The wild animal of the soul, revelations pt. I

“The soul is like a wild animal—tough, resilient, resourceful, savvy. It knows how to survive in hard places. But it is also shy. Just like a wild animal, it seeks safety in the dense underbrush. If we want to see a wild animal, we know the last thing we should do is go crashing through the woods yelling for it to come out.”

I’ve gotten to process and share these revelations with a couple of people close to me in the last couple of days, a powerful movement deeper into the heart of what God is doing in my life right now, the beginning of an awakening of sorts. These words from a book that gave voice to some of my experiences in support raising has done the same with some of my experiences now in ministry, a critical book about seeking God in the crucible of ministry and the danger of losing your soul. I got to hear the author speak at a spiritual retreat for women in May and she rocked my world. I've shared several key excerpts that have spoken to me the last few days and how they have intersected my life/my thoughts are in bold italics.

Excerpts from Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, Ruth Haley Barton:

“What would it look like for me to lead more consistently from my soul—the place of my own encounter with God—rather than leading primarily from my head, my unbridled activism, or my performance-oriented drivenness? What would it be like to find God in the context of my leadership rather than miss God in the context of my leadership?

THE CHALLENGE OF SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP

The soul leader pays attention to such inner realities and the questions that they raise rather than ignoring them and continuing the charade or judging himself or herself hardly and thus cutting off the possibility of deeper awareness. Spiritual leadership emerges from our willingness to stay involved with our own soul—that place where God’s Spirit is at work stirring up our deepest questions and longings to draw us into deeper relationship with him. Staying involved with our soul is not narcissistic navel gazing; rather, this kind of attentiveness helps us stay on the path of becoming our true self in God—a self that is capable of an ever-deepening yes to God’s call on our life.

But right away this presents us with a challenge. For one thing, the soul is a tender thing, and leadership can be very dangerous.

As Parker Palmer says,

“The soul is like a wild animal—tough, resilient, resourceful, savvy. It knows how to survive in hard places. But it is also shy. Just like a wild animal, it seeks safety in the dense underbrush. If we want to see a wild animal, we know the last thing we should do is go crashing through the woods yelling for it to come out.”

The settings in which many of us are trying to provide leadership are places where everyone is crashing through the woods together, harried and breathless, staying on the surface of intellect and the ego while all things soulful flee deeper into the woods. Besides that, we know the leader is often the one who gets shot at or voted off the island. The savvy soul knows better than to run out into a clearing, thereby giving everyone a better shot.”

:::

my soul has taken so many bullets it fled back into the woods. And I’ve been on a search trying to find it again and coaxing it to come out of hiding.

:::

Barton continues, “Beyond the challenge of coaxing the soul to show up in such a dangerous environment, there are the many challenges that present themselves once the soul does make an appearance and starts sniffing around. As we become more attentive to our environments through the eyes of the soul, we might notice tension between what the spiritual life requires and what it takes to be (or at least appear) successful in the current cultural milieu.”

:::

tension from extended times of the soul resurfacing in the support raising period and feeling the most alive and the most “me” than ever before and coming into ministry with a fierce determination to lead from that place, the place that God dwells, to a harsh realization that it is nearly impossible for the soul to survive in such harsh environments. I tried leading from my soul and more and more it learned it wasn’t welcome and needed to be hidden. And slowly, until it was too late, I realized last Thursday, what I feared and fought against for two years before entering full-time ministry, I had lost my soul.

it never is something that you even feel coming. It’s an ever deepening shift within, so subtle it takes a crash to wake you up to the fact that something is missing.

Ruth Haley Barton says it’s like losing a credit card. You don’t realize it’s missing until you go to use it. then you begin a frenzied back track of all the places you had been, trying to find where it was lost. We drop everything for that search.

If only we did the same with our souls. If only that search was as urgent.

Suddenly, Thursday, it was.

Everything came to a standstill, for something incredibly vital had been lost and desperately needed to be found.

The search and realization of what was lost set a lot of forces in motion. A deep sadness had settled in deeper, a deep sense of loss and a depression, a frustration and anger over this current state of affairs. Or a heart discontented and disillusioned.

…. Realizing I had lost my passion, realizing I wasn’t living out of my heart, realizing, my deepest fear had come true, the reason why I fought so hard for three years wrestling through what it was I was going to do next with my life, knowing that if I wasn’t living out of my heart or living out the passion God had given me, I would die. I realized sadly last Thursday, I wasn’t fully alive.

It was a moment of astonishing clarity. It was after a conversation with one of the younger women in our church where I left feeling reconnected with my passion. It wasn’t as if I wasn’t living out my passion, but that it in reality for this first season of ministry, it was only a small percentage of the work I was doing. So this moment stood out. It was as if in that moment, I could hear God telling me, this is why I’m alive, to bring Him glory. It was in that moment I felt a multitude of things. It stood out to me with astonishing clarity because I felt in the core of my being, this is what you were created for.

This is what I made you for, this is what I made you to do, women’s ministry is where I’ve called you.
I heard those words from a nearly audible voice.

It was one of those moments where I felt intricately connected with my passion, and my calling, not in what I’m called to do, but who I’m called to be…

The sadness set it in as I realized how rare this moment was. While I was living out my passion and living in the awareness that I am fully called to this place and this church for this season of my life, I realized the number of times I’ve only felt like this so far this year could be counted on one hand alone.

And I was supposed to be living my passion, but somehow a small fraction of my time was being spent doing work like this, work that was life-giving and energizing to me, work that deeply reflected my heart and my passion, work that specifically was a deep “yes” to the call I’ve felt God’s placed over my life in this season. So somehow I was living my passion, but had lost it. My soul had gotten lost in the other myriad of activities within my job.

I realized something vital had been lost and desperately, desperately needed to be found.

:::

“On our good days, we might experience these tensions as a place of paradox where creative solutions might be found, but on the other days they feel like polarities that are impossible to manage.

(AMEN, I say. This couldn’t be more true.)

“These days (and maybe everyday) there is real tension between what the human soul needs in order to be truly well and what life in leadership encourages and even requires. There is a tension between being and doing, community and cause, truth-telling and putting the right spin on things. There is the tension between the time it takes to love people and the need for expediency. There is the tension between the need for measurable goals and the difficulty of measuring that which is ultimately immeasurable by anyone but God himself.

There is the tension between the need for organization hierarchy with all the power dynamics this creates and the mutuality and interdependence of life in community to which we as Christians are called. There is the tension between knowing how to “work the system” and entering into trustworthy relationships characterized by trust and a commitment to one another’s well-being. There is the tension between the need for an easy discipleship process through which we can efficiently herd lots of people and the patient, plodding and ultimately mysterious nature of the spiritual transformation process. And then there is the challenge of knowing how to speak of these things in fruitful ways in the very inside places of power without becoming polarized in our relationships with one another.”

- Ruth Haley Barton

Adventures with Ben... continued!

So, "The Great Escape" has had several editions, landing us in places such as Jeff. City, St. Louis or North Carolina or the most precious gems of Mid-Missouri towns such as Boonville, Harrisburg, Fayette and yes, on this fateful day, Hartsburg for the Annual Pumpkin Festival!

I am so blessed to be on this journey with this man. We've been through a lot together in the last three months and have desired to have a relationship where we simply do life together, the everyday reality of what life is, from ministry to work to fun time to working through challenges to what God is teaching us individually to getting to know each other more to laughing to crying to serving together to just being together - I've cherished every moment! The good times and the hard ones :). He is wonderful. Here's the adventures from last month's Pumpkin Fest from an afternoon escape one Sunday with Ben.





I LOVED this soybean field! (Yes, it pays to be dating someone who is admittedly from the sticks, who can explain to me what types of fields we're standing next to lol.)

Couldn't pass up such a cool looking scoreboard!

And then, we found a cornfield that caught my attention WAY more than the pumpkins. I am obsessed with fields and cornfields, there's something absolutely beautiful about them to me! So here starts our photo shoot in the corn.

Emo and emo.

Lol. This is what happens sometimes when we can't both fit in the frame.





One of my ultimate favorite scenes, a lone oak in the midst of a field. It was a great day!

The choice to trust

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed. Romans 4:18

"Abraham’s faith seemed to be in complete agreement with the power and constant faithfulness of Jehovah.

By looking at the outer circumstances in which he was placed, he had no reason to expect the fulfillment of God’s promise.

Yet he believed the Word of the Lord and looked forward to the time when his descendants would be “as numerous as the stars in the sky” Gen.26:4).

Dear soul, you have not been given only one promise, like Abraham, but a thousand promises. And you have been given the example of many faithful believers as a pattern for your life. Therefore it is simply to your advantage to rely with confidence upon the Word of God. And although He may delay in sending His help, and the evil you are experiencing may seem to become worse and worse, do not be weak. Instead, be strong and rejoice, for God usually steps forward to save us when we least expect it, fulfilling His most glorious promises in a miraculous way.

He generally waits to send His help until the time of our greatest need, so that His hand will be plainly seen in our deliverance.

He chooses this method so we will not trust anything that we may see or feel, as we are so prone to do, but will place our trust solely on His word—which we may always depend upon, no matter our circumstances.

Remember, the very time for faith to work is when our sight begins to fail.

And the greater the difficulties, the easier it is for faith to work, for as long as we can see certain natural solutions to our problems, we will not have faith. Faith never works as easily as when our natural prospects fail."

- streams in the desert

character, the prodding ground of God

“Any situation that calls me to confront my selfishness has enormous spiritual value.”

This statement couldn’t be more true. What I’m finding is in the context of deep personal relationships we find the ground that God prods on the most thoroughly to work on our character. For me, this is happening in my relationship with the students in my direct sphere of influence that I’m trying to develop as leaders, my relationship and living with my roommates, my relationship with my boyfriend Ben, my relationship with my co-workers.

One characteristic all of these have is proximity. All of these relationships are in the context of a close, physical space. A close, intimate relationship. All of these relationships resemble a crucible of sorts. A crucible has best been described to be as a set of circumstances we have entered that ultimately changes us. I recently read that quote above and it confirmed the bigger picture of what God was doing in my life and trying to teach me. It allowed me to see the spiritual value in the everyday circumstances and situations giving me grief. You know, the ones we feel like our lives would be so much better without. But lately, I've seen how much these are changing me and shaping me. More into the woman God created me to be. As I've been thinking about this quote and the context it was shared in, but also as I'm seeing it directly intersecting with my life right now, I've been thinking, really, any situation that calls me to confront my character has enormous spiritual value.

When we’re living life up close and personal with people, where there is a commitment level that is binding, a house, a lease, a relationship, a leadership team for the whole year, a job… we have no where to run. We come face to face with our brokenness and our humanity. We realize once again that we are not perfect. That we do not possess the ability to lead perfectly, to love perfectly, to operate meetings perfectly, to minister perfectly, to lay down our lives perfectly.

To even entertain the thought is an absurdity.
But this is the bar I find myself deeply saddened I can’t clear.

Even though I know in reality I am human and therefore not perfect, that I am broken and in desperate need of a Savior, sometimes our hearts reveal we are really believing that we are not. That we can be the little savior of our own universe, that we can be perfect, that we can do it all on our own.

Yesterday, something really struck me. I’ve been seeing how my relationship with Ben has been refining me from day one. I’ve known how living in close quarters with people and my last roommate situation created a space where there was true intimacy, honest, pain and growth, but the newest thing that came to head was the feeling of inadequacy with my leaders.

Balancing personality conflicts, balancing differences of opinion, balancing between sticking to an agenda and pushing the meeting along, while at the same time allowing for breaks and for conversation and connection times at the beginning and throughout, balancing letting go of responsibilities and giving others experience even when it falls short of my expectations, learning when the teachable moments are, learning more about my own inability to ensure a meeting with always be safe and healthy and that we will deal with and address conflict and confrontation in a healthy manner.

All of this, forces me to face my own stubbornness and pride, my own selfishness and hatred, my own bitterness and sin.

When you look at it square in the face, you have to call it what it is.

But it’s not just good for them to learn it’s okay to feel uncomfortable or it’s okay to feel stretched. It’s good for me.

It’s forcing me to throw everything once again upon God and ask Him to lead and guide me in these situations. For admitting and acknowledging my utter nothingness before Him, and that I can’t do relationship with ANYONE, without Him.

:::

Yesterday I had some time and space to deal with the weight of all these things. It was my Sabbath and day off, and my morning started off with a heavy heart. I was really excited that I’d get to spend some solitude time later with God, at my favorite place, but I also knew I needed to face my hurt and my pain and figure out what to do with my responsibilities with leadership development.

I came to realize that the purpose of those meetings with my leaders and even more of the purpose in us being as a team and me building into the lives of younger leaders is more for their own personal leadership development and character development.

I had to face that I needed more of God’s help because I was at a loss.

There’s a huge difference in my job between ministry and leadership development. Ministry is one thing, but developing leaders is an entirely different beast.

Because you are dealing with people who have personalities very similar to your own: leaders who are strong-willed and have all the same “dark sides” as you do: stubbornness, pride, think they know everything, think they can do anything and everything, etc. So being in authority over leaders possessing these qualities is nearly impossible.

It requires a strength that borders on the heroic. A strength that can only come from Him.

Yesterday as I was crying out to God about these things and feeling like a failure because I have always had good, healthy dynamics in my leadership teams and I was trying to act like it really wasn’t affecting me, these words caught my eye in Beth Moore devotional,

“God would rather hear our honest pleas for more of what we lack than pious attitudes from an unbelieving heart.”

Wow and ouch all at the same time. This brought comfort yet tension all at the same time. I slowly began to uncover my sinful, unbelieving heart regarding these issues more and more to God. And found Him once again, plowing away, lovingly and tenderly, at the fields of my heart. Bringing more and more ground into His hands, allowing Him to meet me there and find Him desiring to take me to those deep regions of the heart, those areas of the field, I'd rather not touch or plow through.

:::

When I took this picture above few weeks ago, and another shot here, near a farm in Hartsburg, Missouri, I don't know why this scene struck me the way that it did, but it represents so much. The vast openness of the field, the blue horizon, the land stretching as far as I could see, but more than that, the field had been freshly plowed through. I connected with that image. Reminded me of so much of the things that were currently taking place in my own relationship with God.

But this picture is now my desktop and reminds me not so much of the work being down, but the One who holds the plow. My loving God. Who is near, who is present, who is with me.

Yesterday, I was reflecting more in the last week and how I had seen God working on my character throughout and all of those situations and circumstances suddenly took on incredible value.

I recently read,

“God’s will is always for your sanctification.”

It is always about making us more like Christ. I’ve been reading a book about seeking God’s will and a book about relationships and what intimate relationship and marriage is really about, all of them are saying the same thing, it’s less about being happy and more about being holy. God is less concerned with our comfort, but because of His great love for us and His desire for us to live in a beautiful, full relationship with Him, He is more concerned about our becoming more like Christ and thus experiencing more of Him and thus relying more upon Him. For apart from Him, I can do nothing.

Amen.

So in this, I can rejoice. For He brings these situations and these things in my life so I can know Him more, so I can understand and know more of His character and His unfailing love for Me. For I can trust in His unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation, I will sing to the Lord, for He's been, He's been good to me.

.:unconditionally loved:.

Beth Moore says, "we all crave unfailing love." Even when we don’t recognize it, we were wired for this kind of love. A love that never fails. A love only our Father can give and a love only our Father allows us to express. A love free of condition. Not based on anything I can say or do or diminished by anything I have said or done, but a love period. For who I am and my worth in Him.

Right now, I feel unconditionally loved. At the core of my being. In the midst of my mess and my brokenness, the moments where I feel I don’t even want to deal with myself, I am most loved. Cherished. Wanted.

This weekend God allowed me to experience His unfailing love for me through someone else. Though as humans we will never be able to love perfectly for we are broken people, God longs to reveal the full expression of His love for us not only in personal encounters with Him, but also through other people. I got to experience this and it reflected God’s heart and steadfast love to me in ways I will never forget.

Unwavering. Life-giving. Healing and freeing.

I feel deeply loved. I feel fought for. Sought after. Pursued. Held. Known. Received.

I feel unconditionally loved. For who I am really. Loved when I feel I don't deserve it. Love that resembles grace. Loved.

For the person God sees and knows deep down inside. For the person He created and saw when He made me.

I am deeply loved.

hope now :: your love sets me free

a powerful song that again captured my soul's cry and summarizes so much of what He's done in my life the last few days:



Hope Now -- Addison Road

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

You've become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

may the bones you have crushed rejoice

You are my everything::.
.::And I will adore You...

As the psalmist says, ‘May the bones you have crushed, rejoice.’ Yes, Father, tonight I can say, may the bones you have crushed – rejoice. For You have heard my cry and you have answered me. You have broken me, yet you have restored me. You have shaped me and made me more and more Yours. I belong to You. I was bought at a price. I am ransomed and redeemed. I am broken yet alive. Desperate yet triumphing. In need of grace. You have taught me how to rely on You. To cry out to You and know that You and You alone are the Lord of my life, my Leader, my loving Guide. Knowing that You and You alone take care of me. Rescue me. Heal me. Work through the messiness inside to bring me back to life in You. “Jesus, your name is power, breath and living water,” such a wondrous mystery… With You is all power and glory, strength and honor. I bless Your name Father, be glorified in me. Through my wounds and my victories. I am Yours and You are mine.

“We need not fear that in seeking God only we may narrow our lives or restrict the motions of our expanding hearts. The opposite is true. We can well afford to make God our All, to concentrate, to sacrifice the many for the One…

The man who has God for his treasure has all things in One. Many ordinary treasures may be denied him or if he is allowed to have them, the enjoyment of them will be so tempered that they will never be necessary to his happiness. Or if he must see them go, one after one, he will scarcely feel a sense of loss, for having the Source of all things he has in One all satisfaction, all pleasure, all delight. Whatever he may lose he has actually lost nothing, for he now has it all in One, and he has it purely, legitimately and forever.”

- A.W. Tozer The Pursuit of God

The cry of my heart tonight and the perfect song to come on the radio on my way home tonight:

Revelation Song

Worthy is the,
Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to Him who sits on
Heaven's Mercy Seat

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything,
And I will adore You…

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and
Glory and power be
To You the Only Wise King,

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come, yeah
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything,
And I will adore You

Filled with wonder,
Awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your Name
Jesus, Your Name is Power
Breath, and Living Water
Such a marvelous mystery