:28 or James treatise on trials and considering it all joy, that people throw around so carelessly and woundingly. Answers that are in itself not wrong, but misused. Ones that ignore the fact that my heart does matter and these questions are worth diving into.

Determined and somewhat anxious. I began reading Matt Rogers' book, When Answers Aren't Enough: Experiencing God as Good When Life Isn't and that book totally disarmed me and helped me assert to myself again that these questions were good, healthy and that there is so much more to my God that I do not know. He starts in his acknowledgments saying that the two best books he's read on pain and suffering are Phillip Yancey's Disappointment with God and Where Is God When It Hurts?

So armed and ready, I headed the renew my library card to the public library that I haven't used since childhood. There were so many books I've wanted to read on this subject, that finally after being together for a year and a month, Ben rejoiced at my reclaimed love for the library.

(Quick side note, Ben is just as big a book nerd as I am. Lol, I laugh about it now because one of my “requirements” on the lists we as women tend to keep in our heads of what we'd want in a potential husband, was I wanted to marry a guy who loved to read as much as I do. Well, Ben definitely fits the bill, he is just as crazy as I am about reading 5-6 books at a time and reading books is one of the ways we share in common of how God speaks to us, so he was not at all surprised when I came home with six different books related to the problem of pain or theology on pain/suffering.

He was also happy to see I had finally broken down and decided to “lower myself” and go to the library. It is Ben's favorite hangout, place to go work on stuff or read, while we all know I am a coffee shop girl, and can't read or work on stuff in such a quiet place all day. Most of my attitude toward the library was it was kinda a "has-been," I grew up going there all the time as a kid, but luckily, it's new digs make it feel like a new place.

But with coffee shops, I just love being in a place where there's people in and out, background noise, my beloved baristas that are now my friends at all the coffee shops in town and just the community coffee shops foster and can concentrate more in that environment, so it was always a debate in our days of dating and engagement which place we would go to that day to hangout but get things that we both needed done.

Also, I protested the library because I love to write in my books, so for the last eight years of so I've been buying books. Well, the library definitely is easier on the budget and its been great to check out and read as many books as I want then go back and get new ones, what a concept, huh?!)

Anyway, God has been using these books, even ironically or not, mainly a book entitled, Disappointment with God to draw me deeper into communion with this incredible God whose Heart and Love blows me away each day more and more. He is so faithful.

I think what I love about this book is how candid Yancey is. He does not try to merely place a band-aid on a severe wound that is gushing. He acknowledges that at the root of these questions, questions that as his tagline reads, “Three questions that no one asks aloud,” what is really going on more than a critical look or heretical doubts about God and his very existence, but that what has happened when we dare to ask these questions that undoubtedly we all have wrestled with at one point, Is God fair? Is God silent? And is God hidden?

… that what has really occurred and what we're reeling from the most is a breakdown in relationship. A grieving of, maybe you're not who I thought you were. Or have I been wrong all this time? Or how do you REALLY feel about me God? Was I mistaken before? How does your love intersect with my present situation... are really some of the questions are heart is really asking.

I've encountered a God more real, more alive, more beautiful and more incredible than the God I once knew.

These books are enlightening my heart. The Lord is awakening my heart to more of who He is and restoring my hope.

What I love probably the most about Disappointment with God, is that after setting up his stance in the first few chapters, and exploring the history from the first stories in the Old Testament until now of people crying out in their disappointment with God, he then turns the tables and takes us on a journey he had with God after a friend turned their back on God and Yancey wanted to dive deeper into this seething disappointment that not only hinders many, but can be the death of many people's belief in and relationship with God.

He saw something different in exploring these interactions between God and His people in the Old Testament... He comes to a place, and has spent the last few chapters exploring this concept, okay, we all know what it feels like, as humans, to suffer, to endure pain or a challenge in your life that just does not make sense... but what about asking, how does it feel to be God?

How does it feel to be the Father of a child you see day in, day out suffering from physical pain that has limited nearly every area of her life, and one whose tears have been her food day and night, and one who knows she is loved but can't understand how this suffering fits into this love for His child?

Yancey dares to ask, just think. What does it feel like to be God? To see your people, your Beloved, time and time again use their circumstances as a barometer of whether they are loved or not? Or people who will not simply turn to you for all that they need but insist on relying on themselves, even when you provide for them manna each and everyday.

I have met a different Father in these pages. God is opening wide my heart also. Encouraging me and inviting me deeper still. Deeper into His heart for me. Deeper into just how much he loves you and me. Deeper into the mystery and the beauty of the gospel. Deeper into His word, which has been made more alive to me than ever, word that has become flesh. Deeper into communion with the only One whose voice and approval and opinion matters, deeper into the very heart of God.

All of it is totally His grace. Totally the grace of His spirit fighting for and rescuing my heart again and again. A love that will not let me go, but will go to the depths, descend, become a part of my world, cloth himself in rags and the look of a beggar, all to simply win my heart.

You are amazing, God. Thank you that we are nothing without You, that everything we have, everything that we are and will be is because of You.

You're beautiful.

(re)newed ::.

"He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength."

::

Somewhere along the way, I forgot that oftentimes breakdowns are the doorway to breakthroughs... As was the case for Ben and I this weekend, where something we had both been wrestling with became clear in John's talk at church, something we both were not even aware of how much it has been affecting us nor conscious of it being an issue. It was one of those moments that hits so close to home, it all feels overwhelming and you're not quite sure what to do with all the pieces of shattered glass, the shattered image of your perceptions colliding with reality, now strewn on the floor all around you.

The pain and the pressure that caused the fissure is too great, and your eyes have now been opened, the light has come on. From that point on, you know you cannot hide from the reality of it all, for your eyes have now adjusted to the light and you know therefore you and things will never be the same.

But all of this in and of itself is one of several powerful evidences of God's grace in my life. A grace that we do not deserve, one that we do not have to earn, but a gift that is freely given from the hands of a loving Father who when His children asks for bread, will never give them simply a stone.

Since Thursday, I have felt alive again.

Something within that has been sleeping has been awakened again.

Since Thursday, and even more so since processing things with Ben and some close girlfriends this weekend, I feel a renewed sense of God's presence with us on this journey. A renewed sense of peace. And sense of strength. A strength that none other than our Source and our Supply could provide.

I feel so extremely extremely blessed. God is providing the community that we need at greater depths and providing relationships and men and women who have been able to walk this road with us, strengthen and encourage us, let us come undone, receive us in our weakness and our tears, celebrate with us all the marvelous things God has done, and pray with us for hope and strength for the battle ahead and each and everyday. Last week I got to connect with some of my best girlfriends on the phone who live elsewhere and a combination of those relationships as well as the ones here, has been such a gift. God, you have heard my prayers.

I have been extremely blessed to get reconnected with the Thursday morning women's ministry at Woodcrest again since being away last semester. These women have been a beacon to me in the last few years, women whose hearts are beautiful, explosive, and alive, women who are thriving, who are filled with life, who do not mince their words on how difficult life can be, who are walking through similar and different trials, yet who, wherever they're at, no matter their season, walk of life, age or circumstances, are following the Lord and loving Jesus in a way that is breathtakingly beautiful. I feel blessed just to be with them.

A couple years ago, when I started support raising to be on staff with The Rock, I knew I needed a community of women more my age and stage of life and even just women of all ages and different stages of life, as it was a need for me to be in a place where I am surrounded by women and a place that can pour into me, as well as just have relationships with women my age and older, as friends and mentors, just because I normally spend all my time with 18-22 year old women, or there are only two, now three other women on staff, so it can feel lonely sometimes.

I do feel however that I now have much deeper relationships with the staff women and wives, and now consider to have a handful of my closest friends within that group of women, but there is something about going away to experience community in a setting where you are not in charge or leading anything, a place where you can just go and be. Let your hair down. A place that God has used to breath life into my soul and relationships where women have been impacting my life, further enabling me to serve the young women in my life at The Rock.

The women's ministry I attend at Woodcrest starts off with a large group of about 200 women, where the first part of it we hear a different female speaker, then the second half, we split up into 10-12 different Bible or book studies.

The theme for this semester is “soul-deep security” and all the studies relate to a different aspect of insecurity that all of us face, especially as women, as nearly every woman is insecure about at least SOME aspect of their identity and it is time we take a serious look at that issue, own it and ask the Healer to set us free.

I'm in the class reading Beth Moore's latest book, So Long, Insecurity and last Thursday we had our first small group meeting and there was not a dry eye in the room.

When you're talking about your insecurities, I feel there is an automatic depth that is inevitable. It is an issue that requires vulnerability, humility and ironically, for you to let go of some of your insecurities about being insecure!

But, man. It was such a powerful morning. The leaders, who are awesome, these two super cute, young and hip and trendy moms, you know the ones, and these women, wow they blew me away. With their vulnerability, with their honesty. It was like, we are all on the same page here. Anyway, the leaders had us go around you know and share your name, etc, and what your goal for this book study.

Nearly all of us shared a longing to be free. Free from the control and power we give other people, as we obsess constantly about what people are thinking or saying about us, or how insecurity can hinder us in so many ways, or how much we doubt ourselves, or how we simply long to be secure, more at home with ourselves and learn to trust the only One whose voice and opinion really matters, to come into a growing awareness and knowledge of how much we are and how loved we are. That we can stop giving other people the power that only God should have in our lives.

Joni, the main women's ministry leader, who is seriously like Missouri's version of Beth Moore, this woman is a-mazing, and is so open with her struggles, so honest and real, that you feel less ashamed of her own, God has gifted her with this ability that when she speaks, she touches your heart, even with an auditorium full of women, I always feel like she somehow saw my journal entries from the last few days and is speaking directly to me. One thing she said is that simply put, "security is freedom from anxiety." Man, I know I need some of that.

I walked out of there Thursday morning after our first small group time feeling like I had just gained 12 women who are walking this with me. Not just in an, oh yes we'll pray for you way, but to know there were so many women in that room, that I didn't even know, who've been getting emails from the main women's ministry leader about me being sick and who have been praying for me since March.

Not only that, some of them in the room where women I didn't even know who sent me cards or letters or emails of encouragement last semester. Not only that, as this women's ministry has a care team that provides meals for mom's when they've just had a baby, or meals for when someone is sick, or any other sort of extenuating circumstances, it is just incredible. I was put on the care calendar after a few of the ladies heard how I was doing, and they provided dinner for us for four weeks.

What blew me away even more was that I had never really paid attention to the care calendar or felt like I had to time to take a meal to a family with a new baby or visit someone in the hospital or send a card, but wow, when you are in need and you are on the other side of this, you see just how much even just the little things can make such a difference. Some days it was just seeing friendly face at the door with a warm meal that gave me just the strength and hope that I needed to get through the night.

I have totally underestimated the power of a card of encouragement, and I will never forget how many times, on my darkest days, when I could literally not leave my bedroom, let alone the house, how much seeing mail on the table for me and reading words that brought me to tears, made such an impact.

One of the leaders of the group I'm in now, was one of those women that I didn't know, but who called one day to see if she could bring over a meal. (Their policy is once you sign up for a meal, you have to call the person to see how they're feeling that day, if it's not a good day to bring it over or not and what time would be best.) I remember being on the phone with her and having no clue who this other woman on the other end was, but was excited to meet her later. It was the times I saw a mom who had just picked up her three kids from school, who somehow had the time to make a meal in addition to making one for her family, and in the midst of running the kids to soccer or dance, what have you, have the time and the desire to come over and bring a gift of love.

It has been really cool to get to put faces to names and meet some of these women that have been in this with us, in ways I will never be able to express or give back to them. The first small group meeting was one of those where every single one of us, whether we knew why we were in that class or not, (as you have to fill out a card for your top three choices, and then in a few days you find out which group you've been placed in), but we all left knowing that yes, this is exactly where God wants us and these are the women picked out to walk with and the journey God wants to take us on.

::

This weekend, it was one of the first times in this season we're in, where God brought Ben and I to the same place with an issue that God was bringing to the surface and we both knew was something we had to face. While we've been able to go with each other to those deep places of, this is how this is affecting me today, or I'm feeling this about God or I'm struggling to believe God about this, etc, it is usually, which is a good thing, one of us being completely in love with God and trusting and knowing He's with us, and one of us feeling like, okay, God, are you even there? Many times, the same situation may provoke different reactions and emotions, and we will spend time listening and trying to understand where one another is at.

While those times are good, this time was different. We both knew before even saying a word what we were both thinking and feeling. I just felt so united because there was no one but Ben who I wanted to talk to Saturday night, because he is the one who has walked this with me the most intimately and he knew how the talk had affected me on so many levels. He knows the roads that are traveled each day, the ups and downs of this journey in a way no one else could. We got to share our hearts, get some dinner and find ourselves laughing again in our kitchen.

An hour after I had left church in a hurry, as I was not only in the most agonizing physical pain and couldn't feel my legs when I tried to stand after the message for worship, and I just had to leave, the tears were already streaming down my face and I knew there was none other but God who could meet me in that moment. So I come back after spending the last 30 minutes bawling on a different floor in Middlebush and came back and Ben knew immediately I wanted to leave. I juts couldn't understand it all. I had literally done nothing that day, had only been out of the house for an hour before church, and was in the most excruciating pain. It didn't make sense. There is no rhyme or reason to this and it was just all, physically and emotionally overwhelming.

Yet we left and man, it was one of the most precious times we've had together, as have so many other tear and emotion filled times we've been through together through this journey, times where we marvel at how in the sadness and the pain, there can be joy, life, unity, how God has used those times to draw us closer together and fall more in love with each other every day, and not worship each other but praise God for one another and thank Him for the gift of relationship, the gift of intimacy, the gift of relationship and marriage, the gift of living our lives together following Him.

I am so grateful for this man, his heart and soul and emotional capacity, that we are both able to go places in each other's souls that no one else has been able to go, and find yet again, man, God, you are a good, good God. No doubt, Ben is also proof of God's grace in my life. He is such a gift, loves me so tenderly and unselfishly as Christ does, fights for me, pursues me, defends me, cherishes me, delights in me and tells me everyday that I'm beautiful and that my heart is beautiful and that he is grateful to have me in his life.

::

The next morning, I had another God-has-provided moment, with a few girls who I'd invited over for breakfast. I got up ridiculously early Saturday and was thinking and praying about a few different things and God put these girls on my heart. I sent them a facebook seeing if they'd fancy a morning tea and breakfast at my pad, as having girls over (and fattening them up as they say, with my new domestic skills and how much I now enjoy baking) has been one of the biggest ways I've been able to stay connected with the girls in our church.

If there is anything I've realized in the last few months, it is that I truly love and have a passion for these women, not just campus ministry really or what we do as a campus church, but women, who are hurting, who are broken, who want more of God than they have now, and that's so many of us. I'm finding the Lord is giving me a renewed sense of passion for women and what ministry with women really looks like.

It's been cool to see God usher me into a new way or relating to people, mostly from the sanctity of my own home, more spontaneous, less structured, more free. Sunday morning was just what we all needed, we sat on my porch and ate cinnamon rolls and drank tea for three and a half hours.

Time was not even on our radar, we each spilled and talked and cried and shared our victories, our struggles, our hearts, what God is doing, what it feels He is not doing, we were brought into this safe place where God had us dwell and be refreshed by Him and one another. I was able to share with them everything from Saturday and the last few weeks, able to cry and completely come undone in front of them. I realized it is a rare thing to feel completely safe and that you can let your hair done, cry uncontrollably, lay out all your selfishness and pride, your jealousies, your anger, your failures, your struggles and weakness and be completely and totally and utterly, received.

At Woodcrest in our small group Thursday, one of the leaders was explaining the beloved feelings chart that is used in counseling or recovery that I love love love how Woodcrest uses it as a part of their small groups as well, and she was saying, you know a lot of times we get tired of the question, how do you feel?

But in How We Love (which is a phenomenal book and one that one of my mentors at Woodcrest said she would not let me get down the aisle without Ben and I going through the book lol, one she recommends for all couples, especially in the first few years were patterns are becoming more formative, anyway, with Ben being in Haiti for a month and then me getting sick, it didn't happen but we have the book and do plan on working through it sometime soon...), anyway, the authors came for a seminar in the spring and said this statement, simple yet profound on why identifying emotions is so important:

“If you don't know what you feel, then you don't know what you need.”

Wow. So so true. And such a huge barrier in communicating with others. In counseling, there is a sheet of emotional needs that are God-given that we as humans all have, and verses that illustrate how God meets those within us, such as we all have a need for security, acceptance, love, etc, to help you realize that as human beings, we ARE needy and we need not be ashamed of those needs, yet the point to understand and admit that we have needs and go about healthy ways of them being met and even asking God to provide for those needs, whether physical or emotional needs.

So to be real and bring it close to home again, if I am not aware of the fact that I can feel abandoned, then I am unaware and unable to communicate my need and desire for companionship and community and spending time with people.

One of my biggest needs has been to feel understood. Known. Loved. Accepted. Received. God used those ladies Sunday morning at my house to provide that for me. I could completely let it all out and not be met with blank stares, but to look up and feel the shame slowly wearing off, that I was still totally accepted and loved. I found myself blessed again beyond relief, that God is continuing to provide a handful of people able to go places with me no one else has been able to go (except for Ben of course, but even having a husband, there are different and unique needs met woman to woman, just as he has men in his life who can fill that role as well).

My tears and my pain and my journey were received. Such a gift, such a blessing. You know, and as I've been thinking about it lately, I think the biggest lie the enemy can throw at me from day to day is that God cannot use me right now. Which is totally untrue and ridiculous, yet part of what has helped me fight this is knowing that my identity, who I am, and who God is making me into and the woman He sees I can become, has not changed through all of this. Who I am has not changed and who God is has not changed.

All that is required, as it was before and in this trial, is to simply be who I am, abba's child.

Free from any role or responsibility or label that can confuse me with what my true identity is. Stripped away and free from that and able to see myself as who I really am, His. The Beloved.

To experience and live in the affection of my Father and let Him lead and direct my steps. Allowing Him to use this gift of time I've been given to love and be loved, to serve and be served, to be fully alive, fully attentive to the Spirit's leading and fully live out of my heart, knowing that my health does not disqualify me from living and loving as He has graciously given me the capacity to do. Our God is amazing. He really and truly is. Even though I know more hard days and moments are ahead and times where I will again feel surrounded by darkness, I am choosing to enjoy this stretch on the path where there is sunlight, and do not want the fear of tomorrow or what could be just around the corner to rob the joy of the present moment.

::

I might be starting to post every now and then a word of the day. I've started compiling verses in a journal that have spoken to me, maybe been just the word from my Father that I've needed in the moment I read it or the moment the verse came to me in my mind.

Yesterday this verse was and has continued to speak to me, reminding me of truth, rich with promise about the strength only the Lord can give and the promise of new life.

I have felt a renewed passion and love for this God who is carrying us through the storms and a renewed sense of His abundant love for me. A love that knows no boundaries and a love that has I can cling to when it feels like everything else is slipping away. The love of a Father who loves me and delights in me, who gives me the grace and the strength and desire to seek Him, renewing my heart and my mind, giving me strength to face today and giving me courage to declare my hope is in Him. "Hope which was lost, now stands renewed."

"He gives strength to the weary,
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not faint."

[isaiah 40:29-31]

now somehow there’s peace

“God is our refuge and our strength...
an ever-present help in times of trouble.

Therefore, we will not fear,
though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea...

The Lord God Almighty is with us...
The God of Jacob is our fortress.

God is our refuge and our strength...

an ever-present help in times of trouble."

:: psalm 46:1-2, 7

::

These words shook the stillness of the silence this morning, as if You had broken there and sat down next to me to whisper these things gently in my ear. Words that brought comfort, that brought peace. A truth I can only now hold onto after going through all the emotions and crying out and questioning, of feeling hopeless and in despair. These words brought life to me today. Words that revived my broken heart and lifted up my head to see again. That yes, it is okay to feel like sometimes You are not there and we are all alone, but the truth set me free today. That despite the fickleness of my feelings from day to day, that You ARE our refuge and our strength. You have not left us alone to our own defenses, but that You are here, active, an ever-present help, even in times where it is so easy to feel not feel like it.

You know, I can resonate with the words of Sanctus Real...

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender... to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly...

I cannot see all that He is doing. I cannot see what is going on. I cannot tell you what things look like in the next few months, let alone tomorrow. I have literally been stripped of the ability to see. But to see not what my eyes want to see, like a plan, a road map, some sort of clarity to what this all looks like, but to learn to see that which is unseen. To see the next step and the next day unfolding only as we step into it. To see and receive no more each day, than my daily bread. It can sound romantic, but it's scary. I'm learning it's okay to admit when I am afraid, to admit when I feel weak. I don't have to be strong, I can be weak sometimes, He is the One who is strong.

It feels like we’ve been in the eye of the storm for now three months, when the winds got more fierce, the waters have not let up. Just when it feels things may calm down, things pick up and the skies continue to darken, taunting us with the clouds threatening more rain.

The last month alone so much has happened. For most of August until now, I’ve been in this period where my cup has been overflowing. My emotional cup that is, as those in the counseling world call it. It has been a maelstorm where I have been taking in and process so much information, had so many conversations, have been going through process after process, running around to this doctor for documentation to that one, getting physician referrals, getting records from the three hospitals and clinics we’ve seen here, everything has been an uphill battle. I came to a point last week where I realized I couldn’t read anymore as I've been digging in deep for several books that are really speaking to where I've been at and resonating with all these ideas and writing things here and there, I literally banned myself from taking more in till I started getting some of this out.

In the midst of that, I’ve felt handicapped on a number of levels. One of the biggest ways was not being able to be on the computer as much and not being able to blog or keep up with life on the internet. Either from the sheer exhaustion of just trying to live my life that day, or being physically maxed out and not wanting to get everything out of whack again by typing on here as it aggravates all the nerves and muscles in my neck, which ends up making the rest of my body go crazy, or being emotionally exhausted from the day and the conversations and meetings with people, about the health stuff or getting together with friends and mentors.

Everyday everything was so raw. So much day to day had to be dealt with and processed with the people God has blessed us with and placed in our lives, face to face or over the phone, or with each other. It was a catch 22 because while I am very much a verbal processor and talking it out has been really good and Ben and I being able to be a support to one another, writing is something that is also good for my soul. And even though I’ve still been writing a lot there's a difference in blogging. I have to push myself when I blog to complete a thought, to make sense of my life and what is happening. To push myself and allow my soul to be free, to see what thoughts and ideas running through my head all day will come out and be developed further. To process externally and simply enjoy the process of thinking through and looking back at all God is doing and all He has done.

So as the storm continues, I’m finding ways to still write and share my journey of what God is doing in all of this. Of how He is revealing Himself uniquely to me in this situation, in the gift He has given me, day in and day out, simply, more of Himself.

The emotional cup has been overflowing for a while now, but even in the midst of the chaos, there are days and there are moments, where there is peace. Where we can laugh again, where things feel lighter in the midst of this battle. Where there is a deep-abiding peace that could only have been forged in the chaos. In the moments where it literally feels like the floor is caving in beneath us, in the times where God couldn’t seem further away. There is a joy that is deeply rooted and so freeing, a joy that comes from deep within, when our tears have been our food day and night...

I had this simple revelation the last few days, even though there were other moments where this probably also rang true, but here in this darkness, the very words that you have staked your life on, either are proved to be a sham or are the rock on which you stand.

That faith walks in the darkness with that which was revealed in the light.

God I thank you for being our light in the midst of this darkness even in the moments it is hard to see you, to feel you. You are with us. Thank you for the gift of today, I feel alive again. To be comforted by your rich promises, for quieting me with your love, for feeling known and loved through the gift of rich friendship, for the victories and talking out more of this medical battle, for girls nite today and just having fun, for feeling and knowing again that everything is going to be okay, thank you for carrying me through today and allowing me to experience a good day again, not free from the pain and physical realities of this sickness, but a good day in spite of that, you are good.

Each day all I ask for His grace. There is nothing more I know to ask for, nothing more that I need, but His grace and His help, Lord, we need your strength, we need your grace, we need your love to endure this trial. Nothing but your power and your mercy alone.

Yes, you are our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble.
Yes, you alone are God, you alone are good.

Your Love is a symphony... all around me, running through me...

Ooh, your love is a symphony | All around me, running through me

Ooh, your love is a melody | Underneath me, running to me

Man, I love love love this new Switchfoot song. (Real quick side note, I am still surprised it is them, totally a new sound for them, each time I've heard it on the radio lately I've been wondering who it was.) Nevertheless, that's not what this post is about, so I'll return to my point... I've been finding as of late, especially when I've been in this weird place where some days I simply cannot find words to put to my experiences, that oftentimes songs like this help me give voice to that which I'm struggling to express. This song has been a song on my heart. One of the things that has been so interesting in the last six months being sick, is that even in the most difficult of moments, we find our most treasured ones. In our darkest and most nightmare-ish of days, there can be a beauty that restores us. A beauty that Dostoevsky spoke of when he penned the words, "beauty will save the world."

My eyes have been opened to more of His beauty. His love all around. He has opened my eyes, so many times in the last six months, to a world teeming with His glory. I see it everywhere. And it is the moments where just the glimpse of the sun setting, or the sweet sounds of the birds chirping in the trees, or the beautiful sounds of silence and stillness in nature all around me, or the blue skies breaking in through endless seas of gray move me. Stir something deep within, sometimes those glimpses are just enough to keep me going. Reminding me there is hope, there is daylight, there is light in the midst of this darkness, and there will be a day when things are different. Reminders that whisper to my heart that there will be life after this season.

I have felt many times in those moments that beauty totally captivates me, like that of a little child, in awestruck wonder at the world around me singing of His beauty, of the echoes of Eden in the midst of struggle and sorrow, of a beauty that captures my soul and reminds me that He is good, a beauty that draws me in and finds me completely and totally captured by His love. These are the moments that free me. That captivate my attention and draw me in, until I am speechless, humbled and simply celebrating and singing, with a new song in my heart.

You are everywhere, Your love is a symphony, all around me, in and through me.




Switchfoot, Your Love Is A Song

I hear you breathing in
Another day begins
The stars are falling out
My dreams are fading now, fading out

I've been keeping my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my eyes wide open

Ooh, your love is a symphony
All around me, running through me
Ooh, your love is a melody
Underneath me, running to me

Oh, your love is a song

The dawn is fire bright
Against the city lights
The clouds are glowing now
The moon is blacking out, is blacking out

So I've been keeping my mind wide open
I've been keeping my mind wide open, yeah

Ooh, your love is a symphony
All around me, running to me
Ooh, your love is a melody
Underneath me, and into me

Oh, your love is a song
Your love is a song
Oh, your love is a song
Your love is strong

With my eyes wide open
I've got my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my hopes unbroken
Yeah, yeah

Ooh, your love is a symphony
All around me, running through me
Ooh, your love is a melody
Underneath me, running to me

Your love is a song
Yeah, yeah
Your love is my remedy
Oh, your love is a song

the light of the gospel and treasure in jars of clay

stumbled upon one of my favorite passages that spoke to me deeply today:

.:: 2 Corinthians 4:1-12 ::.

The Light of the Gospel

Therefore, having this ministry we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart. But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways. We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God’s word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled only to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

Treasure in Jars of Clay

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

:: 2 Corinthians 4:1-12

:: come

each day i'm finding the call is much simpler now.


captured in a single word,
the word my Father whispers gently in my ear, "come."


come and be.

come and rest.

come and die.

come and laugh.



come and taste.

come and see.

come and cry.

come and grieve.



come and rejoice.

come and listen.

come undone.

come and dwell.



come and speak.

come and live.

come and love.

come and let me love you.



come

simply come...



i've been reflecting and meditating on these words, this powerful invitation in matthew 11:28-30, to come... as these words came alive to me in the midst of crying out to god last week in shock and despair. overwhelmed with the ever-changing situation growing more complicated each day, i was at a breaking point where i literally could see no way out, no options or roads ahead of me, just complete and utter despair. god, only you can do something. in the moments where i lamented all my grief to him and was calculating all the losses, there i was received, embraced by the one who simply said, not only come, but "come to me."



this invitation became incredibly personal. come closer. come near. i am inviting in. i am allowing you to come closer, he says. all i want is you. and relationship with you. and for you to live in the fullness of my love and all i have for you. all i want and all you need to bring is you.



when i felt i had nowhere to turn and couldn't see any hint of what to do next, these words pierced my heart and saved it from drowning, reminding me that i don't have to know the answers or the way, but that all of these burdens were not mine to carry, i want to help you, i want to walk with you, i want us to do this together. will you simply come?



these words became light water to my soul. relief became to rise within me, as slowly the anxiety and the fear and the overwhelming nature of it all began to lift and i remembered that i don't have to do it alone. it's like we know that but then we don't. we so easily forget. we quickly can feel we've got to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps. we can quickly and so easily forget we have someone who is always there and who says we will never have to go alone. that we don't have to be strong. that we don't have to have all the answers or be able to figure it all out. all he desires is our trust. to lean upon and depend on him and him alone. it is only then we can see and experience him for who he really is. that we taste and see and are ushered into an entirely different way of seeing him and knowing that he is truly above all things.



these days my call is simply to come. come and bring myself into his presence every day, come and walk, come and learn, come and talk, come and listen, to the tenderness and compassion of my father who loves and delights in me, who asks me to simply come, and he will take care of all the rest.

::

come to me,

all you who are weary and burdened,

and i will give you rest.

take my yoke upon you and learn from me,

for i am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

[matthew 11:28-30]

open up wide, swallow down deep; no spoonful of sugar can make this sweet.

i didn’t want to write tonite. no spoonful of sugar could make this sweet.

my heart is raw. vulnerable and still reeling from the pain. i’ve been in a fight with myself whether it was worth the risk in writing or if i wanted to write and add to the pile of posts that no one may ever see.

nobody cares. and no one wants to hear about your sob story. lies i can so easily believe depending on the day or the moment. no one wants to hear anymore about this. write something that people would actually enjoy reading.

but what those lies feed is a deep insecurity that i am not okay. or enough. or that there is something wrong with me. (not okay or something wrong emotionally and in terms of my identity, not health-wise because obviously we all know something is wrong and i am not okay in terms of my health.) something that everyone else can see. shame creeps in like a sinister villain prancing around its prey just waiting for the perfect time to pounce. lying to me that i am inadequate. that i am forgotten. that no one cares. that people are beginning to wonder what is really going on here. that i am a failure. the pile of unanswered emails, phone calls, and ever growing items on the to-do list mock me each day as i have to face the reality that i am at 10% of my normal capacity, physically and emotionally. feeling handicapped now going through life. that wanting to do something and doing it are no longer synonymous. that many times i’m only able to do a fraction of what i’d like to do in a day. trying to give myself grace that i am in a different season. but feeling behind, and like a failure. yet daring to trust the One who sees and knows all and doesn’t measure me by the same harsh standards i impose on myself.

i was planning on writing a different post. one that no longer is the current beat of my heart. one that i had been planning on writing the last couple of days and now finally had the time, energy and a computer to write. frustration welled within the last hour as i’ve been debating. do i still write it? or do i write from the rawness of the wounds i’m currently experiencing or not write at all.

yet something keeps pulling me closer. asking me to share my wounded heart. asking me to take the chance yet again to be misunderstood. unknown. or “too messy.”

yet something within doesn’t care anymore. moment to moment i’m reminded i can’t expect people to understand. no one will ever fully know what this journey has been. for it has been a journey not one of the feet, but of the heart, as Tozer says, who but God can follow him there?

undone.

completely. my heart wrung dry to the very last drop. my soul not knowing how many more winds it can endure.

it came upon so suddenly. abruptly disturbing the peace the last hour and a half had been.
things were fine. until.

so wrong it doesn’t seem right. possible. hardly explainable or fair.

we both felt tricked. ambushed. grieving together once again that with which we had believed we had come to terms with.

coming off one of the most difficult weeks in a long time, i finally found peace and rest, felt alive again for the first time in i don’t know how long. felt seen, known and heard from the God I’ve been crying out to, as He blessed with gifts beyond compare Thursday and Friday of this week.

To laugh again. To feel at home again at the start of Woodcrest’s women’s ministry Thursday morning. To feel like myself again. For times with women at lunch, or hanging out with the Ingalls, or running errands, having one of the girls cook me dinner and have me over, having another one of the girl’s come over for a late night rendezvous while Ben was at work. Days where I felt a part of life again. Life not without these new challenges and limitations now imposed on me, but life with them, fighting through the pain and the restraints, to taste and see, experience life. Experience His grace.

Today was another pretty good day. Leading up to church was hard, but once we got there, things were fine. During the message a million and ten thoughts i’ve been struggling to put into words kept flowing, as i got it all out. much like during the service Thursday morning at Woodcrest. Something about being in those environments helped me put together all the pieces.

after continuing to process and work through the words coming from deep within, wrestling to formulate sentences about the experiences in the last few months, afterwards i was overwhelmed with emotion.

overwhelmed with the reality of it all. still shocked and in disbelief yet while my heart at the same time felt relieved, that there were now words and sentences giving voice to it all.

finally feeling free, the message ended and soon the first worship song began. revelation song. i could feel the tears rising, but brought myself to stand up. just a few words in, the tears started falling and i crumbled back into my seat.

so much has happened since then. just the first few melodies brang back memories of our wedding. it was the first song the band played and sang.

so much has happened. it doesn’t even seem real. the last three months have been such a far cry from that weekend and that day. three months that have broken and stripped us both of all that was once familiar, known or somewhat predictable. three months falling after the first three month period dealing with this sickness, where from the beginning, the illusion of control that I once entertained and was fooled by, couldn’t be more laughable.

as humans, we long for control, understanding, a plan, predictability, the familiar, yet in life, as Dan Allender says, a truth that all of us, at one time or another are faced with and most confront, the only thing we can predict with life is unpredictability.

it’s a hard pill to swallow.

as one of my favorite songs says, no spoonful of sugar can make it sweet.

we find we’ve come undone. yet again. surprised by the swell of emotions and the reality of it all. i feel apart there in my seat and then just had to leave. i needed to cry and be alone with Him. get away from it all. fall apart in his arms as the questions flowed along with my tears.

i came back in a few minutes. lighter. seen. known. received once again in the embrace of my Father. the one who has held every tear I’ve cried.

ben told me we could leave whenever we wanted to, not stay after and talk for long if need be. I was truly feeling better, my heart again at peace, and wanted to stay for a bit. everything was going fine. until.

in just the last few minutes we were there. ambushed. hijacked. robbed of the security the last hour and a half had graciously afforded us. with simple questions. interactions and a situation,
it felt once again that the bucket of cold water had just hit us, so fast we couldn’t even see it coming or know what had all happened till we finally started to see, reeling from the harshness of reality. kicking our faces to the pavement once again.

we sat there in silence unbelieved by it all.

then as we started processing, ben shared the most brilliant analogy and illustration that so captured what had just happened and what we’ve been experiencing.

it’s like how the beginning of [Mark Driscoll’s] Death By Love, where he talks about the cross and the gospel being like a multi-faceted jewel, but that many times we can just sum it up to two, maybe three facets.

but it’s so much more brilliant and beautiful and complex than that, much like the many faces of a jewel or a diamond, yet in its complexity lies its confusion.

once you think you have seen all there is to see, another facet shines through.

the same with this, just when we feel we have a handle on things, or come to know what to expect and thus prepare accordingly for the physical realities, or emotional realities or even spiritual of our experiences dealing with this sickness, we find yet another facet. yet another complexity that has not been brought to light. another side of this that sends us on our backs reeling. reeling from the abrupt nature of the rug of supposed security ripped out from beneath us again. coughing and trying to catch our breath after getting punched in the stomach as we choke on the dust billowing around us as our foe takes off running. departing as swift as it came on.

in the ashes, we’re reminded how many faces this has. the heaviness of grief, one that at times can feel lighter, seems to always bring its full weight back sharply reminding us, in those moments of relief, that grief has set in. the heaviness of the season an undercurrent through most of our days. reminding us how fragile and how broken we are, yet also how much more united, and a team and in love we are with each other, and the God who has drawn us into deeper mystery and intimacy in our relationship and with our Father.

i’m painfully reminded again, as i wrestled with to write this post or not, that to be alive is to be broken. and to be broken is to stand in need of grace. i have nothing to be ashamed of. broken, alive, human, trusting, doubting, hoping, struggling, overcoming, grieving, rejoicing, singing, crying, we are never more alive to life and to God than when life hurts. it is then we are thrown into the throes of the reality of who He really is. a God who meets me in my darkness and my pain. who weeps when i weep, who laughs when i laugh.

one who isn’t afraid to call me by name and claim me as His, Abba’s child, the one in whom he is well pleased, the one in whom he delights. in my moments of weakness and strength, his love remains.

looking back at the storms of this week, i am still in disbelief at what i see. each day brought blow after blow. every day brought change, new challenges, more facets and faces being ground into this jewel. as i cried out to you and simply asked why, and where are you?

yet in my questioning, and anguish and grief, in my anger and doubting suspicions, you welcomed me. embraced. i found myself received in your presence. heard, understood, loved. as you sat there are agreed with me. that yes this is not fair. that yes this sucks. that yes things changed and you were handed a new life without choosing. that yes, it is okay to grieve, it is okay to be weak, it is okay to cry, it is okay to be vulnerable.

each time i found you waiting. loving me tenderly and simply giving me the gift of your presence, not knowing how it would all work out but going reassured that you are with me. that you are and will take care of us. that you are and will be faithful. that you will and are carrying us. that you are and will be our strength. that you are and will be our help, grant us wisdom, lead us and sustain us.

that you are not the god of the presumption of safety, a plan carefully mapped out on a piece of paper, or one who promises that life will be filled with the beauty of the mountaintops and the lushness of the greenest of gardens. but one who takes us far beyond the edges of our comfort, leads us into a land that is unknown, resembling anything but familiar. a God who draws us deeper into deserts and valleys, the rugged terrain uncharted and desolate, seeming to withhold answers or the clarity we crave, save from the promise that you will be with us as we pass through those places. you will never leave nor forsake us.

it is in the barrenness and despair of the desert, as we stretch as far as the eye can see and find no relief or end in sight, that we encounter a God like we’ve never known. we come undone. empty handed but alive in your hands. not sure of the next step or the way through the darkness, but fully relying, loving, trusting you. as we take your hand and heed your call, one of tenderness and compassion, as the tears in your eyes speak volumes of the depth of your compassion towards us, as you simply say, “Come.”

The Father’s invitation to me earlier today and again tonight, words that penetrated my soul deep within, as i meditated and listed out all the burdens piling on top of one another, and asked for help on how to give them completely to him. all i need, he told me, is to come. to come, draw near. taste and see that yes, you are good.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

:: Matthew 11:28-29

Simply, come. Come undone. Come to me, I love you, I see you, I am here for you, I am fighting for you, I long to give you rest.