now somehow there’s peace

“God is our refuge and our strength...
an ever-present help in times of trouble.

Therefore, we will not fear,
though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea...

The Lord God Almighty is with us...
The God of Jacob is our fortress.

God is our refuge and our strength...

an ever-present help in times of trouble."

:: psalm 46:1-2, 7

::

These words shook the stillness of the silence this morning, as if You had broken there and sat down next to me to whisper these things gently in my ear. Words that brought comfort, that brought peace. A truth I can only now hold onto after going through all the emotions and crying out and questioning, of feeling hopeless and in despair. These words brought life to me today. Words that revived my broken heart and lifted up my head to see again. That yes, it is okay to feel like sometimes You are not there and we are all alone, but the truth set me free today. That despite the fickleness of my feelings from day to day, that You ARE our refuge and our strength. You have not left us alone to our own defenses, but that You are here, active, an ever-present help, even in times where it is so easy to feel not feel like it.

You know, I can resonate with the words of Sanctus Real...

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender... to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly...

I cannot see all that He is doing. I cannot see what is going on. I cannot tell you what things look like in the next few months, let alone tomorrow. I have literally been stripped of the ability to see. But to see not what my eyes want to see, like a plan, a road map, some sort of clarity to what this all looks like, but to learn to see that which is unseen. To see the next step and the next day unfolding only as we step into it. To see and receive no more each day, than my daily bread. It can sound romantic, but it's scary. I'm learning it's okay to admit when I am afraid, to admit when I feel weak. I don't have to be strong, I can be weak sometimes, He is the One who is strong.

It feels like we’ve been in the eye of the storm for now three months, when the winds got more fierce, the waters have not let up. Just when it feels things may calm down, things pick up and the skies continue to darken, taunting us with the clouds threatening more rain.

The last month alone so much has happened. For most of August until now, I’ve been in this period where my cup has been overflowing. My emotional cup that is, as those in the counseling world call it. It has been a maelstorm where I have been taking in and process so much information, had so many conversations, have been going through process after process, running around to this doctor for documentation to that one, getting physician referrals, getting records from the three hospitals and clinics we’ve seen here, everything has been an uphill battle. I came to a point last week where I realized I couldn’t read anymore as I've been digging in deep for several books that are really speaking to where I've been at and resonating with all these ideas and writing things here and there, I literally banned myself from taking more in till I started getting some of this out.

In the midst of that, I’ve felt handicapped on a number of levels. One of the biggest ways was not being able to be on the computer as much and not being able to blog or keep up with life on the internet. Either from the sheer exhaustion of just trying to live my life that day, or being physically maxed out and not wanting to get everything out of whack again by typing on here as it aggravates all the nerves and muscles in my neck, which ends up making the rest of my body go crazy, or being emotionally exhausted from the day and the conversations and meetings with people, about the health stuff or getting together with friends and mentors.

Everyday everything was so raw. So much day to day had to be dealt with and processed with the people God has blessed us with and placed in our lives, face to face or over the phone, or with each other. It was a catch 22 because while I am very much a verbal processor and talking it out has been really good and Ben and I being able to be a support to one another, writing is something that is also good for my soul. And even though I’ve still been writing a lot there's a difference in blogging. I have to push myself when I blog to complete a thought, to make sense of my life and what is happening. To push myself and allow my soul to be free, to see what thoughts and ideas running through my head all day will come out and be developed further. To process externally and simply enjoy the process of thinking through and looking back at all God is doing and all He has done.

So as the storm continues, I’m finding ways to still write and share my journey of what God is doing in all of this. Of how He is revealing Himself uniquely to me in this situation, in the gift He has given me, day in and day out, simply, more of Himself.

The emotional cup has been overflowing for a while now, but even in the midst of the chaos, there are days and there are moments, where there is peace. Where we can laugh again, where things feel lighter in the midst of this battle. Where there is a deep-abiding peace that could only have been forged in the chaos. In the moments where it literally feels like the floor is caving in beneath us, in the times where God couldn’t seem further away. There is a joy that is deeply rooted and so freeing, a joy that comes from deep within, when our tears have been our food day and night...

I had this simple revelation the last few days, even though there were other moments where this probably also rang true, but here in this darkness, the very words that you have staked your life on, either are proved to be a sham or are the rock on which you stand.

That faith walks in the darkness with that which was revealed in the light.

God I thank you for being our light in the midst of this darkness even in the moments it is hard to see you, to feel you. You are with us. Thank you for the gift of today, I feel alive again. To be comforted by your rich promises, for quieting me with your love, for feeling known and loved through the gift of rich friendship, for the victories and talking out more of this medical battle, for girls nite today and just having fun, for feeling and knowing again that everything is going to be okay, thank you for carrying me through today and allowing me to experience a good day again, not free from the pain and physical realities of this sickness, but a good day in spite of that, you are good.

Each day all I ask for His grace. There is nothing more I know to ask for, nothing more that I need, but His grace and His help, Lord, we need your strength, we need your grace, we need your love to endure this trial. Nothing but your power and your mercy alone.

Yes, you are our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble.
Yes, you alone are God, you alone are good.