speech(less)

Sometimes there are simply no words.

I burst into tears as "Our God is Greater" started playing just 30 minutes ago on my way home. The lady on the radio said, and tonight, I just want to hear some stories, of how great God has been in your life... And as the first few chords of the song started playing, I could feel the tears come with a rushing tide of emotion.

Yesterday, tears of sorrow, anguish, bitter agony and defeat. Devastation.

Today, tears of joy, gratitude, and awe. Hope. Peace.  Expectancy.

Again, I have tasted and I have seen,
the sheer magnitude and power of our God.

I burst into tears and continued to cry the entire way home just reeling from how good He is.

How powerful, how faithful, how incredible incredible incredible He is.

How He has met me in the depth of my pain, heartache, and disappointment.
How He has met me and been with me through it all.

Met me with His comfort, met me with His peace.
Met me with His presence, unfailing mercy and never-ending grace.

It simply is blowing my mind. As I was making a turn onto Providence tonight, this thought hit me as I was trying to wrap my mind at all that had happened and turned around in a day.

I have experienced and encountered the very hands,
the very feet, and the very BODY of CHRIST today...

And I have no words. No words to describe all that I feel and that I was able to celebrate and share in those tears and that precious time of celebrating the One who has been there with me through it all.

I saw the very body of Christ today. 

I felt it. I interacted with it. I experienced His hands. I experienced His feet. 

I nearly just encountered God as I have never seen or experienced before.
God in living color. God with skin-on. God in the flesh.

It hit me, as I was wondering how this all even happened so fast and so abundantly... as if He has hand-picked women called to walk this road with me. Placed in my life specifically for this time, and this season, and this journey.

Who are fighting for me, who are fighting alongside with me, and who are laying down their very lives for me. 

I was blown away that I could even matter that much. Be worth the time. Energy. Emotion. Not only that, wanted. Cared for. Desired. Pursued. They have shared in the grief. They have shared in the joy. And today, I experienced one of the most precious gifts. Of how we are going to get through this together. And I simply do not have words.

I have never felt more loved nor seen. By God and how He has done that also through others.

The God who hears me,

who has heard and who has held every single tear I have cried.

The One who yesterday, in all of its hell, bitterness, and sorrow, knew today the victory and joy I would be tasting after such crushing defeat.

Knew how He would continue to provide for me in all things.
Knew how He planned to speak to me through it all.

Yes, You are my Jehovah Jireh,

my God who sees me, 

my faithful God who provides.

Heals. Nourishes. Restores.

The One who says to my heart, hold on, for help is on the way,
and the One who's word never returns empty.

Into Your hands, I commit my spirit,

For You alone are God; You alone are good.

And my hope is in You all day long,

for You alone are God my Savior.

You alone will not abandon me to the grave.
Yes, Father, be glorified.

Yes, You are my God of great, great faithfulness.

You are my God of great, great love.

30 days of gratitude {day 2}

The Way of Gratefulness, a 30-day journey

seeing and enjoying God in the everyday, mundane, and ordinariness of life. 

 

Excerpt from Intro/Background and Day 1:

"So here is me deciding to find yet another way to fight for my heart in this season. A fight I know is worth fighting for for perspective, perseverance, and hope. Shifting my focus. Allowing Him to renew my mind. Heal and restore.Transform. In a way that only He can.

A continuation of a 12-week period where God has been doing something new, opening my eyes to see the beauty and the gift of life, the beauty and gift of each new day. Not a vain attempt to just “think positive” and deny all the pain and hardship I am going through, but something that has helped release my heart to live in that reality, yet be grateful for the God who is in it all."

Here are my 30 days of gratitude:

A chance to reflect on the beauty and gift of the everyday and ordinary; through words, picture, or song.

::

CONTINUED FROM... 30 days of gratitude {day 1}

Day 2: Written Tuesday and Wednesday, May 31 and June 1

Today, I am thankful for... 

... community and how God provides

Man, it has been SUCH a great week!! A really good relaxing long weekend and a really good week, so so much I am truly thankful for. 

You know, I just think it's funny, that when I came into the realization that through the events of the last week I was feeling a lot of discouragement and depression, that literally since I wrote my last post... Sunday, then Sunday and Monday... then Sunday, Monday, Tuesday... well, really things started turning the corner last Thursday. 

But I was still so shook up from it all, I was cautious before saying I was encouraged or feeling okay again. Last Thursday afternoon is when it all started turning around. Then Friday was a good day. Saturday good with some hard parts, but Sunday on through the last few days, today and tonight, have been much a different story.

And for that I am so grateful.

It's not bad to be in a hard place or having a heavy heart, feel overwhelmed, feel down, discouraged, upset. Yet, when you start NOT feeling those things, especially when it has been constant thing after thing thrown at you... to experience some relief is and to be feeling GOOD again. 

Excited. Alive. Filled with hope, joy, peace. 

Your heart begins to sing a new song.

I am blown away by the love and faithfulness of our God. Blown away by the love and support He is pouring in from the community around me.

To be loved, comforted, and supported in this time though we do not know what is happening or now attacking my body and what caused the relapse and all of a host of another million questions, but I do know that I do not have to and I am not walking this alone. 

Sometimes more than anything, all we need to know is that we are loved. And that we are not alone. And that people truly, truly care. To be prayed for, cared for, pursued, and fought for are some of the greatest gifts that I cannot even begin to describe how much they truly make a difference.

More than anything, we all long to be heard. 

To know that we matter. For others to come alongside and say, I love you and I am going to walk this WITH you.

Sometimes the longer I go through this season, the more difficult it gets. When will the love run out. When/are people tired of this. Tired of me. Am I too much. Can I really let them help, let them in, again?

There is so much that God has taught me about community in this season and what it really means to love and be loved. To be accepted. To know we have a place where we belong. To be deeply loved and deeply known.

And I am blown away. Blown away by the love of my God and how He has continued to extend that love through His people. And the lengths He and they will go to show and share that love. 

If one of the core messages I have learned and am learning since the start, was that my identity, who I am, in all of this, has not changed. Who I am and who GOD is... has NOT changed...

Yet there are so many lies and a level of grief that almost makes you feel shame...

... shame that this is still going on and this wild beast we felt we had had somewhat contained in the last 10-12 weeks, has once again shown it is has not only a mind but an agenda of its own.

And to have others grieve with me, express their anger, frustration and just sheer, we do not know why this is happening, has been some of the most healing encounters I have ever had. 

That this sucks. And that they hate this for me. They hate it because they hate to see me suffer, hurt, continue to carry this burden. And they allow and push me to be real. Yet, while the circumstances, yes, do suck, the crazy part of it all is that then it doesn't suck.

I could not ever begin to describe all that I have seen or experienced in the emotional and spiritual realm of this. Yet for those things alone and the God I have met there, this is all not a loss.

The strange thing about the truth of it all is it is truly in losing our life that we find it.

(Someone wise once said that, right?!) :) 

Yet, losing life in coming again to that place where we cannot do it on our own, even the slight bump in independence I so savored and enjoyed the last 12 weeks, to see that disintegrate into thin air where my body is now limited to what it was able to do 16 months ago, 10 months ago, the first few months of this, brings a grief and a heartache that nearly breaks you. 

Yet, I cannot do it on my own. And am experiencing again the grace that only He can provide. A grace that sustains, a grace that carries.

One that has sustained and carried me each and every moment of each and every day in this 16-month battle with illness. Yet, it is not backing down and neither am I.

And I am comforted by being reminded, even in the difficult parts of the last couple of weeks, that He loves me. He loves me, He loves me. And He has a plan. My God is faithful. 

It is Him alone who is my help. My strength and my guide. And there is not a single step of this I will ever have to walk alone.

I texted back some friends tonight who were checking up on me just telling them how just being around people this week, the meals, the rides, the offers to help and come serve me and Ben, or help me throughout the day, it has just reminded me that I am so not alone. 

Things have felt lighter now, things have felt and been so different. Busy again, but a new kind of busy. Just getting into a new routine this week and learning and finding new ways to cope has been really really encouraging and for the first time in more than two weeks, I feel alive again.

Brought back to life.

Reminded that with all of its ups and downs, never-ending twists and turns, He will pull me through.

This week and over the weekend, I am now singing a new song to my God. 

There are so many treasures, so many words that He has spoken to me in some of my darkest and deepest moments of despair. There have been so much He has been revealing to me as He has pushed me, invited me deeper into the anger, the pain, and the frustration I would much rather avoid. 

Yet, with the tenderness of a parent scooping up their hurting child after they just fell off their bike and lay bruised, scraped up and bleeding on the pavement, He has comforted me.

Brought comfort and peace when my world was shaken, in a way that only His love, mercy and grace can provide.

::

You are Jehovah Jireh;

my God who sees me, my God who provides.

::

-- Photo above of our friends, Brooke and Cruz by either Casey or Hoops (too lazy go look it up on fb :). When I was thinking of a photo to include in this post, there were many of various people within my community and support system or me with friends that I could have chosen, yet this one of this Brooke and Cruz, (who are getting married this July!), out at Rock Bridge State Park, hiking with friends, is one I haven't looked at in a while, but one that grabbed me when I saw it on facebook a couple years ago and one that totally captured all that I wanted to express. 

That community is truly when we support and lift one another up, come alongside, and simply live life with. Such a great shot!