{the sacred dance of grief and joy} :: june 15

{the sacred dance of grief and joy} I still can't believe we got to go to the beach yesterday. The circumstances surrounding it are a story for later, but to say I am grateful for the gift of yesterday is an understatement. I woke up yesterday with a heavy and broken heart. I can't tell you the miracles that took place there. 

Grateful for a man and best friend who treasures and cherishes my heart and will stop at nothing to care for it. A man who like my Father knows the things that make my heart come alive, what it needs to find nourishment, peace, perspective, hope, healing, and rest. 

We left early in the morning, needed to go to the closest one, Santa Monica, since we needed to be back for meetings in the afternoon and with no traffic on the freeway early on a Sat am, got there in 25 minutes. Living this close to the ocean still boggles my mind. Something I'm grateful for in this season, a gift and a blessing I do not take for granted. I would have no problem at all with this becoming our new summer home ;) A place where my soul can commune with Him, finds its Home. 

A place where I am reminded that my heart needs what beauty speaks. From the One who whispers to my heart, time and time again, "behold, I am making all things new."

original photo and post

.:He is the light:.

Woke up with this song on my heart early this morning and haven’t been able to get these words out of mind. The last time this song was on my heart a lot was a couple weeks ago after a 12-hour medical and dental day at USC.

That appointment, like many other times in my medical journey was a day mixed with pain yet also rejoicing. I was reminded during one of the most (physically) painful parts of my procedures that this would soon be over. Not over in the sense of when this is all over over, but I have to remind myself during painful procedures that in a few hours, a few days, the pain will subside.

It hit me in those moments that this pain is a part of the process. 
Not only a part, but it is necessary. Necessary for my healing.

Those realities are true not only for my journey with chronic pain and having a chronic illness, but on a number of levels as well.

Part of why I love this song so much is that is declares all the reasons why no matter what we're going through, no matter what our circumstances or present darkness, He is our light, our hope shining in the places seen and unseen. He is the light, He is my Hope, I can't stop singing of His mercy and His goodness. His goodness and love that whether in my joy or in my pain remains the same. 

I sing for joy at what Your hands have done, at what and who You are, that in You we can have Hope, a hope that truly is an anchor our souls. He is the Light.

::

He is the light
{shining in the darkness}


He is the hope
{hope of all the nations}


He is the light, He is the light
{for all the world to see}

[bryan and katie torwalt, he is the light; 
photo courtesy of my first time seeing the pacific ocean in september, 
malibu along the pacific coast highway]

-your great name-

I don't have words to describe the myriads of ways the Lord has been speaking to, healing, and comforting my heart in the last 12 hours. This song was one of many tonight with lyrics that pierced my heart and reminded me of other times I've sung their battle cry before.

I have never heard the first 30 or so seconds of this song in the same way as I did tonight. Emotionally exhausted from a ton of things today, but I just had to write and post something. 

Tomorrow I'll find the song and possibly write more, but for tonight, I'm celebrating, thanking, and praising my God who is so faithful, my God who is near, my God who has anything but forgotten or abandoned me.

I love this song because it points to that which we can cling to and will not change no matter what we are going through or experiencing:

His character, His nature, who He IS.

LOST ARE SAVED; find their way;
at the sound of your great name

ALL CONDEMNED; feel no shame,
at the sound of your great name

EVERY FEAR; has no place;
at the sound of your great name

THE ENEMY; he has to leave;
at the sound of your great name

--

Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man
You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name 

--


All the weak; FIND THEIR STRENGTH;
at the sound of your great name

Hungry souls; RECEIVE GRACE;
at the sound of your great name

The fatherless; THEY FIND THEIR REST;
at the sound of your great name

Sick are healed; AND THE DEAD ARE RAISED;
at the sound of your great name


--


Redeemer, My Healer, Almighty
My savior, Defender, You are My King

::natalie grant, your great name

craving clarity

On that bear hunt for the first line of that quote I've had ringing in my head today, I ran into another favorite quote that has also ministered to my heart time and time again over the course of the last eight years since I first picked up this book. I love how the same words can take on new and similar meaning and impact in different situations, circumstances or times. I love these words so much.

"Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead destroys the childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love."

{brennan manning} ruthless trust

photo courtesy of pinterest

-the path of life-

"THE PATH OF LIFE RUNS IN AND OUT OF DARKNESS, CONFUSION, UNCERTAINTY, LOSS, AND HEARTACHE--NOT A PATH WE WOULD CHOOSE NATURALLY . . . GOD PROMISES US REDEMPTION, BUT HIS SACRED PATH LEADS US AWAY FROM SAFETY, PREDICTABILITY, AND COMFORT. ANY ATTEMPT TO FLY OVER THE DANGEROUS TERRAIN OR MAKE A DETOUR TO SAFER GROUND IS DOOMED BECAUSE IT WILL NOT TAKE US TO GOD. INSTEAD, IT LEADS US TO A HOST OF OTHER IDOLS THAT CAN'T PROVIDE US WITH THE CONFIDENCE OF FAITH, THE DYNAMIC OF HOPE, OR THE PASSION OF LOVE WE DEEPLY CRAVE." 

:: DAN ALLENDER, THE HEALING PATH

I just spent a good 20 or so minutes trying to find these words, this quote, and this first sentence in the first chapter of one of my favorite books by Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust. I could've sworn it was in there. Somewhere near the beginning and at the top of a page. 

I kept flipping through page after page, trying to read the millions of lines that were underlined to search for a few words I kept hoping would jump out at me. Then I tried the second chapter, no, I know it's not in there. Then the third, then before you know it, I'd made my way back to the first chapter again to read a little more closely, I must have just missed the page.

I then tried searching for a few phrases and keywords from that quote on my blog, knowing I'd posted it sometime over the course of the last few years, and when that search came up empty again, or leaving me with way too many blog posts to sift through that probably did not even contain the exact quote I was looking for, I finally decided to get up and make the trek downstairs to check the ole bookshelf.

As soon as I got down there, before I even opened the book I knew it was there. In my second favorite book, Dan Allender's The Healing Path, well a close-second or tie with other ones, but another book that has not only been critical and paramount in my journey the last several years with my illness, but one that single-handedly began to minister to both my heart and Ben's when we started reading it together just a few weeks before I began dealing with a mysterious illness doctors at first chalked up to a "viral infection" that would go away in a few weeks, but I never recovered.

It's absolutely crazy just to think back, to realize it has really been four years and what is crazier to me is that we started reading this book together before I even got sick. Just a few weeks before, it was right when Ben had just returned from Haiti after serving on a short-term emergency relief trip after the earthquake in January 2010, when our lives were changing and something was rumbling beneath the surface and we found ourselves both in a place we'd never been before and he happened to run into this book, read me some of the first chapter and then I decided I needed my own after wanting to mark up every page and underline every word.

The book was part of the beginning. The beginning of separate and individual journeys that would lead us to places we never thought we'd go, sorrows, heartaches, and joys we never imagined or knew we would experience.

The book was the start of yes, a healing path for us. A healing path for me as God used every word, story, and page to minister and speak that which He alone knew my heart desperately needed to hear. 

Going through the book was a journey in and of itself. For the first time, I felt like something was able to name that which I could not come close to describing. 

A new journey, a new path, a path that was fighting for the life of my heart and the place where He alone can dwell as He took me hand in hand through the storm.

I did a few other things while I was downstairs and just a little bit ago came up to write this post that even though I am physically and emotionally exhausted from the day and the last few hours and crying so much I feel like I could sleep for days, I came up and pulled the book next to me as I reached for my laptop again, wouldn't you know it, I opened the place where my thumb was holding, flip the book open, and it's right on that exact page.

I couldn't remember before that it was in this book and not in Ruthless Trust. Ruthless Trust seemed to fit this quote and the surrounding stories I thought were around it in the first chapter of that book. But when I opened it, it all made sense.

Finally, the madness had ceased, I had found the words I knew I was not imagining. 

Words that I haven't been able to get out of my mind all day as I've been pondering the joys and the hardships and the heartaches of this journey called life, and how though it is anything, but predictable, we have one thing to which we can cling to, one place where we can find our security, our comfort, our hope.

In He who will never leave us, no matter what happens or how crazy the journey gets, we will never have to walk a single step of it alone.

For He is WITH us. And fighting for us. 
And He has a plan beyond anything we could see, taste, or imagine.

Security, comfort in the only One who can hold us when our worlds and our lives feel shaken.

The One who makes it possible for us to experience peace in the midst of uncertainty, hope in the midst of despair, joy in our grief and in our suffering, and life, streams of living water, life and streams in the desert.

For we never know where the journeys and roads and paths of life are going to take us, but we can be sure of one thing. We have a God who loves us and One who will never leave our side. 

He who is our Hope.
He who is our Joy.
He who is our Strength.

Our God who is truly a God as Matt Rogers says, "laughs when we laugh and cries when we weep." One who is broken, grieved, and hurts over the sight of His precious ones suffering.

A God whose love for us knows not the boundaries of joy or pain, 
but throughout it all remains the same.

A God who is faithful. One who will never leave our side.
A God who has not forgot.

A God who sees.

And sometimes that is all we need.
To know and remember we are seen.

Seen by the loving eyes of a God who does anything but sit idly by when His children are suffering, One who is present and active in our circumstances even when it doesn't always FEEL like it, a God who is faithful. Whose power and grace are limitless, beyond measure.

A God who enables us to trust Him as He continues to weave and work the masterpiece of His plan. 

::

I can only end this post with words I've ended many a blog post the first three years of living with my undiagnosed disease. Words that have become that of a mantra, a prayer, a declaration, a battle cry to me, words that suddenly whatever else I was going to write tonight flew out the window, the only words that can fully express the cry of my heart right now:

Yes, You are my Jehovah Jireh;
my God of great faithfulness and unfailing love,
my God who always provides.

- photo from our two and a half day trip halfway across the country in July, 

#lewtonfamilymoveout

{strength & dignity}

She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she will laugh at the days to come.
:: proverbs 31:25

i don't think it's irony or coincidence that i just ran down a rabbit trail of websites and blogs and pinterest pins that inspired me and lifted my heart to places i don't know how to describe, beauty that speaks to and restored something deep within and that eventually led to this verse.

a verse that became sacred to me when i was going through a women's bible study a few years ago at woodcrest with a group of ladies i spent most of yesterday writing about and remembering all the ways god ministered to my heart and loved me through them.

today was as beautiful as it was hard.

but there were ways in which i experienced the lord's presence and peace throughout my 8 hours in the dentist chair today and a series of things in the appointments that only he knew the half of how much they encouraged and lifted my heart.

i spent most of wednesday writing out parts of my story, i was planning on posting a couple photos on the mazvita's angels page about some things that inspired me that morning that connect with our story and journey the last few years, and then that couple of photos and small little blurb i began writing before i knew it turned into pages.

i kept trying to go back to fit what i was saying into the specific aspect of my story and the story of mazvita's angels/why i began crafting, but then kept finding there was more and more and more i had to say.

it was draining. and looking back at parts of my story again, recounting the tale of the first few days of this, it was uncanny how much i remember like it was just yesterday.

i just wanted to post something from that day, but i couldn't without giving its back story.

there's a story, there's always a story.

i wouldn't do it justice and it wouldn't really make any sense or it would not fully convey why it was meaningful or impactful or important if i didn't tell the back story.

so i sat down and i stared writing.

hours later, as i was still near the beginning, i realized i had so much more that my soul wanted to say, let out.

i realized i need to just write out my whole story.
so pray for me as i do.

miracles are happening. and my god has never not been faithful.
my god of great faithfulness, goodness, and mercy,
my god of unfailing, everlasting love.

- photo source

{but a memory}

This will soon all be but a memory.
 

I started doing something a couple months ago on the ride home from appointments at the University of California (USC), that has become something that ministers to my heart on a number of levels the more I do it.

I take this photo.

A photo that captures some of what I saw on my ride home after one of my most heartbreaking appointments, an image that no matter how long it's been from the first time this image caught my attention in the rear view mirror, one that I simply can't shake from my mind and that captures my heart again and again as if I'm seeing it for the first time.

I decided I needed to make this a reminder. Take a photo of all that is behind me as we make our way back home as there is something in the beauty of the sun setting, and yes, even all the LA traffic that gets me every time.

Someone has once said there are two things that pierce the human heart: one is pain, the other is beauty. My heart is stricken by both and often at the same time on our drives home.

The pain, physical and also emotional most times in leaving appointments is often intersected by the beauty of a place I have dreamed in living in for the longest time, a place I had never really seen pictures of, never visited nor experienced, yet one that I only saw with the eyes of my heart. 

The beauty of a place that speaks to my heart and who I am on a number of levels, as I am reminded as we slowly weave our way through traffic of something that fills and ignites my heart with perspective and hope: this will all soon be but a memory.

There will be a day when this is all behind us.
When my suffering and my pain will be no more.
When my husband's suffering and pain also as a result of me having this disease, 
will also come to an end.

When life will look and feel different,
feel more "normal."

When all that this disease has taken from us, 
will and is already slowly being restored.

There will be a day when this is all behind us.
When this will all be but a memory.

My hope is not in healing, in answers, in a diagnosis, doctor, or a test,
my hope is in Him.

He who is my Hope,
He who is my Strength,
He who is Greater.

Bigger and more powerful than the chains of this disease.

He who will have the final Victory.

"We wait in hope for the Lord;

    he is our help and our shield. 

 In him our hearts rejoice,

    for we trust in his holy name. 

  
May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,

    even as we put our hope in you."

"We wait in hope...

... for He who has promised IS faithful."

- psalm 33:20-22, hebrews 10:23