[amazing grace]

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing Your praise
Than when we first begun

:::

Friday August 20, 2010:

(Some reflections written yesterday that couldn’t be posted until now since our internet was acting up during all the storms last night!)

I am simply in awe of His grace, tonight. Thankful. Seen. Known. Loved. Blessed.
He has heard my cries out to Him this week. In my anguish, in my pain, in my hopelessness, in my loneliness.

Father, I simply thank You for who You are tonight.
For how beautiful. How amazing, how wonderful You are.

You see every tear I cry. You’re here every moment of sorrow and defeat.
When I laugh, I find you laughing with me. When I weep, You are there weeping with me.
You are not a God that sits idly by. But one that rejoices and mourns, who is broken as well in the face of brokenness, sorrow and heartache.

You carry me when I refuse to take another step.You bless me and provide me with friends who I am reminded of how much they are a gift and how blessed I am to have them in my life. As I sit and share life with them over coffee or over pizza or over babysitting for a friend together. The countless ways you have provided for my every need this week blows me away. In the big and small ways. The countless little things no one will ever know or recognize. Yet the things that made my heavy heart leap, and dare to hope, to know there will be an end to this season, someday.

Just when I am close to giving up. When the shriek of my pain seems so loud it becomes deafening. That not a second was not seen and felt by You. That You have been here with me every second. Through the raw ugliness of it all as well as the moments I am reminded as I sit across the table from a friend and have sushi, or get a phone call that reminds me that I am still wanted and I am still loved. That you’ve been there with me through it all.

I stand now in awe of Your grace.

Humbled by your majesty. Grateful for relief from the pain the last two days. For how the appointment went with the doctors. For a plan. For someone to be taking action on my behalf.

I stand now in awe of your grace.

For providing me with people to walk through life with here, not just through what I'm going through, but in the daily challenges they face as well no matter their situation. The reality that we all need You and we all need each other. That none of us are immune from pain and brokenness. That none of us are immune to the reality that sometimes life is just hard. And opening our arms to a day is in itself an act of faith.

Lord, I thank you for who You are. For how you’re meeting me through these books and speaking to my heart in the ways you know I need the most.

I am simply in awe of your grace.

Of how much you love me. Of how loving and gracious you are. I feel I’ve been given a part of my life back. To have experienced five hours out of the house today with no pain, not needing to use the icepacks I now keep in a cooler in my car while I’m out and about, to allow me to be out longer, not needing a heat back or to rest until after my hair appointment and lunch date. Simply amazing. How crazy it is that pain has become so normal, that just even five hours pain-free felt like a miracle. Father I thank you. for pushing me to action this week, to give me the courage to call and demand to be seen this week as things were spiraling more and more out of control each day, for how you met with Ben and I as we discussed our expectations and battle plan for what we wanted from the doctors, for the hope I refused to give to seeing the doctors, yet how you blew away and surprised us both.

Yes, You are alive and You are near. You are just as active on the days when nothing seems to be happening fast enough as you are on the days where swift action and more tests and more exams are ordered.

I am simply in awe of Your grace tonight.

Thank you for today.
Thank you for allowing me to experience a night of sleeping all the way through and waking up this morning for the first time in a long time, pain-free.
Thank you that I can walk around the house again and not be reeling with pain. that I can move about more freely now. Drive again.

I thank you for my amazing husband. How well you know me and how much you have blessed me with just the person you knew would best love and treat me with the tenderness that you do, who has been able to go places with me in my heart no one else has been able to go, that you have provided a best friend, a partner, a soul mate, a lover, to be in this together. That you have blessed me with someone who I’m reminded each day is none other than a gift. Thank you so much.

Thank you for the beautiful people you’ve placed in my life. the conversations and time I was able to share with friends this week. Those moments that are truly redemptive and transcending in nature. When I realize how much they are a gift to be and how blessed I am just to know them.

Thank you for meeting me in my pain, in my loneliness, in this difficult season Ben and I are walking through, sometimes crawling, stumbling through together with you. Knowing you alone are our savior. You alone know the way and what every step of this will look like. As we continue to grieve when the time to grieve, continue to rejoice the time to rejoice, continue to cry out and question in the times to do that, continue to wrestle, doubt and name our fears, continue to embrace, ruthlessly trust and place our hope in You, You are our hope, You and You alone.

I don’t know what I need. I don't know if or when I'll get better. I don't know what the rest of today or the next few hours hold. All I know is I cannot do this alone. I need You. Not a moment goes by where I can do this one my own.
All I know I need is your grace.

So precious, astounding and amazing is your grace. I thank You I do not have to know all the answers. All I need is You. And your grace that surpasses logic, reason and all understanding. I once was lost, and now I'm found. Was blind but now I see, so clearly...

This song has been on repeat I don't know how many times last night and today, as I've been experiencing His grace as truly sufficient, and all that I need. We had some friends sing and play "Grace Like Rain," one of our favorite songs, at our wedding as Ben and I took communion, our first meal together as husband and wife and a time for us together to pray and thank our God and commit our marriage to Him. Every time I heard it before that and now, I'm reminded of the truth and power of the gospel, a power and a grace that seems too good to be true, but one that reflects the true nature of the heart of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Who alone lavish grace like rain... unending and so amazing.

"Grace Like Rain" by Todd Agnew

[Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see so clearly

Hallelujah, grace like rain… falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains… are washed away, washed away

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

Hallelujah, grace like rain… falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains… are washed away, washed away

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing Your praise
Than when we first begun

Hallelujah, grace like rain… falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains… are washed away, washed away]