.:: He alone ::.

So the other day I was out on my daily ritual of leaving the house for a couple hours to go run errands, a way for me to feel some sense of independence and have something in my day where I can get around and feel normal again.

And my legs were burning and tingling so bad I couldn't even use my calf muscles to push the acceleration pedal in the car. Then as happened periodically that day, my legs would randomly go numb in the middle of driving, causing me to stop several times until I regained feeling again. Not fun.

So conveniently, I was next to a Starbucks, and decided to go read in there for a while until my legs calmed down and I'd be able to make it home.

This was the beginning of the last four days where my leg symptoms have been getting increasingly more and more out of control. I remember sitting down and just feeling defeated.

I was already winded and it was only 1 pm that day, I had only done two out of the four errands and things I was hoping to get to do and somehow needed to be able to last until at like 9 pm that night, when we'd be getting out of church. Every muscle in my legs was aching and I literally sat there wondering if the feeling would come back and what it would mean if it didn't. It is always scary when you think you've experienced the worst of something only to find out there was an even more painful option.

I sat there thinking after pulling out all my books and a bible study I was excited to get to do, and remembered the last thing the barista said to me, "I really like your shirt, that is really cool."

I've talked to her and her co-workers every time I go in there, there's a strange sense of familiarity as we make small talk about our days or what is going on in our lives. They've become friends. Sad but true, since I frequent all three Starbucks in town, and Kaldis so much, I know most of all the workers and its like they are family. They have become a part of my life and I've become a part of theirs. We moved from small talk about demographics, school, etc. to the deeper things in life. I just started opening up to them about being sick, as sometimes they've seen friends drop me off or bring in my bag and books in for me and then leave, or that I haven't been there as much, what have you been up to.

It's weird that in a strange sense, getting a tall, iced, nonfat with whip white mocha is one of the last things I have that hasn't changed. I love going there and seeing my friends and enjoying this familiar drink which has been a simple pleasure in life and a constant in the midst of so much uncertainty.

One girl in particular, I am always intrigued by how she is with every customer. She's one of those cute and trendy, hipster girl, really gorgeous, great personality, dark black hair, awesome tattoos sleeved on each arm, funky earrings. And was caught off guard when she couldn't stop looking at my t-shirt and then finally said something about it.

It was an old Rock shirt that had Psalm 62:2, the verse that the name The Rock was inspired from some 10 or so years ago.

Thanks, I said. And I remember instantly wondering if she was a Christian. Her tone was different when she said it, especially when she said, "that is really cool."

She instantly knew something about me as she read the shirt. And I realized how vulnerable it is to even wear a shirt like that around. To the people who don't really know much about you, they within an instant came assume a lot of things about you, positively or negatively.

I sat down, still kinda stunned at how her demeanor had changed so much after reading my church, as if those words really spoke to her.

Once I had sat down and my legs were enjoying the first few moments of rest, I found myself looking down at my shirt to see what it said. It was weird because her words were simple. But for some reason, even though other people have pointed it out to me before, random strangers I might see in Starbucks or shopping, I have never looked down at the shirt after those encounters to read what my shirt said. I already knew what it said, why look?

Funny how something that you've seen so many times and is so familiar can catch you by surprise as something new jumps out at you after the probably 201 glances I've given that shirt each time I've washed it, folded it, put it on, put it in a drawer. As if now something caught your eyes that before just seemed to blend in.

It was the word "alone."

The shirt read from Psalm 62:2,

"He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

Psalm 62 is one of my favorite passages.

As I looked it up in my bible, searching for how I never saw that word before that I now couldn't stop from ringing in my mind.

It wasn't there. Huh. Somehow I never noticed the difference in the translations, but was deeply affected and ministered to in that moment by someone pointing out they liked my shirt.

Just the words "He alone," was all my soul desperately needed to here.

John the other day talked about how self-reliant and not God-reliant we can be and how we are often so in love with the illusion of control.

Within the first week of dealing with this condition and every day since then, when my own illusion of control was completely busted open, I find it more and more laughable how naive we go through most of our lives, believing, thinking we have some sort of control.

That day was particularly difficult as I found myself not even being able to control the next hour, let alone the rest of the day. I was running errands then planning on coming home to rest, eat lunch and then head to have coffee with one of the girls at 2.

As of 1:40, after laying down for 20 minutes hoping things would get better, I finally had to call her and reassure her I still would love to see her but we had a couple of options, either she would come here and we could talk and have tea on the porch or inside or she could pick me up and we could still go to Kaldis, but that I was really sorry, I tried to drive earlier in the day and my legs keep going numb, Ben is sleeping since he worked overnight and so I have no way to get there, I can risk driving again... And it was a really hard call for me because I find myself having to say no to more and more things last minute because I couldn't predict yesterday where I'd be at today at 2 pm.

But, I realized how much I needed to hear the words of Psalm 62 earlier that day to allow me to accept and embrace the reality that this is just the nature of the season and the growing battle that I will have to fight this semester as all the students come back that I desire to still spend time with and be involved with their lives, that it will just look way different, even from day to day.

"He alone" was such a powerful phrase because I can put my trust in none other, I can depend on, rely on none other ... than Him alone.

Not in doctors figuring it out, not in being able to trust myself and know what I can and cannot do in a day, or the next few hours, not in reason that all of this would make sense, not in medications, not in treatment plans, not in relieving the pain, not in healing and recovering, I cannot place my trust anywhere, but in Him. He alone...

I spent more time with those passages that have become so deeply intertwined with my heart and speaking to me in the moments when hope and relief seem so far away.

I spoke these words to my soul, Saturday the day I ran into her and after my encounters with God this morning, paraphrasing different psalms that have impacted me, allowing His words to penetrate and touch me deeply within.

:::

Truly my soul finds rest in God,
my salvation and my hope come from him,

for He alone is my rock and my salvation;
my fortress, I will never be shaken.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,

for you are with me,
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You lead me beside quiet waters,
make me lie down in green pastures,

You restore my soul.

Hear my cry, O God,
save me and protect my life from the threat of the enemy.

Let my strength be in you.
My Healer, my Father, my Friend.

Closer than my very breath
Lord, I feel you near.

I feel your love surround me as you bring me deeper into your presence.

I feel the chaos within me slowly coming to stillness in your embrace.

What are you afraid of? I hear you gently ask me.

Everything, I reply as the tears stream down my face.

As you every tear fall from my eyes, I feel you near, I hear you speaking to me.

I know I am going to be okay.

As I ask you for wisdom, I rest in the assurance of your love for us.
That you will lead and guide us, that you will provide a way to expedite the process.

That you, alone, can do this.
That you, alone, will pull us through.
Lord, your love is enough, I'm holding onto you,
God, your love is enough, you will pull me through, I will follow You...

Lord, give us strength, for we are weak.
We ask for your grace, for it alone is sufficient.

You alone are my rock and my salvation;
my hope, my peace, my treasure, my delight.

Though the mountains be shaken,
and the hills be removed,
yet your unfailing love for us will not be shaken,
nor your covenant of peace be removed.

Yes, Lord, you are my refuge and my strength,
my fortress, my ever-present help.

Yes, blessed be your name.

You alone are worthy of my praise,
yes, I will trust in You.